My Dh Is Po'ed!!

[eeyore3847]

I feel bad for your situation.
I think you need to sit down with step dad and apologize. You jumped without thinking. Also think your son needs to calm down and you need to also! I would not allow this man to just SHOW UP out of the blue and expect a relationship. I think the 3 of you ( step dad, bio dad and you) should sit down and talk about what his INTENTIONS are and set up a specific bi - weekly or weekly SUPERVISED event. Let your son get to know him. YOur son is in a magical place in which he thinks bio dad has done nothing wrong! it needs to be a gradual meeting and then go from there.
This was not handled correctly but can be fixed

 

[Benducci]

I think the h realizes that 3 people in a marriage is 1 too many. I think the OP blew it by handing the phone to the sonw so quickly. Why would she be so excited to receive this phone call. If I was dh, I would feel the same way - he was the bench warmer for this other guy. Is she hoping to get back together with him? What gives? There is more to this than we realize. As a husband, he has some rights & she just blew right over them.

Where is the OP? Can she bring us up to date on what is going on?

 

[lillygator]

But what on earth is wrong with the OP talking to her son about his biological dad regardless if he hasn't been around for 6 years? Should she just pretend like he didn't exist? That's wrong IMO.

I am not sure why you quoted me and then put words in my mouth...I never said anything about it being wrong, simply I find it hard to believe that a 2 year old would now - years later - remember his biological father and be calling out for him.

If I changed my position it was unintentional. My DH was never stripped of his rights by any court. He was never with me in court (my choice). My DH is a very imporant part of my family and he is very important to my daughter. What I was trying to say is that I make the decisions for my daughter not my husband. I was not taken to court because I failed in any way as a parent. I was taken back to court because my ex got remarried and she wanted equal time with DD... but that is a whole other story. My husband has equal say in everything except when it comes to my DD ... he will never have equal say. If it comes down to him or her guess which one I will choose. But I married a man that is mature enough to accept that he is and only will be the STEPFATHER.

wow!

Where is the OP? Can she bring us up to date on what is going on?

I hope so too! I am praying her DH made it home ok and that she was able to get him to ride with someone.

 

[bellarella]

If I changed my position it was unintentional. My DH was never stripped of his rights by any court. He was never with me in court (my choice). My DH is a very imporant part of my family and he is very important to my daughter. What I was trying to say is that I make the decisions for my daughter not my husband. I was not taken to court because I failed in any way as a parent. I was taken back to court because my ex got remarried and she wanted equal time with DD... but that is a whole other story. My husband has equal say in everything except when it comes to my DD ... he will never have equal say. If it comes down to him or her guess which one I will choose. But I married a man that is mature enough to accept that he is and only will be the STEPFATHER.

I'm sorry -- I didn't mean to suggest *you" failed your DD. It only takes one parent to bring the courts in. I was thinking of the OP's situation where her ex failed the DS.

We do just disagree with how a step parenting relationship should ideally work. I'm glad you are married to someone who shares your views.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I think you are missing the point. Her husband should know what is going on in the house but he really has no say in what the mom wants for her son in regards to his bio dad. I think that this sounds more like a control issue on stepdads part.

So the six years this guy has spent raising, loving, and protecting this kid count for nothing where his bio dad is concerned? If this is the case, then no wonder there are problems.

You can't just point out parts of the marriage and say, "you have no business here". Either they're a team and they work on problems and solutions together, and compromise and agree, or the marriage isn't going to last.

I know that everyone does marriage differently, and I understand that you think that because Charlie hasn't donated his DNA to the child's makeup that he has no rights or opinions.

The stepdad doesn't want control, he wants to be acknowledged! And why shouldn't he have a say in the child's welfare that he's raised? If I were him, I'd sure want some "control" in my life, too.

All right, off my soapbox now, I hope everything works out ok for the OP.

 

[shortbun]

ITA! especially with the "fit" he threw- not talking, not taking call, going out drinking, not coming home.

Yeah, this guy needs a reality check. It's obvious his wife is in his corner and that she was blindsided by the birthdad. He's needed right now in his home as a stable member acting on behalf of his son. His wife and he can settle their issues as an aside.

 

[shortbun]

So the six years this guy has spent raising, loving, and protecting this kid count for nothing where his bio dad is concerned? If this is the case, then no wonder there are problems.

You can't just point out parts of the marriage and say, "you have no business here". Either they're a team and they work on problems and solutions together, and compromise and agree, or the marriage isn't going to last.

I know that everyone does marriage differently, and I understand that you think that because Charlie hasn't donated his DNA to the child's makeup that he has no rights or opinions.

The stepdad doesn't want control, he wants to be acknowledged! And why shouldn't he have a say in the child's welfare that he's raised? If I were him, I'd sure want some "control" in my life, too.

All right, off my soapbox now, I hope everything works out ok for the OP.

I've climbed up on your box now that you're off it. This guy is more than a 'stepdad'; he is THE Dad and he's acting like a child. Refusing to talk, getting drunk and not coming home-these are controlling techniques. Coming home, saying "I'm mad and hurt, we need to talk but first our son is in jeopardy"...now that's a rational act. Asking to see a counselor, listening to your wife's confusion and understanding, being there for your family....those are rational acts. "He wants to be acknowledged!"?????? Be real! The 8yo boy is the one everyone should have at their center right now. As adults and parents, we know that we must wait for our trophies, medals and acknowledgements until way past their due. Again, they guy needs to get his act together, allow his wife to apologize and accept it, then move on to what is most important.

 

[tmarquez]

I'm sorry your DH is mad. But I was that little boy once too. My mom never spoke of my dad and still won't. The last time I saw him I was 12 (and that was after a couple of years of not seeing him. I don't know why everything stopped at that point. When I was finally old enough (and got up enough nerve) to find him myself...I found him...but he passed away the year before.

Now my DD who is 4 asks about her grandpa and I don't even have pictures to show her. I'm sad for myself...but even more sad for her.

I know your DH must be hurt, but he really needs to see it from your sons eyes. Your son wanting to know his bio dad will not just go away. He might hide it eventually...but you don't want him to have to do that. Keep trying to involve DH though, that's the right thing to do.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

So the six years this guy has spent raising, loving, and protecting this kid count for nothing where his bio dad is concerned? If this is the case, then no wonder there are problems.

You can't just point out parts of the marriage and say, "you have no business here". Either they're a team and they work on problems and solutions together, and compromise and agree, or the marriage isn't going to last.

I know that everyone does marriage differently, and I understand that you think that because Charlie hasn't donated his DNA to the child's makeup that he has no rights or opinions.

The stepdad doesn't want control, he wants to be acknowledged! And why shouldn't he have a say in the child's welfare that he's raised? If I were him, I'd sure want some "control" in my life, too.

All right, off my soapbox now, I hope everything works out ok for the OP.

I was not planning on posting on this thread anymore but since I am still quoted I would like to explain myself. I have past poster thinking my husband is not important or that I have some kind of horrible family. I love my DH vey much we have 2 children together and I have one from a previous marriage. What would happen if we divorced? What would happen if half the blended families divorced? It is not out of the rhelm of possibilities. We have a solid and happy marriage but so do most people and still 50% get divorced (more if previously divorced). So children from previous marriages should call the step parent dad (or mom)? They should think they are dad/mom if it has been a year or two or five? What happens if you get divorced? Do you think that you husband will pick up their ex stepchild with their bio child for visits? Would you want them to? Right now while you are in a happy marriage you say yes but what about when you are in the middle of a divorce? It is very unlikely to happen. The step parent has no biological or legal ties to that child. Of course no one likes to think about this and they say it can't ever happen to them and hopefully it won't. But do you really want your child to feel that this person they call dad or mom just left them? Now I know some of you think wow her marriage must be bad but actually the opposite is true. The one thing that I must do as a mom is be prepared for anything and make sure my kids come through it ok. It's not easy being a mom but then it is not a job I take lightly.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

At this point, I think that the OP's original question has been discussed and answered. Since it it begininng to wander away from the origianl topic, I'm closing the thread. My best wishes to the OP, her DH and especially to her DS.