My 16 year old niece is coming to live with me!

[Aliceacc]

Something else just occurred to me:

It's summer and it sounds as though your niece will be moving in very soon.

Why not take a look at some programs offered locally for teens, and see if any pique her interest? Would she like to take a class, or perhaps work at a local camp? Is she active in her church back home, and does your church have some sort of a youth program? Would she consider getting a job at McDonalds or some other place that hires teens-- she could save some money towards college, and meet some other kids.

I'm thinking that she'll make some friends over the summer that way, and make the start of the school year a lot less intimidating.

 

[sweetbambi]

Actually it was the beloved family priest who told her she was plain and that she looks just like her mother who is also plain.He is very old and probably demented, but a character. And my niece really seems to kind of enjoy that and says things like "I picked out these glasses because they seem to call less attention to my being plain" and "People take me seriously because I'm plain"--it's almost a family joke. My kids are both math geniuses and they can do any advising necessary on the homeschooling math front, but it was decided to homeschool her because I am in an awful school district and we don't really know when she will be returning home. And I used to be a teacher. She should meet enough kids at Catholic youth activities as well as Al-Ateen, but she is very clingy to me and my husband.
I am looking forward to the shopping/talking/listening part. I am NOT looking forward to the rules/missing parents/messy teenager part.

 

[AnAmericanInDisney]

Actually it was the beloved family priest who told her she was plain and that she looks just like her mother who is also plain.He is very old and probably demented, but a character. And my niece really seems to kind of enjoy that and says things like "I picked out these glasses because they seem to call less attention to my being plain" and "People take me seriously because I'm plain"--it's almost a family joke. My kids are both math geniuses and they can do any advising necessary on the homeschooling math front, but it was decided to homeschool her because I am in an awful school district and we don't really know when she will be returning home. And I used to be a teacher. She should meet enough kids at Catholic youth activities as well as Al-Ateen, but she is very clingy to me and my husband.
I am looking forward to the shopping/talking/listening part. I am NOT looking forward to the rules/missing parents/messy teenager part.

It's one thing for her to self-deprecate to take the sting out of a hurtful insult. It's another for you to reinforce a mean comment by an old priest (there really is a shortage, isn't there). I can tell your heart is in the right place, but that's not kind.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Actually it was the beloved family priest who told her she was plain and that she looks just like her mother who is also plain.He is very old and probably demented, but a character. And my niece really seems to kind of enjoy that and says things like "I picked out these glasses because they seem to call less attention to my being plain" and "People take me seriously because I'm plain"--it's almost a family joke. My kids are both math geniuses and they can do any advising necessary on the homeschooling math front, but it was decided to homeschool her because I am in an awful school district and we don't really know when she will be returning home. And I used to be a teacher. She should meet enough kids at Catholic youth activities as well as Al-Ateen, but she is very clingy to me and my husband.
I am looking forward to the shopping/talking/listening part. I am NOT looking forward to the rules/missing parents/messy teenager part.

Cruelty comes in all forms, even the well meaning statements from a beloved priest. Being the butt of a family joke is not something I would NOT foster. It is a very negative view of herself.

Learning to love herself is the first step to her healing her open wounds. It will be a slow process but you guys will get there.

I would mention this to your own therapist and see what the therapist says about it. Ask what you should say to her when she makes statements like this.

 

[Disney Ella]

How do the adults react when she makes those comments about herself? I hope someone jumps in and says something positive. She might be saying these things as a defense mechanism - say something bad about yourself before someone else can.

Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. Some of the actresses other people think are beautiful are just average as far as I am concerned. And just because someone tried to label your niece as plain doesn't mean everyone views her that way.

What do you mean when you say the school district is awful? Do you mean it's dangerous or just not high performing. If it's not dangerous, I would send her to school. Catholic youth groups and Al-A-Teen meetings certainly provide some socialization, but she might not make friends there, particularly if the Catholic kids all go to the same school and already have friends. Making friends is more likely to happen if she sees people on a daily basis.

It's wonderful that she has a place to go during this terrible time in her life, and it sounds like you have her best interests at heart.

 

[ronandannette]

Cruelty comes in all forms, even the well meaning statements from a beloved priest. Being the butt of a family joke is not something I would NOT foster. It is a very negative view of herself.

Learning to love herself is the first step to her healing her open wounds. It will be a slow process but you guys will get there.

I would mention this to your own therapist and see what the therapist says about it. Ask what you should say to her when she makes statements like this.

Yep, and it WILL leave a mark. Even an off-handed remark can imprint deeply on one's self-image. It's really so sad to see how many beautiful young ladies with unlimited potential just can't see themselves that way. It often leaves them looking for love in "all the wrong places" and/or involving themselves in situations far below what they deserve.

Please make a point of being part of the solution in this regard rather than perpetuating the problem, in the life of a girl that apparently already has many. Your undivided attention over the coming months is a great opportunity to help her get in touch with her feminine beauty (and we all have it, just waiting to emerge). Do "girly" things with her, pick out a few new outfits, help her learn about flattering hair styles and make-up and above all TELL her she is uniquely BEAUTIFUL and precious beyond measure in the eyes of God regardless of what she thinks she looks like (this last part is especially important given the priest thing). Best wishes to both of you!

 

[DisneyFoodieFan]

I really want to praise you for taking in your niece which is a kind thing to do, but I am too disturbed by the plain comment...and even more-so by your last response to it. So much wrong there that I don't even know where to begin.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Would Catholic school be an option? She needs to see that she can function in a social setting and learn to feel good about herself. Again, if you do choose to home school, check the laws. You comment that you are not sure how long she will be there makes me think you may not have legal rights and in our state could not home school her. You do not want her to mess up and not graduate or put her future education at risk. I think her self confidence and self worth is most important right now, but don't forget the future too.

 

[Laura66]

ANY comments about your Dear neice being plain - by ANYONE - even a "beloved" family priest are SO out of line!
It's mean, it's degrading, it's humiliating and really - emotional abuse! Of course she jokes about it! If people are referring to her and her mother as such I'm sure making jokes about it is a way to cope! Her being plain is the family joke!!?? Really?
I just can't wrap my head around you and others referring to her as that in the first place - and then you coming back and justifying it!

 

[Aliceacc]

Actually it was the beloved family priest who told her she was plain and that she looks just like her mother who is also plain.He is very old and probably demented, but a character. And my niece really seems to kind of enjoy that and says things like "I picked out these glasses because they seem to call less attention to my being plain" and "People take me seriously because I'm plain"--it's almost a family joke. My kids are both math geniuses and they can do any advising necessary on the homeschooling math front, but it was decided to homeschool her because I am in an awful school district and we don't really know when she will be returning home. And I used to be a teacher. She should meet enough kids at Catholic youth activities as well as Al-Ateen, but she is very clingy to me and my husband.
I am looking forward to the shopping/talking/listening part. I am NOT looking forward to the rules/missing parents/messy teenager part.

Also, while I'm not a "math genius" I have taught high school math for 30 years. I'm very good at what I do.

That doesn't mean I can teach Chemistry or Biology or Shakespeare or Global Studies or English Literature with any degree of competency.

Could I get through the syllabus? I imagine so. But not to the extent that any student deserves.

There is a WORLD of difference between understanding material and knowing how to teach it well.

Also, do your adult kids have the time to devote to teaching your niece every day?

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Er... I just don't see this going well.

 

[kellyg403]

Um...I feel like your heart is in the right place, but not so sure the plan is a great one.

There is no reason I can think of where running family jokes about a young girls looks, especially at a time in her life where she gets enough negative comments elsewhere, are even appropriate. She sounds like she lessens the sting of these comments by pretending to accept it with jokes of her own. That saddens me a great deal. I would definitely approach this subject with your therapist because this poor girl sounds like no self esteem whatsoever.

I understand about the living situation and her needing to be in a more stable environment. But make it the right kind of stable. A teen girl with no self esteem, few friends and little social life outside of religion could go the exact opposite of what you are trying to accomplish. If it were me I would sign her up for the therapy and Ala Teen. Then to help with coping skills I would send her to school. I wouldn't reinforce not going to school so she doesn't have to become less shy or be concerned she is to 'plain' to go to school. Honestly, it ridiculous imho to even equate the two things.

Good Luck!

Kelly