Moving Elderly Relative into Assisted Living - need encouragement

[asta]

We are having to move an elderly resident into assisted living. This gentleman is my husband's uncle but he never married and has no children. My husband has power of attorney and has been helping him manage his health and other affairs. We live 3 hours away so this has not been easy and he would never agree to move close to us. He picked a very, very nice assisted living facility and agreed that this was needed.

We show up to help move him and he had done nothing to get ready. His memory and health had deteriorated so fast that it was shocking. He can't remember anything or anyone longer than five or ten minutes. We spent a long and tiring weekend packing and answering every ten minutes what day of the week it was and what we are going to do with his things. I know his things are very important to him but he is upset about not having his antiques with him. He also has several priceless items that gave been passed down through my husbands family for generations. He is worried about not having those with him but we don't think it is safe to leave those with him at the new facility. We have told him that we will take everything and store it for him. That works for about ten minutes then he starts worrying about them again. I feel so guilty, I don't know if we are right but it seems unwise to leave these valuable items with someone in his shape.

My husband called to check on him this morning and he was not happy and he kept asking about his old apartment. We could take him by but I think it would only upset him. There are boxes everywhere and it will not look like the museum quality place he remembers. Is there a right thing to do?

 

[whatname]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I know it is not easy. It sounds like he really needs some care and it is good that you are getting him the help he needs so that he will stay safe.

Of course, leaving your home at anytime is a big adjustment. I'm sure it is even harder when you can't fully understand, or remember, why you are moving. It sounds like it will take some time for him to adjust. Hopefully, the staff can help to get him involved in the routine of the facility and help him to meet some other residents.

Maybe you could take some of his less expensive belongings to be kept in his room? I know you likely have done this, but if he has some pictures, special items, etc. it may help it seem more like home. Even just the cover from his bed or a pillow from his chair at home. Whatever you think may help him feel more at home. I don't blame you for not taking anything valuable. Most facilities don't want those things anyway.

Some people adjust to this new living situation quickly. Some people take a while. Some people never fully accept their situation. You have to know that you did the right thing. If his health and memory were declining, he likely was not safe being alone and this is in his best interest.

Good luck.

 

[JanaDee]

I am sorry, I know how hard it is. We will be dealing with this for MIL very very soon, so I will be following the thread closely.

 

[Hannathy]

please consider taking as many of his things that he misses to his new place. It really does help them feel at home and he will just fuss forever until he gets things. It isn't fair to him. They are his things. I can't believe everything is stuff that would walk especially if this is a quality place. get insurance. I wouldn't take jewelry that he could misplace but furniture or art work. Why store it, he should enjoy it as long as possible, it is his.

The people who settle in the quickest and easiest are the ones who feel it is home and that usually means having enough of their stuff with them that they don't feel shoved out.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Maybe you could take some of his less expensive belongings to be kept in his room? I know you likely have done this, but if he has some pictures, special items, etc. it may help it seem more like home. Even just the cover from his bed or a pillow from his chair at home. Whatever you think may help him feel more at home.

Excellent suggestions.

My husband has power of attorney and has been helping him manage his health and other affairs.

I know his things are very important to him but he is upset about not having his antiques with him. He also has several priceless items that gave been passed down through my husbands family for generations. He is worried about not having those with him but we don't think it is safe to leave those with him at the new facility. We have told him that we will take everything and store it for him. That works for about ten minutes then he starts worrying about them again. I feel so guilty, I don't know if we are right but it seems unwise to leave these valuable items with someone in his shape.

He has to have some of his things, even if they are valuable. Remember, they are THINGS and he is a human being who owns those things and wants them with him. He deserves that, doesn't he? Maybe I'm misreading and he does have some things that are familiar to him already, but imagine yourself being dropped off to an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar surroundings and people, and being confused about all of it. Wouldn't you want some of the things you know and love around you? He appointed your DH his PoA for a reason - because he trusted him to do the right thing. Now, would I drop off the million dollar desk or original copies of Abraham Lincoln's letters? Of course not. I would sort through his things, though, and bring him some that are comforting to him, but that won't be devastating losses if they are destroyed or stolen, etc. I'd also have a talk with administrators there about this type of thing, I'm sure it's not as uncommon as you'd think. Ask what safeguards they have in place for prevention of theft or damage, etc.

I also agree about pictures - they are so important to him, and to the staff and other residents, to get to know him. Many places have "memory boxes" outside residents' rooms where you can include a variety of photos from different aspects of his life. Good luck, it's a very hard thing to do. We had to do it in our family as well.

 

[jdb in AZ]

It's hard. no two ways about it. DMIL had some of her Llado in her room, specifically a large figurine worth about $4,000 and it did just fine. Will your relative have a lock on his door? Is there a receptionist on duty by the main door who would notice things "walking out the door?"

When a friend had to put a relative in assisted living, the relative complained and hated my friend, but soon forgot who put her there, so she forgot to hate.

Unfortunately, elderly people with memory loss just aren't going to get better. I asked DMIL's doctor if the decline leveled off at some point. He said no, it just keeps deteriorating.

 

[teacherlisa1978]

When my 81 year old grandfather was moved to assisted living he absolutely hated it. He asked everyone who came to visit to take him back home. Nothing really made him happy but we made sure he had things like his favorite coffee mug, some plates , his very old clock, a throw blanket and pillow that made him feel more at home. I'd see if I could bring a couple of the valuable items as long as they're not very very expensive antiques or something. They're his things , he should have them. The fact that they're valuable won't matter to him when he's gone.

 

[GoofyBaseballMom26]

My experience has been that the elderly kind of create a nest in their homes where they spend most of their time. When we had to move my Mother, I moved the "nest" to the facility. I would focus on that. The memory issue will not get better. I have to explain the same things to my mom several time a week or even several times a day.
Do NOT take him back to the apartment. That might seem mean but he will just be more confused if you do. It won't be long before he forgets it all together probably.
What you are dealing with is very stressful for everyone. Good luck and bless you for helping.

 

[Saphire]

It is going to take him time to settle in, especially with the memory issues he has. He needs to have a new routine and get to know the staff at his new facility. The disruption of a move often causes confusion and sometimes aggression. You are doing the right thing. Just give him that time to adjust.

I also agree with others that he should not only have familiar belongings, but some of the treasured ones as well. Please talk to the director and get advice about how to proceed. Good Luck!

 

[asta]

OP here. We did move some of his things. The problem comes from the fact that his home was like living in a museum. He had several items that have been treasured by the family for over 150 years. These things can't be replaced and I just don't think they should be risked by being in a facility with so many people coming and going. If he were thinking clearly I don't think he would want them placed in a risky situation where he is too incapacitated to take care of them.

We did move some of his artwork, figurines and some furniture. We are hanging artwork he picked up in post World War II Europe that he treasures. He wants some of the big heavy furniture pieces but they just will not fit. He is in an apartment for right now so he can have things but he is fading so fast that I think the facility may soon want to move him to their dementia/Alzheimer's unit. He also wants some of his oriental carpets but they would be on top of carpet and are a real tripping hazard. He is losing part of his foot, maybe more so we said no to the extra carpets.

This is just so sad. He asked my husband this morning why he did this to him. He thinks he can just go back.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This is just so sad. He asked my husband this morning why he did this to him. He thinks he can just go back.

Classic. Sounds like he will be in the locked unit sooner than later, given his memory issues. I'm surprised he's not there now. I agree you should probably wait to see where he's going to wind up - those rooms are often small, and sometimes shared. There might not be room for much. I would give him what you can, though, so he has some familiarity with his surroundings. Obviously not the irreplacable heirlooms.

 

[LuLuO]

My FIL went from assisted living to skilled nursing within a year. In assisted living, he had a nice big apartment. Now, he has a semi-shared space but there little room for anything besides his recliner and a small dresser. He is in skilled nursing mainly for physical complications but he also has dementia. He still expects to come home and brings it up almost every time we visit. We just kind of skip over that conversation now because he gets confused and angry. The other day he thought it was thirty years ago. It is heartbreaking to see the decline and how it has happened so quickly.

My MIL was a director for a nursing home and my mom worked in an upscale assisted living facility for 16 years. They have seen it all. Theft happens everywhere. Do not take the priceless heirlooms to the facility. Anything small can be easily pocketed and that needs to factor that into your decision. It may be worth him having his small personal items. They are his after all. Insure the valuable items.

Credit cards, cash and checks/check book are included in the small, easily pocketed items. Also, residents can be easily talked into parting with their money. FIL is not allowed those things. He has an allowance that my MIL has set up with the facility and he can spend up to that much each month. For anything over that they just give her a call. All of the extras are added on to the monthly bill.

I hate to be a Debbie Downer but the staff will all be aware that you are not in town. Of course not everyone is a thief. Most are not. But, there are people who will take advantage especially when they know that no one comes to visit on a regular basis.

Good luck OP. It is a tough road for everyone involved.

 

[MrsToad]

OP here. We did move some of his things. The problem comes from the fact that his home was like living in a museum. He had several items that have been treasured by the family for over 150 years. These things can't be replaced and I just don't think they should be risked by being in a facility with so many people coming and going. If he were thinking clearly I don't think he would want them placed in a risky situation where he is too incapacitated to take care of them.

I know it is important to ensure our loved ones have favorite items around that will provide some comfort; we went through the same process with DH's grandmother, but a treasured item was later lost. DH's grandmother was very creative. A particular painting she had done received rave reviews and was put on public display for a time. She loved the painting and so did her son. The painting went with her to the assisted living facility. She had always said she wanted her son to have the painting when she was gone, repeating that wish even after moving to the facility; she had also left notes stating this in her personal papers. Her mind later deteriorated and in one of her less lucid moments, she gave the painting to a distant relative who had stopped in to visit. It never made it back to her son. I know it was her painting to do with as she wished, but at the same time, we all know this outcome wasn't her wish when she was lucid. At the same time, I don't know if we should have done anything differently, as the painting did bring her comfort, for a time, while she was in the facility.

I wish you all the best as you care for your DH's uncle - he's lucky to have you.

 

[marybet]

I think you are correct in not taking the family heirlooms. Maybe you could take some pictures of them & explain you are keeping them safe. I really don't think he will be any happier if you did take him the items, he will still not be home & he may just keep asking for other things.

It is hard but I think you are doing the right thing.

 

[suzcruz]

I recently moved my aunt into assisted living. Unfortunately she had to move from a 2 bedroom into a studio and obviously most of her furniture would not fit. Although my sister and I spent hours going through everything she owned and having her decide what to take, store, or donate, my aunt has become fixated on what to us are basically meaningless items such as a cooking pot she can longer lift and her knitting bag which she has not used in at least 10 years. Every time we talk to her she mentions these items and is furious with us for "throwing all her stuff away."

Also, the assisted living place told us that it typically takes 45-60 days for a person to adjust to the new living situation. Even though it appears to be a nice well-run place, they advised us not to bring anything too valuable as various people checking on my aunt come into her room several times a day. I offered to buy her a smaller, lighter pot but she would rather bemoan the loss of the old one. I am thinking that if my aunt continues to obsess over her pot that I might ask a doctor about anti-anxiety medication, as I think the pot is really a symbol for her worries and fears. Sadly, I fully expect that she will be angry with us until she either loses her memory or passes on but there is little I can do at this point. I guess you have to take comfort in knowing that even if your relative is upset, you really are doing what is best for them.

 

[asta]

I want to thank all of you for the kind words. You have really helped me feel a little better about our decisions. This whole process just stinks. It is so hard seeing this proud, independent person reduced to such confusion. In the space of 4 months he went from being able to converse nicely to this confused person who has forgotten almost everyone.

This weekend was almost like living in an insane asylum. People who work with dementia patients are a special kind of angel. I don't know how they do it.

 

[ronandannette]

I want to thank all of you for the kind words. You have really helped me feel a little better about our decisions. This whole process just stinks. It is so hard seeing this proud, independent person reduced to such confusion. In the space of 4 months he went from being able to converse nicely to this confused person who has forgotten almost everyone.

This weekend was almost like living in an insane asylum. People who work with dementia patients are a special kind of angel. I don't know how they do it.

Brace yourself for what may likely come next. The personality changes caused by dementia are seldom positive, but on the upside, they are generally transient as the person declines. Be prepared for him to go through a "stage" of extreme anxiety and perhaps be combative. He will feel constantly disoriented as his failed memory won't allow him to retain any information and settle into the new situation as everything is constantly "new" and unfamiliar. This can be extremely frightening to the person and their hostility is often vented on someone they can recognize. Negativity, bitterness and even vulgarity during this time is not uncommon but can come as a shock if he was never like this before. Luckily, (or sadly, depending on how you look at it) this will pass if he lives long enough. There is usually a far greater peace once the person has actually lost touch with the past and simply exists in the moment. If you allow yourself to adapt you can actually have some really sweet times with him again at that stage. Walking through this journey right now with the beloved 97 y.o. lady that "used to" be my Mom.

 

[kacaju]

we are fighting this battle with my mom. She is refusing to stay at the assisted living and we have been told we may need to move her back home and get home care for her...long story....

 

[Arielle22]

I have gone through the process of moving elderly relatives into assisted living or nursing homes several times. It is never easy.

My BIL is going through this with his aunt. She never married or had children so it is BIL and his sister handling it. BIL has her car, after her doctor said she can't drive. She was supposed to take a state test for driving prior to getting the car back. She forgot to go for the test. Yet she calls BIL up every other day or so saying she will call the police to report he stole her car.

The aunt has been hospitalized since she was found wandering her apartment building crying. The hospital won't release her unless it is to assisted living.

My MIL was in assisted living for 2 years. At the end she kept saying she needed an ambulance so an ambulance would take her to the hospital and she would get checked out and released. She came to live with us for 8 months, attending adult day care but she required more care and was placed in a nursing home.

I have told my DDs that they should do whatever they think best when the time comes for them to assume responsibility for DH and myself. I said even if I complain then I will know in my heart that they are taking care of us.

OP, good luck through this process.

 

[tvguy]

It's tough. I lost my mom a year ago, a year after she had a stroke and had to move into a Board and Care.
Thanks to her smart planning over the years, I was able to afford to keep her house and pay for the board and care, and while I never her took her inside her house after she moved, we routinely drove by so she could inspect the place.

Sadly, this whole process is just part of life for many older folks. I saw my mom every day but 8 days in the last year of her life. So many of the other folks around her had no family. One lady in her late 90's already had her children die from old age.