Motivating a teenager??

[juliebean]

Julie,

He really does sound like my son. We took away the cell phone, Xbox, laptop, iPod, all TV privileges unless he's watching something with us, time with friends, even his stereo.....all he can do is read and nothing phased him. He acted as if it wasn't a big deal to lose everything. His weekly report comes out on Tuesday and even though he knew we'd be checking it weekly, as well as being in e-mail communication with his teachers, it still didn't change the behavior. He's also a very bright, respectful, helpful, happy, popular kid who plays football, rugby, and used to make straight A's ~ but is now getting mostly C's with one or two grades bordering on D's. The questionnaire we/his teachers filled out touched on Inattentive ADD, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Anxiety/Depression. He got a "0" in ADHD and ODD but definitely tested positive for Inattentive and Anxiety/Depression.

I really encourage you to read the following link:

http://www.addvance.com/help/parents/gifted_child.html

Thank you, he does fit pretty much every description of this. I'm not sure whether to ask his Dr. or the school, guess I'll check with both. Please let me know how it works out with your son, it's heartbreaking to see them not reach their potential.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Since you are dangling carrots and he isn't biting, you have you considered to look into "WHY" he is unmotivated. It could be standard teenage stuff, or there could be something like ADHD.

I'm ADHD and as an adult, where I can kind of control if I get something or not regardless of whether I say I only get it if I meet XYZ goals--it is tough.

It also could be something else.

But basically--if there is a legitimate reason why he is unable to nibble on the carrots for motivation, it won't matter what the carrots are.

 

[NotUrsula]

I should've added, I asked when this all first started if the school if they could make him write down assignments or have teachers initial or provide daily reports and they just don't think this is either helpful in the larger goal of getting him to do the work, or logistically possible for the teachers. They only have 4 minutes between classes and the classes themselves are fairly short, so I've been told the Friday reports are what they can do. This was my first reaction too, but what I really need to find is a motivator for him to do the work, rather than me checking up on him daily with 8 teachers. Your right, it was a lot easier when he was younger.

Does your school not maintain an assignment page online? Check with his HS; IME most of them now use electronic gradebooks that include assignment portals that teachers must update in order to be able to enter the grades for that assignment. (The problem at our current school is that they use a home-grown system to do it, and it doesn't date the updates. That makes it hard for a parent to double-check, when you could easily be looking at something that is a week old. The high school that DS will be moving to uses Spiral, whieh should be a lot better.)

FWIW, the psychologist who did DS' academic evaluation put it this way: "Don't count on ever being able to stop doing this; he will always need help with these things." Technology helps a LOT in these terms; most offices now use things like Outlook and Project to keep team members abreast of what they need to be completing and when.

 

[juliebean]

Well, my DS that age has this issue, but he isn't doing it on purpose. (DS has mild Asperger's with dysgraphia and a learning disorder) With him it comes from a problem with what is known as "executive functioning". Writing down assignments and time mgmt are part of it. He did OK in school when he was little, but as assignments became more and more complicated and more time-consuming he sank like a stone because he couldn't keep track. His executive function disorder is not related to ADHD -- he can pay attention just fine, he just cannot self-regulate tasks without a LOT of help. The problem is related to his Asperger's, and is neurological.

If your DS has always had issues with this to some degree, then I wouldn't assume it is a deliberate and/or careless behaviour until you rule out something with a clinical cause. I'd have him evaluated, just in case. (The problem is easy to spot in standardized tests designed to bring it out.) DS wasn't diagnosed until age 11, and we spent years yelling at him and punishing him and thinking he was incorrigably lazy -- now I feel awful, because if we had had him evaluated and gotten him into occupational therapy when he was much younger he would almost surely have gotten much better. The older a child gets the harder it is to reprogram brain functions.

Also, FWIW, "C"s are not the end of the world. Those are solid passing grades, and I'd be thrilled to death is DS could consistently maintain a C average. (And yes, he's quite bright; he just loses points constantly for failure to follow directions.)

Thank you for sharing your experience, I will ask about the executive processing. I could see this being a problem, he could do 200 piece puzzles at 3, astounds his geometry teacher with solutions & I still have to remind him to brush his teeth every morning. He has always been the absent minded professor... I just always thought he'd be a professor or engineer walking around with his shirt half tucked in, but his grades are really even eliminating that future.

 

[juliebean]

Well, my DS that age has this issue, but he isn't doing it on purpose. (DS has mild Asperger's with dysgraphia and a learning disorder) With him it comes from a problem with what is known as "executive functioning". Writing down assignments and time mgmt are part of it. He did OK in school when he was little, but as assignments became more and more complicated and more time-consuming he sank like a stone because he couldn't keep track. His executive function disorder is not related to ADHD -- he can pay attention just fine, he just cannot self-regulate tasks without a LOT of help. The problem is related to his Asperger's, and is neurological.

If your DS has always had issues with this to some degree, then I wouldn't assume it is a deliberate and/or careless behaviour until you rule out something with a clinical cause. I'd have him evaluated, just in case. (The problem is easy to spot in standardized tests designed to bring it out.) DS wasn't diagnosed until age 11, and we spent years yelling at him and punishing him and thinking he was incorrigably lazy -- now I feel awful, because if we had had him evaluated and gotten him into occupational therapy when he was much younger he would almost surely have gotten much better. The older a child gets the harder it is to reprogram brain functions.

Also, FWIW, "C"s are not the end of the world. Those are solid passing grades, and I'd be thrilled to death is DS could consistently maintain a C average. (And yes, he's quite bright; he just loses points constantly for failure to follow directions.)

Thank you for sharing your experience, I will ask about the executive processing. I could see this being a problem, he could do 200 piece puzzles at 3, astounds his geometry teacher with solutions & I still have to remind him to brush his teeth every morning. He has always been the absent minded professor... I just always thought he'd be a professor or engineer walking around with his shirt half tucked in, but his grades are really even eliminating that future.

 

[NotUrsula]

My ds13 has a similar IQ, which is why he was able to compensate until about 6th grade. I asked about getting a tutor, but his teachers told me he had no problem comprehending the material, it was the fact that he made stupid mistakes, left out parts of projects, didn't follow directions , etc. that was causing the B's and C's.

The testing for ADD is not a written test - it's a questionaire for parents and teachers to fill out. My ds is textbook ADD, not ADHD, as is DH (who can't leave the house without forgetting his wallet or keys). My DH is also very successful, with a MBA, only because he's smart enough to compensate.

FYI: We did get DS a tutor, a professional teacher who specializes in LD. She doesn't help him with the subject matter; she helps him with study techniques and organizational tools that his regular teachers don't have the time to teach him to use. Not cheap, but helpful; he's only gotten docked for being late on assignments 6 times this year. (Still needs work on things like forgetting to put his name on the paper or only reading the first clause in a test question that has dependent clauses.)

One of the things that we have been encouraged to do is to ask teachers to glance at papers when he turns them in and refuse to accept them if any sections are obviously missing or blank. It is teaching him that blowing off crossing the T's and dotting the I's because he is content to accept a lower grade is not acceptable -- the idea is that he automatically gets a zero if he does not make the effort to be sure that he addresses every problem or question.


PS: DS always has to be reminded to brush his teeth, and separately reminded to use toothpaste and floss. We have a sign in the bathroom breaking down all the things he has to do in there every morning, because he just doesn't naturally infer that hygiene things have to be done every single day.

 

[chris31997]

OP you mentioned that he said it was all boring. That sent up a flag to me. He may not be challenage enough and you may need to fight to have him advanced. If he is challanged enough that might be the motivating factor you need.

I had a friend who could not understand why her DD was failing first grade. When they moved they decided to homeschool and started to fly through the material. They tested her and she was off the charts. She was failing because she was bored. Would not bring home any homework, would barely do any schoolwork. But full comprehended what she did. She was just bored.

 

[mjkacmom]

FYI: We did get DS a tutor, a professional teacher who specializes in LD. She doesn't help him with the subject matter; she helps him with study techniques and organizational tools that his regular teachers don't have the time to teach him to use. Not cheap, but helpful; he's only gotten docked for being late on assignments 6 times this year. (Still needs work on things like forgetting to put his name on the paper or only reading the first clause in a test question that has dependent clauses.)
.

Oh, that type of tutor would be awesome for ds. I meant a tutor to help him understand the material would be a waste. OP, maybe if your ds was diagnosed with something, the schools would make some modifications (like give you the assignments). I bought a second set of books to keep at home when ds was in elementary school, but if I went through the channels with the school, I would've gotten a 504, and the school would've given them to me.

 

[mwmom]

As an elementary school principal, I have seen kids like this before. Yes, it could be something like ADD Inattentive type so I would definitely talk with your doctor and see about at least doing an evaluation, but I have another theory. Based on his IQ score and the way you described him being able to do things at a very early age like putting together a puzzle that size, I think you have a very gifted child. If you do some research on the internet about gifted students, or those with extremely high intelligence, you will find many of the characteristics that you describe. He doesn't see the point in it all bc it seems like a waste of time to him.

I suggest researching this yourself and talking with a school administrator or counselor about his high level of intelligence. If he is not performing in class, his teachers may not even recognize this in him. Ask if someone can give him a current IQ test and then discuss options for him. It might be that if you can find a teacher or class that can meet his needs, he might surprise you.

I know it is frustrating now, but explore both options above. I hope that you can find out how to help him bc he sounds like someone with great potential. I wouldn't go the "punishment" route too much just yet. Explore what you can do to meet his needs.

 

[coinkc]

I have to chime in hear and agree with what so many of the others are saying. My 14 (will be 15 next month) year old daughter sounds exactly like your son. She also tested with an extremely high IQ and did very well in elementary school. Basically it was a piece of cake. Middle school, issues started to arise with her not turning in assignments, forgetting things, losing everything not physically attached to her body, etc. This year she is a freshman in high school and to say it's been tough is an understatment!

It has been one frustration after another. I also did everything you did...took away electronics, extra chores, being grounded. We made a calendar to help her meet deadlines, bought colored sticky notes, folders, anything I could think of to help her get organized. You name it, I tried it. Nothing seemed to help. I honestly don't think she was trying to do poorly...she just couldn't seem to change her ways. She kept saying how she wanted to change but didn't know how.

One month ago, she was officially diagnosed with ADD Inattentive Type. She started taking Focalin XR (extended release). It took about a week or so but then I noticed things starting to change. She turned in her homework on time, started studying for real (not jumping from one topic to another), she even went to each teacher and talked to them about all the missing assigments she had to see what could be done about them.

This week is finals for her and I have been dreading it for weeks because I knew it was going to be one battle after another to get her to study. I am EXTREMELY happy to report that she is doing GREAT on her tests! She set up her own study schedule for the week based on when her tests were. So far, she has received a 92%, 96%, and 97% on her finals! One more to go tomorrow and she's done!!!

Her doctor told me it's not unusual for the Inattentive type to be diagnosed in teens because high school is where the issues become more obvious. Good luck with your son...I know how frustrating it can be to watch them struggle when you know they are capable of so much more. I know we are not completely out of the woods but feel like we are finally making steps forward instead of sliding back every day! And more importantly, peace has been restored to our house.

 

[v.t.]

I agree with PP that your son may be bored. You could look into summer courses at a local college and see if anything perks his interest. Taking a summer session or simply a week long camp might motivate him as well as let you know what he is capable of.
You might also want to speak with the band director. Sometimes they are more than happy to encourage (demand) good grades out of their students. The only other thing I could advise is to find your DS a girlfriend that wants him to make good grades. That did wonders for my DN.

 

[cassandrap83]

This was my problem in high school. I scored 100% (or near that) on all my tests, got great participation points too, but hated & was offended by homework. I found it to be a complete waste of time because I already knew how to do what they were teaching me. I never had to study for tests, & I never did my homework, and as a result I got Bs and sometimes Cs when I should have been getting As.

And honestly, there was nothing that my parents could do about it. I just did not care at all. It literally was so offensive that my teachers expected me to work hours at night to learn something I already knew.

Even with Cs, I still got into great colleges......mainly b/c my SAT/ACT scores were ridiculously high.

Unfortunately, there is no way around this. If he has teachers that count homework as a large part of his grade, then he's pretty much screwed. The best thing you can do is continue to bribe/motivate him, but....I doubt it will work.

I still hate homework.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

This was my problem in high school. I scored 100% (or near that) on all my tests, got great participation points too, but hated & was offended by homework. I found it to be a complete waste of time because I already knew how to do what they were teaching me. I never had to study for tests, & I never did my homework, and as a result I got Bs and sometimes Cs when I should have been getting As.

And honestly, there was nothing that my parents could do about it. I just did not care at all. It literally was so offensive that my teachers expected me to work hours at night to learn something I already knew.

Even with Cs, I still got into great colleges......mainly b/c my SAT/ACT scores were ridiculously high.

:

This was my DH. He got a full scholarship based on his test scores. He also did very well in college which I am guessing is because grades are mostly based on tests.

OP - My DS is only in 6th, which is the last year in elementary, but I can see middle school and high school being a struggle with organization. We're lucky in that he is in a gifted program so the teachers see this quite often and have been very helpful with him. His third grade teacher told me, "He's going to be very successful. He's just going to need a good secretary." He's also been called the absent minded professor.

It seems like you are doing anything I would recommend. I would not take band away. It is also not unusual for gifted kids to have poor self-esteem so I would not want to take something away that makes him feel proud.