Motivating a teenager??

[juliebean]

We are at our wit's end...

Our fifteen year old is very smart, but doesn't do well in school because he doesn't write down assignments and turn in his homework. As a result, he's gotten a couple of C's each quarter of his freshman year. In middle school it wasn't straight A's, but not C's.

We've tried everything I can think of. I've spent every year he's been in school trying to teach him to be conscientious about these things. We've offered him money for a car or a new sax. We've taken away TV, videogames, computer use, hanging out with friends. Nothing seems to bother him, he is generally happy and has no problem hanging out in his room reading or sleeping when he is in trouble.

What have you found that will work to motivate a change in a teenager? Both my husband and I are from poor families, worked hard in HS, earned scholarships and worked our way through college. We believe it's way we have a good life and cannot imagine our son not going to college. My husband wants to not allow him to take band next year, I disagree and feel that it's only going to lead to worse decisions and won't effect the change we need. So, it's a major topic of "discussion" for us right now and I need to find a solution. Thanks in advance for your suggestions.

 

[mjkacmom]

Focalin. However, I've known ds has had ADD since about the second grade. He kept all A's until 5 - 6th grade, and then could no longer hold it together. I've always asked his teachers' opinions, and up until 6th grade, was told that medicating was not necessary (and he's never had a behavior problem, and still doesn't). However, he wasn't focusing, was making stupid mistakes, forgetting to turn in assignments, etc.

Ever since we started with the medication, he's been fine, and on top of his work, and getting the A's he should be getting. As parents, we are so happy to not be frustrated anymore.

 

[crisi]

I'm considering sticking mine in tutoring. i.e. MORE SCHOOL. If he can maintain his grades on his own, great! His evenings are his. If he can't, his evenings belong to me and Sylvan.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Does he have a phone?? That can be the #1 motivator of teens!

Really he has to motivate himself. As hard as it is to watch, sometimes they have to learn the hard way. I would not take band. All children need a place to shine and maybe that is his.

Also remember that HS is a whole different game. Kids that excelled in lower grades sometime fall short there. Be very sure he is NOT giving you his best before you get too hard on him/

 

[disneyandme]

If he is acting like a small child, than treat him like one. As soon as he arrives home from school, check his backpack and assignment book. Make sure he has everything he needs. If not, drive him back to school to get it all-- make him pay for the gas (with extra chores if he doesn't have cash). Make him sit at the kitchen table- no tv radio telephone- to do his work each night. Make sure no one else is distracting him either. Then, you can see if he is struggling or just doesn't feel like doing the work.

 

[Dragonfly_34]

Oh boy! I wrote a very similar post on a parenting board a few weeks ago about my 14 year old son....right down to not turning in assignments, not studying for tests and not caring about what was taken away from him as a result. We ended up going to his doctor and talking about it ~ he suspected it could be Inattentive ADD, which is different than ADHD. He gave us a couple of questionnaires to have filled out by 3 of DS's teachers, and we had one to fill out as well. We went over the results today and based on the scores, he feels that DS has Inattentive ADD. I actually just dropped off his prescription for Ritalin at the pharmacy ~ the doctor is starting him out on a very low dose and said he will probably double it, but he has to start him out at the lowest to see if it helps. The doctor did say it was unusual for any form of ADD to be diagnosed this late, but to be honest I didn't know there was such a thing as Inattentive ADD until a few weeks ago. I always associated ADD with ADHD and DS14 doesn't have the hyperactive tendencies and never has. Both DH and I have always chalked up DS's behavior as typical kid/teenage stuff, which is why we didn't address it with the doctor sooner. It might be something to consider researching and seeing if you think your son fits any of the criteria ~ I can send you the link for the questionnaire we filled out if you'd like.

Good luck!

 

[scrapquitler]

We are at our wit's end...

Our fifteen year old is very smart, but doesn't do well in school because he doesn't write down assignments and turn in his homework. As a result, he's gotten a couple of C's each quarter of his freshman year. In middle school it wasn't straight A's, but not C's.

We've tried everything I can think of. I've spent every year he's been in school trying to teach him to be conscientious about these things. We've offered him money for a car or a new sax. We've taken away TV, videogames, computer use, hanging out with friends. Nothing seems to bother him, he is generally happy and has no problem hanging out in his room reading or sleeping when he is in trouble.

What have you found that will work to motivate a change in a teenager? Both my husband and I are from poor families, worked hard in HS, earned scholarships and worked our way through college. We believe it's way we have a good life and cannot imagine our son not going to college. My husband wants to not allow him to take band next year, I disagree and feel that it's only going to lead to worse decisions and won't effect the change we need. So, it's a major topic of "discussion" for us right now and I need to find a solution. Thanks in advance for your suggestions.

I'd be tempted to go for humiliation. Tell him that if he comes home without homework written in the planner, you will call or email (or walk into the school to visit) each teacher to get the assignment from the teacher. The mere threat of it might be enough motivation. If you are willing to actually DO this and he knows it, that might be enough.

 

[mommy-on-the-move]

He sounds like my husband at that age (and yes, I've known him that long I have a pretty good run at knowing what my boys will be like as teens as I've known their dad as one!)

As you state he is a very bright and intelligent child who is capable, just not fully applying himself I'm not sure extra tutoring would work as well as it would with a child who is motivated by lacks the academic skill.

It definitely sounds like inspiration he needs, not assistance.

Do you have such a thing as an unemployment/welfare office in your town? I ask because a couple of years back my DH's place of employment went bankrupt and all 150 men he worked with were suddenly out of work, our town is currently running one of the highest unemployment rates in England and things are pretty bleak here. For DH it was doubly so as he skipped university when our oldest daughter was born when we were 18. We REALLY want our children to go to university out of high school, DH is now at university taking his degree 15 years after most people do!

Anyway, long story short to motivate my 13 year old daughter I sent her along to the job centre (unemployment office) with him on all his signing days whilst he was unemployed, I took her along with me to welfare meetings where I've had to declare every single detail of ours lives in order to get financial aid we've needed during his unemployment. I've taken her to the housing office to get assistance with our rent whilst he was unemployed- she's seen the people who've spent years living that lifestyle, she's been sat with me when people have walked in clearly drunk to sign for their welfare and every single time we've been in those offices I have told her "This is what happens if you don't do well in school" I make it VERY plain to her that anyone can end up on hard times, anyone can need that support but the people with more options to get out of that horrid situation are the ones who did well in school and went to university, the ones who don't need to disclose every element of their lives to a welfare office are ones who have had opportunity to save a safety net of savings by having good jobs.

The first time she went in there it scared the living daylights out of her, I also took her back to the neighbourhood I had to live in when she was first born and we were 18 year old parents, I've taken her to the towerblock project-type housing her father was born & raised in... It is most likely not the most comfortable experience of her life but I want her to see that she needs to work hard to avoid some of the situations we've been in and life has more options for those with a good education behind them.

I mostly take her to the place her father was raised (the same apartment that my MIL convinced DH they were doing better than the family next door because she put tinned hot dogs in their ramen when the family next door ONLY had ramen) I take her that so she can see that she can make something of herself like he has.

You mentioned yourself and your DH grew up poor- have you ever taken him to see how/where you lived?

I know alot of people will find what I do contraversial but at the end of the day I now have a 13 year old who is entirely focused on university and determined she's not having kids until she has a career, a home, is married and is well into her 20's... quite impressive baring in mind she's the product of teenage parents.

 

[juliebean]

I wish there was a phone or other thing that motivates him, but he has one and I constantly have to remind him to carry it, so he can call me for rides, etc. Nothing seems to phase him. He is content in pretty much whatever state his life is in, which in some ways is admirable, but makes finding something to motivate him really difficult.

We took away most everything else over the course of the year...computer use, itouch, most TV (we've left one family fun night as sacred), XBox. We didn't completely cut off the friends, that's week by week, depending on whether the Friday progress report is good or not. All we really have left is band or reading books.

He's very smart, his IQ was 137 when they tested him in 1st grade. But, because of the failure to turn things in, he's only in advanced math now, so he complains about everything being boring and totally understands that that is his own fault. I have considered ADD or another learning problem, but the general consensus over the years is that he is fine, and even if he did have an issue, would compensate and not test as needing assistance.

He is happy (for a teen) and always quick with a joke, actively participates in all his classes, gets A's on most tests - so the fact that he doesn't turn in work is usually something that knocks his grade down a grade, but in the grand scheme of the class, is not terribly significant to his teachers.

So, my husband figures we have to make this "hurt", although the things we took away were things that he liked too and it didn't seem to matter to him. We've tried offering incentives, but also to no avail. It's causing a lot of problems between my husband and I too, we usually agree on parenting, not sure how much we can argue about what to do if he gets C's this quarter.

I do appreciate the advice, I just have to find an answer, you can't give up on your kids...

 

[juliebean]

Oh boy! I wrote a very similar post on a parenting board a few weeks ago about my 14 year old son....right down to not turning in assignments, not studying for tests and not caring about what was taken away from him as a result. We ended up going to his doctor and talking about it ~ he suspected it could be Inattentive ADD, which is different than ADHD. He gave us a couple of questionnaires to have filled out by 3 of DS's teachers, and we had one to fill out as well. We went over the results today and based on the scores, he feels that DS has Inattentive ADD. I actually just dropped off his prescription for Ritalin at the pharmacy ~ the doctor is starting him out on a very low dose and said he will probably double it, but he has to start him out at the lowest to see if it helps. The doctor did say it was unusual for any form of ADD to be diagnosed this late, but to be honest I didn't know there was such a thing as Inattentive ADD until a few weeks ago. I always associated ADD with ADHD and DS14 doesn't have the hyperactive tendencies and never has. Both DH and I have always chalked up DS's behavior as typical kid/teenage stuff, which is why we didn't address it with the doctor sooner. It might be something to consider researching and seeing if you think your son fits any of the criteria ~ I can send you the link for the questionnaire we filled out if you'd like.

Good luck!

Please - I need to take him in for his annual physical soon, and although I hate the idea of meds, it's something I might have to revisit.

 

[Pimama]

How about bribing him with a trip to WDW!!

Seriously, I don't have any answers. My 15 year old is struggling as well but since we homeschool it's very different. I require a lot of independence from him and he doesn't always get things done. I have reminded him that this is his future and he has to decide what he wants. I have talked to him about not closing any doors and keeping his options open. On the other hand, I think this age is pretty tough and having fun with our teenagers is very important. Maybe that trip to WDW is a good idea after all...

 

[juliebean]

If he is acting like a small child, than treat him like one. As soon as he arrives home from school, check his backpack and assignment book. Make sure he has everything he needs. If not, drive him back to school to get it all-- make him pay for the gas (with extra chores if he doesn't have cash). Make him sit at the kitchen table- no tv radio telephone- to do his work each night. Make sure no one else is distracting him either. Then, you can see if he is struggling or just doesn't feel like doing the work.

Pretty much do all this already, he spends an hour studying at our office desk every school day and we have a no TV policy M-Th in our house anyway. The assignment book is tough, he always just says there was nothing to write down that day if it's blank. I do get Friday progress reports, and email his teachers when there is a problem, but I don't feel like I can logistically (or should need) to check on whether he has HW everyday for 8 classes. I would've thought these things would've helped, but the problem remains.

 

[Dragonfly_34]

Julie,

He really does sound like my son. We took away the cell phone, Xbox, laptop, iPod, all TV privileges unless he's watching something with us, time with friends, even his stereo.....all he can do is read and nothing phased him. He acted as if it wasn't a big deal to lose everything. His weekly report comes out on Tuesday and even though he knew we'd be checking it weekly, as well as being in e-mail communication with his teachers, it still didn't change the behavior. He's also a very bright, respectful, helpful, happy, popular kid who plays football, rugby, and used to make straight A's ~ but is now getting mostly C's with one or two grades bordering on D's. The questionnaire we/his teachers filled out touched on Inattentive ADD, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Anxiety/Depression. He got a "0" in ADHD and ODD but definitely tested positive for Inattentive and Anxiety/Depression.

I really encourage you to read the following link:

http://www.addvance.com/help/parents/gifted_child.html

 

[GinnyEmma]

Give him more responsibility. Have him get a job, treat him like an adult, not like a child. Give him a real reason to grow up. I've seen this work in many cases. Someone that smart needs an intrinsic reason to make an effort. It isn't really the paycheck, but the positive experience of doing a job, and doing it well. I'd suggest something physical, just because kids often don't get enough physical, but the library might be an option. Even if this year is only as a volunteer. Page jobs are great.

Humiliation works for short time periods. And sucks in general. And isn't working.

Good to get a check up, also.

 

[disneyandme]

Have you asked his teachers to initial his assignment book each day. Make him go to the teacher after each class and have it signed to prove he has written down the assignments and to confirm when there isn't one.

 

[disneyandme]

.... I do get Friday progress reports, and email his teachers when there is a problem, but I don't feel like I can logistically (or should need) to check on whether he has HW everyday for 8 classes. I would've thought these things would've helped, but the problem remains.

Obviously you do need to check every day if he has homework in each of his 8 classes or you won't be having this problem. Sometimes teenagers need far more supervision with homework than elementary kids. May not seem logical- but it's true.

 

[juliebean]

He sounds like my husband at that age (and yes, I've known him that long I have a pretty good run at knowing what my boys will be like as teens as I've known their dad as one!)

As you state he is a very bright and intelligent child who is capable, just not fully applying himself I'm not sure extra tutoring would work as well as it would with a child who is motivated by lacks the academic skill.

It definitely sounds like inspiration he needs, not assistance.

Do you have such a thing as an unemployment/welfare office in your town? I ask because a couple of years back my DH's place of employment went bankrupt and all 150 men he worked with were suddenly out of work, our town is currently running one of the highest unemployment rates in England and things are pretty bleak here. For DH it was doubly so as he skipped university when our oldest daughter was born when we were 18. We REALLY want our children to go to university out of high school, DH is now at university taking his degree 15 years after most people do!

Anyway, long story short to motivate my 13 year old daughter I sent her along to the job centre (unemployment office) with him on all his signing days whilst he was unemployed, I took her along with me to welfare meetings where I've had to declare every single detail of ours lives in order to get financial aid we've needed during his unemployment. I've taken her to the housing office to get assistance with our rent whilst he was unemployed- she's seen the people who've spent years living that lifestyle, she's been sat with me when people have walked in clearly drunk to sign for their welfare and every single time we've been in those offices I have told her "This is what happens if you don't do well in school" I make it VERY plain to her that anyone can end up on hard times, anyone can need that support but the people with more options to get out of that horrid situation are the ones who did well in school and went to university, the ones who don't need to disclose every element of their lives to a welfare office are ones who have had opportunity to save a safety net of savings by having good jobs.

The first time she went in there it scared the living daylights out of her, I also took her back to the neighbourhood I had to live in when she was first born and we were 18 year old parents, I've taken her to the towerblock project-type housing her father was born & raised in... It is most likely not the most comfortable experience of her life but I want her to see that she needs to work hard to avoid some of the situations we've been in and life has more options for those with a good education behind them.

I mostly take her to the place her father was raised (the same apartment that my MIL convinced DH they were doing better than the family next door because she put tinned hot dogs in their ramen when the family next door ONLY had ramen) I take her that so she can see that she can make something of herself like he has.

You mentioned yourself and your DH grew up poor- have you ever taken him to see how/where you lived?

I know alot of people will find what I do contraversial but at the end of the day I now have a 13 year old who is entirely focused on university and determined she's not having kids until she has a career, a home, is married and is well into her 20's... quite impressive baring in mind she's the product of teenage parents.

I can totally appreciate what you are saying, I know I was motivated by wanting to have a more secure life - without having to move a lot or worry about not having food. And I like to think that some of his lack of motivation comes from having a very easy life, he's never really had anything bad happen to him. We do live in a fairly wealthy community, 3000 miles away from where we grew up & our extended families, and even when we visit I do have to keep my kids somewhat sheltered from cousins their age because they have problems with drugs and police. They know them, but I cannot allow them to spend time alone with them because of the risk. My mother laughs at me when I tell her about considering taking away band, she's just hoping the others stay alive, forget about college.

I hope that a job will be a wake up call for him next year, but even at 16 it's not easy to find a part time job here. I am afraid he's going to have fail at something big to really get his attention. So much easier when they are little!

 

[NotUrsula]

Well, my DS that age has this issue, but he isn't doing it on purpose. (DS has mild Asperger's with dysgraphia and a learning disorder) With him it comes from a problem with what is known as "executive functioning". Writing down assignments and time mgmt are part of it. He did OK in school when he was little, but as assignments became more and more complicated and more time-consuming he sank like a stone because he couldn't keep track. His executive function disorder is not related to ADHD -- he can pay attention just fine, he just cannot self-regulate tasks without a LOT of help. The problem is related to his Asperger's, and is neurological.

If your DS has always had issues with this to some degree, then I wouldn't assume it is a deliberate and/or careless behaviour until you rule out something with a clinical cause. I'd have him evaluated, just in case. (The problem is easy to spot in standardized tests designed to bring it out.) DS wasn't diagnosed until age 11, and we spent years yelling at him and punishing him and thinking he was incorrigably lazy -- now I feel awful, because if we had had him evaluated and gotten him into occupational therapy when he was much younger he would almost surely have gotten much better. The older a child gets the harder it is to reprogram brain functions.

Also, FWIW, "C"s are not the end of the world. Those are solid passing grades, and I'd be thrilled to death is DS could consistently maintain a C average. (And yes, he's quite bright; he just loses points constantly for failure to follow directions.)

 

[juliebean]

Obviously you do need to check every day if he has homework in each of his 8 classes or you won't be having this problem. Sometimes teenagers need far more supervision with homework than elementary kids. May not seem logical- but it's true.

I should've added, I asked when this all first started if the school if they could make him write down assignments or have teachers initial or provide daily reports and they just don't think this is either helpful in the larger goal of getting him to do the work, or logistically possible for the teachers. They only have 4 minutes between classes and the classes themselves are fairly short, so I've been told the Friday reports are what they can do. This was my first reaction too, but what I really need to find is a motivator for him to do the work, rather than me checking up on him daily with 8 teachers. Your right, it was a lot easier when he was younger.

 

[mjkacmom]

I wish there was a phone or other thing that motivates him, but he has one and I constantly have to remind him to carry it, so he can call me for rides, etc. Nothing seems to phase him. He is content in pretty much whatever state his life is in, which in some ways is admirable, but makes finding something to motivate him really difficult.

We took away most everything else over the course of the year...computer use, itouch, most TV (we've left one family fun night as sacred), XBox. We didn't completely cut off the friends, that's week by week, depending on whether the Friday progress report is good or not. All we really have left is band or reading books.

He's very smart, his IQ was 137 when they tested him in 1st grade. But, because of the failure to turn things in, he's only in advanced math now, so he complains about everything being boring and totally understands that that is his own fault. I have considered ADD or another learning problem, but the general consensus over the years is that he is fine, and even if he did have an issue, would compensate and not test as needing assistance.

He is happy (for a teen) and always quick with a joke, actively participates in all his classes, gets A's on most tests - so the fact that he doesn't turn in work is usually something that knocks his grade down a grade, but in the grand scheme of the class, is not terribly significant to his teachers.

So, my husband figures we have to make this "hurt", although the things we took away were things that he liked too and it didn't seem to matter to him. We've tried offering incentives, but also to no avail. It's causing a lot of problems between my husband and I too, we usually agree on parenting, not sure how much we can argue about what to do if he gets C's this quarter.

I do appreciate the advice, I just have to find an answer, you can't give up on your kids...

My ds13 has a similar IQ, which is why he was able to compensate until about 6th grade. I asked about getting a tutor, but his teachers told me he had no problem comprehending the material, it was the fact that he made stupid mistakes, left out parts of projects, didn't follow directions , etc. that was causing the B's and C's.

The testing for ADD is not a written test - it's a questionaire for parents and teachers to fill out. My ds is textbook ADD, not ADHD, as is DH (who can't leave the house without forgetting his wallet or keys). My DH is also very successful, with a MBA, only because he's smart enough to compensate.