Moms.....I need your help!

[lukenick1]

I am dealing with a 5 year old who is throwing tantrums when not getting his way. They will last up to an hour sometimes. This morning he threw a tantrum on the way to the bus stop over goldfish crackers. Needless to say he would not get on the school bus. I ended up picking him up off the ground kicking and screaming onto the bus sat him in his seat and he followed me off the bus. This went on for a minute or two before I took him off and stormed home with him. I ended up driving him to school furious!!! I really don't know what else I could have done. My kids are very stubborn and they don't let up once in a tantrum. I refuse to give in! IN the case of taking him off the bus I had to, he was holding the whole bus up. What would you all have done???
Also, he is in Kindergarten and he is getting in trouble at school for goofing off. He is making silly noises during story time and just being a goofball at inappropriate times to get a rise out of the kids. His teacher is very strict and is sending me home a journal of his behaviors everyday. I've tried rewarding him for good days and punishing him for having bad days. Nothing seems to be working, he just doesn't get it! I don't know what else to do.
Please advise me!
Thanks

 

[rkwells]

What is his most treasured prized activity or toy?...take it away as a consequence. My son, now 11, used to throw temper tantrums a lot when he was younger. I NEVER gave into him, placed consequences on his actions and in the midst of the tantrum, if it was possible in the situation, I tried to ignore him like he was invisible. I didn't want to give him a reaction.
Hang in there! It does usually get better!

 

[mickeyboat]

Well, he must be getting something worthwhile out of his tantrums, or in general they would stop. This could include negative attention or a negative reaction.

What is the teacher doing at school to curb his behaviors other than letting you know about it? It might be worth a conference so you have some sort of plan/united front.

Check out the book 1-2-3 Magic. I am too lazy to look up the author's name, but you should be able to find it easily at any bookstore. It has some really great ideas and tips, especially about curbing negative behaviors.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[NMAmy]

Bless your heart. I have no advice but I'm pretty sure you could use a hug after that kind of day.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Why doesn't he want to go to school? Have you sat with the teacher to find out if she sees something? Like he is getting teased, outcasted and needs to get the negative attention, etc.

I would start there. Always try to work with the teacher.

Then at home use a technique and be consistent. 123 Magic is good or something else of your design. Key is to be effective.

Use your technique on small things at home. Esp. if he is used to getting his way because you don't want him to tantrum.

The secret is you have to let go of your being furious. So, lots of homework and patience for you.
This is why your hair turns gray.

 

[mamacatnv]

I highly recommend the following books:

Dare to Discipline and The Strong Willed Child - both written by Dr. James Dobson.

IMO - you do not have control over your DS and neither does the teacher. I think the average 5 year old gets it, he is choosing to continue the behavior knowing the consequences. Thus, the consequences are not severe or inconvenient enough for him to think about changing his behavior.

For home I would empty his room of everything except the bed and when he cannot behave that is where he goes - nothing to do, no one to play with etc. Put an external lock so he cannot escape, do not give him any feedback, just take him to his room. Be consistent

Good Luck

 

[RF536]

I will come at this from a different angle, try having him evaluated for ADHD. My older son had daily tantrums, even though we were consistant at not giving in when he threw one. We thought he was a very stubborn child, and we must be doing something wrong because he just wasn't getting it. Then we talked to his pediatrician about his behavior and he recommended us to a therapist. Things have gotten much better since he was diagnosed and started medication.

 

[disneyloveNY]

I was also going to suggest getting him evaluated for ADHD. Tantrums at home would be one thing but to have this behavior continue in school would prompt me to have him evaluated or at least speak with his pediatrician.

 

[SRICE100]

I agree to speak to your pediatrician. Sometimes there are other causes.

 

[SRICE100]

I agree to speak to your pediatrician. Sometimes there are other causes.

 

[SeaSpray]

Well, he must be getting something worthwhile out of his tantrums, or in general they would stop. This could include negative attention or a negative reaction.

What is the teacher doing at school to curb his behaviors other than letting you know about it? It might be worth a conference so you have some sort of plan/united front.

Check out the book 1-2-3 Magic. I am too lazy to look up the author's name, but you should be able to find it easily at any bookstore. It has some really great ideas and tips, especially about curbing negative behaviors.

Good luck.

Denae

Why doesn't he want to go to school? Have you sat with the teacher to find out if she sees something? Like he is getting teased, outcasted and needs to get the negative attention, etc.

I would start there. Always try to work with the teacher.

Then at home use a technique and be consistent. 123 Magic is good or something else of your design. Key is to be effective.

Use your technique on small things at home. Esp. if he is used to getting his way because you don't want him to tantrum.

The secret is you have to let go of your being furious. So, lots of homework and patience for you.
This is why your hair turns gray.

When DS17 was a toddler he didn't listen to me at all. I'd try to discipline him the same way that I had disciplined DS20, but since they were so different, it just wasn't working. With DS20, all I'd have to do is speak sternly to him, and once in a while physically pick him up and move him in the direction of what I was wanting him to do, and then he'd behave.

With DS17, it escalated to the point where I was spanking him and starting to lose control of myself in the heat of the moment; NOTHING I was saying or doing to that child would make him change his behaviour. In fact, he'd basically freeze (in what SEEMED like defiance, at the time) and not listen to a word I'd be saying.

ANYWAY, a good friend of mine who's daughter had ADHD recommended the book/video tape "1 2 3 Magic". I was extremely skeptical!! However, I decided to give it a try and it WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have to be CONSISTENT and listen to the advice in the book, to the letter! A more miraculous change, I could not have envisioned. And now all of these years later, my DS17 has never had a day's trouble in school, and is extremely well behaved (although still a typical teenaged boy! LOL).

I really don't like to give much parenting advice because believe me, I'm no expert, but when I saw "1 2 3 Magic" mentioned, I wanted to add my experience here.

Best wishes to you and your DS!!

P.S. Just want to add that my DS also has a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome which contributed to his non-reaction to my initial forms of discipline; my friend's DD has/had ADHD. This method will work for almost any child, even if they have "challenges".

 

[Nette]

DD6 was the same way... she'd throw fits over the tiniest things. Two things seemed to work.

1 - When we were at home, we let her throw the tantrum, but made her go to her room and close the door while she did it. If necessary we would pick her up and move her there ourselves. Then we would continue what ever we were doing pretending she wasn't having a fit. Apparently throwing a tantrum in private is pretty boring, she'd never stay in there longer than a few minutes before coming out to apologize.

2 - In public, we just picked up and left. No matter what we were doing. If we were in a restaurant one of us would take her to the car while the other closed up the bill, left carts of groceries in the aisles, etc.

Only one other thing seemed to have any effect on her... and that was me breaking down in tears of frustration occasionally. She would almost immediately stop screaming and try to comfort me. I don't really recommend that course, though... it's not terribly dignified.

Hang in there. You'll find the right thing that works for him if you keep at it.

 

[LMC]

I have a son with similar "traits". If that situation had happened to me, I would have taken him in the house and tore up his hiney before I drove him to school. This is why I drive my kids to school; my 7 yo would be kicked off the bus within a week! The spanking would not be for the tantrum but for the outright defiance of following you back off the bus.
Now, for the actual helpful info.... take him to a very good child psychologist or psychiatrist (whichever one prescribes meds). I just took my son (7) to one last week for the same behaviors you describe: talking constantly in school, screaming all the time, disrupting class, bad conduct and to add a few... always in perpetual motion, ALWAYS the loudest kid in the class, screaming matches all day with me and my other two kids. I was afraid he was not only ADHD but bi-polar as well. Well he is too young to diagnose bi-polar but imagine my surprise when the doctor told me that DS has "severe ADHD". I can't believe I haven't gone insane in the last almost 8 yrs with that and my special needs DS13 who currently functions on the level of a 8-9 yo. Anyway, have him evaluated then you can decide if you want to try medication or some type of behavior therapy. This would be a good topic on the disAbilities board if you need more advice.

 

[maddiemom]

Also, he is in Kindergarten and he is getting in trouble at school for goofing off. He is making silly noises during story time and just being a goofball at inappropriate times to get a rise out of the kids. His teacher is very strict and is sending me home a journal of his behaviors everyday. I've tried rewarding him for good days and punishing him for having bad days. Nothing seems to be working, he just doesn't get it! I don't know what else to do.
Please advise me!
Thanks

OMG You are completely describing our DS (also 5 and in Kindergarten). We are racking our brains trying to figure out what to do with him. We have used negative reinforcement and positive reinforcement, We have taken EVERYTHING out of his room. Taken away other privledges. His behavior continues to be problematic at school. He is a perfectionist, so when he makes mistakes, he throws a fit at school. He is purposefully drawing attn to himself, thinks he is funny.

He has great attention and understands the rules. He just frequently chooses not to follow them at school. He does well at home but he knows we will come down on him. I think he is taking advantage of the school setting where we don't have control.

Wish I had advice for you, but I am dealing with the same circumstances!

 

[shelby22]

I am dealing with a 5 year old who is throwing tantrums when not getting his way. They will last up to an hour sometimes. This morning he threw a tantrum on the way to the bus stop over goldfish crackers. Needless to say he would not get on the school bus. I ended up picking him up off the ground kicking and screaming onto the bus sat him in his seat and he followed me off the bus. This went on for a minute or two before I took him off and stormed home with him. I ended up driving him to school furious!!! I really don't know what else I could have done. My kids are very stubborn and they don't let up once in a tantrum. I refuse to give in! IN the case of taking him off the bus I had to, he was holding the whole bus up. What would you all have done???

One of my sisters did something like that once. After she ran off the bus and the bus left my mom took her by the hand and walked her the two miles to school. She was so shocked at not getting her way and having to walk to school that she never pulled that stunt again.

 

[Tink888]

JMO - I think you are dealing with two separate issues. If the tantrums are occurring at times unrelated to school, I would continue to ignore them and not give in (I know it's hard and sometimes - like the bus for example - there are circumstances when you absolutely can't ignore it) but when you can, I wouldn't respond at all. He's looking for a reaction. Any response from you, even a negative one, is a reaction. If you react or give in, he learns that this behavior is a method that works.

As for the behavior in school, we went through a similar situation when DS13 was in kindergarten. He would act out in class, didn't want to go to school, etc. Turned out he had separation anxiety. We worked with his teachers. Both at home and school we used behavior modification with small rewards for good behavior and taking things away for inappropriate behavior. We also gave him a stress ball to squeeze at school (sounds funny but it helped) for when he felt anxious and a family picture to keep with him. It took awhile but we were consistent and eventually we got to where we needed to be.

I'm not saying that's what your son is going through but it may be a possibility. to you and hang in there. I know how frustrating and upsetting it can be but things will get better. I promise they will. Kindergarten can be really tough for some kids, more work, more structure, less time to just play and interact. It's a completely different experience from pre-school. For some kids, it's just a really stressful time but it will get better.

 

[golfgal]

One of my sisters did something like that once. After she ran off the bus and the bus left my mom took her by the hand and walked her the two miles to school. She was so shocked at not getting her way and having to walk to school that she never pulled that stunt again.

That is what I would have done. DS16 was being very pokey in the mornings and it was getting worse and worse. One day I just let him poke, he went to the bus stop about 15 minutes late thinking he was the first one there. He came back about 5 minutes later and said that he thought he missed the bus. . I made him walk to school-I followed him in the car. He was in kindergarten and that was the ONLY time he missed the bus in his school career.

I also think you need to dig deeper to the cause of the tantrums. A 5 year old throwing hour long tantrums is not the norm.

 

[barkley]

That is what I would have done. DS16 was being very pokey in the mornings and it was getting worse and worse. One day I just let him poke, he went to the bus stop about 15 minutes late thinking he was the first one there. He came back about 5 minutes later and said that he thought he missed the bus. . I made him walk to school-I followed him in the car. He was in kindergarten and that was the ONLY time he missed the bus in his school career.

I also think you need to dig deeper to the cause of the tantrums. A 5 year old throwing hour long tantrums is not the norm.

i love the idea of making the kid walk, unfortunatly if i tried that with either of my kids they likely would'nt make it to the school before the end of the school day (minimum drive time on the only walkable route going the max speed takes 30 minutes-if there's no bad weather or trains stopping you).

op-i agree that you need to look at what's causing the tantrums. what raises red flags for me is that he's doing it at home and school-my next question is does he do this in any other activities or environments (when being baby sat by family/friends, at a friend's house, any extracurriculars-sports, martial arts....)? reason i ask is because allot of times kids of that age 'pull' this when they are strictly with their parents because they know from experience what the outcome will be, but they don't tend to pull it more than once in a classroom if the teacher reacts appropriatly and nips it in the bud-and they generaly don't do it in outside activities if they know the coach/instructor/sitter/friend's parent won't tolerate it. if they do it in multiple environments it can be a sign of something that requires a medical evaluation-because it's consistent behaviour despite the environment and differing adult reaction. with my son's adhd that was why the evaluation included observational questioneers for every adult to complete who interacted with him regularly in differing environments (in his case-us at home, his sitter, his preschool teacher, his pediatrician).

one thing you might want to do to start off with-keep a log (and have the teacher keep one as well) of when his behaviours differ, and what preceded the changes (positive and negative)-it could point to factors that you've never considered and might need to be looked to (with our ds before he had an adhd eval we did allergy, hearing and vision testing to rule out any other potential contributing factors).

best of luck.

 

[mjkacmom]

Have you had him evaluated? Behaviors like that at 5 don't seem to be the norm. It can be much easier to deal with a situation when you find out the cause.

 

[happygirl]

I am dealing with a 5 year old who is throwing tantrums when not getting his way. They will last up to an hour sometimes. This morning he threw a tantrum on the way to the bus stop over goldfish crackers. Needless to say he would not get on the school bus. I ended up picking him up off the ground kicking and screaming onto the bus sat him in his seat and he followed me off the bus. This went on for a minute or two before I took him off and stormed home with him. I ended up driving him to school furious!!! I really don't know what else I could have done. My kids are very stubborn and they don't let up once in a tantrum. I refuse to give in! IN the case of taking him off the bus I had to, he was holding the whole bus up. What would you all have done???
Also, he is in Kindergarten and he is getting in trouble at school for goofing off. He is making silly noises during story time and just being a goofball at inappropriate times to get a rise out of the kids. His teacher is very strict and is sending me home a journal of his behaviors everyday. I've tried rewarding him for good days and punishing him for having bad days. Nothing seems to be working, he just doesn't get it! I don't know what else to do.
Please advise me!
Thanks

I wouldn;t have taken him off the bus. He won a small battle there. I only know what works for my kids. I wish you and your son the best