MIL Situation

[barkley]

i don't think we know enough about the situation-the 11 and 6 year old went before-but the middle child has'nt gone? that just seems kind of odd.

i'm wondering if the (ex?)mil took the 11 year before with the understanding that a subsequent trip would be for the younger sibs-i've known plenty of vacations that were set up that way (esp. if the 11 year old went at a time when the younger ones were a bit too young that 'grandma' felt unable to handle them). it could also be that she is grandma to only the younger sibs and realy just wants to take 'her' grandchildren and this is a convenient excuse-and as hardhearted as that may seem, i've seen it work the other way around wherein a single child in a family with siblings by a subsequent marriage has literaly reaped a bounty above and beyond their sibs by receiving/going on vacations with maternal grandparents/paternal/step-everyone is trying to keep that child from feeling 'left out' and as a result they get 'included' to the hilt (i know some that have a 'big' christmas/bday/vacation via mom & stepdad, dad & stepmom, both sets of birth grandparents AND the step grandparents they aquire via the remarriages/births of subsequent half sibs-they end up FAR 'ahead' gift/opportunity for travel than their half-sibs).

it could also be as simple as 'grandma' not being able to handle 3 boys-and esp. boys with this range in ages. an 11 year old is going to want to ride a whole gamut of rides a 6 year may be unable to AND 'grandma' may have regularly observed the normal brother dynamics between an 11 year old and younger brothers (i don't know many 11 year olds that have much if any patience with an 8 let alone a 6 year old) and she figures the younger 2 could be better managed alone (i know my son behaves better when he is with kids around his own age or a little younger-with older boys he wants to do everything they do, tries to show-off more, tends to try and impress them by mouthing off a bit) could be she's spent some time alone with the 6/8 year old and figures they'll behave better with her in control vs. the influence of their older brother.

who knows?

the thing that does tick me off is the idea of telling the kids before privatly asking the mom. that is a huge no-no in our family, and we've had to come down hard on some relatives about it-it's not fair to the kids, and it's esp. not fair to the parents when the answer is 'no'.

 

[Barb D]

I'm wondering if there is more to this story. Perhaps the 11 year old has behavioral problems or is a handful?

I was thinking this, too. OR, could it be that the MIL herself took the 11yo when he was 6 or 8, and is now considering that it's the younger kids' turn?

 

[bear74]

I'm wondering why the middle child has not been before when the youngest went but was to young to remember.

The MIL telling the Kids before asking the mom makes me mad. We know its not for finacial reasons that she is refusing to take the 1 yr old. because the mom offered to pay for him.

I would say none at all. because 1) she told the kids before asking mom I bet she already told the 11 yr old she wasn't taking him. So he already has hurt feelings and resentment towards her. 2) if she did agree to take the 11 yr old how would she treat him since she did not want him to go in the first place.

 

[badblackpug]

Ok, here are the answers: I may have mis-typed, the 11 y/o and the 8y/0 have both been before, but the 8 y/o was 2-3 at the time, and they went with their parents, who were still together at the time. None of the boys have behavioral problems. They are all normal healthy resonably behaved children. Not perfect, mind you, but "normal" boys. All 3 boys are rather bright, and they are all MIL's "biologicals." Yes, this is EX MIL and there is definitely some "strain" in the relationship, but in trying to be a good mom my friend allows her boys to spend time with their grandma (her parents have both passed on) Grandma has a tendency to be rather controlling and judgemental. (ie: the boys aren't "into" sports, so she buys them expensive sports equipment and then nags Mom because they don't use it)
But anyway, I feel kind of responsible because my kids, her kids, and MY sisters kids were all playing together and my nephew let it slip (okay, BRAGGED ) that he and his sister were going to WDW and that we were taking them and their mom (my sister) (now I could spend hours moaning about HER ex...but that is a whole different post! ) So, when the kids told grandma that my my kids and nephew and neice were going to WDW she said that she would take THEM. (by the way, the "telling of grandma happened on a day that the older boy went to Six Flags with a friend, so the younger ones may have jumped on this bandwagon out of envy) So here we are back at the beginning.
My friend is just afraid that if she says "all or none" and granny decides "none" then the younger 2 will blame the older one, since they have their hearts set on going, however it IS awfully cruel to leave the oldest out.
...and of course their dad is no help! His position is: "If she is paying I can't tell her how to spend her $$!" I personally would tell the old witch to go scratch...!
Thanks everyone for your input! I will definitely be sharing this with her!

 

[Zoemakes5]

Totally out there, but if all of you are going at the same time, could YOU bring the 11 y.o., if your friend paid you?
The whole situation just sounds wrong....but that might be a solution?
Personally, the choice would be easy for me.....son hurt or ex-MIL angry....not even a question. The other DS's should be able to understand it's not okay to leave someone out. If not, it's time that they do. If the mom wants to give them a "taste of it", then have her get everything all planned to take the 11 y.o. someplace the younger two want to go, but pretend they're going without the younger ones. Talk it up, get the younger ones really upset. At the end of it all (knowing it's a hoax from the beginning), when they're whining and crying about how it's not fair, stop, look at them squarely in the eye, and say, "Do you get it now? That's why you can't go to WDW w/grandma." Sometimes they have to "feel" it to be able to understand.
And, I can tell you from the perspective of being a child of a first marriage and subsequently treated VERY differently by my Dad's family than my half-brother, the person who I blame for the different treatment is my Dad who allowed it.

 

[Tink561]

no, no no! I wouldn't let her take them. Even at this point, if she were to agree to take the 11yo...no!

 

[3princesses+aprince]

Wow, that is terrible, especially to find out that they are all MIL's biological grandkids. Is she not thinking/caring about hurting the 11 year old.
I would NEVER allow 2 of my kids to go if the other one was told no. Nor would I try to convince MIL any further, because i'm sure if in the end she agreed to save arguments she would probably not treat the 11 year old the same as the others. And I would definately explain to the 2 younger kids why they cannot go, they are old enough to understand. Yes, they would still be upset they couldn't go, but I bet they would understand.

send this to the nasty MIL

 

[TinkNH]

I would tell her no at this point. I would rather have my kids angry at me than to have one left out. And personally i wouldnt trust her even if she said she would take the 11 yr old now too. What would she do buy mickey icecreams for tehe other 2 but not the oldest cause he has had one before? I mean really! and way to make a good strong relationship with your GS mil!

 

[disneyxxpanda]

That is so wrong... She sould take them all...

 

[ilovejack02]

It would be all or none in my house and i would explain to the younger ones the reason mom is saying no. The only way i would change my mind is if Granny is planning on doing something special with the oldest later.

 

[martyshoney]

That is just plain mean! There is no way I would let my kids do that. She will just have to explain to her other boys the situation and tell them they would not like it at all if they were the one being left out, would they?

 

[TheLittleRoo]

Another "NO" vote here. Good lord, that's a no-brainer in my book. It rankles my hackles when my MIL so much as signs a birthday card differently between my kids (DStepGS11, DGD4, and DGS18m to her) She routinely leaves out the XOXO on the cards to my son/her step grandson and it just sets me off for weeks...

But back to your friend's situation: In our family, we have a slogan from Ice Age. Two, really. 1) We move as a herd. 2) .... because it's what families do. We are big on teaching compassion for others, so that they can understand how important it is to look out for each other. I honestly don't even think you could tempt my 4.5 y/o daughter into a trip to WDW if it didn't include her big brother, 11. And the 11 y/o has such a soft spot for his sibs and is very tender-hearted, he couldn't enjoy himself knowing they weren't included.

Bottom line: I'd tell that MIL "no thanks" on the trip to WDW. Then I would proceed to tell her in the FUTURE, she needs to respect boundaries and speak with the mom directly BEFORE spouting off to the kids about her plans. AND that a baseline assumption for any plans with the kids is "all or nothing" which is an attitude fostered and encouraged in the home. The only exception to that would be if she wanted to spend a weekend with each child one-on-one and was planning three back to back weekends or some such plan your friend could explain to her kids in simple terms.

I would make a point too, to drive home the (lack of) compassion aspect of MILs behavior to the kids. They're old enough to understand how that would exclude and make the 11 y/o feel sad, and that is why no one is going to WDW. Like someone already said, it's too late for MIL to say now that the 11 y/o can go.... no way in God's green earth can you predict how she'd treat him on that trip. I'd be leery of her from here out, honestly.

 

[debbi801]

I would have to say no. There is no way I could do that to one of my kids. It is just cruel, no matter how you look at it. I have 3 kids (13, 11, and 4). While there are things I do with one kid and not the others, something like WDW is just too huge to single one out and tell him he can't go.

The only way I'd do it is if I could afford to take the 11 yr old myself so that he wasn't missing out on anything.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I totally agree with the previous posts, at this point say no thank you, not even giving her the option to say, "Fine, I'll take all three."

As for explaining it to all the boys, the younger of whom will probably be very disappointed, I'd ask each how he'd feel if the other two boys got to go and he didn't, would that be OK? Wouldn't that hurt his feelings? As a responsible parent, Mom shouldn't allow that to happen.

If they don't already know, I would NOT go into Mom's offer to pay for the 11yo to go, and Grandma's refusal. Grandma may be obtuse and misguided in inviting only the two boys (as opposed to being mean-spirited or having some problem with the oldest boy), but no sense in creating even more resentment in this situation.

And if the boys really want to go someday, it's a great way to start them thinking of how to save money for the trip! Have a garage sale and sell that unused, high-end sporting equipment! Get odd jobs with the neighbors, save up allowance money, whatever. Mom can put some money aside each month by reminding the boys when shopping, "We could get get this cool snack/object, or we could put the money in our Disney fund." (This doesn't work yet on my little ones, but it probably would with the older kids.) Check out the Budget section of the DIS for tips on how to save for your/her Disney fund!

I think reiterating to the boys that they are a family, a team, and that they can achieve the trip together as a team can only strengthen their bond.

 

[The Disney Bunch]

I don't know. I am torn- only because I have been in this siutation. We offered to take my sil's youngest daughter along with another niece was the same age. My sil said no because she said I had to take all 4 or none. We had planned to take another child the next year & so forth but she was so nasty about it we decided not to take any of the kids. So all the kids lost out. We just felt that we could not handle 5 kids by ourselves & since we were paying for it, we just wanted to keep it small.
There is going to come a time when each child is going to be offered something that the other kids will not. Are you going to say no each time? That is not fair either. Maybe the MIL has something else planned to do with the older child that she is not divulging yet. There has to be another reason why the MIL doesn't want to take the older child with her. If it was any other place other than Disney, would she allow the MIL to take the younger 2 & not the older one?

 

[disneynewbee]

No way no how. How do you explain to a child that his grandmother wants to take the two younger but not him. The child will think there is something wrong with him. I would tell her no way and I would explain why. I would also make sure she is aware that in the future she is not to mention to my children that she was taking them anywhere without clearing it with me first. It's one thing to take just one to a baseball game or to the park but a big vacation is a little different. Also in this case she is taking two and leaving one which leaves the child left to think there is something wrong with him. It is just unacceptable and I wouldn't even let her take all 3 at this point. When my nieces and nephews spend the night I do it one at a time because I already have 3 kids of my own and it is too chaotic with all of them but they all get a turn within the same wk or two. I would never offer to take just one of them to disney though, that is just not right.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

There is going to come a time when each child is going to be offered something that the other kids will not. Are you going to say no each time?

I think it's different when one child's friend invites him along camping or to some event and the others don't get to go. One wouldn't expect the other family to take all the siblings even though their child may be friends with only one of them. I agree that different opportunities will come to each child, but I think unless there is a legitimate, obvious reason why one child over another, it could cause too much hurt. By 'legitimate' I'm thinking there's a science fiction convention in town that one kid would dearly love to attend but the other could care less, or a basketball camp, something of particular appeal to one child.

By all means, if the older child didn't want to go and you feel he wouldn't have hurt feelings, by all means send the other two.

I also understand wanting to invite one sibling along for fun with your family. I would love to include my niece in some of our activities, but her older brother is too aggressive and undisciplined for me to handle them both plus my own two, so I don't make the offer. I think it would hurt my nephew's feelings to be excluded when his sister was included, and also tick off the ex-SIL, who is understandably sensitive about her son's behavioral issues.

 

[HopperFan]

I think kids need to learn early that everybody doesn't get everything and there are times that one will do something or get something special that he others may not......

BUT in this particular situation, a grandmother picking out two children over one is wrong. If this truly were a situation of her believing one had gone or she could only handle two, then the proper thing to do would have been to approach the mother and discuss it with her and see what they could work out. The way she handled it was inappropriate, rude and disrespectful. I would also be concerned about my children's safety on the trip if she hasn't the common sense to handle the situation any better or not act on impulse. What are her plans to take them to the bathroom ? Has she really thought about this trip in terms of being responsible for two young boys ?

I would politely tell her no. That this is a very special trip, and you would like your children to experience it together. Even if it took a few years to save up, I would do it and take them myself. My children always saved money to go each time, even selling things at garage sales, so make it a family effort. No child's feelings are worth it.

 

[badblackpug]

Thanks everyone!
I would take him myself but as I mentioned I am taking my sister and her kids and with us that would require another whole room. ...and he is a little older than our kids (my niece will be 8 at the time and will be the oldest) and the boys are really his brothers' friends, so I don't really think he would have anyone to "pal around" with. ...and we are going at different times.
My friend thinks that she will try to book something for late August 2007 (we are in the north so school doesn't start until early Sept.) and try to pay in installments so that everyone can go. They will just have to wait!

 

[disneyguy85]

This is a stinky situation..... It is a great gesture to take some of the boys, but I would think it would be unfair to the third. Perhaps you could pitch in, or suggest doing it another year when they can afford it?