Marrieds choosing not to have kids

[DisneyPhD]

I have three children and appreciate all of the wonderful moments as well as the sacrifices and pain that comes along with parenthood. I am also a social worker and can understand that some people do not want children at all. I think it takes a brave person to admit that children are not on their agenda and then embrace that. Society tends to expect babies from couples but it is clearly not the right decision for some. Having children is full time, gritty, wonderful, dirty, exhausting, exhilerating, work. I have not slept through the night since 1990 (when my first child was born). I worry about the things I do and don't do for my kids. I worry about their health, their happiness, their futures. To me, it is the best and most complicated thing I have ever done. To someone else, it might be maddening. I have seen people struggle with being unhappy parents and once that decision is made it it lifelong. So to those who just "know" that they don't want kids, consider yourselves lucky to have such forethought. At work, I deal with many parents who were not insightful enough to realize that. Enjoy and revel in your decision, life is too short to worry about what other people think about your choices.

Oh, I agree with the person who suggested the line "It is none of your business" That is quick and to the point!

I would have to agree with lookingforward, I too have seen many of people who really shouldn't became parent do so, with out good results (and sometimes with good results, many people will say becomeing a parent forced them to grow up when they never would of otherwise.) Also people trying to great pregnant when they aren't married or commited to the other parent, with no regards to how this will effect the child and their future.

So you know, once you have your 1st kid, it doesn't stop. It seems like right after you get home from the hosptial people are asking you when and if you are going to have more. Just like reasons not to have kids often come across os selfish, so does reasons not to have more.

I also think that many people with kids feel it is a lot like talking to say a 2nd grade boy who want's to know why anyone would ever want to kiss a girl, yuck. And you know right now that is just how they feel, but you know feelings can change as you do. (This is not true for all people, as you know not everyone wants kids, not every boy grows up to be want to kiss girls either!)

My best friend never thought she would get married. She did last month. Now at 32 she and her new husband are dealing with the mater if they ever want kids in the future. It is very possible she will not be able to get pregnant, but adoptions is something they are both willing to consider, IF they want kids. As my life gets more consumed by my children I must admit it makes our friendship harder, our days are full of very differnt things. Many couples find it hard when their friends start to have children and they don't. (and vice versa.)

 

[MomofKatie]

IMO, I think it all boils down to human nature. People are curious of anything that is different from their life experience. They question you because to them, you are "different", and why don't you want to do things like them?

DH and I were married 7 years before having DD, and we got questions all the time from friends, family, and strangers. "When are you going to have kids?", "Why don't you have kids yet?" and on and on.

Then, when we had DD, we started hearing the next question- "When are you going to have another?", or "Why don't you want another?" or "Don't you think your DD will be missing out without siblings?". Arrgh! BTW, DD is an only and perfectly happy about it- so are we.

My DB and DSIL have 3 kids, and they get questions like "Why did you have 3? You already had a girl and a boy- wasn't that enough?"

No matter what you decide, there will always be those who think your choice is wrong, and their way is best. Just keep your answers short, to the point, and change the subject. As TDCNala said it best, "None of your business".

 

[Jack Splat]

Krissalee, trust me, I feel your pain. I'm 33 and although I'm not married and haven't been yet, I too do not want kids, never have, never will. Despite not being married, I commonly get the same kind of questions you do, and like you, nobody seems satisfied with my answers which are similar/same as yours. I frankly find it disgusting that others can't respect the desires and views of those who choose not to have kids. It's just as easy, if not easier, to be judgmental and critical of those who do have kids, but yet, I naturally refrain, so it surely sucks that that respect is not reciprocated.

 

[lookingforward]

For another perspective, my first two children are boys. I did not have the third child until my boys were 6 and 8. For YEARS I would hear "are you going to try for a girl?????" Like somehow my family was incomplete without a girl. Tyring for a third child was a big decision and once we decided to try I lost a little boy in the second trimester and within weeks I got the "question" again. Once I got pregnant again (forth time) there was a USMC spouse I met at a pregnancy class we were "forced" to take even after having had kids. She and I were by far the oldest moms to be in the class. When I lost the baby she sent me a card. A few months later I saw her at the grocery store. She was VERY pregnant and I had just learned that I was pregnant again. She said (and I am not kidding) "You sure don't quit, do you?". I was speechless....for a moment..then I told her she should take a sensitivity class because she had none. Shut her up. By the way, that pregnancy was a success and SHE turns 7 in December. (I don't get the "are you going to have anymore" question now becuase, quite frankly, I am getting too old! : confused3 )

Good luck and much happiness to each and every one of you no matter what you desire!

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

i think it's smart that you choose not to have kids. you know you don't want them, so if you had them you would be unhappy. some people are just not meant to have kids/be parents and i think it's perfectly fine! don't worry about what other people say, it's not their lives! i think your answers are perfectly fine! and if they have more to say about it just say "it's our lives and this is what we choose and this is what makes us happy." good luck!

 

[mhf]

"We'll have children when we're ready but in the mean time, we practice a lot!"

I know, that's a rude answer but the question is too.

I, for one, will never be ready and neither will DH. We had the baby discussion before we married.

Married almost 20 years and headed to WDW for DH's 40th b-day!

MHF aw: aw: aw

PS to the ladies with children: In my humble opinion, it's just as rude to ask you if you'll have another or was this child planned.

 

[WillCAD]

Being a single guy, I don't get the kids question, but I cannot count the number of times I get asked "Do you have a girlfriend?" When I say no, almost everybody asks, "Why not?"

Nunya damn business, that's why.

I can understand and appreciate the idle curiosity that motivates people to ask me if I am seeing anybody, but if I'm not, my motivations for such are nobody's business but my own, unless I choose to share them with somebody.

I don't mind telling people, however, that I can't imagine myself as a father. I love kids, and I'm actually very good with kids, but having spent my entire life helping to care for my brother, cousins, and later thier kids, I am parented out. My patience is shot. If I'm ever lucky enough to find a woman with the angelic patience to actually mary me, I won't want any kids of my own.

Hehe, scared the heck out of my brother's wife the first time I held my neice, though - big, goofy-looking oaf like me holding her newborn. My mother saw the expression on her face and laughed, "Don't worry, he knows how to hold a baby just fine!"

 

[dixiegirl]

I am right there with you and completely understand. Dh is 42 and I am 35 - we have been married for 9 years now and everyone asks us about the children issue. I used to be very polite about my answers. Now - I just tell it like it is - don't want children, not having any - period. I do like the one suggestion though - just answer them with a question, "Why do you ask?" I am definitely gonna try that to see what answers I get. DH and I knew years before we were married that we did not want to have any children. Don't mind children - just prefer to not have any of our own. We have our kitty cat and she is enough for me.

 

[SparklieSunShine]

I don't think that not having children for any reason should be percieved as selfishness. In contrast I think making the decision that children are not for you is one of the most unselfish things that a person can do. I admire people who realise that raising a child is not for them and then stick to their plan.

Raising a child is hard work that lasts a life-time. I believe that if you doubt for a moment your want to have a child then you should wait a while. This is a hard world to live in and children should be wanted and nurtured. People who have children for the wrong reasons make me weary.

I admire those who choose not to have children.

As for me I would like to have children, but I don't know about conciously bringing one into our world. I would much rather adopt, but sadly that is very expensive. We shall see when the time comes.

Just my opinions.

 

[allaboutmm]

I have three children and appreciate all of the wonderful moments as well as the sacrifices and pain that comes along with parenthood. I am also a social worker and can understand that some people do not want children at all. I think it takes a brave person to admit that children are not on their agenda and then embrace that. Society tends to expect babies from couples but it is clearly not the right decision for some. Having children is full time, gritty, wonderful, dirty, exhausting, exhilerating, work. I have not slept through the night since 1990 (when my first child was born). I worry about the things I do and don't do for my kids. I worry about their health, their happiness, their futures. To me, it is the best and most complicated thing I have ever done. To someone else, it might be maddening. I have seen people struggle with being unhappy parents and once that decision is made it it lifelong. So to those who just "know" that they don't want kids, consider yourselves lucky to have such forethought. At work, I deal with many parents who were not insightful enough to realize that. Enjoy and revel in your decision, life is too short to worry about what other people think about your choices.

Oh, I agree with the person who suggested the line "It is none of your business" That is quick and to the point!

I couldn't have said it better myself!!! Great reply!

 

[NeverlandClub23]

My fiance is 29 and I'm 23, we're getting married in about a year and neither of us wants to have kids. I never have wanted to have kids. I don't like to babysit or really be around a lot of kids. I love our lives how they are and I look forward to so much for our future and kids are no where in that picture. I get annoyed too when everyone says "Oh! You'll change your minds! Kids are the greatest blessings!" or "How could you not share your life with the angelic joy of a child?" (Side note: What?!?! There's nothing "angelic" about any of the kids I've ever been around ) But besides that even if I had the greatest kid (and every parent thinks they have the greatest kid) it's just not what I want or need in life. That's just my opinion and how I want to live my life. I don't go up to a person I know with 5 kids and say "Oh! Why in the world would you want to have 5 of those?" so hopefully one day the questions will stop but if they don't oh well, it won't change how I feel.

 

[J.Cooper]

Love this thread!!

I've been married for almost 11 years. DH & I are in our mid 30's and we get asked all questions & comments all the time. Oh your selfish, you'll change your mind, whose gonna take care of you when your old, (blah, blah).. Lately my cousins are having kids and bugging us too. Sometimes I think they look at our childfree life and get envious. Once you have the baby, there's no "refunds". I'm proud to tell people who ask, I don't want kids. If they say I'm selfish, I just reply 100%! They are not gonna change my mind.

I feel people just don't respect our decision to be childfree. We decided before we got married that kids weren't on the agenda. We LOVE our freedom and childfree lifestyle. We get to travel when we want, especially going to Disney during off season . People are normally shocked when I tell them I don't want kids. We love kids and DH has plenty of nieces & nephews and we get to enjoy them; then send them back home to mommy & daddy . I'd rather be auntie than mommy. This works best for us.

 

[DeeDeeDis]

We have three very sweet sons who are growing into very nice young men. We were bless in that we must have done one or two things right in bringing them up (we're not quite sure what). They continue to be a great joy in our lives.

That said i will add that GOOD FOR YOU, if you dont want kids, dont have them. This is NO ONES business, be they close friends, family or complete strangers. You are the only one who must wake up every day with the choices you make so you have to do what is right for YOU.

When people ask just say NO. No explaination is needed or required. If they continue tell them that you have already answered that question, if they continue to impose their beliefs on you then just leave. you dont need to be rude if its family or friends just give them a hug and say goodbye - if u do this everytime they start, perhaps they would get the point that this is a closed subject.

Congrads for knowing what you want or in this case, don't want

 

[ChisJo]

Oh your selfish, you'll change your mind, whose gonna take care of you when your old, (blah, blah)..

Oh yes....The famous guilt trip. I think we've all heard this one before.

And by the way...How are you selfish for choosing not to have kids? This one always baffles me...

My best friend of many years, is actually terrified of children (I think hate would be a better word, but I don't think that is very nice). I don't know how she made it through her own childhood. She can't even be in the same room as children. We went to WDW last year together, and truthfully, she was having panic attacks in the parks. She just couldn't handle the amount of children around (it was my idea, by the way, to go to WDW - not hers!). Can you believe that people, friends of ours, still ask her, knowing her fear of children, when her and her husband are going to have children? It seriously blows my mind - she has been adement since before I can remember, that she was never going to have children. She doesn't keep that a secret either. She seriously has a list of the top 250 reasons why she shouldn't have kids - a written list. If you think I'm kidding, I'm not. The only reason she wants children is to have a baby shower and get free things. I think in her case, it would be more selfish to have the baby then to not.
We always joke that we are going to be the cat ladies when we're both 80 - 10 years we've been saying that and we still mean it.

Jo

 

[VSL]

I don't think it's selfish either way.

I just think it's rude that people (family members included) think that they have the right to ask such personal questions.

 

[Krissalee]

Thanks for all your replies. My family is aware that I don't want children, and they are fine with that - totally accepting - good thing I have 2 sisters that want kids! LOL!

I appreciate your responses of being more firm, and I plan to. Most of my questions come from co-workers, and I really can be more firm in my answers than I have before!

 

[dutchess 1968]

In my opinion you are two very very smart people.
There is nothing wrong with deciding not to have children.
I love my daughter dearly, BUT did it change my life..yes.
Do I have many sleepless nights wondering what the world is going to do to her, that I can not control...yes.
Do I worry about her every hour of the day that she is not with me...yes.

Believe me my biological clock wasn't ticking when I had my daughter..it was a complete surpise. I was told my whole life I would never accomplish such a feat. Hence, the earth crushing moment when my husband and I were told..you are expecting a child. (We were together 10 years).

An honest thought here...I never wanted children because I knew how much work they truly are. I am selfish and I knew what a responsbility they were..(trust me...how right I was on that assumption)that is the major reason I did not want any. She is here now, and you deal...its not like you can send them back once they are here.
So..good for you to realize that your relationship is what is important before a child shows up and fights begin over who gives up what.

You don't need children to enjoy Disney.
Just my thoughts..
I am sure hate mail will follow this post because I was so honest.

 

[donald...really]

No kids. No desire. No interest. No explanations. No apologies. No one ones business.

Just two wonderful dogs.

 

[PrincessKitty]

DH and I are both 50ish, have been together over 19 years, and are childfree (childless by choice). I love kids, and I'm a pediatric RN, but I never wanted to have kids. I had a friend in high school who was a foster child, and I've always felt I could foster or adopt if wanted children, so the option doesn't end with the end of fertility.

With my years of pediatric nursing experience, I must say there are MANY, MANY people who are not happy parents. Unfortunately, parenthood is the "default" in our society. You are not selfish for thinking through your choices carefully--the most selfish thing in the world is to give birth to children who are not particularly wanted.

I have also worked in geriatrics, and it is a fallacy to think that kids take care of their parents in old age. Some kids do (I cared for my mom and dad for a year, and my brother has had my mom for 3 years--our other 3 siblings will not have any part in caregiving), but many do not. People should not pop out kids with the idea that their children will care for them in their old age!

The one thing that is true about not having children is that you will be out of step with the majority of people your age. However, if you live in a big city or a college town, I think you will find this to be less of a problem. Personally, I don't NECESSARILY have a lot else in common with childfree folks--my closest friends all have children.

Have a fun life and don't worry about the questions people ask you--they are mostly just curious about you not choosing the "default."

 

[PrincessKitty]

P.S. A woman I used to work with, upon learning that DH and I had been together for several years without kids, said "WELL DON'T HAVE ANY." She and her DH had been together 10 years and had a child because "it seemed like what we were supposed to do next." She truly regretted having a child. Very few people can be that honest!