Lost and confused

[Ranzatan]

I wasn't really sure where to post this but I needed to hear advice and I wanted to remain anonymous so I didn't want to ask friends.


My SO and I have been together for almost 9 years, we're both in our late 40's.

He really has always had a terrible way of communicating and shows his emotions like sadness as anger. He has never been able to tell me how he feels about me in 9 years. But we've been a great couple and friends seem to
always think a lot of us together.

We've lived apart for most of those 9 years. He's had cold feet way too many times and really has commitment issues, although he's been married before for 7 years, but that went terrible and he lost his home, his daughter and most anything he owned.

So I've been understanding of him and could not think of the thought of separating even when that's always the first thing he wants to do in a fight.

Finally this year, in April, I moved into his home.

We put my house on the market together, had 2 garage sales to combine our 2 households and donated lots of other stuff and he's fixed things on my home so it was ready to sell. He moved most everything for me too.

For months he's been saying "This is YOUR home now too" and "This is OURS".

After an incident a week and about a half ago, where I went somewhere without him ( a winefest, wasn't even gone for more than 28 hours), because he backed out at the last minute (he'd been recovering from a foot surgery) I was mad and took my adult son. I came home he was upset too.

We slowly started getting back to normal when just Sunday, he said "Do
you think we're doing OK?" I asked him what he was talking about.
He said he thought that his feelings were just not there anymore (they had been just 2 weeks before that!) and that perhaps I could move back into my
home, which hasn't sold yet.

I'm flabergasted! I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm confused.

He seems serious (but then he's done this before but not on this scale).

I told him if I go that will be the end of everything. I will not go back after such a thing as this.

I've been looking into options, but what a mess.
I'm thinking of all the furniture I've sold, combined dishes, utensils, towels, etc even spices! This is crazy.

So now I'm thinking about moving everything (not much left) back home and we're done, but yesterday I thought, I could just stay awhile and see if he settles down, not to hurry up with my decision.

What would you do?

Thanks for any advice.

 

[3Gsandme]

I would start by seeing if he would agree to some couples therapy before either of you made any decisions. You say yourself that he shows his emotion as anger and if he's keeping things bottled up it's possible he's angry at you for leaving him after surgery. It may not be rational, but that may be the case.

I would ask that he give therapy with you a try (a month? two months?) and that if he felt the same way, you would move out a he wished but the relationship would be over with no hope of reconciliation.

Good luck!

 

[Christine]

I'll be brutally honest here.

Go back and read your entire post. Tell me what you would tell your son or daughter or best friend if you heard some of this.

I realize that no relationship is perfect--not everything is sunshine and roses every day. But this seems a little beyond that. This man seems emotionally stunted in some way and that doesn't get better without lots of individual work on the part of the person who wants to get better.

1. Nine year relationship--late 40s. At that amount of time and age, you should know whether to commit or not much sooner than this.

2. Terrible communicator; emotions such as sadness are demonstrated as anger.

3. After 9 years, can't tell you how he feels.

4. Any fight/argument leads him to want to separate.

5. You move in with him and when the first bad thing happens (which wasn't "bad" at all IMO), he wants to separate after you've made some big change.

There is no fixing this. Ask yourself if this is the way you want to spend your next 30-40 years on this planet. Who knows? Maybe it's better than NOT having a partner. I think I'd rather be alone. This doesn't sound like a relationship that builds you up are provides you with any stable happiness.


You ask what I would do: I would go back home, NOT sell my house. No way. And end it. This man doesn't want or can't handle a permanent relationship for whatever reason (at least without causing you a lot of grief and work).

 

[mommasita]

I totally agree with Christine..

I couldn't, and certainly wouldn't live this way. To be this is emotional abuse, he holds the cards , and at any time can just decide he plays them...

As much at will hurt, I would sever the ties and before my house sold go back to it.. It will hurt much less once and for all, than to be hurt time after time.. You will never have a chance at happiness.

These are my thoughts..

 

[Christine]

OP--I just wanted to add: I know my post sounds very "tough" and I stand by it. But I know it's easier said than done. If you choose not to take my advice, come back and talk. We are still here for you.

 

[Ranzatan]

Thanks all,
I know these things but somehow it is just better to hear someone else say them, especially people outside of the loop.


Thanks for being honest


Even writing the situation down stares me in the face.

 

[Ranzatan]

If you choose not to take my advice, come back and talk. We are still here for you.

That is really sweet, thank you really, it helps

 

[Waiting2goback]

I've been looking into options, but what a mess.
I'm thinking of all the furniture I've sold, combined dishes, utensils, towels, etc even spices! This is crazy.

So now I'm thinking about moving everything (not much left) back home and we're done, but yesterday I thought, I could just stay awhile and see if he settles down, not to hurry up with my decision.

What would you do?

Thanks for any advice.

At your age I would be done. I would spend my time looking for someone who wants to be with you and try to enjoy the rest of your life. It may be hard to do. It may suck that you sold all that stuff to move in with him. But, just think of how much worse it will suck if you stay, sell your house, and THEN he pulls this again. Then you have no stuff or no place to stay.

Try to reach a fair deal financially and go on your way. Someone in their 40's should be able to know what they want and commit to a relationship.

I am in a mess of a relationship right now myself. My wife told me she wanted a divorce last year at this time. It was hard at first but I now know she did me a favor. I kept fighting to save the relationship and I was doing all I could. I now realize she hasn't wanted to be in it for years. I could have been happier on my own or could have met someone else by now if I ended it sooner. It may seem hard for you right now but I feel confident you could do better. Don't waste any more time on someone who isn't sure he wants to be with you. Go find someone who wakes up every day and feels LUCKY to be with you. That's better!

Keep us posted and I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

[Ranzatan]

At your age I would be done. I would spend my time looking for someone who wants to be with you and try to enjoy the rest of your life. It may be hard to do. It may suck that you sold all that stuff to move in with him. But, just think of how much worse it will suck if you stay, sell your house, and THEN he pulls this again. Then you have no stuff or no place to stay.

Try to reach a fair deal financially and go on your way. Someone in their 40's should be able to know what they want and commit to a relationship.

I am in a mess of a relationship right now myself. My wife told me she wanted a divorce last year at this time. It was hard at first but I now know she did me a favor. I kept fighting to save the relationship and I was doing all I could. I now realize she hasn't wanted to be in it for years. I could have been happier on my own or could have met someone else by now if I ended it sooner. It may seem hard for you right now but I feel confident you could do better. Don't waste any more time on someone who isn't sure he wants to be with you. Go find someone who wakes up every day and feels LUCKY to be with you. That's better!

Keep us posted and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Thanks, I know it sucks and is hard to go. I just keep thinking that he's in some kind of depression since he's been out of work for almost 3 months from his foot surgery, so I was trying to be patient thinking of that.

It's embarrassing as hell too to move back in my home and tell the neighbors I'm back. Then there's all those people at work; we work in the same place.

I'm sorry to hear that you went through something similar. I hope it didn't involve children But it seems like you've moved on and are OK in just a year. Some people mourn forever, so good for you.

I guess I've never had the luck of having one of those relationships you speak of where someone feels lucky to have me. I'm one of those co-dependent people I guess or else my self-esteem has been that low

I was happier when alone for 8 years, when I'd sworn off men forever, I thought. But then I met this one and had decided to try again. Because who really wants to think of their future alone. I mean, I'm never afraid to be alone, I actually enjoy my time alone but the journey into retirement but be more fun with a partner, not too mention cheaper too as expenses are shared.

Thanks again for your helpful thoughts

 

[Christine]

I guess I've never had the luck of having one of those relationships you speak of where someone feels lucky to have me. I'm one of those co-dependent people I guess or else my self-esteem has been that low

I was happier when alone for 8 years, when I'd sworn off men forever, I thought. But then I met this one and had decided to try again. Because who really wants to think of their future alone. I mean, I'm never afraid to be alone, I actually enjoy my time alone but the journey into retirement but be more fun with a partner, not too mention cheaper too as expenses are shared.

Thanks again for your helpful thoughts

I think everyone feels that way--no one wants to be alone but you do have to ask if that feeling is keeping you in a relationship that isn't right. And I'm also sure that there are probably really good parts to your relationship and that makes it more difficult.

I've also never found anyone who feels "LUCKY" to be with me!! I don't think I wired to be attracted to people who fall all over me. I always tend to be attracted to independent (and maybe a little selfish) types. It's important, though, to know where to draw the line as to how much is too much and how much angst you should have to take from the other person.

 

[Ranzatan]

I think everyone feels that way--no one wants to be alone but you do have to ask if that feeling is keeping you in a relationship that isn't right. And I'm also sure that there are probably really good parts to your relationship and that makes it more difficult.

I've also never found anyone who feels "LUCKY" to be with me!! I don't think I wired to be attracted to people who fall all over me. I always tend to be attracted to independent (and maybe a little selfish) types. It's important, though, to know where to draw the line as to how much is too much and how much angst you should have to take from the other person.

Believe me that I would never just be with someone just because I didn't want to be alone. I've counseled others about that....mostly my mother, who married a real winner but I certainly wouldn't.

My, SO has many good qualities, but actual commitment (although he would never cheat) and communication are two he's bad at. The handiest guy- would complete any honey-do list happily in one day and the really funny guy at get-togethers, he tackles everything with enthusiasm.

But I do know that it really would be nice to be with someone with no issues (is there really anyone like that.... especially at my age?) who could talk about their feelings and want to totally commit to me. It all sounds like a fairy tale and not real life and that must be why I love Disney so much because that's where there's always a happy ending

I'm sorry you haven't found that yet either.
Maybe someday for us both

And Christine, I love your tagline about being on the couch for a few days and doing nothing but reading a good book! I'm with you on that!

 

[Christine]

Believe me that I would never just be with someone just because I didn't want to be alone. I've counseled others about that....mostly my mother, who married a real winner but I certainly wouldn't.

My, SO has many good qualities, but actual commitment (although he would never cheat) and communication are two he's bad at. The handiest guy- would complete any honey-do list happily in one day and the really funny guy at get-togethers, he tackles everything with enthusiasm.

But I do know that it really would be nice to be with someone with no issues (is there really anyone like that.... especially at my age?) who could talk about their feelings and want to totally commit to me. It all sounds like a fairy tale and not real life and that must be why I love Disney so much because that's where there's always a happy ending

I'm sorry you haven't found that yet either.
Maybe someday for us both

And Christine, I love your tagline about being on the couch for a few days and doing nothing but reading a good book! I'm with you on that!

HA!! I've had that tag for so long and, guess what? I haven't change.

As to the other stuff, no, no one is issue-free. There will always be something. The key is, with that issue, how much of it should you put up with.

The commitment thing is actually kind of common with men and they often have to be pushed at some point and then they are fine. But, I'm only concerned that you guys did sort of push it and he still can't quite get there. It's just a LOT of risk for you and I'm not sure I would continue on because these little baby steps don't appear to be making things easier for him.

 

[Ranzatan]

HA!! I've had that tag for so long and, guess what? I haven't change.

As to the other stuff, no, no one is issue-free. There will always be something. The key is, with that issue, how much of it should you put up with.

The commitment thing is actually kind of common with men and they often have to be pushed at some point and then they are fine. But, I'm only concerned that you guys did sort of push it and he still can't quite get there. It's just a LOT of risk for you and I'm not sure I would continue on because these little baby steps don't appear to be making things easier for him.

Yes, you are right on the issue thing and also correct that it's still taking him so long, I know what I should do, now I just have to ...... that's the hard part.

Thanks for all your help

 

[Waiting2goback]

I am 41 years old, so not much younger than you. I have my issues but commitment and communicating are not two of them. I love being married. I have been a stay-at-home dad for the last 7 years and I have 4 kids. My point in telling you this is to let you know that there are guys out there who want the same things you want. There are guys who want to be married. I love coming home to someone every night. I just want that person to not be controlling, and angry, and actually care about my life as opposed to it all being about her. Does such a woman exsist?

I am a bit concerned about the future too. I'm not officially divorced yet but when I do, am I going to be able to find someone who can deal with my "issues" (since we all have them) and also the fact I have 4 kids? I stayed with my wife WAY longer than I should have because I was afraid to be alone. Now I know I will be fine. Afterall, I take care of the kids with no help from her. I have worked in the past so I know I can do that. I finally got a new job and they will pay for me to finish my MBA. The only thing I am losing when she walks out the door is the battles I had to have just to get basic needs met, like a hug or an "I Love You".

I think you know you deserve better. I think you need to worry more about you than what your neighbors might think when you move back to your house. Who cares what they think. They probably have stuff going on in their lives too, everyone does.

My self-esteem began to improve when I read the book, Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning. Very eye-opening to learn how I allowed myself to be walked on all my life. Might be worth a read to you if you realize you have low self-esteem. I'm not saying I don't still have self-esteem issues (one of my issues) but it is drastically improved.

I hope you can find peace with your decision. He may be a great guy, but it doesn't mean he is the right guy for YOU. Sorry if I am all over the place with this response. My mind is racing and my fingers can't keep up.

 

[Ranzatan]

I am 41 years old, so not much younger than you. I have my issues but commitment and communicating are not two of them. I love being married. I have been a stay-at-home dad for the last 7 years and I have 4 kids. My point in telling you this is to let you know that there are guys out there who want the same things you want. There are guys who want to be married. I love coming home to someone every night. I just want that person to not be controlling, and angry, and actually care about my life as opposed to it all being about her. Does such a woman exsist?

I am a bit concerned about the future too. I'm not officially divorced yet but when I do, am I going to be able to find someone who can deal with my "issues" (since we all have them) and also the fact I have 4 kids? I stayed with my wife WAY longer than I should have because I was afraid to be alone. Now I know I will be fine. Afterall, I take care of the kids with no help from her. I have worked in the past so I know I can do that. I finally got a new job and they will pay for me to finish my MBA. The only thing I am losing when she walks out the door is the battles I had to have just to get basic needs met, like a hug or an "I Love You".

I think you know you deserve better. I think you need to worry more about you than what your neighbors might think when you move back to your house. Who cares what they think. They probably have stuff going on in their lives too, everyone does.

My self-esteem began to improve when I read the book, Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning. Very eye-opening to learn how I allowed myself to be walked on all my life. Might be worth a read to you if you realize you have low self-esteem. I'm not saying I don't still have self-esteem issues (one of my issues) but it is drastically improved.

I hope you can find peace with your decision. He may be a great guy, but it doesn't mean he is the right guy for YOU. Sorry if I am all over the place with this response. My mind is racing and my fingers can't keep up.

Thank you very much for your thoughts.

Especially for reading them this morning as I went back and slept at my own home late last night after having another conversation with him, very sad, and just realizing that he sounded done. I just didn't even want to sleep at his house anymore. So here I slept with no bed on my floor on a bunch of comforters.

So sad to hear him say many good things about me but then a few things I know weren't good but things I had no control over....like being ADHD.
There were things he said he wasn't getting that he wanted in a relationship and after trying for 9 years he knew it wasn't going anywhere and he said he thought he could never marry me.

Lots of truths, but also some ******** that I called him on to say he had a lot of growing up to do and to realized that everyone has something wrong here or there and he'd never find his perfection. I told him he needed his own introspection, something I have that he doesn't, because he can't see how he can be, only other peoples faults and that I'd bet he'd probably never be happy in a relationship.

I wish I could fix my issues, but they seem so minor, to me anyway. But then I know that someone else will find me OK and maybe I'll have that great relationship some time.

I'm sorry for your loss too. It has to be hard raising 4 kids alone! I did it for all but one of my son's years and that was tough and also very lonely.

Awesome news that some company will pay for you to finish your degree too! Lucky you!

I am going to look up that self esteem book you mentioned. I know i could stand to read that one.

Thanks

 

[Waiting2goback]

I know how hard it must have been to go back home, especially after hearing all of the things he had to say about you.

Here's the thing. So many times I said I wished I could change so many things about myself. Why? Because I thought it would make her happy and love me more. Now I know how stupid I was for thinking that. I could bore you to tears with all the crap she has said to me or about me in the last 2 years. It was all hurtful and she did it on purpose to hurt me. This is who I was changing for????? REALLY?

She told me I would never amount to more than being a custodian. Keep in mind I have a bachelor's degree and 1/2 way through an MBA. I also supported her while she went to school for her masters. I was good enough then but now I'm not?

Last summer I was bummed out. I haven't seen my friends much for the last couple of years. She kept telling me it was my fault, people don't want to be around me, etc... Of course this made me feel worse. Well, I saw my friend (of 27 years this month) over the summer. He doesn't know about the divorce yet so he didn't tell me this because of that news. But, he said the reason we don't see them much any more is because of my "wife". He and his wife said she is just to negative and they can't stand being around her.

My point in sharing these stories is to show you that maybe you have no reason to change. Maybe your biggest issue is the company you keep, meaning him. Maybe you feel so badly about yourself because he tears you down like my wife has done to me all these years. Maybe him saying these things and being done is the best thing that has ever happened to you. Maybe there is a great guy right around the corner that you would pass by if you were still in this relationship and now that you are free you will be open to seeing him.

I am still mad at myself everyday for not seeing how miserable and negative she has been. I see it now as I look back on things. All I can do it accept that I can't change the past but I can be happy that I got out as early as I did so I can still enjoy my life. Life is just starting now for me.

You aren't much older than me. You have plenty of life to live. Start living it. Accept that you are a good person. Who cares if you have ADHD (if I understood your post correctly). There are many worse things to have. Read that book I mentioned. In the first 2 chapters there is an exercise that ACTUALLY WORKS if you do it. It's called an accurate self assessment. You describe yourself from head to toe and then it teaches you how to do it in a more productive manner. Then you read it to yourself twice a day for 3 weeks (I think it was 3, might only be 2). For example, my first line was, "I'm fat". After rewriting it I said, "I have 40 lbs to lose" They both the same thing but one makes you feel worse about yourself as you repeat it everyday to yourself. The other gives you a goal to work toward. I took up running, signed up for a runDisney race that I will be running in 2 weeks. I am down 30 lbs so far since December and I increased my goal to 60 lbs instead of just 40. I want to get ripped. All because I had an actual goal to work toward. I can't work toward, "I'm fat!"

I read it everyday like I was supposed to and I no longer say bad stuff about myself. Usually this stuff doesn't work but this did. If you decide to do it, send it to me and I'll help you write it if you need the help.

As far as being lonely, I feel less lonely now that I have the past 5 years in this marriage. I feel good about myself for the first time in my life. I know I am going to bed alone tonight. I have nobody to hug or give a good night kiss to. I have nobody to talk to about my day. But, when I did, all she did was reject me and talk about herself. I felt so much more lonely before.

IT IS ALL ABOUT HOW YOU VIEW THINGS! Change your thinking and change your view of your life. If you ever want to PM me to take it off this forum, feel free. I know how hard it is to not have someone to talk to. I will help any way I can.

Sorry it is so long. Hopefully I'm not boring you.

 

[Yellowstonetim]

You are wonderful, beautiful, and WORTH someone who will love you and commit to you. Move back home and see what happens. Don't worry about the stuff sold, that is an inconvenience, but not near as important as you being in a healthy, happy, relationship.

There are people out there that will love you properly with kindness and commitment. AS YOU ARE.

You have to put up with imperfections in the other person, but they have to put up with you as you are, too. Love does that. My wife and I have been married almost 31 years. We have a sign: "We don't have it all together, but together we have it all." That is so true. We both are imperfect. (She puts up with A LOT!) But we love each other, are committed and find ways to show each other kindness. If you don't have these things. Get out. It isn't you, it is the relationship itself that may be flawed.

Remember, you are worth finding someone that will really love you.

I know free advice is worth every penny you pay for it. And decisions are truly more difficulty then they may seem to others when we don't see but a tiny portion of all you have been through. You have to make the final decision. I don't know your faith, but I would say, trust in God.

I will be praying for you.

 

[ronandannette]

Thanks, I know it sucks and is hard to go. I just keep thinking that he's in some kind of depression since he's been out of work for almost 3 months from his foot surgery, so I was trying to be patient thinking of that.

It's embarrassing as hell too to move back in my home and tell the neighbors I'm back. Then there's all those people at work; we work in the same place.

I'm sorry to hear that you went through something similar. I hope it didn't involve children But it seems like you've moved on and are OK in just a year. Some people mourn forever, so good for you.

I guess I've never had the luck of having one of those relationships you speak of where someone feels lucky to have me. I'm one of those co-dependent people I guess or else my self-esteem has been that low

I was happier when alone for 8 years, when I'd sworn off men forever, I thought. But then I met this one and had decided to try again. Because who really wants to think of their future alone. I mean, I'm never afraid to be alone, I actually enjoy my time alone but the journey into retirement but be more fun with a partner, not too mention cheaper too as expenses are shared.

Thanks again for your helpful thoughts

Maybe that's how you see yourself, or maybe even how you have become but surely it's not how you want to be. Codependency is a behaviour not a personality trait. I really liked momasita's comment about what you would say to a loved one in a similar situation.

Maybe you'll meet somebody else and have a more fulfilling relationship and maybe you won't. Nobody knows what the future holds but either scenario sounds better than what you have right now. You could likely limp this thing along for another 9 years but you know it wouldn't be good enough. (Take Waiting2GoBack's story to heart.)

My bold suggestion is that you move forward with selling your house and use the proceeds to finance a fresh start, up to and including relocating and getting a new job. (I agree that a shared workplace will be awkward.) 40-something isn't 60-something; you have many years left to reshape your life into something more satisfying. And to expand on Yellowstonetim's thought, you are a precious child created in His image - grab onto that, not some view of you determined by another person who's vision is clouded by his own brokenness.

Best wishes.

 

[Cee]

Run for your life.

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