Loaning money to family members

[SpaceGirl]

These family members have paid back previous loans, but when they are late with their loan payments, we have to ask. We hate that feeling.

Do you loan money to relatives? And if you don't, how did you handle refusing loan requests? Did it damage relationships?

Yes I believe that people are more important then money. If a family member needs help I will try to help, one of my sisters is a single mom she has no backup.

So when I found out she was going to one of those payday loan sharks places I stepped in. She isn't great with money but works and makes good money, after her X stopped paying any child support she was just a few hundred dollars off each month and got behind, then she tried to catch up using the Loan Sharks. She has always paid me back but she sometimes is late (I hate having to ask) when she is I just send her a text as a reminder.

I never loan money unless I think of it as a gift if things don't work out.

I would try and never let it effect my relationship.

 

[manning]

My wife lent a small amount of money to a nephew with the promise to pay it back. Over my objection. Told her she will never get it back. Sure enough. The second time he asked her I informed him no.

Many years we thought he learned his lesson as he never asked again, until grandma died. All of a sudden he starts kissing up to my wife and somewhat to me. It was then we figured out he was hitting grandma for money.

We informed him we are retired and if we are going to take care of anyone it will be us and don't bother to ask again.

To different degrees her nieces and nephews are self centered. One niece thought she could convince us to co-sign a mortgage...yeah right.

 

[eliza61]

Not to be nit picky but money is to be hoarded by those who have it so when the day comes that they need it they have it. Things like an accident, job lose or they simply want to take a vacation or god forbid retire.


Sorry but I shall hoard my money as it is mine.

It's a balancing act. My husband hoarded money and then died at 55. I no longer am buying into the save save save for the raining day.

Anyhoo,

I am selective to which family members I give to. I don't do loans, I believe every one hits a rough road in their life and a helping hand is not a sin. I also have family members who's life styles shall we say are different from mine.
They get a no.

Op, I think you should say no simply because you say it causes you and your dh stress. Life is stressful enough simply with the things you can't control.

when my dh and I were first married the row of townhomes we lived in caught on fire. Thank the good lord my father did not harbor the attitude of never lending money to family members. Yes we should have been dis perfect and had an emergency fund but that was not the case. About halfway through us paying him back he sent us a Christmas card saying "santa" had paid back the remaining amount. It was the difference between us bouncing back on our feet quickly or struggling for decades.

I try to live by his example.

 

[Art 1]

It's a balancing act. My husband hoarded money and then died at 55. I no longer am buying into the save save save for the raining day.

Anyhoo,

I am selective to which family members I give to. I don't do loans, I believe every one hits a rough road in their life and a helping hand is not a sin. I also have family members who's life styles shall we say are different from mine.
They get a no.

Op, I think you should say no simply because you say it causes you and your dh stress. Life is stressful enough simply with the things you can't control.

when my dh and I were first married the row of townhomes we lived in caught on fire. Thank the good lord my father did not harbor the attitude of never lending money to family members. Yes we should have been dis perfect and had an emergency fund but that was not the case. About halfway through us paying him back he sent us a Christmas card saying "santa" had paid back the remaining amount. It was the difference between us bouncing back on our feet quickly or struggling for decades.

I try to live by his example.

Sounds like a nice family.

 

[LilyWDW]

I do not lend money. If I have any extra money to give, then I might help someone depending on the situation. I do not expect the money back. Even then, there are members of my family who I will NEVER give a penny to. When I can't be sure if my money will be spent on a need or on drugs then it is a different story.

However, I will not give money unless I feel comfortable in my savings to do so. Too many things can happen and I do not believe I should put myself in possible danger to help another.

 

[eliza61]

Sounds like a nice family.

LOL, the more I read here, the more I fall down on my knees in gratitude.

When I lost my dh to cancer, I was a walking zombie for a good two months. I could barely get out of bed, let alone think about mortgage payments and college tuition.
I have an aunt who is an attorney, and unbeknownst to me, she stepped in, paid my mortgage for the next two months and my siblings stepped up and got my sons college tuition to the tune of 12K. THEY DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME|| Finally about the third month I realized that I had not given thought to these issues and started wondering why I wasn't getting nastygrams in the mail.

When the dusk finally cleared and I found out who did what, my aunt simply shrugged her shoulders and said "your my niece, if I got- you got".

As I said, I have tremendous shoes to fill.

I have a cousin who is a single mom to three kids. Next year our family reunion is in Charleston SC, she lives in Mesa Arizona. It would be a real financial hardship for her to fly 4 people out to SC but you know what, she's family, I love her and the reunion is important. so yep, we'll find a way to make it happen for her.

 

[Disney Doll]

If I loan money I consider it a gift.
If it gets paid back, great.
If it doesn't, then it was a gift.

Who I will lend money to depends on the circumstances.
I won't lend money to people who I consider to be financially irresponsible. You know...the ones who call to borrow $$ because they can't pay their electric bill but then post the picture of the FABULOUS $300 Coach bag they just bought.

If people keep coming to the well? The well runs dry. If I loaned you money once and never got it back, chances are I won't loan you money again because you have proven to be poor at money management and me giving you money repeatedly isn't going to change that.

Catastrophic event? Yes, I will help to the best of my ability.

 

[aprilgail2]

Its never come up with distant relatives but I would always lend money to my siblings! I wouldn't loan it to my parents if they needed it, I would give it to them- I would never expect them to pay back it!

 

[Disney Doll]

LOL, the more I read here, the more I fall down on my knees in gratitude.

When I lost my dh to cancer, I was a walking zombie for a good two months. I could barely get out of bed, let alone think about mortgage payments and college tuition.
I have an aunt who is an attorney, and unbeknownst to me, she stepped in, paid my mortgage for the next two months and my siblings stepped up and got my sons college tuition to the tune of 12K. THEY DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME|| Finally about the third month I realized that I had not given thought to these issues and started wondering why I wasn't getting nastygrams in the mail.

When the dusk finally cleared and I found out who did what, my aunt simply shrugged her shoulders and said "your my niece, if I got- you got".

As I said, I have tremendous shoes to fill.

I don't really think anyone here is saying anything different.

Most have said if there is a problem, they would help.
Most have said that if they had extra money to loan they'd loan it.
MOst have said that they might not loan money to a loser relative.


Similar to your aunt:
You're not a loser.
You were in the midst of a catastrophic event with the death of your husband.
Your aunt had the financial wherewithal to help you so she did.

If she didn't have the financial wherewithal to help you without endangering her own financial situation, I doubt she would have.

She probably would have had to figure something else out....

 

[lisaviolet]

LOL, the more I read here, the more I fall down on my knees in gratitude.

When I lost my dh to cancer, I was a walking zombie for a good two months. I could barely get out of bed, let alone think about mortgage payments and college tuition.
I have an aunt who is an attorney, and unbeknownst to me, she stepped in, paid my mortgage for the next two months and my siblings stepped up and got my sons college tuition to the tune of 12K. THEY DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME|| Finally about the third month I realized that I had not given thought to these issues and started wondering why I wasn't getting nastygrams in the mail.

When the dusk finally cleared and I found out who did what, my aunt simply shrugged her shoulders and said "your my niece, if I got- you got".

As I said, I have tremendous shoes to fill.

That was absolutely beautiful to read, Eliza. Really touched me. May we all fill such shoes. Truly.

As for your husband - sighing - I think about him/you both a lot of times when I see your postings. I'm rambling as usual but wanted to tell you that.

 

[DVC-Don]

I do not. My wife however does and most of the time we never get the money back. She feels "guilty" having money where her brothers are always flirting with bankruptcy. They are suckers for "get rich quick" schemes. She says next time she'll say no, but I bet she caves.

 

[lisaviolet]

LOL, the more I read here, the more I fall down on my knees in gratitude.

Disney Doll, I thought that Eliza wasn't talking about this thread and family and choices. I thought *here* meant the disboards/CB. That she was grateful about hers in general because there are a myriad of threads on the disboards/CB every week about "My family is this...." My parents are that....". And to see all that makes her grateful for what she has in front of her.

Heck, my family is far from perfect. And even in a major disagreement I'm grateful to feel the love for mine in comparison to what goes on here.

 

[eliza61]

Disney Doll, I thought that Eliza wasn't talking about this thread and family. I thought she was grateful about hers in general because there are a myriad of threads on the disboards every week about "My family is this...." My parents are that....". And to see all that makes her grateful for what she has in front of her.

Heck, my family is far from perfect. And even in a disagreement I'm grateful to feel the love for mine in comparison to what goes on here.

Thanks Lisa,

Sorry DD, I tend to go off on tangents when reading one comment or another. I apologize.

I think overall most folks here figure out what family members are let's say "moochers" and those who are genuinely in need.

That being said, I have had a few folks tell me..
"didn't your dh have life insurance" and "that's your fault for not having an emergency fund". I have shaken my head a time or two.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

A little background:
My DH and I are financially responsible people. It hasn't always been this way, especially for me. We paid for wedding, but started our marriage with debt, again, mostly from me.
The early years were a bit of a monetary struggle and stressful (my husband is pretty debt-adverse). We managed to claw our way out of debt and finally buy a cozy (read: small) starter home.
Now, 14 years later, we are in a better financial position. We recently sold our first home and bought a larger one. We are not wealthy by any means, but we budget and maintain a savings account, which we are trying to beef up in anticipation of buying a new roof next year.
We could probably be better with our budget and save a bit more, but we do OK.
Our current situation: We currently have two loans out to family members (one on DH's side, one on my side). This is not the first time we have loaned money to these particular family members.
I feel like we save and budget so we have money, which we then loan out to others who don't save and budget.
It is more stressful to my DH, but it is a bit stressful to me, also. I think my stress is ultimately due to it being about money. I have money, they don't have money. Aren't family members more important than money?
I know you shouldn't loan money out that you can't afford to lose, and if we never got paid back, we would be OK but it would certainly cause a rift in the family. These family members have paid back previous loans, but when they are late with their loan payments, we have to ask. We hate that feeling.
Do you loan money to relatives? And if you don't, how did you handle refusing loan requests? Did it damage relationships?

Aren't family members more important than money?

1) Depends on the family member and the need for the "loan".

2) In addition if it will cause a "rift" if the money is not paid back, then you ARE making family more important than money by saying NO.

Do you loan money to relatives? And if you don't, how did you handle refusing loan requests? Did it damage relationships?

1) I loan if we can afford it and it is something important.

2) If we do not/can not give a loan we say we cannot do it right now. No need to go into details. If someone has the nerve to question that we have it to loan to them, then I would probably never give that person a dime as long I live ever again.

3) I am not a person who gives a rats behind "if it will damage a relationship". If I say no and you are offended then piss off, lol.

Bottom line, people late on payments in which you have to ask will never get a "loan" again when they ask next time.

 

[lisaviolet]

A little background:
My DH and I are financially responsible people. It hasn't always been this way, especially for me. We paid for wedding, but started our marriage with debt, again, mostly from me.
The early years were a bit of a monetary struggle and stressful (my husband is pretty debt-adverse). We managed to claw our way out of debt and finally buy a cozy (read: small) starter home.
Now, 14 years later, we are in a better financial position. We recently sold our first home and bought a larger one. We are not wealthy by any means, but we budget and maintain a savings account, which we are trying to beef up in anticipation of buying a new roof next year.
We could probably be better with our budget and save a bit more, but we do OK.
Our current situation: We currently have two loans out to family members (one on DH's side, one on my side). This is not the first time we have loaned money to these particular family members.
I feel like we save and budget so we have money, which we then loan out to others who don't save and budget.
It is more stressful to my DH, but it is a bit stressful to me, also. I think my stress is ultimately due to it being about money. I have money, they don't have money. Aren't family members more important than money?
I know you shouldn't loan money out that you can't afford to lose, and if we never got paid back, we would be OK but it would certainly cause a rift in the family. These family members have paid back previous loans, but when they are late with their loan payments, we have to ask. We hate that feeling.
Do you loan money to relatives? And if you don't, how did you handle refusing loan requests? Did it damage relationships?

I think you have a lot of opinions.

I just wanted to add that good on you for working together to change your own financial situation. Must feel great.

 

[lisaviolet]

That being said, I have had a few folks tell me..
"didn't your dh have life insurance" and "that's your fault for not having an emergency fund". I have shaken my head a time or two.

It's such a special board at times. Sighing.

Thank goodness for the smiles added in other areas.

 

[Colleen27]

Hoarding=Saving=a BAD thing????

I sincerely disagree.

Moderation in all things, IMO. Saving can become hoarding when it comes to a point where you're living entirely for tomorrow or if there's no point where you can step back and realize you have enough.

 

[disney1990]

We only loan money if we can afford to NOT get it back. Otherwise, it could destroy a family relationship. We have loan to family members that have not repaid it and we have loan to family members that have. As long as we have no expectations, it seems to work out fine. We have also loaned money to close personal friends, with the same expectations. Friends seems to be better at paying it back though.

 

[beaucoup]

I don't loan money to family or friends. And I don't do business with family or friends -- business that is financially related -- like insurance for example.

Too many hard feelings if something goes wrong on either end. Not worth it.

I simply say "sorry, we don't mix business/money with family or friends. Ever. Period."

If you loan money once, they keep coming back for more. They don't learn to do a better job. Its an easy fix. We've witnessed it over & over. And when one source dries up, they just find another person to loan them money.

 

[deedeecee]

I think part of the problem is they do pay it back eventually. It's just that it never ends, and it will never end until they learn to be more responsible with their money.
I wish they were more approachable for help with their finances, but they aren't. My relative point blank told me she needed a loan, but she would continue to live her life the way she always has. The reason for her loan was really beyond her control, but if she had better savings, she would have been able to deal with the situation without asking me. (At that point, I should have said no, but I didn't. I want to help, but it just doesn't end.)
My husband's relative, they have things we don't have (for example, a house cleaner, Disney annual passes). Maybe if they didn't, they would have been able to weather this financial drought without needing our assistance.
Sigh. I want to be there for them, just like I think they would be there for me (if they could be). However, it is definitely not good for my marriage. I just think I am going to have to start saying no.
I wish this was easier!!!