Living with Mother-in-Law ... advice?

[DMickey28]

OP, a specific follow up here....

If you are moving, and your DH is concerned about some outstanding, but not super substantial outstanding debt.... And your income qualifies for a mortgage amount that is greater than what you need to take out on a new home....

SIMPLE, arrange it so that you are able to take funds from the move/mortgage and pay off that other debt... consolidate...

As has been said here....
We really see no valid financial or personal(health) reason that your MIL needs to be under your roof.

Is that possible? With the interest rate we will get that might make sense, I just didn't know it was possible.

 

[mickeyboat]

Is that possible? With the interest rate we will get that might make sense, I just didn't know it was possible.

You also have to remember that the home value will have to support the additional mortgage.

It seems like I read somewhere that you posted MIL is gifting you some money for the down payment (maybe I am thinking of another poster). I remember the bank asking us about that when we applied for our mortgage. I can't remember what effect it had on the process, but I believe it made a difference.

Do you think your DH is feeling obligated to move in your MIL because of this gift? You may want to reconsider accepting the gift if it comes with those kinds of strings, even if they aren't official strings.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, a specific follow up here....

If you are moving, and your DH is concerned about some outstanding, but not super substantial outstanding debt.... And your income qualifies for a mortgage amount that is greater than what you need to take out on a new home....

SIMPLE, arrange it so that you are able to take funds from the move/mortgage and pay off that other debt... consolidate...

As has been said here....
We really see no valid financial or personal(health) reason that your MIL needs to be under your roof.

Most financial advisers would not recommend taking a relatively small (if it can be paid off in 6-12 months, it is relatively small) amount of debt and rolling it into a 15 or 30 year mortgage. The interest you'd pay on that debt alone over 15-30 years would be astronomical.

Buy less house, take the money you don't spend on a house and pay down the debt, get MIL into a nice, less expensive apartment in your new, safer town and life goes on.

FTR, there is something to be said for certain areas in certain towns being more or less expensive based on a safety factor. And it may not have as much to do with MIL wanting to be "hoity-toity" by living in a more expensive place. In the city I grew up in, there are areas where the rent is less expensive, but they are areas that I would not be willing to live in due to fear for my personal safety and I am about as far from hoity toity as one person gets. But I am not going to live in a neighborhood where drive-by shootings occur on a weekly basis because I can get cheaper rents there....sorry.

In the town you all currently live in, that may be the case. In the town an hour north that you are looking in to, that may not be the case.

OP, your bigger problem seems to be your DH and his thought that this is the perfect solution without seeming to take into consideration your qualms and fears about it. I think you need to have the "come back to Jesus" talk with him and make sure he really understands your perspective. It doesn't sound like he does right now.

And keep in mind as you read all these posts that folks perspectives can be different based upon their different life experiences. Someone who gets along well with their parents or in-laws may be able to more easily "visualize" or at least understand your situation and its complexities. Someone who has a contentious relationship with their parents or in-laws cannot even entertain the thought of living with them and also cannot understand how anyone else could entertain the thought either. In-law threads always evoke some strong, nearly "visceral" responses from some people.

 

[denisenh]

maybe she can rent a 2 bedroom 2 bath condo with someone else in her situation? she is too young to live with her kids.

 

[MinnieFan]

Dear OP - I have a lot of experience with this - my DS was a toddler like yours when my MIL moved in with us, and he is now about to leave for college. We've been doing this for the past 16 years, and I have learned a few things in those years (disclaimer - I realize that not everyone's experience will be the same, but apparently some of the posters have had similar experiences to ours):

1. Your relationship with your MIL will change when you are both living under the same roof. I had a great relationship with my MIL before she lived with us - but as soon as she moved in, in her eyes I was an incompetent wife, mother, cook etc - nothing I did was up to her standards.

2. The older woman will be the dominant woman in the household. As a friend of ours likes to say, "You can't have two queens in the same castle." My DH is very supportive of me, but she treats him like a 5-year old too.

3. If your DH's siblings are not involved now, don't expect them to be involved when MIL is older and may have greater medical/financial needs. My DH has 3 siblings, but when it comes to his mother's needs he is an only child. I am very thankful for DH's one sister who will take MIL for a couple of weeks a year so that we can go on vacation with just "our" family. That is the only thing that saves our sanity.

4. Your MIL is only 60 years old. You could easily be looking at a 30 year commitment here. You have to ask yourself honestly if that is something you can agree to.

5. You will be giving up a significant portion of your life (by this I mean not only you personally, but your life as a nuclear family) for your MIL's life. Every decision you make will be influenced by the fact that you have another person living in your house - and this will be true even if you buy a house like ours that has a separate apartment for MIL. My MIL is very "needy" - she relies on us not only for her financial support, but for all of her emotional needs as well. We cannot see friends without her being included, we cannot even go out to dinner or a movie by ourselves. She becomes incensed if any of our friends invite us anywhere without inviting her. Now that she is much older and has some mobility issues, and therefore cannot easily go everywhere that she used to go, she expects us to forego any event that she is unable to attend.

6. You will have no privacy, either as an individual, as a parent or a married couple. God bless the MIL who posted to say that she does not interfere in the parental decisions of her daughter and SIL - I wish my MIL could take a few lessons from her.

7. I strongly agree that we have an obligation to make sure that our parents are well taken care of as they age. This does not mean, however, that they must live in our homes to accomplish this. Both my DH and I agree that, if we knew 16 years ago what we know now, a senior residence close to where we live would have been a much better solution for all involved. That way, MIL would have had family close by to visit her, to take her places, and to see to her needs, but she would have had the opportunity to make friends and establish a life of her own instead of always expecting us to provide her social contacts.

You and your DH have to reach the decision that is best for you, but I wanted to give you some things to think about. This is not a decision to be taken lightly, as it will affect your family life for years to come.

Best wishes to you with your decision, and with your new baby!

 

[ksjayhawks]

So what is the decision on mil moving in? You have a new thread on how to know if a house is the one for you.

Don't keep us in suspence? Have you and dh had a talk? What were the results?

 

[shortbun]

My cousin is 58 and on SSD. I found him a great apartment with a garage right across-2bdr/1bath and washer dryer in the unit included for $660 a month. It took a while(about a month) because he needed a walk in(no steps) due to his disability. He has a very part time job for a little extra cash and he's actually putting money IN the bank. His apartment complex is full of single women and it's very safe.

You AND your MIL are both young to be settling into this arrangement. I'd be putting my energies into figuring out how to keep her in her own housing. You are at risk for having your younger BIL moving in as well and the smoking thing would/should be a deal breaker for both you and your DH. He should be thinking about his small children. Even in a double-smoke comes from one unit into the other.

I've been looking for a house with two master suites-one at either end. I've been looking for anything that would come close to this as we have a teen ager and possibly some day down the road my husband's parents may need a place to live but I'm looking far into the future and they are mid 70's right now. We are intentionally looking for a ranch because of arthritis we are both experiencing but it would suit having in-laws in residence as well. These kinds of homes are very tough to find where I am. We've looked at a couple large doubles with the idea that we would convert them while maintaining the 2nd outside entrance but we didn't come close to what we wanted.

Good luck. Listen to that little voice in your head and assert yourself with your husband. This is one of those times when he really needs to take your opinion into the mix as very important. Another solution is possible.