Let's Talk About Homework, or the Lack Thereof!

[badblackpug]

We have a month until school starts and the dreaded homework battle is to begin.

Let me preface this by saying, my oldest will be a fresman in high school. While she is a nice girl, and bright enough, she is lazy. She is notorious for half-as*ing everything. Not just school, but everything. (okay, mainly things she doesn't enjoy) But our main problem is with school. She would never do homework if she wasn't forced (and her grades reflect that) The teachers all say the same thing. Her grades would not be as poor as they are if she handed in her assignments on time, complete, or at all. In the earlier years she had an assignment book which we would sign, and the teacher would sign. Homework was rigorouly checked. (this has been an ongoing problem since 4th grade) In middle school (6th, 7th, 8th) there was no more assignment book, because the teachers believe at this age kids are old enought o be responsible for their own homework (they are right) sooo...it didn't get done. Or got done to the very most minimal of standards. So we got her password to her schools online blackboard, so we knew what assignments were expected in some of the classes (not all the teachers use it) an we asked for weekly updates via e-mail from the teachers, some were very good about it, some were not. Her grades improved, but as soon as we turned the responsibilty back to her, her grades plummeted, again. We have tried rewards, punishments, charts, talking to's, yelling at's, tutors, you name it. ...and none of it worked. We sent her to "homework club" 3x a week, in 7th & 8th grade (a thing where you do your homework supervised by teachers) and that helped some.

Now here we are in high school. I have explained to her that there will be no more hand-holding from the teachers, no more make up work, no more handing it in late for 1/2 credit. She is almost an adult now, and must act like one. I have also explained to her that there will be summer school if her grades aren't up to par. (her answer is, of course, "I know-oh-wuh!" )

My question to all you parents and teachers is what can I do. Honestly, my solution at this point is to say "you are on your own, sink or swim!" I am tired of fighting about this, and I truly think the only way she will learn is to sepnd the summer going to school (I made her aware that summer school rules are the same as regular school, rules, which means you are in the house on school days, period.)

The problem is...her father. We are very antagonistically divorced (long story) and I am remarried, and of course, everything that goes wrong is my fault. He is minimally involved. He is supposed to have her every other weekend and one night a week, although it has been years since he has done that. He sees her maybe 1-2 days a month. He constantly cancels, saying he "has to work." He does call her often, but his conversations are mostly nagging/scolding about school. He lives close by. He won't get on board my "sink or swim" mentality. He thinks that am "giving up" on her and that her childishness will adversely effect her future (it will) and that I should do all I can do to ensure her future, even if that means doing daily battle with her. (I have 3 other kids athat have schoolwork too, they are not his)

I firmly believe I am not the only parent that has homework issues, and I hope I can get some great advice from some parents and teachers that have "been there, done that."

HELP!

 

[deedeetoo]

I feel your pain.

My dd is the same way though she is only 10. I dread school starting again and the nightly homework fights. My dd is very smart but spacey and she has zero self motivation. I've been told that the teachers start giving them more responsibility for their own assignments this year (5th grade). I'm afraid she will come home and not have a clue what homework she has.

I will be watching this thread to see what advice you get.

 

[ksumn1]

Does your DD participate in any extra cirricular activities like cheerleading, basketball, or softball? If so, use that as leverage. I know that our local HS takes grades very seriously. If a student athlete does NOT keep up grades, they don't play. So teachers actively monitor and try to get help for those having problems. They are pretty good about it for very personal reasons. Would you want to be the teacher who flunks the star quarterback for a failing grade? Also, try limiting other activities outside of school if grades or homework is not done satisfactorily. She's old enough to take care of her school work and ultimately it's HER responsibility. Let her enhoy the 1st 9 weeks of school but if she gets a bad report card.....let the lockdown begin. No dates, football games, trips to the mall with her BFF UNTIL her grades come up. That's all the advice I have for ya. Good luck!!!!

 

[badblackpug]

Does your DD participate in any extra cirricular activities like cheerleading, basketball, or softball? If so, use that as leverage. I know that our local HS takes grades very seriously. If a student athlete does NOT keep up grades, they don't play. So teachers actively monitor and try to get help for those having problems. They are pretty good about it for very personal reasons. Would you want to be the teacher who flunks the star quarterback for a failing grade? Also, try limiting other activities outside of school if grades or homework is not done satisfactorily. She's old enough to take care of her school work and ultimately it's HER responsibility. Let her enhoy the 1st 9 weeks of school but if she gets a bad report card.....let the lockdown begin. No dates, football games, trips to the mall with her BFF UNTIL her grades come up. That's all the advice I have for ya. Good luck!!!!

No she does not participate in any extracurricular activites. Because...her grades don't meet the standards! Because...she doesn't do her homework! Our schools require an overall average of "C" or better to participate, and while she may have "'B's" in some classes, she has "F's" in others so she never quite makes the cut. The 1st marking period usually goes well because we go to WDW the 1st week in Nov. (and I threaten to leave her with her father for the trip!) After that, it is straight down hill. We have tried lockdown. We have tried media blackout. (no TV, phone, computer, radio, video games, we even took away Christmas gifts!) None of it ever seems to make a lasting effect. She will do her homework long enough to get off punishment, but then will let it slide again. Also, she does the barest minimum of everything. For instance, if you get a "D" for a 1 page report, and and "A" for a 5 page report, you can bet her report is 1 page long! ("It's not like I failed, or something!") If this were her best effort, I wouldn't be upset, but it is not.

We will continues "lockdown" and "blackout" if her grades are not up to par, but I really, really don't want to have the stress that daily arguments about homework cause, in my house. It effects everyone negatively.

 

[wife5080]

Do you double check her homework?

 

[badblackpug]

Do you double check her homework?

Yep. What I know about and what she brings home. I can't do much about assignments that are done in school. As I said earlier. In elementary, I knew exactly what was assigned and when it was due because of assignment books. Assignment books were pretty much standard for all kids. In middle, it was thought that kids were responsible for their own work, so no more standard assignment books. Some teachers used the online blackboard, so that was good, but some didn't, so we had to rely on her to write down the assignment. We tried to institute the book again, but some teachers were reluctant (homework is the child's responsibility) and most of the time she "forgot to write it down," "forgot to get it signed," "lost the book." The homework we see, and the homework that gets checked must be done to OUR standards (not minimum, basic) for instance we have made her re-write essays and reports. Also, her school has a reading program where you are required to read 20 mins a night and then at the end of the book take a test on the book to prove you read it. The longer and more difficult the book, the more points the student earns. Her choice was always easy books, below grade level. We made a deal with the librarian that she was only aloowed to check out books that were on, or above, her grade level. Also, if graded assignments come home with marks below a "C" we make her re-do them, whether she gets credit or not.

I am just truly dreading the stress and strife this causes the whole house.

 

[GaSleepingBeautyFan]

DS12 is the same way. He's smart but lazy.

I wanted him to have a cell phone this summer and he wanted one since all his friends have one.

So I bribed him. Terrible I know but it worked. I told him if he got all A's and B's the whole year, I would buy him a cell phone.

I was happily surprised when he studied on his own, did his homework with much less nagging and actually got A's and B's all school year. So I got him a cell phone and added him to our family plan.

Maybe there's something she really wants that you could use to get her to improve her grades? Or something that she already has that you could take away until her grades improve?

 

[abdmom]

My ds had similar issues in 5th grade. We discovered, after taking him to a child psychiatrist for possible depression, that he was ADHD. Who knew? An alert teacher a few months later in the first week of school, also picked up that he couldn't see the board from 8 feet away. Amazing what some medication could do to motivation and homework completion.

I would speak to your pediatrician - there may be more going on that just being lazy. As a former teacher, I don't believe that students are inherently lazy, some just haven't discovered what motivates them yet!

Also, given your dd's academic history, I wouldn't consider taking her to WDW. Plan on leaving her with her father or another trusted family friend. Sounds like she is not capable of catching up after missing school. High school is a whole 'nuther ball game. Even the best students often suffer from missing a week of school.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

DS12 is the same way. He's smart but lazy.

I wanted him to have a cell phone this summer and he wanted one since all his friends have one.

So I bribed him. Terrible I know but it worked. I told him if he got all A's and B's the whole year, I would buy him a cell phone.

I was happily surprised when he studied on his own, did his homework with much less nagging and actually got A's and B's all school year. So I got him a cell phone and added him to our family plan.

Maybe there's something she really wants that you could use to get her to improve her grades? Or something that she already has that you could take away until her grades improve?

It might just be me (and I only have a 2YO) but that doesn't seem so bad.. I would look at it as him working for what he really wanted, instead of bribing.

 

[badblackpug]

My ds had similar issues in 5th grade. We discovered, after taking him to a child psychiatrist for possible depression, that he was ADHD. Who knew? An alert teacher a few months later in the first week of school, also picked up that he couldn't see the board from 8 feet away. Amazing what some medication could do to motivation and homework completion.

I would speak to your pediatrician - there may be more going on that just being lazy. As a former teacher, I don't believe that students are inherently lazy, some just haven't discovered what motivates them yet!

Also, given your dd's academic history, I wouldn't consider taking her to WDW. Plan on leaving her with her father or another trusted family friend. Sounds like she is not capable of catching up after missing school. High school is a whole 'nuther ball game. Even the best students often suffer from missing a week of school.

She's been evaluated for ADD (I have ADD) and learning disorders, and the evals were all negative. I would NEVER take that chid out of school for any non-necessary circumstances. We live in NJ. There is no school the 1st week in Nov. (Jersey week) ...but she knows if her grades aren't up to par, she is not going anyway!

I guess I haven't found the right motivator yet. I am out of ideas, though!

 

[averysmom]

I don't have any magic solutions for your - I am a middle school teacher and if I could find a fix it for children who don't do homework, I'd be rich!

I have tried everything - including CALLING children at home everyday with their assignments, emailing daily with parents, packing backpacks, faxing assignments, emailing assignments, having parents drop off late assignments at my home, the day before report cards, so I could mark it in time to count it towards their grades - you name it, I've done it.

Does any of this work??? Maybe in the short term - but not long term because the kids aren't making any changes - it's like taking those diet shakes - yes you lose weight when you are drinking them, but as soon as you stop taking them, and go back to eating the way you did before, you gain all the weight back, kwim? They aren't making any changes to their behaviour.

Here's what has worked for some students.

1. Make a study / homwork time / space. A quiet room, with a desk and supplies and NO access to TV / radio / fridge is important. For a 9th grader, I'd say 90 minutes of study / homwork (including reading) is probably average.

She has to sit there for the 90 minutes no matter what. If she "has no homework" it doesn't matter - she can stare at the walls if she wants - she sits at the same place, at the same time every day. No matter what.

2. Ask for home copies of all of her textbooks. If you need to rent an extra copy or buy and extra textbook / novel - do it. Now, there is less excuse for not doing the work / reading. She can never say she left something at school. And, if she claims she "has no homework" - then she can use the texts to study.

3. Try as hard as you can to take the emotion out of the situation. Homework can be a control issue, and the more you try to push it / control it - the more she will push back, rebel. I would stop checking her work, checking up with her, etc. The only rule you have is that she has to sit at that desk for 90 minutes every day no matter what. This is the rule that you enforce - if she chooses to sit there and doodle (and she may for the first month) that's fine - as long as she's sitting there for the correct time.

4. Any consequences are hers. If she fails - and doesn't get her credit and has to retake the course - that's her consequence. If she has to take summer school - that is her consequence. I HAVE heard from parents of my children who have moved on to high school that unlike middle school, once they start to not get their credits, and have to take summer school, they do become more motivated.

5. Finally, praise, praise, praise, reward, reward, reward.

Hope any of these ideas help.

 

[badblackpug]

Sorry to post again, but I have to admit I have a theory. Her father shows little involvement now, but that wasn't always the case. When she was little, and we 1st split up, he was very involved. He picked her up when he was supposed to, he chaperoned school trips, he came to back to school night and parent teacher conferences. He took her places, and did things with her. They had a great relationship. When I remarried, and he lost hope of us getting back together (oddly enough, HE was the one that left) his involvement with her started to dwindle. It continued to dwindle off to the point it is now. The homework issues started about the time the dwindling started, I think she, either consciously or subconsiously realized that she could get attention from her father this way. I think this behavior evolved into a lot of really bad study habits, which now, I am at a loss of how to break.

 

[TJ's Mom]

I teach freshman. Freshman year is not an easy one for lots of kids. Just to warn you, freshman has a higher failure rate than the other grades. I taught one group of kids as freshman and then as sophomores. The change is huge!

Here are my suggestions. First of all, you need to find what her "thing" is. Some kids have not had success in so long, they need an extrinsic push. After they feel success, they will begin to be more intrinsically motivated. So what does she like? Time with friends, a new cell phone/ipod, etc. I would try and get her in some activity even if it is not sports or something out of school. Kids who are involved with something seem to do better.

Next, make sure you go to open house and see what the teachers do. Many of them have routines that can help you with homework. For instance, my math teachers give a calendar at the beginning of every month that lists the homework and tests for the month. I email parents before every test and project but only if they send me their email (I am not input 150 names - half of which I can't read their writing. On my syllabus I ask them to email me and I save it. Can you believe I only had 10% do this?).


My last suggestion is to start rewarding with the small victories. Don't expect perfection. You wrote down all you assignments but didn't so them all? Well, we still have something good there. I have found when I spend time "yelling" at my kids, the improvement is not there but when I praise the good things I see, it gets better.

Good luck!

 

[HeidiPA]

I'm curious what kind of company your daughter keeps. Are her friends the same way - seemingly lazy and unmotivated? Are they "competing" with each other - is it cool to get bad grades?

My daughter is the same age as yours - entering 9th grade. We homeschool, so I don't have to worry so much about these issues. But, I can see variations in her personality depending on which friend she might be with on any given day.

Kids at that age are all about their peers and impressing them. Could it be that you need to encourage a new group of friends? It's just a thought.

 

[happymommy]

I was saying to myself while reading this, are you talking about MY son? He's 11 now (my DH and I are happily married though) but DS has pretty bad ADHD. Then I read further that your daughter was tested. Was this a long time ago? It really sounds like she could at least benefit from some further evaluation from a professional. There may be something that she could benefit from professionally. You are a very caring and smart mother to realize there has to be something you can do to help her reach her full potential - if she were only capable of C's and studying, then that is one thing. But you see she is capable of doing more than she is doing. I SO feel your pain!

I recently hired an ADD/ADHD coach for my son. They meet weekly, and go over (for now) very small goals and routines. He so far adores her, and she makes it fun. She works with teens and adults as well. I hate the expense right now, but if it helps him this year in school and in the future, it will all be worth it. Maybe there is someone in your area that can work with her (I find that it is sometimes better to come from someone outside the family).

I would talk to the pediatrician (or family doctor) for advice. Also, once you decide what you are going to do, let your ex know firmly that this is what you're going to do, end of story. I do agree though - you need to find some way to motivate her and get her back on track. Even if she doesn't have ADD, she may need some sort of coaching. Maybe the school has a teacher that does some type of work like this also.

 

[Teacher03]

I feel your pain! My son was always a lazy student. We tried everything that has been mentioned and then some. It drove me absolutely crazy.
Almost literally. When he was a junior in high school, we decided to back off. I would ask to see his report card, voice my opinion, but offer no consequences (because they just didn't work with him.) His grades slowly improved a little, and he is now a senior in college. His grades could be better, he is still a lazy student, but he has excelled in every job he has had. His employers love him, he is a great human being, and I am proud of him. I guess I am not much help, but I think you are right in not holding her hand anymore. She'll have to suffer the consequences if necessary, such as summer school.

 

[mjantz]

I feel your pain. My DS last year had a horrible time with homework. I finally resorted to bribery (which I hated) but if he filled out this chart & got all As & Bs he got a new gaming system for his birthday. He barely made it but he did get his gaming system.
Like you I am dreading the school year. The thing that really hacks me is that the school provides a planner for each kid. Does he write stuff down in it? No, of course not. Does he consult it at the end of the day as he's packing his backpack? No, but it wouldn't do any good if he did because he doesn't write it down! I'm trying to figure out a good rewards & punishments system for getting him to write stuff down & getting his backpack packed.

 

[mpls_mm]

I think we prepare our kids for the future, if you constantly hold her hand and stand over her, she won't have learned the consequences by the time she is on her own. You can't be there forever and hoping that good studying habits will just "take" one day might not work. Sometimes I think it is a personality thing. I was always a get by person in school. I never saw the need to expend a lot of energy when I didn't need to. Many entrepreneurs and idea people start out like that. I just realized I need to make my own rules and work at what I wanted to, so I run my own business. There is an analogy out there about race horses and mules, most people are mules, some people are race horses. They do what they do when they have to do it. I am happy my mother told me I could do what I wanted instead of breaking my spirit and forcing me to conform. She was also very honest and instilled in me how important college would be some day, and that we could not afford it and I would have to earn my way there. She told me what life would be without an education, and what I should do. Instead of medicating and looking for a diagnosis, it just might be part of who she is. I would avoid labels like lazy and half a**ed. Those are ugly and do take away a childs initiative.

 

[3girls4me05]

I echo having her tested again for ADD. She sounds so much like my 11yr old who does have ADD. We are not medicating her but work with her teachers and last report card was all As and 1 B. Amazing! I would at least talk to the guidance office about her. Let them know that you are concerned, about your divorce situation and why. They can hook her up with someone to meet with on a regular basis and that may help.
Good luck..you have already gotten some great advice on here.

 

[may06orbust]

I'm pretty sure that your DD and my now DD21 were seperated at birth. Homework was a nightmare all through HS. She is now in her senior year in college and is on the Dean's List. She admits to me that she did not understand how important her grades would be in HS, meaning that during college application time(Even though I did tell her that repeatedly.), each college would base any scholarship awards on her grades through her entire HS career. Those D's & F's in math and spanish didn't look so good anymore. And while her grades did improve juring her Junior and Senior year, she did feel bad that many of her classmates recieved large academic scholarships and she did not. She had hoped to attend a private college, but had to change her mind after she realized that 1. She would not be receiving enough $ in academic scholarships and financial aid to make it affordable, and 2. I work for a local state university and that she can receive 1/2 tuition at any state university here. The college she chose was not her first choice, but because of her choices and grades in HS, that is what it was. Was she lazy? yes. Was her work half-a@@ed? yes. I gave up nagging about it during her sophomore year. We did have a leverage though--dance. DD danced competitively all through HS and yes, I did threaten to take it away and yes the threats did work.

Now I look back on it, I think that DD troubles were a combination of disorganization and denial. She was a mess--she had a planner, but she never used it. Now her planner is her life! But she also pretended like she didn't ever have any homework/projects/tests to study for either. I guess in her world, if it's not written in my planner, it does not exist! Not one teacher of hers ever suggested that we have her evaluated for ADD/ADHD ever.

And with all things, this too shall pass. Even though it may seem like an eternity and awful at the time. It's painful to watch, but sometimes our kids have to fail to learn to suceed.

We are now going through the same problems with DS13 and every teacher has suggested that he be evaluated for AD/ADHD. Every year he is evaluated and every year he shows up as maybe borderline. He's attending a different school than DD that offers alot more help and his dad and I feel that he will succeed. I am on him like peanut butter on bread though. I am in constant communication with his teachers and the homework help room teacher. We know that we can offer DS medications, and have decided that he/we may condsider it this next year, but it will be up to DS. DS is going through his "problems" at an earlier age that DD, so we hope that he'll get it before HS.