Leaving a teen behind.....Update pg 12, we are back!

[kimblebee]

OP, I've raised three sons and two granddaughters. I want very much to tell you it will be fine. It won't.

Sweet tap-dancing Jeebus. 14 year-old boyfriend and girlfriend having sleepovers because you know, it's OK, they're in separate rooms. Does no one think they might SNEAK into each other's room?

Your 10 year-old is next up What age can he/she have sleepover privileges?

OP, my advice FWIW is not to leave your 17 year old without supervision. He has shown that he is unreliable. And the consequences are not just awww, he missed a few days of school. The consequences are legal liability for the underage party that will happen at your house.

Let's just take a breath here...

 

[mummabear]

Our DS is now 20 and still living at home, almost fully dependent on us for provision. We don't "parent" him in the same way we did when he was an adolescent because by law and before God we are no longer accountable for his choices in the same way. It's now become about setting our own boundaries about what goes on in our home and what we will or will not accommodate and facilitate with our resources. That's a far-cry from actively trying to dictate his every move.

The polarity of these discussions on the DIS always amaze me. People argue that just because they don't actively prevent their kids from (for example) drinking or sexual activity doesn't mean they condone it. They are usually the same ones that say those of us who do not enable them are repressing and controlling our kids...

There is a big difference between giving your child enough rope to hang themselves and actively condoning it.
Allow your child to have a sleepover in a seperate room with rules that they can't sleep is not the same thing as buying your child lingerie.
There are plenty of parents who feel that parenting is making all of your child's decisions for them and now allowing them to make mistakes, this does them a great disservice.
Not sure how you think they are going to learn to cope on their own at 18 if at 17 you would leave them alone unsupervised.
It's these kids that will still be living in their parents basements at 40 because Mom and Dad did t give them the skills needed to look after themselves.

 

[ronandannette]

There is a big difference between giving your child enough rope to hang themselves and actively condoning it.
Allow your child to have a sleepover in a seperate room with rules that they can't sleep is not the same thing as buying your child lingerie.
There are plenty of parents who feel that parenting is making all of your child's decisions for them and now allowing them to make mistakes, this does them a great disservice.
Not sure how you think they are going to learn to cope on their own at 18 if at 17 you would leave them alone unsupervised.
It's these kids that will still be living in their parents basements at 40 because Mom and Dad did t give them the skills needed to look after themselves.

It's not this black and white - really, it's not; which is the point I was trying to make. Thanks for illustrating it perfectly.

 

[Darcy03231]

Seriously? And what would that conversation sound like? What on earth response would you expect from the police to your information? You wouldn't expect them to be keeping an eye on your unsupervised minor while you took off for WDW, would you?

Where I live the police department encourages people to let them know when your home will be empty for a period of time, or if a high school senior/young adult will be the only one home. They make a point to have a patrol car go by when their out doing their patrols. It helps them to keep robbery rates lower and the incidents of parties under control before something might get out of hand. We live in a community where a lot of residents are seasonal and I've seen officers checking on homes where the owners are snowbirds. They will actually get out of the cars and walk around the property. I guess I'm just fortunate that where I live we have a low crime rate and our police department works hard to keep it that way and are proactive.

 

[Nancyg56]

OP, I've raised three sons and two granddaughters. I want very much to tell you it will be fine. It won't.

LOL! I know!

Where I live the police department encourages people to let them know when your home will be empty for a period of time, or if a high school senior/young adult will be the only one home. They make a point to have a patrol car go by when their out doing their patrols. It helps them to keep robbery rates lower and the incidents of parties under control before something might get out of hand. We live in a community where a lot of residents are seasonal and I've seen officers checking on homes where the owners are snowbirds. They will actually get out of the cars and walk around the property. I guess I'm just fortunate that where I live we have a low crime rate and our police department works hard to keep it that way and are proactive.

In my community our local PD would like this courtesy as well. We are a rural community and will often patrol in areas where folks are on vacation, or as in the case of the OP, a minor child is at home alone.

 

[ronandannette]

Where I live the police department encourages people to let them know when your home will be empty for a period of time, or if a high school senior/young adult will be the only one home. They make a point to have a patrol car go by when their out doing their patrols. It helps them to keep robbery rates lower and the incidents of parties under control before something might get out of hand. We live in a community where a lot of residents are seasonal and I've seen officers checking on homes where the owners are snowbirds. They will actually get out of the cars and walk around the property. I guess I'm just fortunate that where I live we have a low crime rate and our police department works hard to keep it that way and are proactive.

I don't disbelieve you, but I personally can't fathom such a thing. This is a city of 1.2 million with thousands of LEO's. No way could they deal with individual requests to "keep an eye on things while we're away"; that's what private security firms are for (if anyone feels the need).

 

[ckay87]

I don't leave my sons home alone for extended periods. They are quite old enough to live on their own, this is true. However, they are currently in MY house. I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure that I can be responsible for any bad stuff that goes down in my house. Therefore, I'm protecting my house. And I know better than to trust them with it for several days. I love them, but they have a lot of friends, you know?

 

[Darcy03231]

I don't disbelieve you, but I personally can't fathom such a thing. This is a city of 1.2 million with thousands of LEO's. No way could they deal with individual requests to "keep an eye on things while we're away"; that's what private security firms are for (if anyone feels the need).

We have a population of about 4,000.

 

[North of Mouse]

10 pages and I still can't make sense of any of it....

Actually, I can make sense of most of it, except for the fact that the OP has her mind made up, and her responsibilities should something unforeseen happen do not seem to faze her.

We have a population of about 4,000.

Well, guess in that case the police would/could check on absentee homeowners - gives them something else to do.
Not so in our county even though we're rural, way more people and things going on. They have to leave such things to neighborhood watches and home securities. They just do not have the time or personnel to watch over all residences.

 

[Hikergirl]

Actually, I can make sense of most of it, except for the fact that the OP has her mind made up, and her responsibilities should something unforeseen happen do not seem to faze her.

Or she just isn't as uptight and controlling as some others seem to be about raising teenagers.

 

[mjkacmom]

Or she just isn't as uptight and controlling as some others seem to be about raising teenagers.

Her husband thinks he will have a party, she thinks he will skip school. We are not talking about leaving a mature responsible teen home alone. Most parents I know don't allow 13/14 year olds to have boyfriends/girlfriends, never mind d encouraging sleepovers.

What I find weird is that the OP plans on taking both SO's on vacation next summer. These are teens, not married couples. I would never assume, or even guess, that these relationships would still be happening. It's just not something I'd be encouraging at these ages. Go hang out with your friends.

 

[Wishing on a star]

First, the OP seems to have decided, and I won't make any direct comment.
I will, however, state how I might handle it, and have handled it.

Recently the parent of a 17 year old.
Have we left him? Yes we have. But, ours is a different scenario/situation.
First time he spent most the whole time at a close friends with his family.
Second time, a little older, he did stay home.
We are close to several neighbors and friends who would be available to him if anything came up.

But, he is not a kid who will skip school, throw parties, play house with his teen girlfriend and she possibly ends up pregnant.

No way would I choose to leave a less mature and responsible 17 year old son alone, in my home, for which I am responsible, for that length of time.
Even if, yes, he is 'almost an adult'.
No way would I choose to make my teen's 'flame' a part of our family. IMHO that is way over the line of over-involvement.
I call the whole viewpoint that 'teen couples are gonna do what they are gonna do', and 'if you can fight it join it', the "fluffing the pillows for them syndrome".

A criminal may want to case and break into my home while I am away, and they will do what they are gonna do. I ain't leavin' my doors unlocked.

 

[Hikergirl]

Her husband thinks he will have a party, she thinks he will skip school. We are not talking about leaving a mature responsible teen home alone. Most parents I know don't allow 13/14 year olds to have boyfriends/girlfriends, never mind d encouraging sleepovers.

What I find weird is that the OP plans on taking both SO's on vacation next summer. These are teens, not married couples. I would never assume, or even guess, that these relationships would still be happening. It's just not something I'd be encouraging at these ages. Go hang out with your friends.

It is clear that there are different types of parents here, describing some as uptight and controlling is just as valid as describing the op as unfazed by her responsibilities.

The only people the OP are responsible for are her children, so she gets to make the decision on how she parents them. You are free to parent your children in a way you see fit, she can as she sees fit. Just because others think her way is wrong doesn't mean it is wrong. Just because you wouldn't do something or all the parents you know wouldn't doesn't make what she does wrong.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

What I find weird is that the OP plans on taking both SO's on vacation next summer. These are teens, not married couples. I would never assume, or even guess, that these relationships would still be happening. It's just not something I'd be encouraging at these ages. Go hang out with your friends.

TBH it's not all that weird. While I don't think it's necessary I do know people who did take their kid's girlfriends or boyfriends with them. Sometimes the family would pay for everything and sometimes bits and pieces were paid for.

My in-laws did it with my sister-in-law when she was 16; that same sister-in-law was 15 when her friend came on vacation with us as well. My guy friend was 17 (at the time) when his gf (at the time)'s family took him on vacation. I knew multiple people in high school who did that too.

Again I don't think it's personally necessary but it did happen to people around me.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I can't speak for my own family on the sleepover issue as mine are 17 and 19 and still have never dated anyone. I was almost 17 before I dated somebody as a teen too (not beucase they aren't allowed, just becuase they don't want to I guess).
I can say that I have seen it happen in families that seem to be weirdly pushing the relationship and making it more serious than the kids might otherwise. And i have seen it happen in a way that feels pretty natural and is basically no different than having a close friend around. Hard to say based on the OP what is going on here---though it has nothing to do with the 17 year old skipping Disney anyway.

I thought I would update that I am back home now with MY 17 year old who was on his own last week (I think that was the 4th, maybe 5th time he's been on his own for more than a couple of nights----and hte kids were "alone together" a few times before the oldest went off to college). As per usual, there is no eveidence whatsoever of a party happening. This time, DS did miss two days of school. He felt miserable (probably some combination of jet lag---he flew home frmo the US and was at school the next day) and stress over an emotional week plus a cold. He emailed the school office, his lead teacher and DH right away, and DH confirmed once home on Friday. This is only hte second time he'S ever missed class in all the time he'S been home without parents (the other was our first trip; his asthma acted up and he went to the doctor and got a note and they adjusted his meds). I am not at all worried about it. House is reasonably clean, cats are fed, etc.
Similarly, I stayed home a few times in highschool while my parents travelled out of the country. I never threw a party or skipped school. Nor did the oldest before uni.
Can bad things happen? Sure, nothing is a sure bet.
Will bad things happen? Not necesarrily---a lot depends on the kid and the parents and the situations.
I still say people know their kids and can best judge how to handle these things with their own families

 

[Vijoge]

I don't disbelieve you, but I personally can't fathom such a thing. This is a city of 1.2 million with thousands of LEO's. No way could they deal with individual requests to "keep an eye on things while we're away"; that's what private security firms are for (if anyone feels the need).

My neighbor behind me is a police officer. I know he'd keep an eye on my house if I asked him to. As would my neighbors on either side of me and the ones across the street, etc. However, this is because he's a neighbor and a friend, not because he's a cop.

 

[camreesmom]

I don't disbelieve you, but I personally can't fathom such a thing. This is a city of 1.2 million with thousands of LEO's. No way could they deal with individual requests to "keep an eye on things while we're away"; that's what private security firms are for (if anyone feels the need).

We're in a town of 12K plus and LEO would do a drive by around here if asked. It wouldn't be out of the ordinary.

 

[Cinderella94]

I turned 17 the month before I moved into my freshman college dorm. But, I was never left home alone overnight in high school. There was simply never a reason for it. Family vacations were always really FAMILY vacations, meaning everyone. If something did come up that required me to be home "alone" for a night or two, there were plenty of friends houses that I could stay at. I'm a long way away from having a 17 year old child (not necessarily that 17 year olds are children, I mean child of my own) but the idea of potentially losing everything because my kid invited some other kids over and they acted stupid one night (alcohol, driving, leads to charges being filed, who knows) - I wonder why anyone would take the risk. To me it's not really a question of teaching responsibility and giving them a chance - there are plenty of opportunities for that. It's more about covering my butt while all those minors are my responsibility in my house. Maybe once I'm a parent my thoughts will change, but that's my $.02 for now.

 

[Mirielle]

The one thing that has been in my mind as I've read some of the replies is this: What do the parents of the girlfriend have to say about their daughter being in the home without the boy's parents present? Are they cool with this? * Perhaps this has already been answered and I missed it.*

 

[mummabear]

Her husband thinks he will have a party, she thinks he will skip school. We are not talking about leaving a mature responsible teen home alone. Most parents I know don't allow 13/14 year olds to have boyfriends/girlfriends, never mind d encouraging sleepovers.

What I find weird is that the OP plans on taking both SO's on vacation next summer. These are teens, not married couples. I would never assume, or even guess, that these relationships would still be happening. It's just not something I'd be encouraging at these ages. Go hang out with your friends.

Really?
OP has stated that her DDS BF is the daughters best friend, nothing weird about a BF coming on holiday, lots of people allow kids to do that. Sure they could break up but we don't actually know the relationship between the two kids and the families.
DD7s group of best mates is 1 other girl and 5 boys, we do sleepovers all the time. They have been friends since they were babies, I think nothing of them sleeping over here (in the same room even), that part may change as they get older.
As far as the 17 year old son, well I married the boy I was dating when I was 17, so have plenty of other people.
I am sure what OP means about the trip is each kid gets to brings a friend, and right now the plan is for it to be those people, plans would change if circumstances did.