Just sounding off

[clutter]

Have you thought about pushing her on why she doesn't want to go to independent/assisted living? She may not realize that it isn't a bad place to be - often it's a good place for people with the socialization and care. Could her perception be far from reality?

When we moved my dad to independent living, he didn't care too much for it, but recognized there was nothing wrong with it. But when he was moved to assisted living, he really blossomed. He got so much good socialization with the other 'inmates' (he called them that, but with a chuckle), and the aides and the nurses. My boss recently had to move her fil to an independent living facility because his home was unsafe. He objected, but thrived there until Covid.

If she has the means, and I think you said that she did but I could be wrong, she may actually enjoy it - and it can be better than living with family. I'm sure it depends on quality, but pretty much everyone I know that has moved a parent into a continuing care type of facility has ended up liking it. As for affordability, we easily managed with my dad's Social Security, small pension, and proceeds from selling his house.

I think it's worth asking her what she thinks independent/assisted living will be like, and having her visit somewhere to let her know that the reality is likely not like what she is thinking. Its definitely worth your husband's and your time to check out a few then see if you can get her to visit one. I have a friend who is just turning 65, with not too robust a retirement account, and is moving to independent living just because of all the amenities!

 

[TwoMisfits]

I like the medical alert idea. Not sure why we haven’t thought about that. Her house is big, two story.
My husband talked to her yesterday about how she is so forgetful and repeats things and how worried he is about her. She said, “Well, you need to move in here with me.” She cried and begged him to never put her in assisted living.

We were up a good portion of the night. He was so upset that I told him I would do whatever he wanted. He is afraid if he forces her to go into assisted living that she will get depressed and just give up and die. He does realize that her moving in with us or vice versa would be a big imposition in our marriage. He said that it wouldn’t be fair to either of us. He brought up a lot of things that I have been thinking and several things you all have brought up so he has really been thinking about it too. Privacy issues, no freedom at all, the fact that these are supposed to be our golden years, not wanting to be her caregiver, etc. I still am not sure what we are going to do but I now know that his mind is straight, knowing that we would never be able to live with her.
We saw the saying, a long time ago, “This too shall pass…like a kidney stone,” and use it all the time. This is going to be one long and painful kidney stone.

Op, I feel for you.

We had this with my mom with her stage 4 cancer and kidney failure diagnosis in reverse. After almost dying and getting all the diagnoses (with required 3x/week dialysis), she was adamant she would not move in with any of the 6 of us or into care, so we had her entire house set up to make it work for independent living and got her moved in with 4 hour daily care (we paid contractors for this by the hour - there are many services, and this may work for you. We only had one sibling close by, so they couldn't be there all the time, so we demanded she get 4 hours of service/day that covered breakfast/lunch/meds and cleaning her house and her and getting her to dialysis...not cheap, but necessary). Even with all this, she literally lasted 10 days in the house before she almost died again (the close sib got her to the ER) and we had another 2 week hospital trip where they would not approve rehab afterwards. So, with 5 of us far away and my mom incapable of handling anything, the 6 of us made the decision to move my mom to FL while I kept power of attorney for finances and co-POA for health care (so the FL sib both didn't need to worry about it, and then wouldn't be seen as "taking mom's money or killing her"). We got my mom better and living and on the way to health for 7 months til a new chemo she had to try killed her on the 1st dose.

This is all written to say...it's hard, and sometimes you have to let them win before they lose...b/c if you don't, they'll hate you. Unlike my mom, you don't need a POA to let her keep living in her house, so you could try the 4 hours/day help and rigging the house for dementia issues and see how it goes before you insist on a home. We didn't have to go there b/c my sis had a house which could house my mom without impacting both of them too much...although getting her from NJ to FL from a hospital was a trick...an expensive one, but we did it...

 

[QueenIsabella]

Have you thought about pushing her on why she doesn't want to go to independent/assisted living? She may not realize that it isn't a bad place to be - often it's a good place for people with the socialization and care. Could her perception be far from reality?

When we moved my dad to independent living, he didn't care too much for it, but recognized there was nothing wrong with it. But when he was moved to assisted living, he really blossomed. He got so much good socialization with the other 'inmates' (he called them that, but with a chuckle), and the aides and the nurses. My boss recently had to move her fil to an independent living facility because his home was unsafe. He objected, but thrived there until Covid.

If she has the means, and I think you said that she did but I could be wrong, she may actually enjoy it - and it can be better than living with family. I'm sure it depends on quality, but pretty much everyone I know that has moved a parent into a continuing care type of facility has ended up liking it. As for affordability, we easily managed with my dad's Social Security, small pension, and proceeds from selling his house.

I think it's worth asking her what she thinks independent/assisted living will be like, and having her visit somewhere to let her know that the reality is likely not like what she is thinking. Its definitely worth your husband's and your time to check out a few then see if you can get her to visit one. I have a friend who is just turning 65, with not too robust a retirement account, and is moving to independent living just because of all the amenities!

A lot of assisted living/continuing care places will let you try them out for a period of time (we heard up to 30 days, back when my MIL was considering this). Spending a few days at a quality facility might help the OP's mother feel more comfortable with choosing to live there. I know for my MIL, she did make a bunch of friends and enjoyed many activities. Plus, she was so close to my BIL, he stopped by several times a week, having lunch with her or just to chat. I think he had to pay a few bucks for his meal, but it was a nice way to spend time, and the food was really good.

 

[OKbyme]

We are going through this now with my in-laws, who have been divorced for over 50 years! So two separate homes in two different cities. Luckily, both are within an easy drive. My SIL lives nearby as well.

FIL is 87, mentally very good, but declining health. He has fallen a number of times, and is on blood thinner so not good. My DH takes care of his house, yard, takes him to Walmart and goes for breakfast with him on the weekends. SIL makes him meals, washes his clothes, tries to clean the house, which he fights. He is very seriously considering assisted living, but hates the thought of the costs. I am hopeful he continues to be willing to do so as it will certainly make it easier for everyone.

MIL is 82, has COPD (so on oxygen), incontinence, diabetes with insulin shot daily, and cognitive decline. They had her cash out her retirement to pay for in house care 5 hours a day, 6 days a week. She doesn't wander which is good, but fights you on everything. She has one caretaker who manages her well and can get her to shower and change her clothes, and get her to eat. She is worth every single penny, but can't work the 6 days a week. Care on the other days is erratic.

I think she shouldn't be in her home as it is. My SIL doesn't want to deal with it, wants to wait until there is nothing left in her accounts so she can honestly say they have no other choice. Even with cognitive decline, my MIL keeps saying she will never go to a nursing home and no one can make her. She wants to die at home. With all the medication and medical interventions, she could go on for years physically. So she will probably not get her wish.

It is a shame MIL has declined as much as she has, because when her companion of 48 years was in assisted living, she loved going there. Even when he went back to his room she would stay and talk to the other residents, have lunch, play bingo, etc. The social life was exactly what she needed and I think living alone after her companion died, and then being stuck at home due to Covid, has really hastened her decline.

I am glad to read your Dh realizes moving in with her is not a good idea. It is a shame she is so adamant about the assisted living. Is there one nearby that you can visit? As I posted above, my MIL loved it. Also someone posted above about seeing if she can "try it out" and see what happens. Maybe knowing she can come home will allow her to be open to the idea.

 

[piccolopat]

I like the medical alert idea. Not sure why we haven’t thought about that. Her house is big, two story.
My husband talked to her yesterday about how she is so forgetful and repeats things and how worried he is about her. She said, “Well, you need to move in here with me.” She cried and begged him to never put her in assisted living.

We were up a good portion of the night. He was so upset that I told him I would do whatever he wanted. He is afraid if he forces her to go into assisted living that she will get depressed and just give up and die. He does realize that her moving in with us or vice versa would be a big imposition in our marriage. He said that it wouldn’t be fair to either of us. He brought up a lot of things that I have been thinking and several things you all have brought up so he has really been thinking about it too. Privacy issues, no freedom at all, the fact that these are supposed to be our golden years, not wanting to be her caregiver, etc. I still am not sure what we are going to do but I now know that his mind is straight, knowing that we would never be able to live with her.
We saw the saying, a long time ago, “This too shall pass…like a kidney stone,” and use it all the time. This is going to be one long and painful kidney stone.

My friend's father was having difficulties and she thought he should be in assisted living. He was opposed and wanted to stay in his large, 3 story home (plus basement). Family had to take care of the outside maintenance and most of the inside work as well. He was unable to properly care for himself but insisted everyone take care of him instead of him leaving the home he was in for decades. She found a nice assisted living place near her that offered a trial week long visit. Well at the end of the week he was ready to move. Maybe you can find something like that. Good luck and prayers for you.