Jokes

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LMAO I love that.

 

[imabrat]

see now that new joke was funny. kinda lame,but funny. i actually did that on a math test.

i was offended because helen keller was a wonderful person. no one deserves to have a joke after them. that probably didn't make sense,so just ignore me.
i was offended because i don't like the 'men do XYZ better than women because...'. i'm sure men don't like it when women say something like that.

 

[ktbutterfly2011]

I didn't think the Helen Keller joke was offensive at all. I thought it was hilarious.

People do need to learn to just laugh. Laugh at others,but more importantly laugh at themselves.

I'm a blond. A SMART blond at that. I don't find dumb blond jokes offensive at all.

If something offends you, it's because you LET it offend you.
Just like, if you're mad at someone... it's because you allow yourself to get mad over the things they do.

Live life.

 

[C.J. Sparrow]

see now that new joke was funny. kinda lame,but funny. i actually did that on a math test.

i was offended because helen keller was a wonderful person. no one deserves to have a joke after them. that probably didn't make sense,so just ignore me.
i was offended because i don't like the 'men do XYZ better than women because...'. i'm sure men don't like it when women say something like that.

I'm sorry.

What is a ghost's favorite song?
Boo-hemian Rhapsody!
*crickets*
*rotten tomatoes thrown*

 

[imabrat]

since i'm not creative, thank you 101funnyjokes.com.

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

 

[shellybellypolo]

since i'm not creative, thank you 101funnyjokes.com.

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

 

[C.J. Sparrow]

Q: How many Simon Cowells does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 20. One to change it, one to complain about the sounds that are coming out of it, and the other 18 to make rude comments about the lightbulb!

 

[C.J. Sparrow]

since i'm not creative, thank you 101funnyjokes.com.

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

That put the awesome levels up to about 250 from only 5! Let's try to get them up higher, shall we?

 

[imabrat]

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

 

[imabrat]

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

One morning a mother was trying to wake up her son. "Wake up now! It's time to go to school." "I don't want to go to school," the son replied. His mother said, "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." "Okay. One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." "Not good enough," the mother replied. "Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school." "One, you're 50 years old. Two, you're the principal of the school."

 

[Talons]

Q: How many Montreal Canadiens fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 20 - 1 to screw in the lightbulb, and 19 to reminisce about how good it used to be

BOO YA, GO RED WINGS!!!

 

[C.J. Sparrow]

Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: If one Chuck Norris could end life as we know it, what do you think the answer is?

 

[RaggedyAnnPrincess]

since i'm not creative, thank you 101funnyjokes.com.

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

LOL! bravo!

 

[pirateprinces_dancer]

WARNING!!! PG-13 JOKE HERE!


Q:What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A:She choked

 

[PowerMonkey]

oh god, people got offended by that helen keller joke? lol... all of those type of jokes are funny because theyre satires.. not because people actually think women are inferior... ::shakes head::

this one might just make you guys pop a vein or something, so dont click if you hated the helen keller one:
http://img249.imageshack.us/img249/499/n6598607136130198319is6.jpg



and some totally non offensive ones so that everyone can enjoy this post:

Q: how do you get holy water?
A: You boil the Hell out of it.....

 

[KingdomKeepers21]

Okay, so David lives next to this elederly couple. They are all great friends, and it is the old man's birthday. David comes to the party and asks the old woman what she got her husband, and she says "I got him a graveyard plot"

Next year, David is at the Old man's birthday party. He asks the old woman what she got her husband for his birthday, and the old woman says "Nothing, he didn't use what I got him last year."

Actual Newspaper headlines:
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]

 

[KingdomKeepers21]

OH MY GAWD! Really good jokes!
G- (From funny.com) THE TEA PARTY

When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

THE END (I hear you laughing!)
And PG- PG13 http://www.womensfunnyvideos.com/Jokes/jack_who.htm
I cannot post the actual joke, but I am right now!

 

[MrsSparrow..]

Two clean jokes? Here we go
A man walks into a bar, - ouch.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Two jokes that are really overrated and annoy me are the "Pharmacy and the Dad" joke and the "Sandwich making & Bunkbed" joke. I think you guys know what I mean? Whenever people talk about jokes they always mention those two, I don't really find them funny just boyish and immature.

-Ashleigh

 

[yellowtink]

Q: What starts and ends with the same letter?
A: WDW



Maybe not the best joke but hey I wanted to keep the thread going.

 

[Addicted.to.Speed]

Q: What starts and ends with the same letter?
A: WDW



Maybe not the best joke but hey I wanted to keep the thread going.

or racecar

Q: What starts with P and ends with ORN?
A: Popcorn