Is Love Truly Enough??

[LaceyLace]

I am in a heartbreaking situation right now, and I'm not sure if it's me that's the cause of it or not.

I have dated a man for the past three years now, but find myself unable to commit myself to him or bring myself to say "I love you" even though I really do feel that I love him. He has no qualms about letting me know he loves me dearly and wants to marry me someday if/when I'm ready.

I care about this man SO MUCH and can't imagine him not being in my life. However, I am struggling with the fact that we are very different people. Have no idea how we ended up in such a serious relationship - we don't even look like we belong together - but it just happened.

Me: I am from a very conservative background - you could say I've lived a very sheltered life. My family is not rich by any means, but we've always had money to enjoy life with. I have never known want or poverty in my life. My family has raised me with values - nobody drinks, does drugs, parties, been involved with the law, divorce... I come from a strict "white picket fence" type of world. I am now 45 yo with a successful career and money in my savings account and retirement accounts. I am a sophisticated and very attractive female who enjoys dressing up and dining at fabulous restaurants (sounds like I'm writing a personal ad, lol).

Him: As opposite as you can get from me. He is 46 yo and has been on his own since 17. His upbringing was a mess - lots of drugs, incest... you name it. I'm shocked every time he opens his mouth and shares something with me about his family. He works in a factory with a very dirty job - no money in the bank at all - he lives paycheck to paycheck. His marriage was an "open" marriage that consisted of other people being involved in their sex life. He's had more women take their clothes off in front of him than I can count. He has 2 grown sons who are VERY different from my own grown children. They weren't raised with any values whatsoever. In fact, he's a dad that goes to the mall with his sons to "check out" the hot girls or swap naked pics back & forth via email. It FLOORS me because that is so different than how I raised my children. I understand his sons are adults now and that he didn't do this when they were children... but still. He claims I'm living in a bubble not the real world. The biggest issue I think is that he appreciates a woman's beautiful form to be blunt. He's very respectful to me, of course, but I know he looks - he says that's just how he is and that he can't change... that ALL men like to look. I say that's bull crap.

He would never fit in with my circle of friends, and I don't seem to fit into his circle of friends.

It sounds like I'm putting him down, but he's been truly wonderful to me, he's faithful, loyal, sensitive, honest, hardworking, funny, intelligent, patient, and downright sexy. I know he would never do anything to hurt me and that he would be truly faithful to me IF I could commit myself to him. I just can't. I can't get past this hurdle of his past.

We have recently called it off because of our differences and MY inability to get over the fact that we're different and have very different upbringings and values. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Do I let him go knowing that we're not "right" for each other, or do I dig deep and find a way to overcome our differences. Honestly, I thought I could do that, but it's been 3 years and I'm no closer to a resolution than I was when we first started dating.

I have never been around a man like him before. I don't know if I'm truly living in a bubble or if there's truly something wrong here and I need to end it here and now despite the incredible pain I am feeling at the very thought of walking away from him and never being a part of his life again.

I thought love could conquer all, but we can't seem to get there. I want to commit to someone that I can be a soul mate with and I'm not sure how 2 different people can ever be that despite their love for each other.

 

[SaraJayne]

I am in a heartbreaking situation right now, and I'm not sure if it's me that's the cause of it or not.

I have dated a man for the past three years now, but find myself unable to commit myself to him or bring myself to say "I love you" even though I really do feel that I love him. He has no qualms about letting me know he loves me dearly and wants to marry me someday if/when I'm ready.

I care about this man SO MUCH and can't imagine him not being in my life. However, I am struggling with the fact that we are very different people. Have no idea how we ended up in such a serious relationship - we don't even look like we belong together - but it just happened.

Me: I am from a very conservative background - you could say I've lived a very sheltered life. My family is not rich by any means, but we've always had money to enjoy life with. I have never known want or poverty in my life. My family has raised me with values - nobody drinks, does drugs, parties, been involved with the law, divorce... I come from a strict "white picket fence" type of world. I am now 45 yo with a successful career and money in my savings account and retirement accounts. I am a sophisticated and very attractive female who enjoys dressing up and dining at fabulous restaurants (sounds like I'm writing a personal ad, lol).

Him: As opposite as you can get from me. He is 46 yo and has been on his own since 17. His upbringing was a mess - lots of drugs, incest... you name it. I'm shocked every time he opens his mouth and shares something with me about his family. He works in a factory with a very dirty job - no money in the bank at all - he lives paycheck to paycheck. His marriage was an "open" marriage that consisted of other people being involved in their sex life. He's had more women take their clothes off in front of him than I can count. He has 2 grown sons who are VERY different from my own grown children. They weren't raised with any values whatsoever. In fact, he's a dad that goes to the mall with his sons to "check out" the hot girls or swap naked pics back & forth via email. It FLOORS me because that is so different than how I raised my children. I understand his sons are adults now and that he didn't do this when they were children... but still. He claims I'm living in a bubble not the real world. The biggest issue I think is that he appreciates a woman's beautiful form to be blunt. He's very respectful to me, of course, but I know he looks - he says that's just how he is and that he can't change... that ALL men like to look. I say that's bull crap.

He would never fit in with my circle of friends, and I don't seem to fit into his circle of friends.

It sounds like I'm putting him down, but he's been truly wonderful to me, he's faithful, loyal, sensitive, honest, hardworking, funny, intelligent, patient, and downright sexy. I know he would never do anything to hurt me and that he would be truly faithful to me IF I could commit myself to him. I just can't. I can't get past this hurdle of his past.

We have recently called it off because of our differences and MY inability to get over the fact that we're different and have very different upbringings and values. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Do I let him go knowing that we're not "right" for each other, or do I dig deep and find a way to overcome our differences. Honestly, I thought I could do that, but it's been 3 years and I'm no closer to a resolution than I was when we first started dating.

I have never been around a man like him before. I don't know if I'm truly living in a bubble or if there's truly something wrong here and I need to end it here and now despite the incredible pain I am feeling at the very thought of walking away from him and never being a part of his life again.

I thought love could conquer all, but we can't seem to get there. I want to commit to someone that I can be a soul mate with and I'm not sure how 2 different people can ever be that despite their love for each other.

I just read your post on the budget board.

After 3 years, if you haven't told him you love him, it's time to move on. If there's been no divorce in your family, are you a widow?

What he does with his adult sons at the mall is disgusting and disrespectful. Time to kick him to the curb and find someone that will treat you like you deserve.

 

[disykat]

I don't believe love is always enough. There are some circumstances that can't be overcome and it sounds to me like you're on the edge of that.

My DH and I are very different and it is difficult at times, but we love and respect each other and work through it. However, we aren't as different as you are. I think backgrounds etc. can be overcome, but when your current moral values don't match...

 

[Lots-o-Huggin]

The open marriage part would nix it for me.

 

[dismom2005]

If you can't love someone for who they truly are, then no, love will not be enough.

I don't see you ever being able to get past his "negatives" regardless of all the positives you mentioned.

 

[Alsobrook]

Hi. I'm going to be judgmental. If that bothers you...stop reading now.

Love is never enough. It's not anywhere close to being enough. There are about 3 dozen things other than love that are necessary to make a relationship work and last. Among them are some basic commonalities, communication skills, conflict resolution skills, backgrounds, beliefs, etc. Love hardly enters into the equation for most of those. Then there's honest, and respect and common goals, and common desires. Then there's compatibility in a number of arenas.

You don't love him. If you did, you'd tell him, you'd marry him or whatever, and you'd move on. You like the idea of him in many ways. You can celebrate certain differences. Others are deal breakers. Maybe he thrilled you sexually. Maybe his "difference" from you allowed you to live out your wild child fantasy. Maybe he's dirty and you're clean and the fact is, you woke up three years later and realized there's a lot you like about dirty....but you don't love it and you know it isn't right for you for the long haul. So good for you for waking up.

Ending it was a good thing. Moving on is a better thing.

Love doesn't conquer all. Especially when it isn't love. It's dirty lust and passion, but that crap doesn't sustain a relationship long term.

End of me being judgmental.

Carry on.

 

[Tuffcookie]

The open marriage part would nix it for me.

I agree. You could do much better. Don't settle.



TC

 

[violetrose]

Hi. I'm going to be judgmental. If that bothers you...stop reading now.

Love is never enough. It's not anywhere close to being enough. There are about 3 dozen things other than love that are necessary to make a relationship work and last. Among them are some basic commonalities, communication skills, conflict resolution skills, backgrounds, beliefs, etc. Love hardly enters into the equation for most of those. Then there's honest, and respect and common goals, and common desires. Then there's compatibility in a number of arenas.

You don't love him. If you did, you'd tell him, you'd marry him or whatever, and you'd move on. You like the idea of him in many ways. You can celebrate certain differences. Others are deal breakers. Maybe he thrilled you sexually. Maybe his "difference" from you allowed you to live out your wild child fantasy. Maybe he's dirty and you're clean and the fact is, you woke up three years later and realized there's a lot you like about dirty....but you don't love it and you know it isn't right for you for the long haul. So good for you for waking up.

Ending it was a good thing. Moving on is a better thing.

Love doesn't conquer all. Especially when it isn't love. It's dirty lust and passion, but that crap doesn't sustain a relationship long term.

End of me being judgmental.

Carry on.

 

[LaceyLace]

Thank you all for being honest, even though it's not what I want to hear. This is killing me to walk away. I don't want to have regrets later on in life that I threw away a good man, but I've been trying to make this work for 3 years and I still cant' seem to get over his past history.

 

[Hannathy]

Hi. I'm going to be judgmental. If that bothers you...stop reading now.

Love is never enough. It's not anywhere close to being enough. There are about 3 dozen things other than love that are necessary to make a relationship work and last. Among them are some basic commonalities, communication skills, conflict resolution skills, backgrounds, beliefs, etc. Love hardly enters into the equation for most of those. Then there's honest, and respect and common goals, and common desires. Then there's compatibility in a number of arenas.

You don't love him. If you did, you'd tell him, you'd marry him or whatever, and you'd move on. You like the idea of him in many ways. You can celebrate certain differences. Others are deal breakers. Maybe he thrilled you sexually. Maybe his "difference" from you allowed you to live out your wild child fantasy. Maybe he's dirty and you're clean and the fact is, you woke up three years later and realized there's a lot you like about dirty....but you don't love it and you know it isn't right for you for the long haul. So good for you for waking up.

Ending it was a good thing. Moving on is a better thing.

Love doesn't conquer all. Especially when it isn't love. It's dirty lust and passion, but that crap doesn't sustain a relationship long term.

End of me being judgmental.

Carry on.

I agree, and you saved me time typing.

 

[No.17CherryTreeLane]

Hi. I'm going to be judgmental. If that bothers you...stop reading now.

Love is never enough. It's not anywhere close to being enough. There are about 3 dozen things other than love that are necessary to make a relationship work and last. Among them are some basic commonalities, communication skills, conflict resolution skills, backgrounds, beliefs, etc. Love hardly enters into the equation for most of those. Then there's honest, and respect and common goals, and common desires. Then there's compatibility in a number of arenas.

You don't love him. If you did, you'd tell him, you'd marry him or whatever, and you'd move on. You like the idea of him in many ways. You can celebrate certain differences. Others are deal breakers. Maybe he thrilled you sexually. Maybe his "difference" from you allowed you to live out your wild child fantasy. Maybe he's dirty and you're clean and the fact is, you woke up three years later and realized there's a lot you like about dirty....but you don't love it and you know it isn't right for you for the long haul. So good for you for waking up.

Ending it was a good thing. Moving on is a better thing.

Love doesn't conquer all. Especially when it isn't love. It's dirty lust and passion, but that crap doesn't sustain a relationship long term.

End of me being judgmental.

Carry on.

Excellent post

 

[Hannathy]

Thank you all for being honest, even though it's not what I want to hear. This is killing me to walk away. I don't want to have regrets later on in life that I threw away a good man, but I've been trying to make this work for 3 years and I still cant' seem to get over his past history.

You may be throwing away a good man, he just isn't the right man for you. Has nothing to do with being a good man. It has all to do with being a good fit.

 

[Tiger926]

Hi. I'm going to be judgmental. If that bothers you...stop reading now.

Love is never enough. It's not anywhere close to being enough. There are about 3 dozen things other than love that are necessary to make a relationship work and last. Among them are some basic commonalities, communication skills, conflict resolution skills, backgrounds, beliefs, etc. Love hardly enters into the equation for most of those. Then there's honest, and respect and common goals, and common desires. Then there's compatibility in a number of arenas.

You don't love him. If you did, you'd tell him, you'd marry him or whatever, and you'd move on. You like the idea of him in many ways. You can celebrate certain differences. Others are deal breakers. Maybe he thrilled you sexually. Maybe his "difference" from you allowed you to live out your wild child fantasy. Maybe he's dirty and you're clean and the fact is, you woke up three years later and realized there's a lot you like about dirty....but you don't love it and you know it isn't right for you for the long haul. So good for you for waking up.

Ending it was a good thing. Moving on is a better thing.

Love doesn't conquer all. Especially when it isn't love. It's dirty lust and passion, but that crap doesn't sustain a relationship long term.

End of me being judgmental.

Carry on.

Honest and revealing, so only OP knows if this is the truth. I definitely agree that love is not enough, and in many cases, it doesn't even enter into the equation.

Best of luck OP, Tiger

 

[Sarah_Rose]

Been there, done that..... ok, but I was only 22 and we didn't last anywhere near 3 years. It was fun and it was a good relationship for me at the time..... but then I moved on and found someone that I was truly compatible with and married him.

There's nothing wrong with being involved in a "fun" relationship with someone that you're different from - I think it broadens your horizons and opens you up to new things. But if you haven't committed after 3 years, then it's just a fun relationship and you're best moving on. Love doesn't conquer all, and when you start squabbling over money and responsibilities, things will very quickly fall apart.

 

[marie1203]

DH and I are very different. We were brought up in very different situations. But we have things in common too. To me how he was raised didn't bother me because it is something he had no control over. Who he is today is what matters. With that being said it seems that morally you guys don't agree at all and I think things will never work out because you can't get pass his past. It also seems there are still huge differences in way of thinking regardless of money and other important issues to a marriage. So I do not think love is enough in this case. DH grand parents and one set of my grandparents are as different as they can I mean totally opposites and they have been married for over 50 years each but they do see face to face in important issues.

 

[LaceyLace]

You may be throwing away a good man, he just isn't the right man for you. Has nothing to do with being a good man. It has all to do with being a good fit.

Very good point. Thank you.

Someone from his "world" will be a lucky gal to have him. Unfortunately I come from a different world.

 

[Green Tea]

Did I read this in a Danielle Steele novel last summer?

 

[Lots-o-Huggin]

Did I read this in a Danielle Steele novel last summer?

It feels more like "Coming Apart" by Charles Murray. OP is from Belmont and her ex is from Fishtown. I'm sure he smokes and drinks mass produced domestic beer, too. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

 

[disneyhand]

Your instincts are telling you something, listen to them. And I think you know that already too, you just feel bad.

I'm curious how the "calling it off" part works for you, because for my friend that ended a similar sounding relationship, that's where the nice guy completely disappeared. It was amazing. She realized she had overlooked clues/ hints to the real him.

Good luck, be strong!

 

[Wishing on a star]

You need to move on.

Not just because he is 'different'.
But, because it is painfully clear that you are not comfortable with the difference in personal and moral values.

I don't just see it as 'the money', or 'the other side of the tracks'....
I see a serious and problematic difference in personal character, what one wants out of life, etc...

You can break out of that 'stiff', white-picket-fence, shell without giving up your basic moral character. You can break out of that 'stiff', white-picket-fence mold without losing who you really are inside.

The fact that you have not been able to commit or to tell him that you love him tells the true story. If you really were comfortable with 'his world'... well... Then you wouldn't be sitting where you are sitting, posting what you have just posted. Listen to your true self.. your gut...

Honestly, it sounds like, even at your age, you are living an episode of 'GREASE'. It is not unusual for women to want to break-out!!!! But, still, you need to look at why you have been willing to compromise so much to be with this man....