Is it ok to bash your spouse on the DIS?

[PrincessKsMom]

I think your (general) perspective comes from being in a happy, healthy, working marriage. Try being in the exact opposite and see how you feel about venting/bashing. Just saying. I've seen plenty of posts on the DIS about women who find out their spouse is cheating on them, is emotionally/physically absent or abusive. What's wrong with them coming here for guidance and advice? Better they should suffer alone for the sake of what others will think of you?

 

[cm8]

I voted for # 3, to each their own

 

[Arielle22]

I have no problem with venting but don't like bashing.

My husband reads the DIS so he seems whatever I write. While I don't post about him much, he knows I speak to my sisters when I am annoyed but he talks with our brother in laws about me so it is even.

I do tell him when I am annoyed but after 25 years of marriage I know that for some things we just agree to disagree. Those are the things I may vent about.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think it is subjective...
I think it depends on the couple, the situation, whether there is the possibility that things posted here will be seen by the spouse or close friends, etc...
I voted 'other'... I would have voted 'conditional', but I didn't go with the "if I really needed help" part of that one.

While I wouldn't say that I would never ever post the acronym 'DH' here on the dis, I have only done it sparingly, and in a general way.... nothing specific about any current situation... And, the people who know me on the DIS and the people who know me IRL are, as far as a I know, two completely different sets.

If I had a BFF who I thought was on the DIS, I would have to be even more careful, even about any general comment. Because in this case, even so called 'venting' might be seen by the wrong person, and could be 'bashing'.

I think one should always remember the old adage... Once something goes out over the public electronic airwaves.... you can't take it back!!!

 

[Poohforyou]

I think "bash" is a little strong for what I consider to be venting. To me if venting online or to my RL friends means I don't take my frustration out on my DH I see it as a win win.

Everyone one of us, myself included, do things that annoy other people. Not anything that is worth bring up or is that important is the scheme of things but annoying none the less.

My DH is a wonderful husband and father. He puts my and DD's happiness above his own. That doesn't mean it doesn't annoy me that 9 times out of 10 his dirty clothes wind up on the floor rather than the hamper. Most of the time I let it go but every now and then it pushes me over the edge and I need to vent.

 

[LisaR]

I am not a proponent of bashing a spouse be it on a message board or in person. I actually ended a few friendships years ago because it seemed like one giant "dump on my husband" group. I would come home mad at my own husband because I would feed off of their anger.

On the other hand, I routinely tease DH and he does the same with me. I may joke around about him on a message board. If someone doesn't get my humor they may read into it incorrectly.

 

[bumbershoot]

I don't ever * bash* DH, but I have talked about him online before, and not always in the best of lights. I've gotten great advice and help, and it's made things better. however, DH always knows what I say, since I've talked to him already about it, and he knows that I post stuff about him (not generally on the Dis, I'm not one to start many threads around here, but elsewhere).

What we do NOT believe in is talking to friends or family about our problems, because those people NEVER let it go, even after you've worked it through and have become bionic (better and stronger than before). I've gotten much better advice from strangers, online people helped us work through big problems while still engaged, than I've gotten from IRL people (other than our neutral counselor).

 

[Goofyluver]

Nope.

Anything that is important enough to upset me is something that is important enough for me to talk to her about.

 

[DaParkers]

When I got married at age 17) I remember one thing specifically that the minister told us in our premarital counseling. He said when you have an issue go to the person who can fix it. Don't go to your mom, your MIL, your friends cause they can't fix it and it will only cause bad blood. Basically you will forgive and they won't forget. We have taken that advise and it has worked for us . I don't call friends and family to talk about our problems, I go right to him.

Having said that it works for us. If others need a different outlet and it works for them it isn't my place to say. I personally wouldn't like my DH coming online to talk about me in a negative way and I wouldn't do it to him, but that is just what works for us.

I agree.

 

[pablowest]

I will never do it in my spouse because I really love my wife. My love for her has respect.

 

[bicker]

If by bash you actually mean complain about your spouse then sure, why not? It is an anonmyous message board that some use to vent. I don't see it as a big deal.

It seems that this is a tactic often used to gain ratification for one's own perspective in such a dispute, free from concern that the other side of the story will be available to those from whom ratification is being sought. As such, I don't see it as a good thing, but rather a bad thing - something that results in people digging in to what may be an unskillful decision instead of engaging in a reasonable and mature give-and-take with the other side of the issue, that could instead result in a conclusion where both sides are moved closer to a skillful decision.

 

[bicker]

I think "bash" is a little strong for what I consider to be venting.

Venting is expressions of concern directed at one's own personal predicament. "I'm so upset that I have to do all this work." Bashing is expressions of criticism directed at someone else. "I'm so upset that he is causing all this extra work I have to do."

 

[Carly_Roach]

I agree with the poster who said it's subjective. IMO it's one thing to vent occasionally to your best friend or sister about your DH's quirks that drive you crazy (like missing the laundry hamper with his clothes). But when you take it public, you're now publicly degrading him. The same rule applies to how men talk about their wives/significant others, too.

Wouldn't it tick you off to know that your DH is talking to the bowling league on Tuesday nights about how you dress nice for work but look like hell on the weekends in your sweats with no makeup? I'm sure you'd have all sorts of valid reasons for why you're dressed grubby: housework, running errands, having to deal with the children, etc. But the bowling buddies don't hear those reasons - they only hear that you're a slob on the weekends who doesn't care about her appearance and is letting herself go.

So if I don't want him doing that to me, I'm sure as heck not going to do it to him. Respect is a two-way street. My man might be a neanderthal, but he's my neanderthal and I ain't gonna talk trash about him in public. YMMV.

 

[FOCUS]

It's happened too many times where someone took what I wrote the wrong way and inferred a load of nonsense about me and my marriage.

And you are not the only one. I have seen it done many times to others. This is part of the reason that I think it is a bad idea to vent/bash on here. So many people responders don't take the time to really understand the situations and they just dispense their opinions.

It seems that this is a tactic often used to gain ratification for one's own perspective in such a dispute, free from concern that the other side of the story will be available to those from whom ratification is being sought. As such, I don't see it as a good thing, but rather a bad thing - something that results in people digging in to what may be an unskillful decision instead of engaging in a reasonable and mature give-and-take with the other side of the issue, that could instead result in a conclusion where both sides are moved closer to a skillful decision.

Another excellent point.

 

[shortbun]

So far, we have 112 responses. Any weekend DISers want to add their vote on the poll?

 

[Rora]

I might if I'm frustrated and just need to vent. I wouldn't "bash" him but just complain and ask for some advice.

 

[ilovemk76]

I feel very strongly about not bringing personal things about my spouse to any website or message board. He doesn't talk about me behind my back either. Even my friends know I don't gossip about my marriage but they are free to do it if they want to. The exception to me would be abuse and abandonment-requesting help in those issues. I am aware that I may be in a minority here. What do you think? I'm just going to read and watch the poll numbers. Thanks for your interest!!!

I agree with you.

 

[Planogirl]

I feel that marriages are different and what might be OK for one couple might not be OK for another. I don't concern myself with how people express themselves on a message board.

Usually.

 

[Lassie Lynne]

Bashing my DH...no....posting about the silly and stupid stuff he does...highly recommended reading..

 

[snapppyd]

The most I have done is complain about him snoring. No one here knows who we are so I don't consider that "bashing". I love him and he is the greatest guy in the world so I don't think a little harmless, anonymous venting hurts anyone.

If I came here and named names and talked about a really serious issue that would be wrong. Some things should be worked out in private.

So, IMO, harmless venting is OK.

Serious bashing is not OK.