Is an anniversary celebrated if a spouse passes?

[Minnesota!]

Anniversaries are between the couple....so, I would never expect anyone but me and DH to acknowledge it. If DH was no longer living, I would remember him in my own way, and toast him alone.

It is weird to me to hear about people celebrating their anniversary with other people...whether everyone is alive or not.

 

[scrhsa]

My Mom and Dad would have been married 52 yrs yesterday. I usually call her and tell her happy anniversary but the day got away from me yesterday. We remember the day but generally don't go out of our way. When she lived here we would sometimes go to one of my Dad's favorite restaurants but that's about it.

 

[smiths02]

My parents are not married. My ILs are married. We *try* to remember to acknowledge their anniversary...the problem is that May/June goes....Mother's Day, MILs bday, my DS's bday, My bday, their anniversary, DH's bday, Father's Day. I generally don't even send them a card. HOWEVER, we will do something special for their 50th (they don't want a party, so I am hoping for a family vacation-DH is an only child, so it won't be too hard). So celebrating, in our family, is something between the spouses (ILs will babysit for us as a gift, though)...

However, I wouldn't leave one of them alone on an anniversary if they didn't want to be alone (once one passes). I would think it would be a more visit the grave, have dinner, etc. NOT presents and counting the years.

 

[okeydokey]

I think she wants to celebrate, then she should. I find it weird that she expects other people to give her gifts.

A phone call from your guys or a Thinking of you card would be a nice gesture.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My MIL still actively celebrates her wedding anniversary to FIL, (who passed away 5 years ago)... like expects us to get her cards and go out for dinner and give her gifts...

Ummmm, NO...

And it isn't about the anniversary, or whether the spouse is deceased.
That really has nothing to do with it.

In fact, even now, while my DH is alive and kicking, IMHO, our anniversary is OUR anniversary.

Hearing about anyone expecting dinner, cards, and even GIFTS.
Sounds too much like self centered entitlement to me.
I wouldn't actually expect that kind of thing, whether it is Birthday, Christmas, or any other occasion.

PS: Do you get a nice dinner out, and cards, and gifts from her on your anniversary.

 

[gwynne]

.

 

[DisneyDreamer2504]

On the first anniversary after the death, I would probably send flowers. Every year after that I would prob just call to check in, maybe offer to get together or do something, just to make sure they were doing okay and help distract them. I wouldn't have helped celebrate their anniversary before, except for major years, so I see no reason to do it after someone has passed.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I guess I see this from a different perspective. My parents were married 13 years before my dad died. I feel very fortunate to have been married 35 years. I realize I've done nothing to deserve it. It's one of those random things of the universe. But, I sure don't take it for granted, either.
If a widow wanted my company (relative or not) on her anniversary, I would consider it a sweet honor to go to dinner with her. It would have nothing to do with whether I'd been "gifted" over the years or not. It would be more about understanding that widowhood is not a choice, and it's a hard adjustment.

Ohhh goodness. Here we go, again...
I never, ever, said that I would not spend time with the widow, or acknowledge the anniversary.
WTH?????????????

My post was about the 'expectation of everything, including gifts, that the OP seemed to indicate.

And, in fact, I was very clear about that.
I said that this had nothing to do with the particular occasion or whether the spouse was deceased.

 

[Julylady]

I have never in my entire adult life given an "anniversary" gift to someone with the exception of a couple of 50th wedding celebrations. I also don't send out anniversary cards.

 

[smiths02]

I have never in my entire adult life given an "anniversary" gift to someone with the exception of a couple of 50th wedding celebrations. I also don't send out anniversary cards.

I have also never given an anniversary gift to anyone other than my spouse. Even the 50th wedding parties we attended, specifically said "no gifts." However, for DH's parents, since they don't want a party (and I would expect children to pay for some of the party), we'll get them something.

 

[lovemygoofy]

O.K., this sounds weird, but do you celebrate a wedding anniversary if a spouse passes away?

My MIL still actively celebrates her wedding anniversary to FIL, (who passed away 5 years ago)... like expects us to get her cards and go out for dinner and give her gifts...

I thought that if a spouse passes away that you kinda stop adding years to your years wed? Like they were married for 33 years, this year we will celebrate their 38th anniversary... is that odd or is it me?

I guess it wouldn't feel so weird to me if the same was maybe reciprocated back, like DH and I have never gone to dinner with her, gotten (or expected) gifts or a card...

Just wondering how other people would view this?

How incredibly sad I feel for your MIL. To think how lonely she is without her husband and love of her life and maybe even her best friend. Yes it's been five years but grieving can last forever. I think I would try whatever I could to bring her some comfort especially on that special day. I imagine seeing your husband on that day is a reaffirmation for her of the love that they shared by seeing their child. I have friends that have lost their husbands in this time of war. I try to remember to send them cards on what would have been his birthday, the day he died and their anniversary if I know it. Those are/were milestones for those alive and those that died and I think it is nice to show that someone else still cares and remembers.

 

[HM]

How incredibly sad I feel for your MIL. To think how lonely she is without her husband and love of her life and maybe even her best friend. Yes it's been five years but grieving can last forever. I think I would try whatever I could to bring her some comfort especially on that special day. I imagine seeing your husband on that day is a reaffirmation for her of the love that they shared by seeing their child. I have friends that have lost their husbands in this time of war. I try to remember to send them cards on what would have been his birthday, the day he died and their anniversary if I know it. Those are/were milestones for those alive and those that died and I think it is nice to show that someone else still cares and remembers.

So you think that she deserves to get taken to dinner and get a card and gift, as she expects?

 

[disneyhand]

My dad passed away in November and my parents 61st wedding anniversary would have been in June. I searched hard for an appropriate card and brought it over for mom. My sister and I took her to mass and then out to breakfast with another sister and a nephew joining us there. Another nephew came by the house with his wife and their new baby boy. My sister planned to take her to the cemetery later, but by then mom was too tired. They went the next day instead. Mom said how we celebrated the day meant a lot to her and was comforting. My mom is 93 and I & my siblings would do pretty much anything for her. Every person/ family is different, this was just our way of acknowledging them, him and our combined loss. We make our own rules about celebrations to fit and accomodate our situation. For as long as I have left with my mom, I will do what ever she'd like on their anniversary.

 

[NotUrsula]

Commemorate is more the thing, I would think. But she's probably very lonely on that day, so something special is a nice gesture from their son. In my family we kids do make it a point to do a little something for our parents on their anniversary. Only a 25th or a 50th is a big deal, though.

 

[TheDisneyDoll]

just think of it more as her celebrating the time she had with him. Loss is incredibly difficult to handle and everyone deals with it differently. I think everyone who's lost something knows how the pain echoes through the years especially on these kinds of occasions. The cards might make her feel better, and going to dinner gives her a reason to be with the people she loves.
My heart hurts for her because these must be years she imagined him being by her side.

 

[lovemygoofy]

So you think that she deserves to get taken to dinner and get a card and gift, as she expects?

I think she is probably very very lonely and I don't see how doing something like inviting her for dinner or getting her a card is really that wrong.

 

[gwynne]

Ohhh goodness. Here we go, again...
I never, ever, said that I would not spend time with the widow, or acknowledge the anniversary.
WTH?????????????

My post was about the 'expectation of everything, including gifts, that the OP seemed to indicate.

And, in fact, I was very clear about that.
I said that this had nothing to do with the particular occasion or whether the spouse was deceased.

The "gift" wouldn't make me angry.
I'd stop by the nursery and pick up a pretty potted plant or the florist for flowers. I would do it anyway (and have), so it's NBD.
I generally don't buy a separate card when I do this, I just pick up one of the small enclosure cards from the florist or nursery. I'll write something like with love or thinking of you as appropriate.

 

[NMAmy]

So you think that she deserves to get taken to dinner and get a card and gift, as she expects?

"Deserve" is kind of a strange way to put it. The OP knows her MIL best but I would think my MIL and my mom would deserve it if it made the day easier for either of them to handle.

 

[gwynne]

"Deserve" is kind of a strange way to put it. The OP knows her MIL best but I would think my MIL and my mom would deserve it if it made the day easier for either of them to handle.

You said it perfectly. That's exactly how I look at it, too.
It's a bittersweet day. Making it a bit easier is a kind thing to do.

 

[NFLDERS]

I lost my husband of 30 years three years ago later this week. I do not celebrate or have my children celebrate our wedding anniversary. It would just not seem right but that is my personal opinion based on my own experience.