In laws and Facebook

[tlbwriter]

How can I distance myself even more in this situation? She will be at the family Christmas's at the parents and grandparents houses. Do I just avoid going there? Send dh by himself? He will refuse to go if I don't go......but I don't think I can handle being around her anymore. She made her feelings pretty clear about us last night. I don't feel right by refusing and then dh staying home too and missing out with his parents.

If your husband decides not to go, that is HIS decision. Don't let him blame you if he decides not to go.

 

[Alsobrook]

I have considered deleting my FB, however dh and I both have family all over the world (military families) and this is how we all keep in contact. It has brought me a lot closer to some members of my family, as well as his. I can also see my nieces and nephews who are in Germany and keep in contact with them and be close to them. They are always chatting with me and sending me stuff and asking for help/advise on issues in the teen world!

Your choice.

Doesn't have to be that way. You don't need Facebook to do any of the things that you want to do.

Just sayin'

 

[Miz Diz]

Even if you block this person, once you have a photo and the inlaw is tagged in the photo, that photo is now on inlaws page and the blocked person can see the photos.

I would unfriend the inlaw and anyone else friends with this person. With the last change, I can see posts of people I do not know or are not friends with on fb because one of my friends has commented on a photo or post of theirs. So the person you are avoiding may be able to see some things of yours if inlaws comment on them, too.

Another thing you can do, if you do not want to unfriend is set your privacy on your photos for only friends, except inlaws. The inlaws will not see your photos and not know that you posted them, so can't tag themselves. Of course, I am not sure what happens if another relative comments on the photo with these recent changes.

Anytime fb makes changes, check your settings. I refuse to be fb friends with my mil. I had everything set to "friends only" and my mil slipped up and mentioned something to me about a posting on my wall. My settings had somehow reverted to friends of friends. She said she wished she hadn't slipped up because she didn't want me to change my settings back.

 

[okeydokey]

So your in-laws treat your DHs first child well, but treat the child you have together like she doesn't exist? I think this is where the true problem lies.

Disengage, see them only when you have to and then be polite and aloof if your DH still wants you to go to these functions. Living a happy life is the best "revenge" against hateful people.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Your choice.

Doesn't have to be that way. You don't need Facebook to do any of the things that you want to do.

Just sayin'

THIS.....

One can't live in an 'electronic' glass house, and expect to have any control over what others see, say, do.

There are many other options that can be used to stay in contact with those you love and trust and CHOOSE to share the info/photos/etc. with.

Leaving FB probably would feel like being sent away from the popular kids table in Junior High. And, in reality, that is exactly the kind of mean-girl drama that a venue like facebook allows and encourages.... with NO respite, privacy, personal boundaries, etc....

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, your husband's choices about his relationship with his family are his....

Your choices and personal boundaries are yours.

Let him him know right away that you are not going to be responsible ( therefore, to BLAME ) for his choices and his relationship with his family.

As long as he is putting you as first priority, there is no reason why he can't have a relationship with them, spend time with them.

Let him know your new status-quo re: boundaries...
And then tell him he is free to figure out he HE wants to go from there.

Just don't fall into the trap of being BLAMED.

If he feels that you are the reason that he is separated from his family (especially if this also involves his mother), he WILL resent you for that.
That could come out at a later time, and never, ever, really be said or verbalized.

Your choices are to either:
1. Go when absolutely necessary and remain 'quiet but cordial'...
2. Decide that it is just not right/healthy... and do not go at all... but encourage your DH to make his own choices.

Again, I would NOT let a person like this use FaceBook to take any control or have any negative influence over me.

 

[need2cruise]

All responses are great! Stuff I know, but need to hear from someone else!

I already go to the family things for dh and stay cordial but also help out when needed and stick near hubby or the kids. I will play, color, etc with them and keep them entertained. I tell dh, at least they want me around so I guess that is where you will find me! Now, I don't even feel like making that appearances. I hate that fake feeling! I go back and forth with the advise of letting things go and making peace so that there are no regrets if something should ever happen or the advise of living drama free and avoiding people that bring me down. The two just don't feel like they can go hand in hand in this situation!

I know dh backs me up on this. It isn't all just me. I think her resentment and anger at him is more directed at me since I am not true family. It's easier to see me as the enemy and target me vs him since family is so hammered into them when they were growing up. We've seen a similar situation play out with the other sister and her dh.

I do not plan on friending her again on FB. It's over and done and I can just avoid all that now without being the bad guy!

 

[marcemc]

okay, in-law issues aside....
I just don't do facebook.

Those who choose to live in glass houses....

Also, i think it has been shown time and time again that one can have no guarantee of security or privacy or control with facebook. That's just the way it is.
That is the way the powers at be want it, designed it, and it will always be that way.

I wouldn't be putting myself and my personal info/photos/etc out there on facebook..... Wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole.
To many horror stories.

+ 1

 

[need2cruise]

So your in-laws treat your DHs first child well, but treat the child you have together like she doesn't exist? I think this is where the true problem lies.

Disengage, see them only when you have to and then be polite and aloof if your DH still wants you to go to these functions. Living a happy life is the best "revenge" against hateful people.

The issues first started before my dd was born, however they have progressed. It used to really bother us how different dd was treated, however, we have recently come to terms with it and it's the biggest reason we have already been keeping a wide distance from his family and only making appearances on occassions where it would create a bigger drama if we didn't show. Now that the kids are old enough to see things and question, it's about limiting the time they are subjected to it. The final straw came when we were all somewhere and introductions were being made and it was--this is my son--X and his child Y. No mention of me or dd who were standing there too. Dh said--and this is my wife and my other child Z. Then SIL made a comment one time about having all her nieces and nephews staying the night and having an outdoor movie night. She invited Y but not Z and made sure to invite all the sisters kids. So really, she meant all the kids but Z. Z's feelings were very hurt. Wide circle and limited contact began.

 

[Katy Belle]

The issues first started before my dd was born, however they have progressed. It used to really bother us how different dd was treated, however, we have recently come to terms with it and it's the biggest reason we have already been keeping a wide distance from his family and only making appearances on occassions where it would create a bigger drama if we didn't show. Now that the kids are old enough to see things and question, it's about limiting the time they are subjected to it. The final straw came when we were all somewhere and introductions were being made and it was--this is my son--X and his child Y. No mention of me or dd who were standing there too. Dh said--and this is my wife and my other child Z. Then SIL made a comment one time about having all her nieces and nephews staying the night and having an outdoor movie night. She invited Y but not Z and made sure to invite all the sisters kids. So really, she meant all the kids but Z. Z's feelings were very hurt. Wide circle and limited contact began.

Wow. Yeah, seems like it's time to lay down the law and have everyone treated like family, or cut all ties. Your DH could have a talk with his parents and sister and tell them how hurt he, and his family, are by this. Then give them a chance, if they want it, to improve. If not, then off you go.

 

[okeydokey]

The issues first started before my dd was born, however they have progressed. It used to really bother us how different dd was treated, however, we have recently come to terms with it and it's the biggest reason we have already been keeping a wide distance from his family and only making appearances on occassions where it would create a bigger drama if we didn't show. Now that the kids are old enough to see things and question, it's about limiting the time they are subjected to it. The final straw came when we were all somewhere and introductions were being made and it was--this is my son--X and his child Y. No mention of me or dd who were standing there too. Dh said--and this is my wife and my other child Z. Then SIL made a comment one time about having all her nieces and nephews staying the night and having an outdoor movie night. She invited Y but not Z and made sure to invite all the sisters kids. So really, she meant all the kids but Z. Z's feelings were very hurt. Wide circle and limited contact began.

This is ridiculous. Both children belong to her brother. The only difference is who the Mom is and you said she can't stand the Mom of the oldest. Why would she treat that child so much better? In my house both children would be off limits to her.

 

[Goofycampers]

It sounds to me like you have tried everything reasonable to avoid drama. Sometimes when it comes to in laws that's the best you can do, then it's time to walk away. Don't engage her in any of it. I tried for years with my husbands mother and then I had had enough. I completely leave any communication to him. If I were you I'd tell her why you untagged the pics and if she didn't like it tough. You have the right to have fb to enjoy for your out of town family members without her spoiling it. Doesn't sound like you're gonna make her happy no matter what you do.

 

[Wadecool]

Well at least it's not just me that has this problem!!

FMIL has friended, unfriended, refriended and all this over again everytime she gets a little crazy in her head. If I don't answer within 10 minutes or ignore something she writes she goes nuts and asks if I'm mad, or tells me if I wanted to be left alone to say so... etc etc--crazy.

I have a sister who does similar things. She bipolar and you can actually see her emotional roller coaster by her status updates, photos she posts, etc. I try and ignore it but she really embarrasses our mom with the crap she posts.

 

[Benducci]

You can set your privacy settings so that you have to give permission in order to be tagged. You used to eb able to say that you can't be tagged at any time but that changed. I would change your settings and block this person.

 

[brookmey]

The issues first started before my dd was born, however they have progressed. It used to really bother us how different dd was treated, however, we have recently come to terms with it and it's the biggest reason we have already been keeping a wide distance from his family and only making appearances on occassions where it would create a bigger drama if we didn't show. Now that the kids are old enough to see things and question, it's about limiting the time they are subjected to it. The final straw came when we were all somewhere and introductions were being made and it was--this is my son--X and his child Y. No mention of me or dd who were standing there too. Dh said--and this is my wife and my other child Z. Then SIL made a comment one time about having all her nieces and nephews staying the night and having an outdoor movie night. She invited Y but not Z and made sure to invite all the sisters kids. So really, she meant all the kids but Z. Z's feelings were very hurt. Wide circle and limited contact began.

How awful for your DD! Poor thing, that's terrible to be treated like that by your family.

My in-laws are similar, though not that obvious. The stand we've had to take is that DH, DD, DS and I are a package. If you choose to ignore one of us or treat one of us like we don't exist, then you lose all of us.

I would encourage you to seriously reconsider having any of your in-laws in your life. It is simply not fair or right for your DD to be subjected to such obvious favoritism. It's also possible that this treatment could lead to resentment or competitive issues between your DD and her sibling. Maybe not since you're already limiting contact, but when it comes to kids it should be equal treatment for all and they definitely don't forget it when they're the one excluded.