I'm going to vent about this one more time and then I'm done, I promise.

[jenrose66]

I'm really having major problems with DH. I just don't know what to do. I am seriously thinking about a divorce or seperation because I don't see any resolution to this. He does not want marriage counseling.

Me and DH don't believe in daycare, because of this we decided one of us would stay at home. I made considerable more money than DH but he made enough for us to get by if I quit my job. So...stupid, hormonal, new mom me gave up my job.

DH works for a family business. They do nothing but screw him. He was promised a raise if he took a certification test. Everyone where he works has been taking these tests (there are 8 of them) and every time you pass you get a $20 a week raise. So DH passes his test and weeks go by and there was no talk of a raise. He finally asked about it and his grandfather said that since insurance is so expensive, he wasn't getting the raise. Now, everyone gets their insurance paid for. Everyone has taken these tests and gotten their raises. DH finally takes a test and he gets no raise.

I think DH needs to quit this job. He was offered a better job that paid more money. He took the job but his mom died and he said that he just couldn't leave the family. They show him no respect...I don't believe he owes them anything.

We are expected to see these people at family gatherings on a weekly basis. Everyone acts like everything is fine...but it's not.

I have chest pain over this. I am just so mad that DH won't stand up for himself. I am planning on going back to work. I have 4 interviews lined up. 2 for North Carolina and 2 for here. The jobs here provide close to what I used to be making. My DH says he will quit his job if I get a new job.

What is bothering me is that I don't ever want to see his family again. I think they are horrible people and I can't stand them. If they can't take care of their own son/grandson why should he act like everything is ok with them outside of business hours.

They hate me because they think I'm a trouble maker. DH said he doesn't like conflict and that is why he won't defend me.

These issues have been going on for 6 years and I'm tired of it. If he doesn't want to work on this marriage maybe it's time to leave. I feel like if we stay where we live and I get a job I will be very resentful towards DH because he will want to keep contact with his family and I can't stand them.

 

[Buckalew11]

I remember your posts from before. I am sorry you are faced with this situation. I have nothing to offer but hugs because this is a very serious situation--not one to fool around with on a message board IMHO. I think you all could use counseling. You have a child involved now, this is a complicated situation. Hugs to you and good luck.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

 

[diznygirl]

I had a friend who was in your same situation. He finally quit - things got even worse for awhile as his dad retaliated but refusing to give money owed, etc. But now he has a better job and things aren't as tense with the family.

There can be a light at the end of tunnel.....

 

[JadenLayne]

We had a similar situation when DH and I were first married. His family hated me and I didn't like them because of the way they had treated DH in the past and were treating him then. Well it took ONE time of them treating our DS (about 5 at the time) that way for me to say that's it!

Luckily DH agreed and we broke ties with them completely.

A few years ago after a death in the family DH's parent both came and apologized to both of us, admitted that they were wrong and asked us for another chance to be in our lives and their grandson's. We agreed and so far it's gone good. They couldn't be nicer and have come a really really long way!

I'm happy things have turned out this way for DH and I hope it stays this way. DH tells me so much that I'm the only person in his life that has never hurt him. That makes me HURT FOR HIM!

 

[4eyedbuzzard]

I remember your posts from before. I am sorry you are faced with this situation. I have nothing to offer but hugs because this is a very serious situation--not one to fool around with on a message board IMHO. I think you all could use counseling. You have a child involved now, this is a complicated situation. Hugs to you and good luck.

Sorry, way OT, but "Buckalew" caught my eye as I have relatives in NJ with that surname. Small world.

OP, "to thine own self be true". Your life is no less important than your DH's. Sounds like you have to make a stand, painful as that may turn out to be. Counseling might help if you can get DH to go.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru!!!

It sounds like your DH has never put you 'first' and has never cut the apron strings. I am speaking from experience here. Married to a man who is an only child who's whole world began and ended with his Dad. I was expected to just swallow it and suffer and do without.

Any husband should be able to put his wife and his child before anyone else. Especially his parents. Unfortunately, if your DH continues to put his dad first, then you really cannot change that.

In my case, I finally decided that I simply could not swallow any more. HIs dad hated me and was adversarial and verbally abusive. I told my DH that "Never again would I see his father and subject myself to that kind of treatment".

If my DH, and yours, wish to have a relationship with their family, then that is all well and good. You should not have anything to say about that. But, you can, and should, draw your own boundaries.

Either your husband is more committed to providing an acceptable living for his son and his wife, or he is committed to his father.

I would find a job far enough away that your DH would have to finally make his choice. You, or his dad. You will then have the answer that you need. I think it will be the answer that you are hoping for. But, if it is not, then you will at least be able to come to resolution and move forward.

 

[roseprincess]

OP, sorry you are going thru this, but it doesn't sound so bad to me, as of finances. Is the free health insurance for just him only or does the free health insurance cover you and your child/children, too? If all of you are getting free family health insurance, sounds like you got it made, even without the raise, really.

My DH works for a small company, not our family, but kinda a family company. The owners look out for their own family that work there, not the other employees. We pay out of my DH's paycheck over $1000/month for a family of 4 health insurance And the company DH works for had a lot of layoffs the past few months. Thank God my DH didn't get laid off, but he had to take a cut in salary to keep his job.

So whatever your DH didn't get as a raise, the free health coverage makes up for it IMO

Just be blessed he has a job.
Hoping things get better in your marriage

 

[mommasita]

 

[disykat]

I have somewhat similar inlaw circumstances. In my case, I am the bad guy because I kept my dh from going into the family business.

I have something for you to think about when you think about divorce. It sounds like you love your dh and really your issue is this problem with him and his family.

The problems with him and his family will continue whether or not you are married to him. You will continue to see these people at special occasions in your kid's lives. You will have less "say" about how involved they are in your kid's lives. Your dh will be even less likely to stand up for himself (and definately not for you!) with you out of the picture and it will directly affect your kid's financial future.

I'm not saying to stay with your dh only because of this issue, but rather to think about whether leaving him for only this issue will really solve any of your problems.

If he continues to refuse counseling etc. I can see where you may have to do it. Then it becomes more of a "he is refusing to work on our marriage" issue than a "we have severe inlaw problems" issue. Thankfully my dh went to counseling with me and they helped him see how the two of us need to be the decision making unit and he was allowing his family to get in the middle of that.

It sounds to me like the ray of hope is that your dh says he will quit his job if you get one. He must recognize what this is doing to your family.

We live away from dh's family and although dh and the kids still see them quite often, I have very little contact with them. Can you extract yourself from the family visits? Although our situation isn't ideal, I believe we are all much happier when just dh and the kids visit them. DH and I sat down and laid out the rules for how we could handle it. We don't spend holidays with family, for example. The times I do see them are the big events I'd probably be seeing them at even if we had split.

If you think about it, I stayed with dh, but divorced his family.

 

[Wishing on a star]

We had a similar situation when DH and I were first married. His family hated me and I didn't like them because of the way they had treated DH in the past and were treating him then. Well it took ONE time of them treating our DS (about 5 at the time) that way for me to say that's it!

Luckily DH agreed and we broke ties with them completely.

Wow!!!! That is EXACTLY how it happened with me.

The day I took a stand was the day I saw my precious little son affected.
If I so choose to be 'screwed' and to suck it up, as I did for years, then fine.
But, no way in he!! was I going to watch my son be affected.

I told my DH, and I quote: "The next time I see you put your parents wishes above your son's and my needs, you can just pack your bags and go move in with them."

To the OP... when your DH decides that things that he could/should be providing for his son, and that his son's needs are less important than providing slave labor for his dad, I suspect that this would be the day that you gain the strength to make a stand.

 

[disneymom3]

They hate me because they think I'm a trouble maker. DH said he doesn't like conflict and that is why he won't defend me.

This is the red flag line for me. What do they do or say that your DH does not defend against? As for the counseling, if you said to your DH "Either we go to counseling or we get divorced." Would he seriously refuse to go? If so, bye bye, but I really wonder if it would come to that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I am not advocating divorce at all.
Hopefully it would never come down to that.

However, I have to say that, if the husband chooses to place his loyalty with his father instead of his wife, then this DOES justify divorce.

And, yes, it will solve the in-law problems.

Sure, her husband will have some visitation. But she will NEVER have to see these people again. Save for a few major occasions, such as weddings etc... That is MUCH preferable to having to see them and kiss their behinds EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND, to the point that you can hardly develop your own life.

If it does come down to divorce, then the OP can move forward. She can live her life free of the control that her husand is allowing his father to have over her and her family.

 

[Wishing on a star]

This is the red flag line for me. What do they do or say that your DH does not defend against?

I agree. This is a huge red flag.

DH allowed his father to berate and to verbally abuse me. He didn't want conflict with is dad, so he watched me being subjected to that. He never ever said a word. He never even apologized to me after the fact.

Huge red flag.

No man should let his wife be taking the heat.

 

[Missy Mouse]

Sometimes you just have to let him see what he will lose. Sooner or later he will realize if you're serious about leaving he will have no one who is there for him, no one who respects him or shows him love. Family can't take care of his needs the way a wife can. And if he could leave you over them, it's not the kind of strong marriage a woman deserves.

 

[babytrees]

This is the red flag line for me. What do they do or say that your DH does not defend against?

I agree. This is a huge red flag. DH allowed his father to berate and to verbally abuse me. He didn't want conflict with is dad, so he watched me being subjected to that. He never ever said a word. He never even apologized to me after the fact.

Huge red flag.

No man should let his wife be taking the heat.

Exactly!! I finally told my husband (it was my MIL that was doing the verbal abuse) the next time it happened that he had a choice to be quiet (again) or stand up and come home.

My MIL still doesn't like me but my husband talked to her before she could do it again and she hasn't done it.

I feel bad for IL's they are missing out on 2 great grandkids and their oldest son because of the way they play favorites.......their loss not mine.


I have read your other threads and you have a long row to hoe. and prayers for you.

 

[lovemygoofy]

You need to move away. I also would not be happy about my husband not standing up for me but honestly it sounds like it's outside that is getting in your marriage. If that is the problem, then it's time to change the location. Your husband also needs to realize that you and the baby should be his first priority when it comes to family. However, I seem to think that this is about alot more than that 80 bucks a week.

You started out saying that you made alot more money than your husband but you quit because to be a SAHM. Do you regret your decision? That doesn't make you a bad mom if you do. I'm sure you are feeling the money crunch a bit after going from two incomes to one. It really sounds like there is alot more than just his family issues you are dealing with. Is there a trusted friend of family member who could keep the baby a few hours a week instead of using day care? I hope you figure out your problems but I would think before I would divorce my husband, I would move from my inlaws.

 

[Youarehere]

They hate me because they think I'm a trouble maker. DH said he doesn't like conflict and that is why he won't defend me.

To me, that is a dealbreaker. He needs to stand up for you, even if he won't stand up for himself. Good luck...

 

[Luv'sTink]

I guess what I don't understand is why you cant or wont stand up for yourself? You know he doesn't want to do it but you don't care how he feels either.

My DH hates confrontation too and I never asked him to stand up to his father for me, I did it myself. I would never tell my husband it is your family or me unless they did something directly to my son. When I stood up to my father in law it all stopped, he realized I was not going to take it and he backed off.

Your DH works for his family, why cant work time be work time and family time be family time? It's because you want to say something so just say it and be done with it.

Your going to divorce your husband because he wont stand up for you and you wont even stand up for you, that makes no sense to me.

Let the flames begin!

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I feel bad for IL's they are missing out on 2 great grandkids and their oldest son because of the way they play favorites.......their loss not mine.

this sounds all too familiar. Isn't it sad how this happens in families....