If you're paying your child's college tuition, how much say do you have?

[BriarfoxinWA]

Our oldest DS went through a period in high school where he did not want to go to college AT ALL. So we gathered information on trades schools for him. As a Junior he decided he wanted to go and major in Criminal Justice. I helped him get information on different schools in state (he had no desire to go out of state). He really made the decision himself, although I did stear him toward a school that has a better reputation and is a little cheaper than what he was originally looking at. By the time he graduate high school he had decided he was interested in going to Law School. He'll be a Junior in college this fall and has been on the Dean's list all last year. I'm paying his tuition, books, and rent - he works all summer to pay for gas and food (and will pay his books if he can). We are really proud of him and I've told him even if he doesn't end up going to law school, he's doing so good! Honestly I don't care what he majors in - I know in the real world it's the fact that he will have a 4 year degree in something that is important.

 

[Tbasko]

When my son started college in the fall last year he was an engineering major on a ROTC scholarship. When he starts school this fall, he will be working towards a degree in Global Marketing and paying for school himself. We pay for his room and board and incidentals. He worked two jobs for 4 months to save money to pay for his tuition. I'm just glad he found out sooner rather than later that engineering was not what he wanted to do.

 

[eliza61]

Our kids have had career assessment surveys done since middle school. They are usually a questionnaire that will ask which of these 4 things do you enjoy most type deal and have maybe 50 questions along those lines. They then get a print out of 30 or so possible careers they may enjoy. They did this in 7th grade, 9th grade and I think again in 11th grade.

I think what happens with some parent is that the kids get the assessment and let's say if the kid is artistic, parents freak and start pushing because in the parents mind "artist" or "teachers" don't make a good salary.

The opposite also happens where kids are pushed into egineering majors, simply because the parent feels a scientist or an engineer will make more money.

 

[scottishduffy]

My husbands Mother tried to do this to him. It seriously strained their relationship.

DH's Mother was paying for his college education. However, she got angry when DH began to seriously date me. We met freshman year, he took me to meet his mother that summer. At the start of sophomore year his mother declared that men his age should not seriously date anybody. She demanded he dump me immediately or she would pull all his college money. She said I had wrecked his life because he was not on Dean's List.

We called her bluff. We both got jobs and I tutored DH and got him into the Dean's list. It put a really bitter taste in DH's mouth. He finished college and she did still continue with tuition assistance. She only yanked funding for the one semester.

She did the same thing when we married 6 years later. MIL had always said all along she would pay for a Master's degree for DH. She didn't have to, but for the past 6 years she had always said she wanted him to get a Master's and would pay for it. Of course, she was also still angry about my existence.

He got accepted and registered for the Masters Program. It was due to start 4 weeks after we married. His mother once again said getting married would ruin his life and he would never be able to accomplish his goals because of me. So, with all classes registered for she cancelled her payment 2 days before the start of classes and said "See! I told you getting married would wreck your life!'" We had savings and scrambled around for financial aid and he still went. But once again DH was extremely angry over her trying to use money as such a power play.

Come graduation time, MIL wanted to brag about her son, her son banned her from his graduation. She found a way into the graduation anyway and DH spent the whole ceremony dodging her because he didn't want her to have the satisfaction of a picture of him in his cap and gown. Petty, I know. But it was the one small thing he could think of to make his point! To make her point known, she gave him a very nice watch that was worth the exact same amount of his student loans.

MIL is currently in a tizzy over my Master's degree. Asking him why he supports me through college and begging him to leave me because he won't be a 'real man' if I make more money than him.

 

[golfgal]

Your parents obviously didn't live in the school district I grew up in...high school music teachers made great money, especially the department chair...he got a pay bump for being chair plus got extra money for running the extra ciricular activities like the yearly musical and the show choir. He lived on the same street I did and he had the biggest house in a neighborhood of big houses! This guy (and his wife, who taught music in the jr. high) did not hurt for money!

Anyway, as far as my own kids are concerned, unless they come up with a really stupid major (say vocal music -fine on it's own-...but my child was tone-deaf!) then all I'll do is give my opinion and then get out of the way. I'll only write the check if I see the grades and am happy with them, though. And I'm paying for tuition/room/board but not books, fees, supplies, cars, spending money, etc. I want their focus to be school but a part time job never hurt anyone.

Your point is??? So what if he got paid extra for doing all those things, he was working probably 80 hours/week doing that too? . It could also be that they were good with money. Knowing what our band directors get as a stipend for marching band it works out to be about $.64/hour and that is just for the time during the marching season when they are in practice or holding music testing. That doesn't account for any of the prep time off season writing music, drills, tryouts, etc.

 

[RitaE]

Well now I feel like a real schmuck. Yep - I did have a say. My son went into college not really knowing what he wanted to study and his Father and I were fine with that. He took all the general stuff his first two years and actually did much better than we thought he would given his High School track record. So Junior year came around this year and he really needed to get serious about a Major and he came up with History and I did this



and yeah I said the words "I'm not paying $40,000 a year for you to be no more employable than what you were with the High School diploma."

So we met with an adviser and came up with a plan where he is pretty much dual majoring in Social Work and History. I'm better with that. I don't care whether or not he gets a high paying job after college but this is not an insignificant investment on my part. I do care that the money is spent thoughtfully with a goal in mind.

There actually wouldn't be all that many degrees that I wouldn't pay for, I didn't force him into one specific career but I did force him to realize that if he wanted to spend my money it would be spent for skill development. He loves History I get that. But if his major goal is simply to read History books then that really can be done for much, much cheaper.

 

[Jeafl]

I don't think parents should dictate their child's major, but they should be allowed to give their opinion.

My best friend has a son who is 25 and just graduated from college in May. He changed majors THREE times which put him way behind, and after 7 years of college ended up with a "general education" degree. He is now working as an entry level technician for Comcast.

I told my kids they can pick what they want, but they had better make it their business to choose well, because I am not paying for 7 years of college because they keep changing their mind.

My daughter started out in pre-med, but then switched to psychology. I had no problem with that because the classes that she had taken could go either way.

My son is going into engineering and he has already taken 4 years of engineering classes in high school. He is positive that is what he wants to do so I am breathing a sigh of relief.

 

[MrsPete]

I'm not with the crowd here . . . I do think that kids -- and that's exactly what they still are when they're making their initial decisions about where to go to school and what to study -- need guidance in making these choices.

It's all well and good to say, "Just do what makes you happy", but a child who graduates with a degree that doesn't lead to a decent paycheck isn't going to be happy with his life. As much as he may love music, psychology, art history, or whatever, and as much fun as that degree may've been to earn, if he can't find a job, he's going to be disappointed. And once the college money's gone, it's going to be more difficult to go back and pick up a more profitable degree.

Don't twist that into an extreme "do something you hate just because it pays well." All of us are good at multiple things, and all of us could be successful in a variety of jobs. I want my girls to choose something that's within their ability range, something they'd enjoy, AND something that's reasonably going to support them and their future families.

Here's an example of how you can walk a moderate line -- somewhere in between the overly idealistic "just follow your heart" and "pay is the most important thing":

I know a young lady who loves high school band. Band IS her life, and she wants to earn a degree in music and a teaching degree so that she can become a high school band director. Her mom knows this is an unreasonable choice: In our rather large county we have only six people employed in this job (and that's between all the high schools and middle schools), and they've ALL been in those jobs for years and years -- they know it's a coveted job, and if they leave, they'll probably never be able to get in again. We also live near a major university, and we almost always have a student teacher in the band department -- MANY people want this job. So for her to get a job as a high school band director, someone would have to retire AND she'd have immense competition from all the other qualified band-directors-in-waiting. She and I talked about it two weeks ago, and I drew out some numbers: How many high school math teachers are there in the county? How many elementary teachers? How many band directors? On paper, she SAW that her chances of getting that job are miniscule. So we talked about other things that can be done with a music degree -- not much. Performance? Not in this area. Church music? She loves that, but it's usually a part-time job at best. She thought her mom was unreasonable, but as we looked at numbers, and she thought about all the student teachers she's had in band . . . she knew I was right. And we talked about the idea of a teaching degree (in English, math, science, history, world language -- the subjects that're in demand) AND ALSO minoring in music. This'd make her qualified for the dream job, IF it ever comes available, AND ALSO gives her a solid degree that'll really get her a job and a paycheck. She can work at what's available, and IF that dream job comes along, WONDERFUL. But in the meantime, she won't be checking groceries and giving music lessons on the side while her degree gathers dust. She's chewing on those thoughts right now.

I'm also going to face this problem with my youngest child, who loves to draw and says she wants to be a comic book artist. Two problems: She has only moderate talent, and a huge percentage of the kids in the advanced art classes in my high school want to be comic book artists. It's not a job that she's likely to get. She's in middle school, though, and we're looking for what she'd be really good at. I've seen a knack for business in her since she was a small child, but she hates math (and isn't good at that one subject), and I don't think she has the necessary personality for business. Oh, and her back up plan -- if the comic book thing doesn't work out -- rock star (never mind that she doesn't play an instrument).

So, in closing, I disagree with the majority here. I think college students need some guidance in choosing something that they'll enjoy BUT will ALSO pay the bills. It's not about having a bigger house and fancier vacations: it's about being able to find a job after graduation, a job in your field that'll be profitable.

Also, I think it's perfectly reasonable to put limits on what you're able /willing to pay. We've been telling our kids for years that we can afford to pay four years at a state school -- that gives them a wide variety of options. More than that is beyond our ability to pay. And we'll be on the semester plan: We'll pay for semester 1, and when we see good grades and a progression towards graduation, then we'll write checks for semester 2.

 

[Pigeon]

Our deal is we pay for 4 years. Anything else is their problem.

I've got one niece who went to a very expensive school majoring in Party Studies. My brother and SIL are pretty indulgent, and didn't bat an eye when she dumped a bunch of classes for lack of effort. However, they have two other kids and told her up front that they'd only pay for 4 years.

But niece was absolutely stunned when "graduation" came around and she couldn't graduate that her parents weren't sending her back for year 5. She just finished up the missing credits at a local communty college three years later.

 

[Pakey]

When our oldest son went off to college, we were appalled at his choice of a major. We paid anyway but we grumbled at home between the two of us about what a waste of money it was for us to send him to an expensive college and have him major in cinematography, which to us meant pre-unemployment.

He's 35 now and has been quite successful and loves his career. Lesson learned.

 

[klacey1]

My parents wanted it both ways-- to pick my major AND not pay for school. My mother didn't speak to me for a month b/c I refused to be an English/secondary ed major. She didn't believe I could actually be a book editor-- to her that was a highly competitive, low paying job.
Yeah, maybe I'm thousands of dollars in debt (would be even if I was secondary ed, because she wasn't going to pay for school anyway), but I have a job I love. I can support myself just fine.
Now, I do wish someone had encouraged me to go a state school. I had a scholarship my first two years that was cut due to lack of funding at a private school-- I wish I had gone to one of my state's amazing public schools. Hindsight.

 

[MrsPete]

I do think that it is a parent's job to help kids become informed about fields of study, career potential and renumeration. I think it's also appropriate to talk to kids about why they want to study certain things and what kind of jobs they might expect to get with certain degrees.

I try to do this with my kids and the oldest is only in jr. high. We were just in CVS together last night, and I was talking to her about what pharmacists do, what kind of education they need and how much money they make. I also try to make her think about some career choices that might never have occurred to her. For example, when kids think about medical careers, they tend to think doctor or nurse. I've been educating mine about the host of allied health fields, like physician's assistant, radiation technologist, physical therapist, etc.

I work at a university, and many of our students take a class that makes them do this kind of exercise. I think this is stuff they should be getting much earlier--maybe not in school but at home, anyway.

Yes, this is the kind of thing I do with my kids too -- I point out possibilities. Otherwise, how do they know about them? It makes me think about my SIL saying, "I wish someone had told me years ago that culinary school was a viable alternative to traditional college!"

Since she was 2-3 my oldest has alternated between wanting to be a doctor and wanting to be a nurse. She's had moments when she's mentioned other things, but really it's always been something medical. I'm not all that well informed about medical jobs myself, but I knew to make sure to get her into a position to learn these things. So I encouraged her to take a high school vocational class called Health Team Relations as a freshman, and in that class she learned about pharmacists, morticians, radiologists, oncologists, home health workers, psychiatric nurses, geriatrics workers, surgery nurse, anethesiologist and more. Personally, I think physical therapy sounds like a pretty good bang for the buck: Relatively slow paced, fewer bodily fluids to work with, and good money. She right now is focusing on the idea of being a midwife. Something I wouldn't have thought to suggest to her, but I think she's well suited to it.

She's continued on to higher levels of that freshman vocational class, and next year when she's a senior she'll go to the hospital 2 periods a day and will earn a CNA license before she earns a high school diploma. I hope that in that class, when she's really seeing things in the hospital, that she'll develop a more concrete idea of whether the midwife thing is for her or not. She may determine that she loves that, or she may find another option more to her liking. Regardless, I feel like she's on a good path and will stick to this general direction.

 

[MrsPete]

this is not an insignificant investment on my part. I do care that the money is spent thoughtfully with a goal in mind.

Makes sense to me. I've been saving for their educations since before they were born, and I've sacraficed a good bit so that the money'll be there for them. I cannot condone using it for something that won't lead to a good job in the end. Since their father and I have more knowledge about the world of work, we're going to give them some guidance.

As I said in a previous post, this isn't the same thing as saying, "Go do something you hate". It's more like: "You like and are good at many things. For your life's work, which will matter tremendously to you and your future family, choose one of the things that will reasonably pay you well."

 

[punkin]

Makes sense to me. I've been saving for their educations since before they were born, and I've sacraficed a good bit so that the money'll be there for them. I cannot condone using it for something that won't lead to a good job in the end. Since their father and I have more knowledge about the world of work, we're going to give them some guidance.

As I said in a previous post, this isn't the same thing as saying, "Go do something you hate". It's more like: "You like and are good at many things. For your life's work, which will matter tremendously to you and your future family, choose one of the things that will reasonably pay you well."

Some guidance does not include an ultimatum like "major in what I want or I pull funding."

I definitely intend to guide my DD toward a profitable career path, but I will not override her decision if she is adamant and has good reason. Ultimately it is her choice.

 

[MineMail]

I wouldn't cut them off because of the major they chose. I'd suggest a minor or dual major, but in 10-20 years after school, the degree completion is more important than the major.

However, if the student is goofing off and blowing off classes/grades, they're wasting your money. I would say you were justified in not paying their tuition if they're not taking school seriously.

 

[Kitzka]

My husbands Mother tried to do this to him. It seriously strained their relationship.

DH's Mother was paying for his college education. However, she got angry when DH began to seriously date me. We met freshman year, he took me to meet his mother that summer. At the start of sophomore year his mother declared that men his age should not seriously date anybody. She demanded he dump me immediately or she would pull all his college money. She said I had wrecked his life because he was not on Dean's List.

We called her bluff. We both got jobs and I tutored DH and got him into the Dean's list. It put a really bitter taste in DH's mouth. He finished college and she did still continue with tuition assistance. She only yanked funding for the one semester.

She did the same thing when we married 6 years later. MIL had always said all along she would pay for a Master's degree for DH. She didn't have to, but for the past 6 years she had always said she wanted him to get a Master's and would pay for it. Of course, she was also still angry about my existence.

He got accepted and registered for the Masters Program. It was due to start 4 weeks after we married. His mother once again said getting married would ruin his life and he would never be able to accomplish his goals because of me. So, with all classes registered for she cancelled her payment 2 days before the start of classes and said "See! I told you getting married would wreck your life!'" We had savings and scrambled around for financial aid and he still went. But once again DH was extremely angry over her trying to use money as such a power play.

Come graduation time, MIL wanted to brag about her son, her son banned her from his graduation. She found a way into the graduation anyway and DH spent the whole ceremony dodging her because he didn't want her to have the satisfaction of a picture of him in his cap and gown. Petty, I know. But it was the one small thing he could think of to make his point! To make her point known, she gave him a very nice watch that was worth the exact same amount of his student loans.

MIL is currently in a tizzy over my Master's degree. Asking him why he supports me through college and begging him to leave me because he won't be a 'real man' if I make more money than him.

I just wanted tos ay

WOW! I can't belive she is STILL doing it.

Lara

 

[LuvOrlando]

I had friends who took out student loans but whose parents either paid them or helped. Personally, I think this is the best way to go with it because the young adult is plainly the person responsible for the bill. This sort of forces them to recognize that the parents financial assistance is a favor and should be treated as such. I am almost certain this is the route DH and I will take for our children.

The whole idea of selecting a major is something I would never ever do for my children. I couldn't bear the thought of being responsible for their unhappiness so I won't dictate. I will guide them but no more. If one of my kids wanted to study something on the indulgent side I would insist on a double major with something practical. It is important to be happy with what you do, but having enough job stability to keep food on the table is a bigger priority to me, I think compromise is the best way to go.

 

[golfgal]

I don't think parents should dictate their child's major, but they should be allowed to give their opinion.

My best friend has a son who is 25 and just graduated from college in May. He changed majors THREE times which put him way behind, and after 7 years of college ended up with a "general education" degree. He is now working as an entry level technician for Comcast.

I told my kids they can pick what they want, but they had better make it their business to choose well, because I am not paying for 7 years of college because they keep changing their mind.

My daughter started out in pre-med, but then switched to psychology. I had no problem with that because the classes that she had taken could go either way.

My son is going into engineering and he has already taken 4 years of engineering classes in high school. He is positive that is what he wants to do so I am breathing a sigh of relief.

Selecting a major for this kid wouldn't have changed his motivation though. Simply stating that you will help with X number of years will help though.

I'm not with the crowd here . . . I do think that kids -- and that's exactly what they still are when they're making their initial decisions about where to go to school and what to study -- need guidance in making these choices.

It's all well and good to say, "Just do what makes you happy", but a child who graduates with a degree that doesn't lead to a decent paycheck isn't going to be happy with his life. As much as he may love music, psychology, art history, or whatever, and as much fun as that degree may've been to earn, if he can't find a job, he's going to be disappointed. And once the college money's gone, it's going to be more difficult to go back and pick up a more profitable degree.

Don't twist that into an extreme "do something you hate just because it pays well." All of us are good at multiple things, and all of us could be successful in a variety of jobs. I want my girls to choose something that's within their ability range, something they'd enjoy, AND something that's reasonably going to support them and their future families.

Here's an example of how you can walk a moderate line -- somewhere in between the overly idealistic "just follow your heart" and "pay is the most important thing":

I know a young lady who loves high school band. Band IS her life, and she wants to earn a degree in music and a teaching degree so that she can become a high school band director. Her mom knows this is an unreasonable choice: In our rather large county we have only six people employed in this job (and that's between all the high schools and middle schools), and they've ALL been in those jobs for years and years -- they know it's a coveted job, and if they leave, they'll probably never be able to get in again. We also live near a major university, and we almost always have a student teacher in the band department -- MANY people want this job. So for her to get a job as a high school band director, someone would have to retire AND she'd have immense competition from all the other qualified band-directors-in-waiting. She and I talked about it two weeks ago, and I drew out some numbers: How many high school math teachers are there in the county? How many elementary teachers? How many band directors? On paper, she SAW that her chances of getting that job are miniscule. So we talked about other things that can be done with a music degree -- not much. Performance? Not in this area. Church music? She loves that, but it's usually a part-time job at best. She thought her mom was unreasonable, but as we looked at numbers, and she thought about all the student teachers she's had in band . . . she knew I was right. And we talked about the idea of a teaching degree (in English, math, science, history, world language -- the subjects that're in demand) AND ALSO minoring in music. This'd make her qualified for the dream job, IF it ever comes available, AND ALSO gives her a solid degree that'll really get her a job and a paycheck. She can work at what's available, and IF that dream job comes along, WONDERFUL. But in the meantime, she won't be checking groceries and giving music lessons on the side while her degree gathers dust. She's chewing on those thoughts right now.

I'm also going to face this problem with my youngest child, who loves to draw and says she wants to be a comic book artist. Two problems: She has only moderate talent, and a huge percentage of the kids in the advanced art classes in my high school want to be comic book artists. It's not a job that she's likely to get. She's in middle school, though, and we're looking for what she'd be really good at. I've seen a knack for business in her since she was a small child, but she hates math (and isn't good at that one subject), and I don't think she has the necessary personality for business. Oh, and her back up plan -- if the comic book thing doesn't work out -- rock star (never mind that she doesn't play an instrument).

So, in closing, I disagree with the majority here. I think college students need some guidance in choosing something that they'll enjoy BUT will ALSO pay the bills. It's not about having a bigger house and fancier vacations: it's about being able to find a job after graduation, a job in your field that'll be profitable.

Also, I think it's perfectly reasonable to put limits on what you're able /willing to pay. We've been telling our kids for years that we can afford to pay four years at a state school -- that gives them a wide variety of options. More than that is beyond our ability to pay. And we'll be on the semester plan: We'll pay for semester 1, and when we see good grades and a progression towards graduation, then we'll write checks for semester 2.

No degree will guarantee you a job. I know plenty of history majors that have jobs and plenty of computer science people that don't. As for the girl that wants to be a music major, how sad for her that her parents are so narrow in their thinking. No, maybe YOUR county doesn't have a lot of music openings but there are plenty in other places. Our high school has 3 full time band directors, our middle school has 6, I am not sure how many are in the elementary school but at least 4. We just hired a new band director at the high school as one moved to another state for a new job teaching high school band there.

 

[punkin]

Selecting a major for this kid wouldn't have changed his motivation though. Simply stating that you will help with X number of years will help though.



No degree will guarantee you a job. I know plenty of history majors that have jobs and plenty of computer science people that don't. As for the girl that wants to be a music major, how sad for her that her parents are so narrow in their thinking. No, maybe YOUR county doesn't have a lot of music openings but there are plenty in other places. Our high school has 3 full time band directors, our middle school has 6, I am not sure how many are in the elementary school but at least 4. We just hired a new band director at the high school as one moved to another state for a new job teaching high school band there.

Absolutely!!!!!

...and no one has any ideas what jobs will be profitable in 4 years, let alone in 20. Assuming the child is working and making grades, I will gladly pay for 4 years for a "useless" degree like music or art.

 

[DisneyBeagle]

Well now I feel like a real schmuck. Yep - I did have a say. My son went into college not really knowing what he wanted to study and his Father and I were fine with that. He took all the general stuff his first two years and actually did much better than we thought he would given his High School track record. So Junior year came around this year and he really needed to get serious about a Major and he came up with History and I did this



and yeah I said the words "I'm not paying $40,000 a year for you to be no more employable than what you were with the High School diploma."

So we met with an adviser and came up with a plan where he is pretty much dual majoring in Social Work and History. I'm better with that. I don't care whether or not he gets a high paying job after college but this is not an insignificant investment on my part. I do care that the money is spent thoughtfully with a goal in mind.

There actually wouldn't be all that many degrees that I wouldn't pay for, I didn't force him into one specific career but I did force him to realize that if he wanted to spend my money it would be spent for skill development. He loves History I get that. But if his major goal is simply to read History books then that really can be done for much, much cheaper.

I am actually surprised that more of the responses haven't been like yours. I started this thread because I have been reading many threads about how much money have people saved for their child's tuition and the sacrifices & loans that many parents are taking to pay for the child's education. I don't have children so I've never really looked at this from the parents' perspective before.

A friend of mine has a daughter that went away to college and I believe the parents were paying about $25,000 a year for tuition, room, board, etc. After 4 years and $100,000+ the daughter received a degree in women's studies (I believe that was her major) and is now working in a coffee shop making slightly more than minimum wage. The friend and her husband sacrificed quite a bit to send the daughter to college so that she could "have a better life." The daughter can't afford her own place to live so she recently moved back home with the parents. The friend mentioned to me once (after a few margaritas ) that she should have used the tuition money to purchase the daughter a condo. She would still be able to have the same job she has now, but at least she'd have her own home.