I need help and advice--teen issue

[momto4princesses]

My oldest daughter is about to make me loose my mind.

Backstory: she is almost 13 and in the 7th grade in middle school. She has become moody (about to start her cycle?????), inconsiderate, disrespectful, lazy, etc. The friday before school got out for Christmas she got in trouble at school (first time ever) for flipping a boy off in class. I was furious and she was grounded most of Christmas break. I told her that if she didn't get herself together with her behavior, attitude and make sure her grades were up she would not get to go on our Disney trip coming up in a week. So she did pretty good during the break. She even did pretty good this week and has pulled up her questionable grades.

And then the other shoe drops! I get a call today to come pick her up because she missed her afternoon bus because she was in trouble and talking to a teacher. Turns out she had been in guidance doing some testing and was then told to return to class during her 5th period. However she decided she didn't want to and so she went to another teacher's class (her favorite teacher from last year). She lied to this teacher telling her the teacher of the class she was supposed to be in told her she could come when in fact her teacher had no idea where she was. So in reality she skipped her 5th period class.

I am so angry with her I could just scream. She is grounded again and we have taken away the new Ipad she got from her grandparents for Christmas.

Now comes the question, do we allow her to go on the trip?

DH wants to let her go but continue to be grounded while on trip. Allow her no extra spending $ from us so that all she would have would be the $25 gift card from her grandparents. I think she should probably be forced to stay behind, but man I hate to do that.


So parents who've BTDT with teens/pre-teens share some advice? How do I wake her up and snap her out of this behavior before it gets worse? Do I let her go on the trip or miss it?

 

[Jacks2583]

I am really interested in seeing people's response to this. I had a similar situation with my SD who was 13 at the time.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I totally feel your pain. On one hand, you don't want to leave her behind and have her miss out on something as amazing as WDW. But on the other hand, why should she be rewarded for her recent behavior with a wonderful trip (especially since you warned her what the consequence would be if she continued with the behavior/trouble).

What it comes down to is what you and DH feel you will be able to be at peace with once it is all said and done. Being a parent is never easy and it is things like this that make it so very difficult.

Good luck in your decision. Again, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

[NYEmomma]

I only have a 3 year old so I have yet to experience the joys of parenting a teen/pre-teen... but just my $.02:

I don't think her indiscretions have been severe enough to warrant taking away the Disney trip. Yes, she definitely needs to get a grip on her attitude and behavior and grades of they're slipping, but thus far there's only been a couple incidents, even if they are recent. I think the steps you've taken thus far are appropriate -- grounding, taking away the ipad, etc. And I'd continue escalating the punishments if the behavior doesn't get corrected.

But I'd personally only take away a family vacation from a child if they did something MAJOR. As in caught with drugs, arrested, various other horrible behaviors that give me nightmares, lol.

Like I said though, no experience here so not really qualified to judge on the parenting. Good luck!

 

[Bonniec]

Since you are asking opinions, I will also say I don't think it was that big of a deal. Yes it was wrong and some punishment is warranted. Taking away the trip seems very extreme to me. The ipad grounding is enough. Just my 2 cents.

 

[ARAITHEL]

I'm in agreement with the other posts. Sometimes a reconnect is just what a teen needs to straighten up. An awesome week with the parental units in Florida away from school might be just what she needs. I have a great time with my DD (12) at WDW. It's a shame to miss that even if your daughter has been a little off kilter.

On the other hand, I would try to nip this behavior in the rear while it's growing. Maybe grounding isn't enough. Think out of the box. Give her physical labor, community service projects, etc for her bad behavior. If she has chores, great! If she doesnt, give her some! Keeps their mind busy.

Also talk to your school professionals for their opinion. Most of the time they can get to the bottom of the problem. That favorite teacher might be the best place to start! There was some reason she needed to go to that classroom. She feels safe there.

She is just testing the boundaries, probably. Teen years are about self discovery. Hope this helps and you have a wonderful time in WDW.

 

[of2dbeach]

I would not take the trip away from her. I would suggest doing something that we have done in the past. Make her accountable for what she is doing. We make our kids earn money for things such as big trips to use as spending money. right now they are earing money to spend at the county fair. They have to keep up with there chores and homework DD15 Fell behind and her grades went from a/b honor roll to a f in one class. I wasent a happy camper. i was lesss then happy to have a meeting with each teacher to go up to bat for her only to be told she had the answers to a test written on the board infront of her and she turned in a blank paper Soo she almost got kicked out of band because of her grades. She had to pull her grades up in 2 weeks or do Summer School which would mean we couldnt go to Nc and see her brother and sister.( her brother is graduating ) her teachers were VERY helpful and kept in contact with me. She wrote the teachers letters and appologized and asked if she could do make up work to help her grade ( they did ) this we found out was because she decided to be lazy and because a cute boy was in one class and well her mind wandered. She had to pay the piper and got her grades up TG. that being said if they misbehave or act unkind to each other they loose spending money. if they curse they loose extra money( $1 per offence) So far this has worked for us. we give them a reminder we also will reward for a kind act or words I dont play crap with my kids, but I wont take the trip entirely away from them either. it will only make there behavior during the trip a nightmare and after wards will be awfull too. Ask her what she thinks is a fair punishment. Sometimes they have worse ideas then I ever thought of ! Extra hugs to you hang in there I know it is tought I have 4 teens and a 9 yr old . if you need more help or an ear I am here for you ~Tonya ~

 

[ARAITHEL]

I love paying for chores done! My DD gets an allowance...it's the money she finds in pockets while doing the laundry! LMAO.

 

[ireland_nicole]

Fwiw my dd is 12 next week. I would never take away a family vacation- then you punish your whole family in a way and can never ever get it back. Family time is never used as a threat. That being said, dd has had similar issues at school. We worked with the school to determine consequences including her staying before and after school to help the teachers affected and greater accountability plus she was grounded.

 

[adventure_woman]

I only have a 5 yr old and 1 yr old, so no advice from past experience. BUT, I can tell you my sister (who was a problem teen) will never never never forget the summer she and her friend had to paint the entire house as a punishment. I don't remember what she did, but to this day she hasn't forgotten about it. So, I agree with a PP about thinking outside of the box w/ punishment - since the other stuff isn't really clicking.

 

[noahdove]

I would like to add my 2 cents in. One thing that I never allowed is lying, that is the first step when the teen doesn't see it as a problem and then continues to do that, with the hopes of not getting caught. You don't say where or who she would stay with if she stayed behind. I never made a threat I wouldn't carry out and I have to say, my girls both adults now, knew that. I would make strict rules for your vacation and when you get home, sit down with guidelines or even a contract telling her what is expected, in detail, and then stick to it. Also, inform her teachers of what is happening and asking them to join you on this new contract. I am sorry if I seem to be too strict, but, I am older, yes a gramma and I do the same deals with my grandchildren. Today youths need to respect themselves and others,not saying your daughter isn't doing that, but, I worked with teens for years and I must say, some things never change. I also had a rule with my girls that if plans were changed, they needed to call me and thank God they always did and for that I am proud of them.Good luck and prayers for you to make the best decision.

 

[sherreis]

This brings back such "fond" memories of raising my 2 DDs. They were constantly trying to find things they could get away with.

I agree with a lof of others that taking away the trip for this is a bit much, however, she needs to know that she cannot get away with the attitude and behavior and that you will follow through on your punishments. I stopped grounding our girls cause it ended up not being as much of a punishment for them as it was for me having to look and deal even more with their attitudes.

Have you tried getting some 1:1 time with her? So, you can talk things out and perhaps there is something going on and she is acting out? I figured out something was wrong with DD when she was 15 and she wouldn't talk with either of us and one day I found her journal laying on the bedroom floor among all the other trash on her floor. I believed if it was put away it was private but if it was left out it was there for viewing. Come to find out she had slept with her boyfriend. Once it came out in the open we had many discussions.

I hope there is nothing too serious going on with her. Good luck with everything.

 

[labst60]

HIPPO-

I wouldn't take the trip away. What she NEEDS now is to connect with her family, not to feel alienated from them.

Grounded when she gets home - maybe no extra spending money - but she goes, and has a great time - even if it kills her to be lovign and cheerful!

 

[tlh0726]

My oldest daughter is about to make me loose my mind.

Backstory: she is almost 13 and in the 7th grade in middle school. She has become moody (about to start her cycle?????), inconsiderate, disrespectful, lazy, etc. The friday before school got out for Christmas she got in trouble at school (first time ever) for flipping a boy off in class. I was furious and she was grounded most of Christmas break. I told her that if she didn't get herself together with her behavior, attitude and make sure her grades were up she would not get to go on our Disney trip coming up in a week. So she did pretty good during the break. She even did pretty good this week and has pulled up her questionable grades.And then the other shoe drops! I get a call today to come pick her up because she missed her afternoon bus because she was in trouble and talking to a teacher. Turns out she had been in guidance doing some testing and was then told to return to class during her 5th period. However she decided she didn't want to and so she went to another teacher's class (her favorite teacher from last year). She lied to this teacher telling her the teacher of the class she was supposed to be in told her she could come when in fact her teacher had no idea where she was. So in reality she skipped her 5th period class.

I am so angry with her I could just scream. She is grounded again and we have taken away the new Ipad she got from her grandparents for Christmas.

Now comes the question, do we allow her to go on the trip?

DH wants to let her go but continue to be grounded while on trip. Allow her no extra spending $ from us so that all she would have would be the $25 gift card from her grandparents. I think she should probably be forced to stay behind, but man I hate to do that.


So parents who've BTDT with teens/pre-teens share some advice? How do I wake her up and snap her out of this behavior before it gets worse? Do I let her go on the trip or miss it?

Having had (now out on his own) a teenager, what your daughter has done is not the worst behavior that she could be displaying.

I bolded the above. You said what she needed to do in order to go on the trip and she completed them, thus should be allowed to go. (basically gives you an out that you are not changing your mind by allowing her to go)

This class skipping is a totally new incident and needs to be handled that way. Taking the ipad away and the grounding is the punishment.

You need to make it clear what you will and will not tolerate and stand firm and united. Pick and choose carefully the battles you are willing to fight. As the saying goes, you may have won the battle but lost the war.

Best thing we did with my son was sit down and make a listing of expectations and consequences and posted it. Made it all black and white with no gray areas. Mess up and you already knew what was going to happen. Couldn't argue that you never told him or it's not fair. didn't have to wait to discuss with DH or him with me, just had to point to the listing.

Example - Cursing $1 per incident allowance lost.
talking back Loss of phone privledges for X day(s)


We also never pay for doing work around the house unless it is something above and beyond normal everyday/weekly things.
Example- doing dishes, mowing lawn, folding laundry, cleaning room - non paid. We consider these things part of running a home and members of the family all need to help each other.
unloading and spreading mulch, shoveling a foot of snow - these would get paid

My DH had to learn the hard way, when he suggested to start paying for the everyday/weekly things, my response was then when they aren't completed because he has enough money to do what he wants than you are the one that will be doing it. DH saw my point real quick.

We just gave a set amount for allowance and "breaking the rules" could result in a loss from that amount.

parenting is a hard job.
Go and enjoy your vacation with your entire family.

 

[momto4princesses]

It has been decided that she will be going on the trip. The grounding will continue even while on the trip so no Ipad to keep her busy on the drive (Yay won't that be fun for me, lol). The rest is still not figured out.

I have also made her sit down and write letters of apology to both teachers involved.

This is my first time through this whole teen angst thing. I just don't know how to deal with some of it. I come down super hard because I want to be sure that she doesn't continue down a path that gets her into serious trouble later on. But I don't want to be overly harsh either. That's why I needed some BTDT experience.

I have also emailed the "favorite teacher" to ask for insight into why she might have felt the need/want to go there. Like if something were bothering her or did she just want to hang, etc.

It is tough floundering through this on my own all the time. My DH works out of town and is often gone for weeks/months at a time only having phone contact with the girls. So it is all on Mom and sometimes I just don't feel like I am cutting the mustard.

Thanks to you all.

 

[sk!mom]

Since you are asking opinions, I will also say I don't think it was that big of a deal. Yes it was wrong and some punishment is warranted. Taking away the trip seems very extreme to me. The ipad grounding is enough. Just my 2 cents.

Agreed! Your mistake was threatening to take away a family vacation. She deserves punishment but not something so extreme. Especially since she appears to need more supervision and time with parents- not less.

I do have a question, however, Are you taking your kids out of school for this trip? I wouldn't recommend that if you have a child that is struggling in school- grades, behavior, whatever. I'd take her on this trip and try to reestablish a strong connection/relationship. Going forward, I would plan trips during school breaks so that you don't have to worry about her school performance.

 

[momto4princesses]

Agreed! Your mistake was threatening to take away a family vacation. She deserves punishment but not something so extreme. Especially since she appears to need more supervision and time with parents- not less.

I do have a question, however, Are you taking your kids out of school for this trip? I wouldn't recommend that if you have a child that is struggling in school- grades, behavior, whatever. I'd take her on this trip and try to reestablish a strong connection/relationship. Going forward, I would plan trips during school breaks so that you don't have to worry about her school performance.

Her drop in grades is from A/B honor roll to 2 C's this grading period. I wouldn't say she's struggling in school, just not up to par for her.

I am a teacher and here in our district they have 2 days off that weeks so they are only missing 3 days of school not a whole week. It also is the very first week of a grading period which is very light, as opposed to mid-grading period or end of grading period which are both heavy with exams and projects. I am more than comfortable with the timing and taking the girls out of school that week.

And as a teacher, with a very small salary, we plan our vacations when we can afford them and they are workable with schedules.

This was really not what this thread was about anyway. Everyone has their own opinions about missing school/going during breaks. I certainly wasn't asking for approval of my choice of timing for the trip.

 

[kkmcan]

She might just be testing limits right now and is soon to realize that she isn't going to get away with anything. My dd had a couple of minor issues when she first went into 7th grade. She thought she was all grown up getting out of elementary school.

But we nipped those quickly. She was grounded and had her phone taken away and she's been totally honest since then. We talked to her about trust and honesty and how she could "earn" more priveledges and freedoms if she was always honest and trustworthy. If she broke our trust she wasn't going to be given more freedoms (trips to the movies with her friends, shopping with her friends, etc).

Don't take away the DW trip. She might reconnect and realize how she needs to behave to get your approval. If she's just testing limits then she's already learned her lesson, hopefully. Good luck!

 

[jennyjinx3]

Please Please don't go overboard in the extreme! I was that early teen who did normal rebellious things and my parents totally overreacted (i.e. kicked out of the house 5 X). There was no drugs and minimal alcohol use by me. But in my case it was the overeaction by my parents that prompted my behavior to get worse. I felt like no one understood me or even wanted to find out what I was thinking. It was a vicious cycle that eventually drove me into the arms of an abusive boyfriend. Luckily I found my way out of it all and finally poured my heart to my mom. I went home and today we have an awesome relationship. I only hope I can remember all this when my girls are teens and preteens!!
best of luck, parenting is the hardest job in the world

 

[sk!mom]

Her drop in grades is from A/B honor roll to 2 C's this grading period. I wouldn't say she's struggling in school, just not up to par for her.

I am a teacher and here in our district they have 2 days off that weeks so they are only missing 3 days of school not a whole week. It also is the very first week of a grading period which is very light, as opposed to mid-grading period or end of grading period which are both heavy with exams and projects. I am more than comfortable with the timing and taking the girls out of school that week.

And as a teacher, with a very small salary, we plan our vacations when we can afford them and they are workable with schedules.

This was really not what this thread was about anyway. Everyone has their own opinions about missing school/going during breaks. I certainly wasn't asking for approval of my choice of timing for the trip.

Wow, teacher here, too. I found it too difficult for my children to miss school once they were in middle school. My children attend/ attended a challenging school and missing caused them stress. You asked for opinions- In my opinion, it doesn't make sense to allow a child who is struggling (c's are struggling in this house) to take time out for a vacay. Vacations are planned when we all can relax, enjoy, and reconnect.

 

[momto4princesses]

Wow, teacher here, too. I found it too difficult for my children to miss school once they were in middle school. My children attend/ attended a challenging school and missing caused them stress. You asked for opinions- In my opinion, it doesn't make sense to allow a child who is struggling (c's are struggling in this house) to take time out for a vacay. Vacations are planned when we all can relax, enjoy, and reconnect.

Are you purposely just trying to distort the issues?

She's always been A/B honor roll. She had two grades drop to C's this grading period. I said in my first post she had pulled them back up. The original threat to miss the trip was because if she couldn't maintain A/B honor roll she had no business missing. Since she was able to pull them both back to B's in the last couple of weeks I see no reason to be alarmed.

The opinions I asked for were for help dealing with her teen angst and behavior not opinions on when to pull her out of school.

We are a family of 6 so we do things when it is workable on all fronts, not necessarily ideal but workable. We can NOT afford a vacation during peak season. So I guess under your rules my family shouldn't be allowed to have a vacation.

We haven't had a WDW vacation in nearly 6 years so it isn't like I pull them out of school every month or something.