I have this friend...

[Jack-Jack]

And she has a problem. She can't keep friends. She makes friends pretty easily (we became friends quickly), but as time passes, she inevitably finds some fatal flaw or some unforgivable sin over which to end the friendship. I have tried to explain to her that people *will* hurt you...it's human nature...but if one wishes to keep friends, one must learn to forgive. Otherwise it's only a matter of time before each and every friendship has been terminated and she's left alone...because people will catch on to her act and lose interest in her or never gain interest in the first place. And they'll move on to more forgiving and less critical friends.

But she doesn't grasp this concept. How else can I explain this to her? Anybody else have (or more likely used to have) arbitrary, unforgiving friends like this? Maybe you can share with me some insights.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Your friend sounds exactly like me but as I get older I sound more like you.

 

[PrincessPAC]

I think your friend may suffer from insecurity issues. They are afraid of being hurt. We all would like to believe that "it's a world of laughter" - but, unfortunately, that utopia only exists in Orlando (& California). Unfortunately, there is a real world out there where people -as you put it- *will* hurt you, sometimes purposely, but sometimes not intentionally. It's how we deal with these people that makes us a better person.

Not everyone is perfect, and your friend needs to realize that his/her behavior is not only hurting him/her, but it is also hurting those who just wanted to enjoy their friendship. There are people out there who are toxic, and those people should be avoided, but unless someone does something completely unforgiveable, I believe that people deserve a chance to show how good of a friend they can be (even with their flaws).

I hope your friend learns this pretty soon, or he/she may have a lonely life ahead of them.

Just be there for your friend, and maybe one day he/she will learn from your example.

 

[Maleficent13]

We all would like to believe that "it's a world of laughter, a world of cheers" - but, unfortunately, that utopia only exists in Orlando (& California).

Actually, even the dolls know it's a world of laughter and a world of tears.

 

[KikiFan]

Your friend needs to read a book called The Four Agreements. It's a great book for people that always take things personally and judge others based on their (often incorrect) assumptions.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Your friend needs to read a book called The Four Agreements. It's a great book for people that always take things personally and judge others based on their (often incorrect) assumptions.

Thanks! Headed to the library now to reserve it.

 

[Doesney]

"I have this friend... "



That stikes me as odd.

 

[PrincessPAC]

Actually, even the dolls know it's a world of laughter and a world of tears.

OMG - I'm such an idiot! I've been singing this song since I was in the womb (even before - my parents honeymooned in WDW ), and I have always said it that way!

Personally, though, I like my way better (it's happier )

Oh no, I guess I have 3 little "silly ones" walking around too, singing it the wrong way. I'm such a bad mother.

 

[ckay87]

I have a friend like this too!!! I am probably her longest-lasting friend. I am the only person who has ever come out of a fight with her and still remained friends. I'm kinda proud of that actually and it's a little joke she and I share. However, it's not too funny. We're getting close to 40 now and she's not married because this is an issue with all of her relationships, not just female friends. Not being married isn't a problem in itself, but I know she gets lonely.

I always considered it a part of her personality and not much I could do about it, but maybe I'm wrong.

 

[paigevz]

I've had some friends who "didn't forgive". And yes, they are now ex-friends......the funny thing is it wasn't by my choice....others would tell me to give up, but I wouldn't until it just went too far. Friends are important to me, I will always try to work out differences. It makes those who do have an issue with something but are willing to work through it and remain friends that much more precious.

Have you been on the receiving end yet of the unyielding adherence to her own social rules?

 

[Jack-Jack]

Have you been on the receiving end yet of the unyielding adherence to her own social rules?

Yes, but I refuse to accept such non-sense...at least thus far. She's banished me more than a few times. It used to upset me, but less and less so now. I persevere because the benefits currently outweigh liabilities. When that balance changes, I'll be counted among her ex-friends.

 

[Jack-Jack]

"I have this friend... "

That stikes me as odd.

You've foiled my charade. My "friend" is really you, Doesney. Now read this thread carefully. You've already received some excellent advice.

 

[Acklander]

Your friend needs to read a book called The Four Agreements. It's a great book for people that always take things personally and judge others based on their (often incorrect) assumptions.

I Love this book.

 

[RVGal]

People who can't find a way to forgive tend to surround themselves with lots of short term, shallow friendships. What they don't understand is that a few really good loyal friends are better than a huge group that turns over regularly. Who better to sing your praises or defend your honor than a true friend? Those relationships are always worth fighting for, and forgiving for.

Is your friend giving you any reason for the strict "no forgiveness" policy? Is he/she up front about his/her boundaries and expectations for friendship? If people are left to flounder in the dark about what someone wants and expects from a relationship, they are bound to make mistakes. Perhaps he/she knows that and therefore knows there will never be a long term vested interest in the friendship. Some people aren't capable of handling the deeper relationships and set things up so that no friendship will ever reach that point.

Some people thrive on that short term excitement when things are new, without ever knowing there is a much more rewarding level beyond it. I don't know that there is any way to show that to someone else. You've got to take a risk to invest yourself in someone and let them have the ability to hurt you, then hear them out and forgive if at all possible. Not everyone is willing to risk that. It's much easier to just cut them off.

 

[NY Disney fan]

My best, best, best, best friend in the whole wide world who I've known since high school stopped speaking to me for no reason in the world, as soon as I told her I was getting a divorce from my H. To this day I am . She won't return my emails, voicemail or phone calls. I am burnt out on "friendship."

 

[hiwaygal]

She makes friends pretty easily (we became friends quickly), but as time passes, she inevitably finds some fatal flaw or some unforgivable sin over which to end the friendship.

This is the part that caught my eye...

Don't we all make choices in our friends at some point or another (usually in the very beginning with first impressions)??

If you meet someone at work, at school, wherever...don't you make some kind of decision to either try to become friends with someone or not?

Some people may give everyone the initial benefit of the doubt and after only really getting to know someone realize that there are differences that make friendship difficult. If someone chooses then to not continue the friendship, that makes them a "bad" person who can't appreciate the depths of "true" friendship?

I've had many friends that I've grown apart from...for various reasons. Sometimes it's because our experiences no longer give us "common ground". Sometimes it's because our lives have simply moved in different directions. I didn't realize I was shallow because of that.

 

[meb7]

You know sometimes it takes something really bad happening to them as a result of their actions, before they are willing to recognize the need for change.

 

[mdrob214]

I think your friend may suffer from insecurity issues.

Not everyone is perfect, and your friend needs to realize that his/her behavior is not only hurting him/her, but it is also hurting those who just wanted to enjoy their friendship.

I hope your friend learns this pretty soon, or he/she may have a lonely life ahead of them.

Is your friend giving you any reason for the strict "no forgiveness" policy? Is he/she up front about his/her boundaries and expectations for friendship? If people are left to flounder in the dark about what someone wants and expects from a relationship, they are bound to make mistakes.

You know sometimes it takes something really bad happening to them as a result of their actions, before they are willing to recognize the need for change.

Some people go too far in their expectations of others. It is not a perfect world filled with perfect people. As with everything, boundaries are needed, but if you're gonna cut someone off because they have crossed some invisible boundary, the least you could do is tell them why. (JMHO, of course)

 

[Micki8]

I value all my friendships, and I consider myself a good friend.

I'm not perfect. I have flaws just like anyone else, and I realize that friends are not perfect, and they will also have flaws.

I don't believe in "outgrowing" a friend or "growing apart." I give all my friends the benefit of the doubt, unless a friend has done something really horrible to me or a loved one, or constantly disrespects me or is rude to me.

I treat friends like family. The same people who would tell a person to end a friendship over something trivial are the very same people who would say forgive your sister or brother, because "friends come and go, but family is forever" blah, blah blah.......

Well, maybe if friends were valued more, that notion would not be true. Friends are important, too. I think some people are way too quick to give up on friendships and sometimes even their marriage/spouse, because they believe that the only people worth a second chance are only blood relatives, such as a brother or a sister. Just like a disagreement doesn't have to mean the ending of a sibling relationship, it shouldn't mean the ending of a friendship either, especially a longterm friendship.

Friends don't have to come and go; it's whether you choose to end it. I have many longtime friends. I treat them the way I would a sibling or family member. If siblings can be given the benefit of the doubt, why not friends? Sometimes friends can be more supportive and have your best interest even moreso than family. However, I am a firm believer in the notion that family and close friends are priceless. The luckiest person in the world is a person who has both good friends and family.

 

[deelam]

I've been called "best Friend" so many times. But really, I think I am a better friend to others then they are to me, (with the exception of one person, who really is a good friend). And as I get older (40), I find that I'm more reserved on who I befriend-I think I've been hurt a bit to much. So, I don't blame your friend by being picky with her friends.