How would you help this family?

[HappyDisneyMemories]

This is about my husband's daughter from a previous marriage. We wish there was some way to help them out of the situation they are in but we aren't financially able to do much and don't know if that would be best for them anyway. Briefly the facts:

My husband's daughter is 30 years old, married with two children (ages 1 & 2).

They have her husband's two children living with them also (approx. 9 & 12 years old).

The six of them recently moved in with her mother and stepfather in a tiny little old house.

They moved in with her mother because my stepdaughter's husband lost his job - not sure why but one story we heard was both their cars didn't work so he didn't have a way to a job. He also was in jail for a couple of weeks because he was arrested for driving a car with no insurance. We think he got a ticket for not having insurance, ignored it and then was stopped again and that's why he went to jail.

In this tiny house with 8 people living there only two people work - my stepdaughter's stepfather and stepdaughter's husband now works parttime.

We'd love to see them back on their own in an apartment or small house. We'd love for them to have a car that works. We'd love to see them be responsible and off food stamps. They ask us for money occasionally but not often. We do what we can to help. We just wish they were doing more to help themselves. They both smoke so they have money for cigarettes and my husband was over there today and said his daughter's husband was walking down the street towards home carrying a 12 pack of beer and a bag of ice.

I feel so sorry for the children. How would you help them help themselves? We really don't know what to do. Their values are so different than how we live.

 

[freckles and boo]

Do they live in a cold weather area? I would make sure the kids have warm coats, hats, gloves, mittens, etc. for the winter. You can't change the parents behavior but you can show the kids that not everyone lives that way.

 

[Kathi OD]

Sadly, they are making the decision to live their lives that way. There's not much you can do to change that. However, as PP said, you can do things to help the children. Buy some clothing here and there, maybe buy diapers, necessities that you wouldn't want the children to do without.

I know how difficult it is for you to standby and watch this situation. I wish I could think of something that would make them want to change their lifestyle.

 

[nannerbadnanner]

Do they live in a cold weather area? I would make sure the kids have warm coats, hats, gloves, mittens, etc. for the winter. You can't change the parents behavior but you can show the kids that not everyone lives that way.

I agree with this. I would also make sure that they had a few nice Christmas presents especially the older two. If your DIL and SIL start to make an effort, I would probably try to help, but it does not sound like that is what's happening right now. If you give them money now, you will probably be resentful if you see them wasting it or not making an effort. That situation is no good for anyone.

 

[Mkrop]

I agree stuff for the kids. Can you help get one of the cars fixed so they can get to a job? I would not just give them money but would help them in other ways where I could pay the bill directly to the vendor.

Can your DH sit down and have a heart to heart with her?

 

[CajunDixie]

I think I would do things for the children....all the children. But the parents need to "grow up" and join the real world. Let them know the money stops until they quit smoking and drinking and show some motivation when it comes to job hunting.

Our office requires all adult members of a household not on or applying for disability to apply for at least 3 jobs (and bring us proof) before we will help them with their rent or utilities. We provide local job tips and a job list that we receive from a county office in addition to what is listed in the paper's classifieds. I see no reason why you couldn't demand the same thing when they do ask you for money.

As for the kids I'd make sure they have clothes that fit, school supplies, and that they are getting enough to eat. You'd be better off picking up some groceries for them rather than handing the parents $50 for food....because they'll just buy cigs and beer first. Another thing I'd do is make sure they have plenty of things like soap, shampoo, laundry soap....if they get food stamps these items they'd have to pay for themselves.

I had a middleschool aged girl with her dad in our food pantry today and I felt so bad for her. I basically gave her free reign when it came to picking stuff out. I walked over to the shampoo/conditioner shelf and sniffed one of the Herbal Essence conditioners and mentioned how great it smelled then walked away to give her some privacy to pick her own shampoo, conditioner, soap, deo, and toothepaste.

You might also consider teaching them how to do a budget. Long ago around here it was required that you take a budgeting class in order to receive food stamps.

 

[HappyDisneyMemories]

Thanks for the advice. We definitely will focus our attention towards helping the children directly.

Do they live in a cold weather area?

Yes, we do.

Can your DH sit down and have a heart to heart with her?

I don't know. Since they are adults its a bit difficult to know where its appropriate to step in and point out what they are doing wrong.

 

[JimmyPicker]

Your step daughter and her husband have chosen this way of life. You cannot change their minds for them.

The children, however, have no choice in this. If you want to help, your focus should be the kids.

Clothing, jackets, books, things that would have no value to the parents are always good.

Also, things that have no monetary value. Such as outtings. You could take them to a sporting event (I'm talking local things, not spending hundreds of dollars to take them to an NFL game). The zoo. The aquarium. The playground. Things that the kids would enjoy that the parents don't really have time for.

It'll get the kids away from the small, cramped house, and maybe away from the worries of their every day lives.

Encouragement is another thing you could offer these children. It sounds like they'll need it.

 

[JimmyPicker]

Also, I'd like to add that if you attend church regularly, maybe you could pick the kids up and take them along with you.

Churches are great for kids. They can find a lot of support there. Youth groups are a wonderful thing.

 

[Tikitoi]

Talk to them about birth control.

 

[Val]

I was a kid in a situation like this...and it was my grandparents that stepped in and helped. I don't believe they gave my parents money, per se, but they made sure we kids had appropriate clothing, school supplies, a nice toy at Christmas. As we got older we were able to exchange "working" at the grandparents for music lessons, earn money towards bikes, etc. Eventually, my parents were unable to care for us any longer, and my grandparents stepped in and took us in. My parents are no longer living- addiction and mental illness got the better of them. We lost Grandpa in 1995, but Grandma turns 90 on November 1st. Her health isn't great, but we now take care of her....my brothers check on her daily while my sister and I do the money/health care management since we live far away. Grandma took care of us when we didn't have anyone- so we gladly take care of Grandma. She is still in her house, albeit with a full time nurse. We would and will go to the ends of the earth for her. God Bless Grandma and Grandpa- without them my sibs and I would be nothing today.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with the above posters.
You simply cannot help those who do not help themselves...

They are making their decisions and lifestyle choices.

I do agree that a big focus should be on your grandchildren!

However, tread lightly...
Overstepping any boundaries as grandparents will probably have very bad results.

And, remember, no matter how well intentioned and vigorous your efforts, just remember that there is only so much you can do regarding the grandchildren, and do not be totally surprized when they reach 17-18 and they too follow the cycle, and you find that they also smell of cigarettes and beer.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I was a kid in a situation like this...and it was my grandparents that stepped in and helped. I don't believe they gave my parents money, per se, but they made sure we kids had appropriate clothing, school supplies, a nice toy at Christmas. As we got older we were able to exchange "working" at the grandparents for music lessons, earn money towards bikes, etc. Eventually, my parents were unable to care for us any longer, and my grandparents stepped in and took us in. My parents are no longer living- addiction and mental illness got the better of them. We lost Grandpa in 1995, but Grandma turns 90 on November 1st. Her health isn't great, but we now take care of her....my brothers check on her daily while my sister and I do the money/health care management since we live far away. Grandma took care of us when we didn't have anyone- so we gladly take care of Grandma. She is still in her house, albeit with a full time nurse. We would and will go to the ends of the earth for her. God Bless Grandma and Grandpa- without them my sibs and I would be nothing today.

Wow, what a touching story!!!

 

[lowie]

you have to wonder what the parents they live with are thinking?? i'd be livid if my son-in-law was barely working, living rent free and spending the little money he has on beer. talk about enabling.

can you offer to help care for the kids while the parents work? daycare for a 1 and 2 year old is expensive. i'd offer your step daughter a ride to work, keep the kids, then pick her up and drop them all off. well, that is if you can do such a thing. that in empowering, not enabling.

poor kids..

 

[kellyg403]

Boy, do I know how you feel! One of my dsd and one of my bio dd's are always on the verge of taking charge of their lives, just not crossed over. The unfortunate thing is that I have decided to take a different route than dh re: my dd than he does with his dd, my sdd. Right now, I do for my grandson. I buy him things, make sure he has extras, like snacks, coats warm clothing and a place to come to when he needs to be here. I do NOT ever give her cash money. If there is a bill she can't pay..like electric or water..I get the bill and go there. I will not pay cable or cell phone bill. They are extra's in my book and she needs to get herself together. If the cell phone gets turned off, she has a phone that I bought her a long time ago that you can put minutes on. I will put minutes on that phone for emergancies, not for her to talk on if she can't pay her cell phone. I didn't take the situation lightly. I wanted and unfortunately have been doing ALOT more for her in the past. Till I realized working wasn't as important to her as it was to me..because I was paying her bills. We started at the end of Jan. this last year. Big adjustment but she has a good job, grandson is on daycare, she has her own place, and friday she signed up the community college for the Jan session. Will it cont? Don't know..but now she knows my limits it might help.

DH has decided to do the opposite. He supports his dd, sil and granddaughter. They live now in another state with their mom. She calls and lets him know how much money they need he sends it. He feels like she is his child etc. I don't agree, but agree that it is his child and what he feels he should do is what he should do.

Its a hard call...you can't give somebody responsibility...they have to figure it out just like the rest of us. The easy way or the hard way! I would make sure that the kids have everything they need including the extra's. I often take over McDonald's gift cert or pick up snacks at the grocery store for grandson and take them over. He doesn't deserve any less even if my dd doesn't understand the phone/cable is a privilege...if the funds are low they should be the firs tto go. She has to figure it out..but not on grandson's shoulders. She gets upset because I won't buy HER extra's but I can't raise her anymore..she has the knowledge, she needs to use it! My dh is perfectly happy doing things the other way, but I think if you do it that way you have to be sure you are willing to do it that way for a very long time, without guilt or anger or resentment!

Kelly

 

[barkley]

just want to give you a heads up that might help you with the decisions you make.

if they are receiving food stamps only then they have either chosen not to apply for cash public assistance or they are income ineligible (food stamps have a higher income eligibility level than cash-you can have more income and qualify). if they have chosen not to apply then it is their choice not to be in receipt of funds available to provide for their children in a time of need (and services that would assist with the husband's legal issues, employment barriers-like securing auto repairs and/or car insurance and the like). if they are income ineligible then they may have more income than you are aware of (in some states a family of 6 can make upwards of nearly 1700.00 per month in countable income before they are ineligible). they could be income ineligible because of earnings he makes, child support (does he receive any from the mom of his kids? if not why is'nt he going after it?), unemployment or disability based income...OR (and this is not likely to be happening because they are receiving food stamps) because a determination that all of their basic needs (housing, clothing, food, utilities and personal hygene type products) are being provided IN FULL by other persons (if a person provides rent free housing including utilities it can greatly reduce food stamp benefits so i suspect that the parents are saying that the adult kids are at the least 'obligating' themselves to pay rent and utilities each month-even if they personaly know otherwise).

that said-i think you have to look to what their situation is before you choose to do any kind of financial aide. if they are choosing NOT to avail themselves of funds to help their children i would have to question why they choose to avail of you for the same purpose. if they are ineligible i would be questioning to what use they are putting the income they have.

i agree with pp's who say provide for the NEEDS of the children-warm clothing, school supplies (and if the 12 year old is female-perhaps feminine products-these were lacking in the homes of families i served in social services because they could'nt be purchased with food stamps and were not often available at the food/clothing pantrys) and christmas gifts that don't require additional expenses (batteries, cd's, newer games...).

on the auto issue-i would (forgive the pun) steer clear of it. reason being is in most states if a driver is found with an uninsured vehical it is immediatly impounded. if this is the case and the husband was picked up a second time in the other uninsured vehical such that he was arrested-there's a good likelyhood that both vehicals have been impounded in which case there could be fees of a horrendous nature that outweigh the value of the cars (impound, towing, penalties, new insurance-and delinquint registration if they are in a state where uninsured cars are ineligible for re-registration).

 

[C.Ann]

This is about my husband's daughter from a previous marriage. We wish there was some way to help them out of the situation they are in but we aren't financially able to do much and don't know if that would be best for them anyway. Briefly the facts:

My husband's daughter is 30 years old, married with two children (ages 1 & 2).

They have her husband's two children living with them also (approx. 9 & 12 years old).

The six of them recently moved in with her mother and stepfather in a tiny little old house.

They moved in with her mother because my stepdaughter's husband lost his job - not sure why but one story we heard was both their cars didn't work so he didn't have a way to a job. He also was in jail for a couple of weeks because he was arrested for driving a car with no insurance. We think he got a ticket for not having insurance, ignored it and then was stopped again and that's why he went to jail.

In this tiny house with 8 people living there only two people work - my stepdaughter's stepfather and stepdaughter's husband now works parttime.

We'd love to see them back on their own in an apartment or small house. We'd love for them to have a car that works. We'd love to see them be responsible and off food stamps. They ask us for money occasionally but not often. We do what we can to help. We just wish they were doing more to help themselves. They both smoke so they have money for cigarettes and my husband was over there today and said his daughter's husband was walking down the street towards home carrying a 12 pack of beer and a bag of ice.

I feel so sorry for the children. How would you help them help themselves? We really don't know what to do. Their values are so different than how we live.

----------------------------

I would help the children.. Purchase items for them (remove tags so the items can't be returned).. The parents are just going to have to grow up and fend for themselves - but the kids shouldn't have to suffer for it..

 

[happygirl]

I'd make sure the kids had what they need

 

[PatsGirl]

I'd try to spend a few hours each weekend with the younger children going to the park or church or the zoo (something inexpensive) and take them to McDonalds for lunch or an ice cream treat. I'd ask the older ones what they'd like to do with you (if anything), maybe a movie occasionally with a trip out for pizza or chinese food, that sort of thing. Spending time WITH them will be the best teacher of how things should be and could be.

I also definately agree with warm weather clothes for the younger kids and maybe a "special" item for the older kids would be great if you can afford it. For the teens, something "brand-name", even if it's hat/glove set from GAP (or whatever they are into) -- it is very important that they not be set apart from their peers all the time and fitting in is difficult if money is tight. I'm not one much for labels but I do think that a few "label" things for kids who have none would help build self-esteem and confidence.

Kudos for you for trying to do the right thing by these kids

 

[EthansMom]

I agree with the previous posters. Help the children... warm clothes, a day out with Grandma and Grampa, new school supplies, Christmas and birthday presents (especially ones that aren't likely to be pawned for cash).

It is very possible that the explanation you were given regarding the to incarceration is NOT the truth. Either this adult couple is making poor choices (not working fully, not carrying car ins., etc..) and/or there may be some other issues of which you aren't aware (drug abuse comes to mind). Personally, I think giving SD and her DH cash is a bad idea. Instead, put the money towards things to help the young kids.