worm761 said:
My MIL was this way. DH would argue with her at first. It was causing problems for everyone. There is no love lost between my MIL and I. Though she has finally learned that being civil to me causes her less problems with her son.
DH and I limit contact. MIL has no problems talking badly of anyone not in the room. Including her other children, grandchildren, and of course her ex, my daughter's other Grandfather. Oh, and myself of course. Due to this, her contact is extremely limited and DD is never left alone with her. I am glad that we live far away so it is not more of an issue. I am sad for DD who will not know her Grandmother the way I knew mine. When we visit, we simply leave when she starts. She is learning. I will give her that. She doesn't like it, but she is learning that DH and I are united on this.
Now, OP, I know you don't want to give details. And that is fine. You share what you want. But, as a parent it is your job to protect your children the best you can. Constant criticism, even if not from you, will eventually kill their self esteem. Are you okay with person taking your children's self esteem from them? Because that is what they are doing. I have always been of the opinion that you could -whatever- to me. And I chose to take it, well, that was on me. But I would be damned if you are going to do it to my kids and I will sit idly by and let it happen. Part of the reason we have so many issues with my MIL is that I allowed her little insults to keep the peace between her, me and DH. Then DD came along and DH & I put a screeching halt to it.
My MIL is like this too. We never lived close enough to her that my kids were ever alone with her until about 4 years ago. For about 8 months she was around my kids on a daily basis, because we needed a afterschool sitter and DH insisted that we use his mom (against my better judgement based on past experiences with her other kids/grandkids). In that time, she constantly berated and belittled my kids by telling they were stupid, lazy, and disrespectful (and worse)...for things like not making their bed in the morning, or not taking the garbage out (they were 10, 6, and 4 at the time, and apparently *her* kids were required to do both of these things since they were in diapers) She would make them do things at our house that were different than the way I do them or taught them, then yell at them when they forgot "her" way or told her its not how mom wants the to do it.
She would make them come home and clean the house instead of have them do their homework even when we told her that they NEED to get homework done because they have sports practices all evening. I would tell them to remind G-ma that I said they have to do their homework, and she would tell them behind my back that I was raising spoiled, bratty kids (them) and they were lucky I was their mom and not her because she would never allow them to get away with everything I let them get away with.
On top of that, she broke my washer by putting a heavy quilt in it and said that she washed it at my house because she didn't want to break the one at her apartment. She used to steal rolls of toilet paper, ziplock bags, foil, plastic spoons, laundry soap and fabric softener, and anything else she saw that we had *plenty* of. This was right after we moved to a brand new state, my job was just getting off the ground, and we were still recovering from a shortsale and a terrible economy in our home state. Trust me...we did not have "extra"....all bulk items were budgeted to last for months.
The last two straws were:
She ruined my formal dining room table by using a clorox wipe and when I asked her about it she lied and said that one of the kids did it. Even though the kids said they saw her, I sucked it up and didn't call her out as a liar, but put a reminder note on the fridge not to use anything but a washcloth and water on the table - not addressed to anyone, just a scribbled note on the whiteboard that said "Remember! Only water on the table!" (which shouldn't have offended *her* at all since she said that the kids were the culprits, right?). I came home to a nasty note from her, in plain view on the fridge, telling me that if I am going to accuse anyone it should be MY KIDS because she sees them make messes and not clean up ALL THE TIME (yes, she handwrote and bolded/underlined lol), and went on to say a few more nasty things about the kids and myself.
The 2nd was the day I found out she hit DS, who was 10 at the time. He didn't want to tell me because he was talking back to her (defending something about our family or home) and she slapped him. I do not allow my kids to be disrespectful or backtalk, but like all kids, they still do it, and honestly, even DD who was 6 at the time stood up for him and said that g-ma was being really mean to him and telling him that he was stupid and lazy and his mom is stupid for letting him get away with whatever it was he was doing - I *think* he was telling her that we put all dirty clothes on the floor by the washer and all clean clothes go in baskets (this has always been my method since I am really good at *cleaning* the clothes, but not so great at actually folding them and putting them away LOL), and it turned into a power struggle between the two of them. That was the night the stories started unraveling and the kids just started talking and talking and telling DH and I everything that was going on.
I wish I could say that we called her right then and there and fired her, but we didn't. DH talked to her alone and told her to knock it off. We used her for another month or so, and I made sure I stayed close to the situation. She never hit anyone again, but the verbal abuse didn't stop so I told DH that I was done. I found a new babysitter and the kids have never been left alone with g-ma again. Not even for a short visit. The guilt I feel because I feel like I should have ended it so much sooner still gets me...even though my kids are pretty much old enough not to even need a sitter any more! DS14 still remembers that time, but the younger ones don't really, which I thank god for. They don't really like her, but they are not sure why. There is virtually no relationship there now, which is fine with me.
On top of our our babsitting horror, MIL is just a generally unhappy person who thrives on putting people down and being passive aggressive. I've witnessed too many times with too many people to count.
We have found thst staying away and only visiting on mandatory holidays is best.
