How would you feel???

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you so much to those that can see my hurt. I am not in the least bit bitter or angry with my Mom, I am just shocked and feel hurt that I was not included. My Dad died 2 weeks before her and his spouse got everything too. What am I??? I guess my parents didn't feel i was worthy enough to receive anything of theirs which is very hurtful to me. I am not looking for a hand out, I am very stable in my life which may be the reason, but it still makes me feel bad.

I guess I can't blame you for feeling hurt for being left out. I think that is a pretty normal emotion to have considering the circumstances. A lot of parents set aside something for their bio kids when they remarry however not all do.

What is done is done and start saving for college. I have a college freshman and it is crazy how much it costs.

My parents have no money, so no worries there unless you want to count us housing them and paying their bills when they are broke.

DH is another matter. Mom has no money and dad is remarried with 6 adopted kids.

So we are probably getting nothing either but I expect that. I will be shell shocked if we did.

 

[krnlmustrd]

I suppose it matters how large the estate is. If there really isn't that much money, maybe the mom was considering the partner would need every bit of it in order to be secure for the rest of her life. The OP still has her own family to lean on and said she's fine as she is. The partner might not have anybody else to turn to.

 

[Planogirl]

I can understand feeling left out but I also think that the Mom wanted to leave the partner well provided. I can't see any malice here.

I'm sorry about your loss.

 

[disneymeces]

I haven't read this whole thread but I believe the OP has a legal case and should see a laywer ASAP. Suze Orman talks about this stuff all the time. Children can dispute the will if it is unfair (and it sounds very unfair). OP, please see a family estate lawyer about this. This is not a gay issue, this is a step-parent vs. biological child issue.

I 2nd this, my mom has been remarried for 13yrs, yet everything she has is going to my bro and I (and my children) except for the land and the house they live in, which if something happens to him will be sold and split between his kids and us. I don't mean to sound greedy it doesn't have to do with the money, mostly respect, she was YOUR mother, u deserve some of what was her's, even if it was just furniture. You never know if there was some kind of outside influence that helped her with her will.

 

[lillygator]

I do not think OP is being "bitter, greedy and pretty ungrateful". I

She said in her first post she was bitter....

My Mom recently passed away at a young age after just retiring. She is gay and was married legally 8 years ago. I just can't help but feel bitter that she would leave her gay wife as a beneficiary to all of her Estate. She had a 401K, life insurance, social security, etc and this woman who has only been in her life for 10 years will get it all. I am her only child. I am just so heartbroken about this. It is just not right or fair. I have children that could use money for College in the future. Am I being unreasonable???

You did not read my answer correctly....it is not about being GAY. It is about not feeling important or included in my mother's estate as her only decendant. Her spouse is NOT my parent and I just feel hurt that she would not include me in anything. How dare you say Im greedy and ungrateful. I would much rather have my mother alive and well than be dealing with this.

Well, I guess I am one who does not expect family members to leave money to me...maybe since we've never had to deal with it. But the posts - IMO - make you suond greedy as in, you wanted the money to pay for college. Maybe I read it wrong,

I could be wrong, but I never got the impression that any of this had to do with the issue of mom being gay. It was about mom leaving all of her money to someone she knew for 10 years in lieu of her one & only child.

well it sounded as such......

I'm sorry about your loss. My question is would you feel the same if your Mom was married to a man?

This was the response....

Yes I most definitely would.....how could she leave it all to someone she has only known for 10 years when she had a child and grandchildren?? It's just not fair.

ETA D'ope!! I read that COMPLETELY wrong! My mistake!

 

[GingerJay]

I think that any time a parent leaves all their assets to a step-parent instead of their children it can cause some distress. I know that it sucked when my mom died (without a will, though) and by law, everything automatically went to her husband of just two years

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

OP, I would be very hurt also. I'm an only child too.

Its not that your mother was gay, its that she left her estate to a virtual stranger. Yes she was with her for 10 years , but in reality she's a stranger. Not a blood relative, somebody she met and shared her life with, not like a child or grandchild.

My grandmother used to state this all the time. She was married to my grandfather for almost 50 years. But she always said, I love him but he's a man I met and married. My children are a part of me, they are me.

My mothers 1st husband passed away and she has been with someone else for 12 years now. She won't marry him because she's convinced even with a will something could go wrong. She wants to make sure the majority goes to me and my kids, but she did set some aside for the children (not her children) of her 1st husband.

 

[4nana]

I'm sorry for your heartache, losing a mother is difficult enough . Our children are our world, therefore our sole beneficiaries. We've discussed if one of us ever happen to re-marry, we feel they should still receive a share. Altho I don't know the entent of your particular situation, IMO, sorry I simply can't imagine being so unfair as to cut adult children out of everything we've work hard for.

 

[Colleen27]

Yes. Thinking you have any say or entitlement to whatever assets a parent leaves behind is unreasonable, and leaving everything to a spouse is a fairly common practice. You're a working age adult and presumably self-supporting; your mom's wife is likely at/near retirement age herself. It only seems natural that she'd want to provide for her spouse's well-being in her twilight years.

 

[connorlevismom]

OP, I would be very hurt also. I'm an only child too.

Its not that your mother was gay, its that she left her estate to a virtual stranger. Yes she was with her for 10 years , but in reality she's a stranger. Not a blood relative, somebody she met and shared her life with, not like a child or grandchild.

My grandmother used to state this all the time. She was married to my grandfather for almost 50 years. But she always said, I love him but he's a man I met and married. My children are a part of me, they are me.

My mothers 1st husband passed away and she has been with someone else for 12 years now. She won't marry him because she's convinced even with a will something could go wrong. She wants to make sure the majority goes to me and my kids, but she did set some aside for the children (not her children) of her 1st husband.

I have to disagree. I have been with my DH for 10 years and if I died tomorrow, does that make me a stranger to him? He planned to spend the rest of his life with me and my life was cut short.

That is completely rediculous, IMO.

Kristine

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and yes I think you are certainly entitled to your feelings. I would hope that her wife is considerate enough to at least give you something of your mother's, even if it is something sentimental.

For those of you calling the OP unreasonable, I mean, honestly. Wouldn't you feel the least bit hurt or at least WONDER why the woman who raised you didn't see fit to include you and your children in her final wishes? My mother and I had a terrible relationship, but even SHE made sure to include her daughters and grandchildren in her will (we got a lot of personal items). I have a hard time believing most of you wouldn't feel hurt and left out.

 

[lillygator]

op...were there any other items that were left to your family? Sentimental things? I am guessing this was a total shock to you, although as I said, I've never dealt with this so I am not too sure it is really something you and your parents talk about....?? Is it normal to tell your children your plans? Wouldn't age be a factor as well?

 

[connorlevismom]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and yes I think you are certainly entitled to your feelings. I would hope that her wife is considerate enough to at least give you something of your mother's, even if it is something sentimental.

For those of you calling the OP unreasonable, I mean, honestly. Wouldn't you feel the least bit hurt or at least WONDER why the woman who raised you didn't see fit to include you and your children in her final wishes? My mother and I had a terrible relationship, but even SHE made sure to include her daughters and grandchildren in her will (we got a lot of personal items). I have a hard time believing most of you wouldn't feel hurt and left out.

Every family is different and every family has their own thing going on. We don't know anything about the OP's relationship with her mother or her father. Maybe they had reasons, maybe not. We don't know.

Kristine

 

[connorlevismom]

op...were there any other items that were left to your family? Sentimental things? I am guessing this was a total shock to you, although as I said, I've never dealt with this so I am not too sure it is really something you and your parents talk about....?? Is it normal to tell your children your plans? Wouldn't age be a factor as well?

It is very normal to tell your children your plans. Maybe not exact amounts or something like that, but usually you tell them something. My parents are splitting the money between us 7 kids but we don't know how much. We know who to call when they pass, and they have told us they have their funerals planned so that we don't have to deal with that.

Kristine

 

[MushyMushy]

Every family is different and every family has their own thing going on. We don't know anything about the OP's relationship with her mother or her father. Maybe they had reasons, maybe not. We don't know.

Kristine

It would have been nice if her parents had given her those reasons! It sounds to me like this came to a total shock to her. I sure wouldn't want to do that to my kids, EVER. Even if we were totally estranged, I'd either leave them something or give them a good explanation as to why I didn't.

 

[connorlevismom]

It would have been nice if her parents had given her those reasons! It sounds to me like this came to a total shock to her. I sure wouldn't want to do that to my kids, EVER. Even if we were totally estranged, I'd either leave them something or give them a good explanation as to why I didn't.

I totally agree with you, they should have told her. I would never do that to my kid either, but like I said, we don't know this situation so it is hard to say that they should have left her something.

But I do agree, it should not have been a shock.

Kristine

 

[Pigeon]

It was your mother's money to deal with as she saw fit. I see nothing wrong with leaving it to her spouse.

My father remarried after my mom died, and I assume he is leaving his money to her, but I don't know. I certainly wouldn't be upset about it. His money, his decision.

 

[Colleen27]

I have to disagree. I have been with my DH for 10 years and if I died tomorrow, does that make me a stranger to him? He planned to spend the rest of his life with me and my life was cut short.

That is completely rediculous, IMO.

I agree. Ten years, even in the best of circumstances, is a long time in the context of a human life. I've been with my DH coming up on 11 years. That's been long enough for us to get married, buy a home and then a larger one, start a business together, and have children. All of our planning for the future is joint; my retirement savings are part of his planning and vice-versa. I would assume the same to be true for most couples, and especially for same-sex couples since they're generally shut out of receiving their spouse's pension and social security benefits.

 

[NMAmy]

I've recently witnessed a couple of familes where the estate of a parent was divided pretty unfairly between the children. While the parents may or may not have had a perfectly logical reason in their minds for this division, it causes hurt feelings and can tear the surviving family members apart.

From what I've seen, it's not the money that is the true issue but the feeling of favoritism and that the will made it seem the parent loved one or two children more than the others by not dividing things evenly. Yes, the parent had every right to divvy things up however they wanted to--but it does show a lack of respect for all the children's feelings and can cause pain for both the favored child and the others.

I think that the OP may be feeling the same way--that the mother did not love the OP as much as her partner. Losing a parent is so difficult and this kind of situation makes it even harder to deal with. I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[bicker]

Ten years is a long time -- way more than enough to overcome any concerns about how long the two were together, afaic. I think the claim that that's a short period of time is not just a red herring, but patently incorrect.