How to handle Grandparents favoring one set of Grandkids over another?

[luvsJack]

It almost sounds like the sil is more the problem than mil. When you say your mil takes care of your nieces and nephews, do you mean that she does everything for them rather than their mother doing anything?

 

[sk!mom]

Yeah, I agree I'm being overly worrisome about someone finding out it is me that wrote this. Some of the posts from my regular account reveal where I live, that's why I decided on a new username.

But if you're considering confronting them, why make a new name. If they figure out that it's you then they'll know you're bugged without the confrontation.

Sorry, "new names" turn me off.

 

[Bluestars]

I understand what you are saying. I have experienced something similar. My mom helped raise a two of one of my brother's kids and she views them almost like her own children. I haven't lived in the same state as my parents since I moved away to college. My mom has a completely different relationship with my kids and with the kids of my other siblings. It is what it is.

I think accepting the situation for what it is and not expecting things that aren't going to happen might help take the edge off of the resentful feelings. My kids never felt left out or anything. They could see that my mom was closer to the grandchildren she helped raise and who have always lived near her. Maybe it helped that we only visited once a year because they lived across the country.

As far as the SIL always being there, I don't think you have much control over that. I would just accept it and make the best of it.

 

[StitchBuddy]

We had a similar experience with my MIL. However, I don't think it is that she really loved them more or mine less. It's just that she lived nearer to them and kept them often. She was more comfortable with them and thm with her.

 

[Skywalker]

So the sister-in-law is a single parent with drug and alcohol issues? I think mother-in-law can see the train wreck those kids lives could become and might be kind of overcompensating, even subconsciously, by giving them extra love and attention. Sounds like she is probably a real mother figure to the kids too. Now couple that with the fact you said your husband is by far the most independent of the kids and maybe she is kind of assuming your kids are independent and low maintenance like their dad.


I think you should cut them some slack. You say they are good people and I am sure they are trying their best, sometimes that means putting their energy to where they think it is most good. You know the old saying, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. The other wheels are still appreciated lol.

I also know what it is like to be introverted and let everything bottle up to the point that you get extra-sensitive to things. All the little hurts and slights get swallowed down while the other person goes merrily on having no idea you are being hurt. But that is not their fault, really. It sounds like they are all a really close family unit and you might just have to learn to deal with that. Take them as they are at this point in life, a package deal. Jealousy is not a good reason to break off contact with otherwise good people. I also think maybe you have to let go of the unrealistic expectation that people will behave the way you want them too.

 

[pigletgirl]

OP, I can relate. DH's brother and his wife welcomed a new little girl in December. They live 5 minutes from DH's parents. I can already tell that this new little life has a bit more significance to them versus our little girl. Granted, we moved over a 1000 miles away and they see her 2x/year and we Skype probably once a month. But, I can tell she isn't their favorite and won't be. It is what it is. They love her, they care about her, but it just isn't the same when we don't see each other on a regular basis. I take it for what it is and move on.

 

[sasywtch]

The problem with asking for opinions or advice on family situations is the same posters seem to come to the thread and bring their personal experience and project it onto someone else's situation. IMHO I don't see passive-aggressive or toxic grandparents, I see some grandchildren are closer to the grandparents because physically they ARE closer. They share their daily lives. It's more normal/common in the real world than what is being portrayed here on these boards.

My cousins lived in the same apt building when we were kids as our paternal grandparents. They shared more on a daily basis. No one felt slighted or does now. Why not just encourage a relationship that your kids do have ? Kids can still feel loved without feeling like they are second best. IMHO (with 6 decades of living) I feel it's not the kids but the adults that seem to feel more slighted.

Yes, yes and yes!

 

[ronandannette]

I don't want to stop visiting, I worry this will be worse for my kids than what is happening. I do think that they care about my kids, they have always been a part of their lives. The situation has always existed (some favoritism), since my 1st was born, worsened about five years ago, to now where we are at what I described today. Again, FIL noticeably tries, but the time is limited.

What exactly is it that you want from the IL's? You've alluded several times to Grandpa's efforts, but that it's never enough. I'm thinking it's actually something about Grandma that's really bugging you - somewhere that she is falling short of your expectations. And maybe your expectations aren't very realistic; maybe what you describe as her "ignoring" your kids is actually just a lack of "doting" on them? If absolutely nothing other than her complete, undivided attention to your kids will satisfy, I really, really think you need to say something. ASK for what you want - be specific - don't make them guess. Then they (or more to the point, she) will at least have a shot at giving it to you. Do they even have any inkling how much pent-up resentment you have?

 

[Skywalker]

ASK for what you want [/I][/B]- be specific - don't make them guess. Then they (or more to the point, she) will at least have a shot at giving it to you. Do they even have any inkling how much pent-up resentment you have?

Agree, and I think the babysitting was a perfect example. You said you asked the grandparents to babysit, and then you were upset the other grandkids were there too. Did you specifically ask them to spend quality time alone with your kids, or did you just ask them to babysit? Because they probably thought it would have been more fun to have all the grandkids together and have a blast. Win-win, probably, in their minds, never knowing you felt slighted about this. I know when I was younger, I loved hanging out with all my cousins when we got the chance, maybe they all feel the same way in the family except you.

Also you said you have asked them to babysit 3 times, and this "incident" happened the most recent time. What happened the other 2 times?

 

[Julylady]

This has been an interesting thread and brought back memories from my childhood? My sibs and I were always much closer to my Mom's parents than my Dad's. My paternal Grandma was very cold and seemed to disapprove of us. We rarely spent time there without my parents. When we did, my cousins were always there as well. Similar situation to OPs. My Mom told me recently that ny Gramdma flat out refused to babysit us. She said she couldn't handle us. They were much closer to their daughters kids who I admit were quieter kids. In our teens, we realized that she and Grandpa loved to play board games, something my Mom did not do. A couple of times a month, either my brother or I or both of us would go over and play cards or games with them. They died when I was in my 20s, but I remember those times fondly. I realize now, that she loved us deeply but couldnt openly express it the way my other Grandma did.

I think, in general, Moms raise their kids the way they were raised. We were very active kids. I think we just overwhelmed my Grandma. I know from my Mom that my Grandma did disapprove of some of her parenting techniques. My Grandparents believed that children should be seen, but not heard.

So OP, don't give up hope! Maybe try to find something that your kids and Grandma can share together. Send drawings, stories that you kids have written, or have them send an email. I suspect that Grandma feels like a co-parent to those other grandkids. She doesn't need to play that same role to your kids. That may be a relief to her! She probably has no clue you feel the way you do. I hope your relationship improves.

 

[newdisneygal]

It almost sounds like the sil is more the problem than mil. When you say your mil takes care of your nieces and nephews, do you mean that she does everything for them rather than their mother doing anything?

 

[Happy Snowman]

Our kids are closer to the grandparents that lived farther away (10 hours), or were when they were alive. They made much more of an effort to be involved in their lives and actually saw them more than the grandparents that lived 30 miles away. Distance doesn't always matter.

I have to say, talking to my adult cousins a few years ago, it was pretty humorous because growing up, we heard how great our other cousins were all the time from my one grandma, they in turn heard how great we were LOL. We lived down the street and they lived across the country. I don't know that we were any more or less close to that Grandma than our cousins were though. They did a good job staying in touch and visiting and she would go visit them as well.

 

[Lionqueen2]

As a grandmother, I think your MIL has dropped the ball here and understand how you feel. I think when you visit her, she should be making a fuss over your children. She sees SIL's children on a regular basis and can do that every day, but can only do that in person on limited occasions.

I also didn't see you mention that she tries to contact your children and talk with them on the phone or Skype them. Just because she lives away from them is no reason not to be 'in your children's lives' She should be showing interest in them whether they live 1000 miles away or next door and when they visit, she should dote on them. Having other grandchildren nearby is not reason for her actions toward yours.

However, I do agree with many others who say that she may not change and you might need to accept her the way she is. If so, it is going to be her loss in the long run. If she doesn't figure it out, your children sure will.

Perhaps you could try phoning MIL on a regular basis and putting each of your children on the phone to speak with her. Have them prepared to tell her one recent thing that happened in their lives. It doesn't have to be a long conversation, but could be something as simple as telling about a good mark on a test, something new they bought, etc. Try to have them tell MIL that they love her before ending their conversations. It may be a start in bringing your children closer to her and helping to put them in a better place in her life.

 

[newdisneygal]

Agree, and I think the babysitting was a perfect example. You said you asked the grandparents to babysit, and then you were upset the other grandkids were there too. Did you specifically ask them to spend quality time alone with your kids, or did you just ask them to babysit? Because they probably thought it would have been more fun to have all the grandkids together and have a blast. Win-win, probably, in their minds, never knowing you felt slighted about this. I know when I was younger, I loved hanging out with all my cousins when we got the chance, maybe they all feel the same way in the family except you.

Also you said you have asked them to babysit 3 times, and this "incident" happened the most recent time. What happened the other 2 times?

 

[luvsJack]

It's a bit of both, MIL and DSIL both do the necessary things for the kids, and MIL does a lot of holding them.

Its very possible that she simply has more of a parental bond with those children and she doesnt with yours. Nor does she need to because they have you. She is basically raising those children so its going to be different. Nothing you can do about it.

I would figure out some way to give them some one on one time and tell her that is what you are doing. She may think the kids have more fun when they are all there. You just need to tell her and fil straight up that your kids need some bonding time with them that doesn't include the other kids.

But just know that it will always be different between the kids to some degree.

 

[okeydokey]

I agree that you need to be more clear about what you would like. Your in-laws may think that of course your kids want to spend their time with their cousins. It's more fun than spending time with just the old folks!

Next time you visit, tell your in-laws that your kids want to "take them out" on an ice cream date, just the two of them. Or to lunch or a movie. Give some cash to your oldest to pay the check.

 

[newdisneygal]

As a grandmother, I think your MIL has dropped the ball here and understand how you feel. I think when you visit her, she should be making a fuss over your children. She sees SIL's children on a regular basis and can do that every day, but can only do that in person on limited occasions.

I also didn't see you mention that she tries to contact your children and talk with them on the phone or Skype them. Just because she lives away from them is no reason not to be 'in your children's lives' She should be showing interest in them whether they live 1000 miles away or next door and when they visit, she should dote on them. Having other grandchildren nearby is not reason for her actions toward yours.

However, I do agree with many others who say that she may not change and you might need to accept her the way she is. If so, it is going to be her loss in the long run. If she doesn't figure it out, your children sure will.

Perhaps you could try phoning MIL on a regular basis and putting each of your children on the phone to speak with her. Have them prepared to tell her one recent thing that happened in their lives. It doesn't have to be a long conversation, but could be something as simple as telling about a good mark on a test, something new they bought, etc. Try to have them tell MIL that they love her before ending their conversations. It may be a start in bringing your children closer to her and helping to put them in a better place in her life.

 

[lovemygoofy]

No, we didn't specifically say we wanted the babysitting day to be some quality time for them. To be honest, I never thought about it, but don't know how we didn't see what was going to happen ahead of time. I'll add that the other grandkids are not even close to the ages of my kids, at the time of this particular babysitting, the cousins all required a lot more care and attention than my kids would. And, they didn't stay home, they attempted an outing with all of them. In the end, I was just happy my kids were returned to me safely and decided we'd never be put in that situation again.

Another babysitting time was when oldest was a baby, and that went well. The other time was at our house, and we set our expectations ahead of time, and that also went well.

I think from here on out we will invite the in laws to do more with us in our town, with the precursor that the invite is for them, and if they want to come great, if they don't, that's ok too. And when we head to DH's hometown, we will stay in a hotel, visit for the amount we'd like to, then do our own thing the remainder of the time. This will be met with a lot of hurt feelings though.

I think the dynamic is completely different between the other grandkids (SIL's kids anyways) than yours. First your children have to two happy, healthy functioning parents. The cousins do not. For all purposes it sounds like your husband's parents are raising the children. It's not a simple grandparent relationship. They are the parents giving the love and stability that the children need and it just changes the relationships with those children.

Is it possible when you go visit to watch the younger cousins and allow your children grandparent time? You said your FIL is trying but sounds like your MIL is busy stepping into the maternal role for the other kids. I don't think it means she loves your children less but filling a role that is needed.

 

[Katy Belle]

Hugs to you!
Our situation is very strangely similar to yours. I don't have advice, just hugs!

 

[newdisneygal]

Its very possible that she simply has more of a parental bond with those children and she doesnt with yours. Nor does she need to because they have you. She is basically raising those children so its going to be different. Nothing you can do about it.

I would figure out some way to give them some one on one time and tell her that is what you are doing. She may think the kids have more fun when they are all there. You just need to tell her and fil straight up that your kids need some bonding time with them that doesn't include the other kids.

But just know that it will always be different between the kids to some degree.