How to discreetly help a friend?

[Karista]

My best friend just confided in me this morning that things are majorly bad for their family right now and she has to put groceries on her credit card just to get by. I've known this family forever and I know that she was venting not looking for a hand out. Anyhow, I would like to help them out somehow but now sure how. I had thought about getting a grocery store gift card and just leaving it in their mailbox, but that might be a little too obvious (not to mention illegal). They are pretty proud and wouldn't accept a direct gift. Any suggestions on an anonymous way to help them get over this hump?

 

[ducklite]

Here's what I would do. I would contact their church pastor, or another person along those lines, and confide in them about the situation. They deal with this type of thing all the time, and know how to manage it while allowing people to keep their dignity. Give the pastor the gift card to give them. He can also help point them to other services.

Anne

 

[bananiem]

You could mail them a gift card anonymously. Or invite them over for a few meals at your house.

 

[padams]

Invite them over for dinner.

 

[hugsquared]

What a good friend. The idea about the pastor was a good one.
Why is it illegal to leave something in someones mailbox? I've never heard of that.

 

[mom2boys]

Invite them over for dinner.

and send the leftovers home with them.

Do they have kids in school? Contact the school & put maney on the kids' lunch account. You don't have to go into specifics with the school.

 

[eleanor]

I give a monthly gift card to a church for a lady who really needs a hand at this time.They then give it to her as part of the churches outreach. It works very well.

 

[mt2]

Why is it illegal to leave something in someones mailbox? I've never heard of that.

Your mailbox is for postal workers only. I believe that it could be considered a federal offense to "tamper" with any mailbox.

I know that this person wouldn't do this but think of the unibomber. The feds were involved because it was in mailboxes.

 

[diznygirl]

Whatever you do "discreetly" might be traced back to you anyway since she confided in you, and possibly no one else. I agree with the inviting over to dinner thing. Be sure to make it a game night or something so it's not perceived as charity.

You are a good friend.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I'm not sure what you could do, but personally, I would feel betrayed if I confided in someone and they told anyone else...the church, or the school...anyone...and JMHO, but doing anything anonymously might make her feel awkward about "who out there knows?" It's not a shameful situation to have financial problems, but it is a personal one, and there's the issue of pride. I think what I would do is reassure her that there's help out there (and where), and that there's no shame in getting it. You also might want to tell her that you feel she is a dear friend, and that at this time, you are able to help out a bit and welcome the opportunity to do so (in whatever way you choose, or ask what you can do to help).

 

[NMAmy]

I've done this before for co-workers who I knew were struggling--I've simply put cash or a gift card in a plain envelope, wrapped in a plain piece of paper on which I've typed, "Everyone needs a little help occasionally. When things get better, please pass this on to someone else who can use a helping hand." I type the envelope, too, so there will be no handwriting.

There have been times in my life when friends have helped me financially--I like to pass it on.

 

[experiment626mom]

Buy them nonperishables and leave them on the doorstep. You're a great friend.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I've done this before for co-workers who I knew were struggling--I've simply put cash or a gift card in a plain envelope, wrapped in a plain piece of paper on which I've typed, "Everyone needs a little help occasionally. When things get better, please pass this on to someone else who can use a helping hand." I type the envelope, too, so there will be no handwriting.

There have been times in my life when friends have helped me financially--I like to pass it on.

This is exactly what I've done, but I used different words.

I just basically said that right now I was glad I was in a position to help, and when my coworker was in a position to help to pass it on.

A few weeks later she came up to me and said she figured out it was me and wanted to say thank you. We just hugged.

Sometimes, knowing that someone cares enough to help out means more than the actual help, whether it be financial or other.

 

[MinnieM3]

Really discreet might be to invite them to a cookout/BBQ. Or cook doubles of your favorite meals and take it by saying you made too much.... or you bought the wrong school supplies, could they use them? Just a thought.

 

[Caradana]

I think these are all terrific suggestions. I also suggest supermarket gift certificates. I've found that people in need are grateful for those, and they seem efficient and not "over the top."

 

[disneymom3]

I was in this position previously. (The friend in need one.) During this time, our pastor did send us some money and we also got an annonymous donation of a Target card and some cash left for us at the church office. However, they did know that DH was unemployed at the time, so that made it easier.

A year later, we were still really struggling though DH did have a job and most people figured things were a lot better. My sister though, gave us a gift of cash at Christmas time and a card that said, "I have been there and I know what this time is like. Please use this to get something for the kids that you would not be able to otherwise." Still makes me cry to think of it. It is hard to admit you need help but really touches you when someone reaches out in concern.

If you don't think this friend would react well to a gift and a card, I would just send the gift card without a note.