How to deal with some teenage boys (long)

[Tiggeroo]

I live a few houses from the beach. It is a small 3 bedroom condo with 5 others in the building. We share our bike rack and yard area with several other buildings. The same with my outside shower. My sons and all of their friends surf, and quite a few of the boys have to get rides to the island to go surfing for the day. They have pretty much called my house base for the summer. I don't mind because they are good kids, who are respectful to my neighbors. In fact my neighbors love them. So much so that some of them have also invited the boys into their house, and their is a couple above me who often let the boys hang in their unit, and they feed them.
The problem is these boys seem to have parents who pay no attention to what is going on at all. They would think nothing of dropping them at 6am and not hearing from them all day. Where did they think they were eating, going to the bathroom, showering, etc. Sometimes the boys would stay at my place overnight and the parents didn't seem to care, or necessarily even know. There have been times when I told them they couldn't sleep at my place and they would be roaming the streets at 2am, til I felt bad and brought them into my place. There were times when I got tired of it all and told them all to go home, I want my place to myself.
The problem is this group has grown. There are like 12 boys hanging here. They are here even when my sons aren't. They leave their boards on my back porch and come back to get a shower at the end of the day. I have dropped several hints now that school is starting. I want things to be very normal during the school year. Finally I told them, no you can't be here during the school year. I need my sons to take their school work seriously. If they get to surf during the school year it will be for an hour after school, if all of their homework and chores are done, and for some time on the weekends if the same is done. It will be difficult to enforce if these kids are dropped off here right after school, and can't leave if they don't have a ride. Again the kids were here today, but they had gotten my upstairs neighbor to let them stay there for the day. Aargh.
I don't know the parents of the worst offenders. I guess I will have to call them, but judging by other things, I don't think it will matter. In the middle of all this are my sons, who don't want to lose their friends, but also get sick of some of the nonsense and don't want me to be upset about it. If the boys hang upstairs with my neighbor all of my other neighbors will assume they are here with me. He is a softy and they walk all over him so if they don't clean up there stuff, or are loud I'm worried I will be getting the blame for it as I am the only one in our building with teen boys.
Any thoughts?

 

[bsnyder]

Tig,

You need to put your foot down. And so do I!

I've dealt with some of the same issues, because my son is in two bands. He's the drummer, so they practice here and everyone leaves most of their equipment here in our garage. I fed most of these boys throughout the summer. And, like you, I don't really mind doing it and I like having the kids here. (Although the music does get on my nerves sometimes, but I can always go for a long shopping spree! LOL!)

But now that they are back to school, I get irritated that there here in the afternoons, on school days. I have a younger daughter and she needs to start on her homework. We haven't formally addressed the issue yet, I've just hinted to my son that he better get the situation under control, and fast, or I'll lay down the law and they probably won't like my solution.

Let me know how you decide to handle this....I'll be interested to know how it goes.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Bet, glad to hear I'm not the only one. Like you I really don't mind. In fact I'm glad to always know where my sons are. It just seems that for the boys there is no middle ground. I can't just nicely say, this needs to cut back. I can't say only 3 boys at a time because how do you choose. I wish the parents would just take charge on their own. If my kid was at somebodies house all the time I would talk to that parent and see how things are going.
I've given my son a chance to deal with it. It ends up putting lots of stress on him because then he is always yelling at his friends. The kids are clueless. I say they need to leave so they bring me some kind of gift, like a couple of them work at Ben and Jerry's which is closing for the season so they brought me a huge amount of B&J's ice cream. Then they all start bringing their stuff here again. Or they scrub my porch and driveway. They think it's just the mess or food. It's not, I just want a normal schedule.
Right now, my rule is going to be do not get dropped off at my house unless my sons are home and allowed to go out/have company. And my sons have to check with me on that. And mostly I will be saying no on school days. My boys both run cross country so they have practice after school and meets during the week and on Saturdays. I'll be like yay no kids, I can lounge around in my pj's and eat cold pizza. Then all their friends are here anyways.

 

[CEDmom]

I agree with BSnyder. While I don't have boys I do have 3 brothers and remember very well the antics they tried. My mom was tough though and was quick to lay down the law. She didn't care what these other kids thought of her it was her house and if they didn't like the rules then they could go elsewhere. We had a basketball court in our backyard which was a big draw for the neighborhood kids. Her rules were pretty simple no one was allowed to play on it unless one of us was out there playing; we couldn't go out unless our homework and chores were done; no one could play after 7pm on school nights and 9pm on weekends. Believe me my mom is one of the kindest people I know but she's also someone I'd never mess with.

I'd sit everyone down including your neighbor and work out some rules. You also might want to consider any liability risks on your homeowners insurance by allowing these boys on your property while you're not there.

Good luck.

 

[Tiggeroo]

CedMom - your mom's rules sound very simlar to the ones I'm planning on laying down. One of the reasons they are here so much is that i'm a teacher. So my schedule coincides with the kids. They come to me like their mom. These big 16yo boys come to me when they get a splinter in their foot or a bad cut or sunburn. It is quite funny actually.
I was looking for a middle ground where my sons would feel comfortable with their friends around but where I wouldn't feel taken advantage of. And I can get a break policing these kids. Even though they are good kids, I still am here to say you're getting too loud, or clean up that lunch mess, etc. And most of these kids seem to have no afterschool chores or homework. Often to them I seem like a meany because my boys room has to be kept reasonably neat, they have turns at dishes, and they have to clean up one room every weekend.