How much would you budget for this gift?

[robinb]

I am trying to tread carefully here and not flame you as requested. It seems to me that your DH's ex made it very difficult for him to be a father and 4 years ago you washed your hands of the ex. While I am sure that it was a decision that you thought long and hard over, I think that decision is the at the core of what is happening now. By pushing her away so far that you even pretend not to see her in the grocery store you pushed away the daughter too. And now you are wringing your hands over what the daughter has become without your DH's input.

My advise is to not burn your bridges with the daughter. Don't write any letters meant to make you feel better but will only widen the divide between your DH and his DD. If she actually does graduate, have your DH go to the graduation. He doesn't need to sit near the mom but he needs to be there for his daughter. Give her a graduation gift of about $100 and a nice card. If she doesn't graduate, offer to pay for her GED when she's ready.

 

[hffmnheidi]

I am guessing the Aunt is from the Mom's side. Did your Dad ever extend an invitation to dinner? Did your Dad ever stop by the dorm with a little care package? Did the son play sports? Did he ever bother to go to a game?

.

We live two hours away from where he lived, but my dad did offer for him to come and spend the week after Christmas and the week of Spring Break every year until the child's mother told my dad he wasn't wanted in his son's life and the son actually wrote my dad a letter that he didn't want anything to do with us(because he once called my mom a ***** and my dad made him apologize to her). We didn't find out where he went to college until after the fact. And yes, the aunt is the child's mother and actually married to one of my dad's brother And he was not involved in sports-more serious student. He is a grown man and didn't bother to tell my dad when both of the grandchildren were born.

 

[badblackpug]

"As we cannot choose our parents, we cannot choose our children either! She is under the influence of her mother, but there are many examples of teens/children who stayed with the parent who provided a healthier lifestyle. She chose the mother. The daughter is not stupid. She knows exactly what is going on."


Yup! That is sooo true. She loves the drama- she does get that from her mom. And we have went thru the "maybe she is reaching out" stages a couple times....we went to counseling- (mom started taking her to set up that DH was a deadbeat- which might have worked- except when the Dr. mailed him a letter he was in there the same day- even the Dr. said after what he had been told he was surprised to see him!- SO the jig was up on the mom and she wouldn't go anymore- we are the ones that hunkered down and went for MONTHS every week to show our support). Years ago we had DD here more than the mom- she has her own room here and everything- spent all holidays here (Christmas morning- who gives up their daughter EVERY Christmas morning??? But we were glad to have her! And yes she was treated EXACTLY the same as the others with gifts- I would have it no other way!). Basically once she got old enough for us to tell her she had to be responsible for actions- then we were evil and the mom was always mad- saying we were trying to make her look bad (not the case...we are not stupid enough to ever say bad things about her mom- but we did get to a point that we told her SHE was old enough to take responsibility for her actions). We drew the line a couple times- and held it- and NO ONE does that with this child (extended family included) so we were odd man out.

We have not been the one to bail her out yet ever. So my thought was that although I think paying the fine is letting her off.....maybe this one time we would do it and then no one would say we never give her a break or something. Now after reading everyone's opinions I am not so sure.

Flowers is a nice idea, except DH thinks they are such a waste of money!

One year for Christmas I made her a money tree- mini tree with gift card "ornaments" hanging from it and cash "bows"- but since I have already done that and cash is out....

So much of this just sounds so much like typical adolescent BS. Any child worth their salt is going to choose to live in the house where there is no rules and no responsibility. ( BTDT with ex's daughter. Mom's house had no rules, no responsibility, it was the "fun" place where you could stay up all night, not go to school, not do homework, and mom was your friend, not an authority figure) Naturally, when you are allowed to do as you please, the people who enforce the rules are the bad guys, the "toughs." While this girl is chronologically an adult, emotionally, she is a child. You need to keep in mind who the adults are and who the child is. I am not saying you should tolerate her disrespectful attitude, but you should remember that there are a lot of factors in play here. I know you said you didn't want any flames, but as another poster stated, going as far as to ignore your child's mother as if she were a stranger in the grocery store, does very little to paint you in the light of being the mature, reasonable ones, and really just adds fuel to the mothers fire.

Just try your best to keep the lines of communication open. Send a nice gift, because, surely, if you don't it will always be remembered that "dad didn't even acknowledge my graduation." Dad should go to the graduation. As others have said, he doesn't need to sit with the rest, just make the effort to let the daughter know that he was there.

 

[prncess674]

We live two hours away from where he lived, but my dad did offer for him to come and spend the week after Christmas and the week of Spring Break every year until the child's mother told my dad he wasn't wanted in his son's life and the son actually wrote my dad a letter that he didn't want anything to do with us(because he once called my mom a ***** and my dad made him apologize to her). We didn't find out where he went to college until after the fact. And yes, the aunt is the child's mother and actually married to one of my dad's brother And he was not involved in sports-more serious student. He is a grown man and didn't bother to tell my dad when both of the grandchildren were born.

Yes, but the fact remains that your Dad didn't reach out to him when he found out where son went to college, son probably never felt wanted. Why should he have bothered to call his Dad and let him know where he was going to school? They are both acting immature. If your Dad really wants a relationship he can be the bigger man and reach out as a peace offering. Being standoff-ish is just as bad. Sure son is being stubborn, but if your Dad wants a relationship with his grandchildren reach out, don't just stand there huffing and blowing "Well HE didn't call me, so I am not going to reach out to him." Your Dad decided not to reach out simply because of a letter an immature teenager wrote many years ago? They are now all grown adults and now MORE people are missing out on family ties.

 

[SunnieRN]

I agree. You can sit on the other side of the venue than the mother, but even if she doesn't acknowledge that you are there it will make a huge difference in her mind. If you don't show up to a once in a lifetime event she can always say "Well my scummy Dad didn't even bother to show up at my graduation." Be the better man, sit quietly and even if you just smile and wave at her and leave directly afterwards, your presence will be noticed.

Most graduations are in huge auditoriums. It takes two to fight. Sit respectfully on the other side. Say a hearty congrats after ceremony and leave peacefully.

I totally understand what you are saying, except that any high school/college graduations I have gone to have been ticketed events. You could not just "show up" and expect admission.

With the daughter asking the school to cut off communication with her Dad, I wonder if he would even be able to go?

I think my first step would be to go to the school office. Ask the principal for advice, ability, to obtain a ticket for graduation etc. No matter what is done/not done, I am afraid until she is older, more mature, nothing will be right.

I really feel for your family as this is a very stressful situation that may not have an easy solution.

 

[prncess674]

I totally understand what you are saying, except that any high school/college graduations I have gone to have been ticketed events. You could not just "show up" and expect admission.

With the daughter asking the school to cut off communication with her Dad, I wonder if he would even be able to go?

I think my first step would be to go to the school office. Ask the principal for advice, ability, to obtain a ticket for graduation etc. No matter what is done/not done, I am afraid until she is older, more mature, nothing will be right.

I really feel for your family as this is a very stressful situation that may not have an easy solution.

I have never been to a ticketed graduation. All the high schools in my county (acutally Parish since it is Louisiana) are held at a huge auditorium. They stack the graduations all in a weekend and just change out the school banner and floral arrangements to the appropriate school color. Plenty of seating.

If the event is ticketed then send a floral bouquet with a thoughtful note stating "Congrats, wishing you all the best in life" which then shows he acknowledged the day. He can also ASK THE DAUGHTER for a ticket. If she says no, then so be it, but he did make an effort showing that he wanted to there for her. Hoping that an immature teenager is going to reach out to him is unreasonable. He needs to be the bigger person and reach out and ask for a ticket stating that he WANTS to be there for her.

 

[ShannonMB]

Years ago we had DD here more than the mom- she has her own room here and everything- spent all holidays here (Christmas morning- who gives up their daughter EVERY Christmas morning??? But we were glad to have her! And yes she was treated EXACTLY the same as the others with gifts- I would have it no other way!).

If this is the case, then there MUST be a foundation there with this girl, and she really does probably feel caught in the middle. On the one hand, her dad has gone on to have another family/a happy life, and she just MUST see that her mom is the one who is wreck. For that reason alone, she probably feels like she really has to "stand" with her mom. And I'm sure she thinks that if her dad had just stayed with her mom, they could all be a happy family like you guys are (never mind that this apparently wouldn't have been possible with the mom). I imagine that she feels like if she were to really have a close relationship with you guys right now, it would be a betrayal to her mom. So sad she's in that position.

Make a collage or scrapbook of all the fun times you guys have had together. Let her know that her dad's love is unconditional and that he has no interest in taking anything away from her mom. He just would like to be her dad, whatever that means to her. It might be hard for him to find out if/when she's graduating, but if he does, maybe just HE go, not your whole family. Just a dad showing up to something important for his daughter, not a scene, not an us-against-them. I love the idea of paying for her GED classes if she DOESN'T graduate.

Again, best of luck. What an awful situation.

 

[SandrA9810]

I know graduations around here require tickets, each student gets like 4 passes or something. And if one has a bigger family, they usually ask friends for any extras.

I would check with the school on how the ceremony will work before preparing to go. If you do need the ticket, then ask the daughter for one, even if you know she'll say no. So later on down the road, she can't say he didn't even try.

 

[sasmmb]

I like the letter idea, but given her maturity level I think it would be nice to approach it from an unusual standpoint. Instead of saying things like "I am proud of you" and "I will always be here for you", which focus as much on the writer as it does the reader, it would be great if your DH could simply list her good qualities and attributes (it sounds like he may have to think long and hard!). Things like "you show tremendous compassion to Thunder Kitty" and "you are smart and courageous". It's amazingly tough to write a letter that excludes the words "I" and "me" and will challenge all of your vocabulary skills, but she will probably treasure it more than anything else since it is very centered on her. And also gives her less leverage to disregard any of DH's comments. Present or not, heck even graduation or not, it may go a long way to smoothing the path for the future.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, the only thing you can control in this situation is your actions and reactions. I would suggest that your dh and you decide on what you would of liked to have given her for graduation if all this bad stuff had not happened. Regardless of what she can or cannot do with the gift; as for as selling it, buy her the gift you would have before all this happened.

She may not keep the gift, she may sell it. But she won't forget about it.

In this way, you will have taken the high road. And in years to come she really will think back on it and remember that Dad was there for her no matter what. She is going to need that when Mom realizes the money train has run out.

I would suggest that your dh try to be there for the graduation too. Even if its just maybe seeing her for just a minute outside the ceremony, it may be just what is needed to mend the relationship.

 

[sk!mom]

What do you plan to do for your other children when they graduate? I would do the same for this child.

For my DS25, I made a scrapbook of his high school years, hosted a barbeque, gave him concert tickets and a fun weekend celebration trip, and a car.

 

[ShannonMB]

What do you plan to do for your other children when they graduate? I would do the same for this child.

For my DS25, I made a scrapbook of his high school years, hosted a barbeque, gave him concert tickets and a fun weekend celebration trip, and a car.

That sounds like an excessive amount to give to a girl who may not even be graduating, refers to you as Dad's &^%%* wife, probably uses drugs, and doesn't even care to invite you to the graduation. Just sayin'.

 

[sk!mom]

That sounds like an excessive amount to give to a girl who may not even be graduating, refers to you as Dad's &^%%* wife, probably uses drugs, and doesn't even care to invite you to the graduation. Just sayin'.

I'm not suggesting that she give the girl what i gave my child. The suggestion was to give whatever she will give her other children. If she doesn't end up graduating then there won't be the need for a gift at all.

 

[Taylors6]

OP here...concerning the ex and how hard its been for her- I have no sympathy there....I used to try to look at it like how hard her life must have been (the grandmother is a train wreck too) but when she started getting to the point of attacking the other children - saying nasty things to my DH about my DD (who was 3 when we married- and just 12 when she was making nasty comments about her) and our DS (who was just 7 or so when she was sending messages referring to how he was going to grow up to be gay....yes seriously...why you ask? Because he seemed feminine to her- well he did have 3 sisters for heavens sake!)- that is when I washed my hands of her and her toxic attitude. My husband did the same- because the abuse she was dishing out was so frequent and just stomach turning that there was no way not to. We don't acknowledge the mother because she basically is the type that if you say anything...then you are just opening a can of worms. When she asks DH a question (insurance # or something like that) he responds quickly with the needed information-but that is the extent of what we owe her at this point.

However- WE NEVER WASHED OUR HANDS OF HIS DAUGHTER. We just quit sucking up. We set rules for our house and she told him she was not going to come here then. These were not hard rules- put a clear nose ring in please (which we offered to buy) because we didn't like the nose ring and didn't like the influence around the other kids. No cussing- these kind of things. Afterall it is OUR HOUSE and the counselor we went to suggested we do draw boundaries that are appropriate for our family- we did that and have always told her she was welcome here.

Concerning what the other kids will get for graduation- my DD graduates next year and honestly I had thought $100 was appropriate. I love to give gifts- but we are not extravagant. A friend did say that she thought since my DD will definantly be going on to college that we should do a laptop or netbook. I might consider that- but not more than a netbook. It is still hard to tell though and there is a HUGE difference - my DH put it best once when he said that it is different- because the kids in this house choose to participate in our family and he doesn't get why the fact that she chooses not to would mean that we just act like thats ok and pretend that it is all the same.

We are just indifferent to the situation- but not guilty...and there is no "hand wringing" over the relationship. We know all that we have done and we hope and pray that she will change one day- but we will not cry in our pillow if she doesn't- its not fair for the other children....and that came from the counseler's mouth! I just wondered what others might think is an acceptable gift in the situation....and I thank those who gave suggestions! We know nothing we do will make any difference anyways- but we will still attempt something just because it is the right thing to do.

 

[ceecee]

Well without an invitation how do you even know if she's graduating? If he wants to go to the graduation, he'll need a ticket. Our school only gives 4 per graduate. He could send her a card with a check and wish her the best. Hopefully when she's older, she will realize what she did to allieniate herself from him and his new family. Maybe when she is out of the direct influence of her mother who may be putting her in the middle of all of it.

 

[hesedshi]

I agree with you!