Help Please! My son

[tolookaa5]

got a detention today for drawing a picture of another child(boy) in a dress and put his name on it and "gay" next to his name. He called me from school crying that he got detention and that he was supposed to give me the slip to sign last night and didn't so now he has another detention.

I told him that behavior was unacceptable and that he wouldn't like it if the boy drew him like that and he told me the boy drew a picture of him with a gun pointed at him. FYI: the boy got detention as well. But my question is,
I have run out of punishments for him. He wasn't handing in his homework so he had his game taken away. I tried taking the TV away. Things like that do not work. I don't know what to do. Do any of you have any suggestions???

Thanks

 

[mickeyboat]

Sounds to me like detention (the school's punishment) is enough for this time. Is this part of a pattern of behavior or an attitude, or a school boy's prank? If it is just a prank, let the school's punishment be enough. If it is a pattern of bad behavior or part of a bad attitude, then you need to address it further.

Denae

 

[phorsenuf]

How old is he?

 

[noseybuddy]

got a detention today for drawing a picture of another child(boy) in a dress and put his name on it and "gay" next to his name. He called me from school crying that he got detention and that he was supposed to give me the slip to sign last night and didn't so now he has another detention.

I told him that behavior was unacceptable and that he wouldn't like it if the boy drew him like that and he told me the boy drew a picture of him with a gun pointed at him. FYI: the boy got detention as well. But my question is,
I have run out of punishments for him. He wasn't handing in his homework so he had his game taken away. I tried taking the TV away. Things like that do not work. I don't know what to do. Do any of you have any suggestions???

Thanks

This could be just a phase he is going through, but if this kind of behavior continues for a period of time, I would take him to talk to someone. I am only saying this because my son didn't do bad things, but he had a really bad attitude about everything. I thought it was a phase, the teenage years, but now he has graduated from highschool and still no change. I really think my son needs help but now he is at the age where I really can't force him to go for help and he thinks he doesn't have a problem.

 

[tolookaa5]

THanks everyone.

He is 11 and this is the first time this has happened. There seems to be no pattern other than not handing in homework and getting bad grades but we have that under control now.
He got a 90 on a SS test which is incredible and he is handing in all his homework.
He does not have an attitude with anyone. He doesn't talk back or anything it is just basically the homework issues and grades that we have had problems with. Like I said this is the first time he has ever done something of this nature.

I think I will take your advice and let the detention be his punishment and if he continues then I will seek out help.
What worries me is he was bullied last year and I hope that this is not an effect of that.

Thanks again but please keep the suggestions coming I can use all the help I can get.

 

[Tiggeroo]

honestly, if he's a good kid talk to him about why this is wrong and esp. why calling somebody gay is wrong. Then let the detentions be the punishment. This is pretty typical 11yo behavior, as is the academic laziness. Clearly you don't ignore it. You take it seriously, which it seems you did about the grades. But don't see it for more then what it is.
Boys can be nasty to each other. He was probably standing up to the bully in the best way he could.

 

[Robinrs]

Gay seems to be the new middle school "insult"... my son says it's the word everyone seems to use to get under your skin. Sounds to me like he was doing it in retaliation, not to start the whole mess in the first place.

Having to admit it to you was the hardest punishment of all. That's why they make them do another detention until they do the dreaded admission to the parents.

It opened a discussion and I think he understands. Like you said it's not a pattern of behavior, more of a prank.

Hope things are okay. Like my Mom used to say, little kids, little problems; big kids, BIG problems.

He and you will be alright.

 

[Chattyaholic]

I have no suggestions, just understanding and support to offer.

I know how difficult it is, our DS was very willfull while growing up and only concerned himself with what he wanted to do at the moment, giving no thought as to what the consequences might be.

We took away many, many privileges over the years but that didn't really help.

I remember one time he'd gotten into trouble at school "one too many times" so we grounded him for the week. When he came home from school he had to go directly to his room and the only activity he could do was homework or read books. We went on a week to week basis, told him he would get off grounding if he could go a full week without any problems. He was grounded for 3 solid months.

Sometimes DH would make him go out and scrub down the hog barn walls when he got into trouble and even THAT didn't phase him. Oh, he didn't like it at the time, but it didn't stop him from getting into future trouble.

Only time and eventually growing up helped. He is now 30 years old, married with children, and a production supervisor at a local car part manufacturing plant.

Good luck to you with your DS.

 

[CathrynRose]

Depends on your child...

My 15 y/o, doesnt matter what I say or do, he sucks it up and things dont really change much. I could say "We're going to amputate your legs" I'd get an "I dont care" even after I amputated them.

My 11 y/o, I can usually guilt trip him into anything. He doesnt like hearing how "disapointed" i am.

 

[bevtoy]

Its the same in our area middle and high schools. Detention JMHO is enough punishment.

Gay seems to be the new middle school "insult"... my son says it's the word everyone seems to use to get under your skin. Sounds to me like he was doing it in retaliation, not to start the whole mess in the first place.

Having to admit it to you was the hardest punishment of all. That's why they make them do another detention until they do the dreaded admission to the parents.

It opened a discussion and I think he understands. Like you said it's not a pattern of behavior, more of a prank.

Hope things are okay. Like my Mom used to say, little kids, little problems; big kids, BIG problems.

He and you will be alright.

 

[kellyg403]

When my oldest ds was in 5th grade, he had alot of the same troubles. He also on the surface had the "I don't care" attitude but, really he DID care. Just too manly to show it I guess. I let the first detention be his punishment, the 2nd time he got detention I also went to the school and added on punishment since only dentention the first time didn't work. I spoke with the janitor and for 3 days after school my son became his friend. Manual labor as it were. No more detention. Sometimes after the first time you have to become creative, especially if he is like my son!

Kelly

 

[diznygirl]

Sometimes kids do something stupid. Why? They don't even know. Just reinforce that this is bad, bad, bad and not to do it again. If he's a good kid like you say he will remember.

 

[Aidensmom]

I think the key is that he understands WHY he shouldn't do it. The school's consequence should be enough discipline for this particular instance of behavior, but you want to make sure he understands why this is a bad thing to do (and it sounds like you have talked to him about that) to help avoid it from becoming a repeated offense.

 

[VirtuallyMe]

Kids can be tricky sometimes...

My oldest ds really did give us a run for the money for many manyyears- I know at one time we were taking things away and went through where all he had was a bed in his room and that was it- and he would play with the dust bunnies lol-

I did find that when the kids have trouble at school the best punishments are done at the school. I like the PP's idea of the janitor work- I know the one thing I dislike is suspension for basic behaviors that just get out of hand- something like gum chewing are tardiness do not need suspensions- I would always argue this- when the kids are in middle school- and they get suspended they are off of school- in most cases the parents can't stay home with them so the kids get a day off school with tv, computers, etc yeah way to stop those unwanted behaviors lol

I think the previous advice for your son on this incident is good- definitely talk to your son about how his actions can hurt those around him. and yes talk to him about calling people gay- or any other names- and let the detentions stand as his punishments

 

[RitaZ.]

honestly, if he's a good kid talk to him about why this is wrong and esp. why calling somebody gay is wrong. Then let the detentions be the punishment. This is pretty typical 11yo behavior, as is the academic laziness. Clearly you don't ignore it. You take it seriously, which it seems you did about the grades. But don't see it for more then what it is.
Boys can be nasty to each other. He was probably standing up to the bully in the best way he could.

ITA with Tiggeroo's post.

I don't think you need to be rushing your DS to a therapist or anything like that. I think that detention is enough punishment.

 

[ozarkmom]

Depends on your child...

My 15 y/o, doesnt matter what I say or do, he sucks it up and things dont really change much. I could say "We're going to amputate your legs" I'd get an "I dont care" even after I amputated them.

My 11 y/o, I can usually guilt trip him into anything. He doesnt like hearing how "disapointed" i am.

Wow my DD is like your 15 y/o. You can take the things that you think she cares the most about and get a shoulder shrug and I don't care. It's infuriating!

 

[ozarkmom]

Its the same in our area middle and high schools. Detention JMHO is enough punishment.

Same around here we've went from retard to gay and I hate both and have forbidden them in my house.

 

[kellyg403]

Same around here we've went from retard to gay and I hate both and have forbidden them in my house.

Yes...both of those are punishable offenses here as well. I dislike both.

Kelly

 

[Liberty Belle]

Same around here we've went from retard to gay and I hate both and have forbidden them in my house.

Same here. "Retard" is forbidden and the punishment is harsh (though I haven't heard it in a long time). "Gay" is never to be used in a negative way in our house. I tell my son's friends that, too, when they come over.

 

[LindaM]

I'll never forget when my son who was in grade 3, him and a couple of his friends were calling a little girl ugly and telling her, her dad left her cause she was ugly. Needless to say we got the call from the school and all the boys had a detention. What we did was make our son buy this little girl a "sorry" card with his money, and he had to give it to her in class the next day. DS is now in grade 12 and still remembers that, and still comments how I made him use his money....but it worked for him, his name calling days ended there.