Help needed for a punishment that fits the crime

[cathyce2]

My DIS friends always have great ideas for these situations so I'm counting on you all to help me decide how to handle this one.

My younger DD had a special easter egg she won at a party. I don't know why she has been saving it, but she has been waiting for "just the right time" to eat it and the time has never arrived. Whatever, it's hers to eat or save.

Tonight I got my older DD's lunch box out to pack for school tomorrow and found the wrapper for the special egg. She had asked several times if she could have it (with the appropriate whining about it not being fair that she didn't get one) and was told "NO" in no uncertain terms by both me and her sister. I can only assume she snuck it off to camp two weeks ago, which was the last time she used her lunchbox.

I'm a firm believer that the punishment should fit the crime, but I don't know what's appropriate this time. There is no way to replace the egg for several months and even then the cost would be insignificant to the offender. She doesn't have anything particularly special that I could take away except her cell phone which I need her to have so I can check in after school. I could ground her, but she only goes to soccer practice and is invited to a friends party on Saturday, but it's not really fair to punish the team or her friend for her misdeed.

Any ideas?????

 

[Serena]

This is a tough one. There is nothing you can do to make this better and little sister will probably never forget it.

I think having a heart to heart, telling her she has probably damaged her relationship with her sister because of her greed or whatever it was. I would have her help decide how she is going to make up for this.

 

[AlleyKat]

My DIS friends always have great ideas for these situations so I'm counting on you all to help me decide how to handle this one.

My younger DD had a special easter egg she won at a party. I don't know why she has been saving it, but she has been waiting for "just the right time" to eat it and the time has never arrived. Whatever, it's hers to eat or save.

Tonight I got my older DD's lunch box out to pack for school tomorrow and found the wrapper for the special egg. She had asked several times if she could have it (with the appropriate whining about it not being fair that she didn't get one) and was told "NO" in no uncertain terms by both me and her sister. I can only assume she snuck it off to camp two weeks ago, which was the last time she used her lunchbox.

I'm a firm believer that the punishment should fit the crime, but I don't know what's appropriate this time. There is no way to replace the egg for several months and even then the cost would be insignificant to the offender. She doesn't have anything particularly special that I could take away except her cell phone which I need her to have so I can check in after school. I could ground her, but she only goes to soccer practice and is invited to a friends party on Saturday, but it's not really fair to punish the team or her friend for her misdeed.

Any ideas?????

After she apologizes, the "offender" has to do what her younger sister requests(within reason) for at least a week.

When the eggs become available again, your older daughter has to use her own money to purchase a reasonable facsimile for her sister.

 

[Sandy22]

I think she shouldn't go to the friend's party on Saturday.

 

[worm761]

I tend to be harsh but here is my take on it. One DD STOLE from the other. How would you punish if she stole something from you or the store? It really is the same thing. She took, and consumed something, she knew did not belong to her. By your own words, she knew she wasn't allowed to have it. So my thinking is, she knew what she was doing. She knowingly and willingly stole from her sister and should be punished accordingly.

How old are the girls? That would maybe change my view but I would still view it as voluntary theft.

 

[java]

I think you should let younger DD decide on what she deems fair punishment. Older dd has to apologize. She also needs to know that this is something that will be brought up years from now Sister's don't forget.

Now the eating is one punishment. But the being told not to and then doing it is a bigger offense imho- so I would have a different punishment for that one. And personally I would be not letting her go to the party. Unless it's her best friend- she can give the gift to the friend but not attend for lying.
but that's what I can say sitting here at my computer.Would I be able to enforce that in my own home I don't know. I have laid down some heavy consequences in my time.

 

[Deb in IA]

Since older DD took something from younger DD, then younger DD gets to take one item belonging to older DD.

 

[cathyce2]

How old are the girls? That would maybe change my view but I would still view it as voluntary theft.

The thief is 10, the egg saver is 5 1/2.

 

[Serena]

The thief is 10, the egg saver is 5 1/2.

10 is plenty odd enough to know what she was doing.

 

[canwegosoon]

I agree with saver daughter gets to take(and keep or destroy) something of true value of the theif daughter. A 10yo has the ability to know better. And no one should replace the 10yo's item at holiday or birthday time. What is gone needs to stay gone.

 

[Aristocath]

Are we talking about a chocolate egg? Some of this punishment seems a little harsh for eating chocolate. I'd take both kids to the store, let younger DD pick out some special candy and have older DD pay for it with her own money. I'd also talk to older DD about trust and making choices.

 

[minkydog]

The thief is 10, the egg saver is 5 1/2.

This was a sly,mean act and I don't blame you for being upset. DD#1 is old enough to know that what she did is morally unacceptable. She needs to apologize to both of you--her sister for eating the egg and to you for her deceit. She needs to be confined to the house except for school and church. I think I'd let her go to soccer, but I'd have her tell the coach what she did. Sometimes coaches can have an even bigger impact than us parents. Hopefully, he will take it seriously.

Oh, yeah, I would definitely cancel her party-going. It's too bad for the friend, but that's the punishment for stealing from your baby sister. She can take a gift over to the friend and explain why she can't stay. She's not allowed to bring home any treats and if she does, she gives them to DD#2. I'd be sure to confiscate the cell phone for the weekend, as well. She needs a nice boring weekend in her room.

 

[cathyce2]

Are we talking about a chocolate egg? Some of this punishment seems a little harsh for eating chocolate.

The fact is she stole something that was very important to her sister. Could have been cash, jewelry, a favorite toy...... this time it was a chocolate egg.

 

[WDWAurora]

I disagree with letting younger DD take something of older DD's...that's revenge, not restitution, and therefore teaching younger DD that revenge is the way to go. She did steal, but you are the parent and should administer the consequences, not younger DD. That being said, I do agree with the idea of taking them to the store and having younger DD pick a special treat and making older DD pay for it with her own money. No party on Saturday.

 

[MrsToad]

If this had occurred in our family, I wouldn't have been comfortable with the younger daughter taking something from the older daughter. I would likely have grounded the older daughter for a week and she would have missed the party. I would have, though, sent a gift to the birthday girl. I would have had the older daughter "make reparations" by replacing the egg with an item of equal value right then or when similar eggs were available, letting the younger daughter choose. Lastly, I might have assigned a bit of "community service" by having the older daughter do some of the younger daughter's chores or perform some other labor for the younger daughter such as help her clean her room.

In my mind, I would want the consequences to be immediate. I would want the lesson learned that even if the offense is not noticed immediately, the consequences would result as soon as the offense was discovered. I would have tried to ensure that the older daughter got the message that stealing anything from anyone would not be tolerated.

 

[scottishduffy]

I would possibly have older DD write younger DD a long letter which she would have to read aloud to her.

The letter would have to include such items as 1) I stole your property 2) I understand this was special to you because ____ 3) Stealing is wrong because ____ 4) I think it made you feel ____ 5) How it will affect your feelings toward me 6) How the crime made me feel 7) What i intend to do to make this up to you. Each section should have at least a paragraph. This whole letter would need to be real aloud to little sister and parents.

I never said it would be a short assignment but it would force her to think. It would be long and tedious as well.

After that have her make restitution to the little sister. The egg can not given back. But perhaps have the older girl read night time books to younger DD for a week a two (Have older DD pick out a favorite book and read a chapter each night to her sis). Or maybe have older sis pick up younger girls chores. Or just let the little one pick what the older girl should do. I am sure a 5 yr old can come up with some ideas.

I am 50/50 split on skipping the birthday party. I suppose that would depend on the older DD's reaction to the prior suggested punishment. If she finished the letter and had a good attitude I would allow her to go, otherwise she would stay home. Make sure the older DD knows the birthday party is attitude dependent.

Or perhaps she could spend the time she *would* have been at the party treating little sis to a movie or playing with her.

 

[cathyce2]

UPDATE*********
Older DD is home from soccer practice. Younger DD has gone to sleep.
I told the thief that her sister decided to take the egg in her lunch box for her first day of kindergarten tomorrow but I couldn't find it. Dead silence.
I asked her to please check the last place it was known to be to see if I overlooked it which she did in dramatic fashion. I then asked her if she had any idea where it could be and she lied to my face! She's not a very good liar... guilt all over her face. After she swore up and down that she had no idea where it could be, I asked her how the wrapper ended up in her lunchbox. At that point she burst into tears and admitted to eating it.

We had a brief talk about how she had distroyed my trust and that there would be consequences for stealing and telling lies. She's begging for forgiveness, for me to trust her, promising not to eat chocolate for a year, to give her sister the moon and stars, etc.

I just told her I was too angry to make any decisions tonight and that i needed to discuss this all with her father who will be home around 11:30. She went to shower and is not to leave her room tonight.

Please keep the ideas coming!

Cathy

 

[Cindyluwho]

I disagree with letting younger DD take something of older DD's...that's revenge, not restitution, and therefore teaching younger DD that revenge is the way to go. She did steal, but you are the parent and should administer the consequences, not younger DD. That being said, I do agree with the idea of taking them to the store and having younger DD pick a special treat and making older DD pay for it with her own money. No party on Saturday.

Agree 100%

 

[Planogirl]

I just told her I was too angry to make any decisions tonight and that i needed to discuss this all with her father who will be home around 11:30. She went to shower and is not to leave her room tonight.

Please keep the ideas coming!

Cathy

This is a great start. I still remember agonizing while waiting for my punishment.

Does younger sister know about this yet? I'm curious as to how you plan to handle that too.

 

[minkydog]

UPDATE*********
Older DD is home from soccer practice. Younger DD has gone to sleep.
I told the thief that her sister decided to take the egg in her lunch box for her first day of kindergarten tomorrow but I couldn't find it. Dead silence.
I asked her to please check the last place it was known to be to see if I overlooked it which she did in dramatic fashion. I then asked her if she had any idea where it could be and she lied to my face! She's not a very good liar... guilt all over her face. After she swore up and down that she had no idea where it could be, I asked her how the wrapper ended up in her lunchbox. At that point she burst into tears and admitted to eating it.

We had a brief talk about how she had distroyed my trust and that there would be consequences for stealing and telling lies. She's begging for forgiveness, for me to trust her, promising not to eat chocolate for a year, to give her sister the moon and stars, etc.

I just told her I was too angry to make any decisions tonight and that i needed to discuss this all with her father who will be home around 11:30. She went to shower and is not to leave her room tonight.

Please keep the ideas coming!

Cathy

good idea. About the only thing I would have changed is pretending to not know she did it. That just sets a child up to lie to you. I would have cut to the chase--"I found this wrapper in your lunchbox. Explain to me how your sister's chocolate egg got into your lunchbox." I think she would have spilled her guts right then. Don't be fooled by her tears and pleading. At this point she is not so sorry; she's sorry she got caught. BTDT I'm glad you saved the punishment for later, when you've had time to think about it and talk it out with your hubby. Let us know how it all turns out.