Having a pity party

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by FlyingDumbo, Jan 6, 2013.

  1. MouseMadness

    MouseMadness Mouseketeer

    Oct 16, 2008
    Oh my goodness, I am so sorry this is happening to you. It brings back bad memories of my own pregnancy.

    Unfortunately, I also lived away from family when I was pregnant with my first, and didn't have a whole lot of friends where I lived. However, of the ones I did have, no one offered either :sad1: I know the hormones will drive you crazy when you're pregnant, but honestly, having a baby shower is a right of passage that NO ONE should have to miss out on...but some of us unfortunately still do and it is ok to be upset :sad1:

    Just hang in there and enjoy every quiet minute you have with your husband and savor your sleep! I'm sure you will receive a few things after the baby arrives (as they did with me) but just have fun picking out your own things for now.

    Oh, and when your "friends" expect you to plan the next event, you can always remind them that you are a mother now, baby comes first, and your "party" days are over! :rolleyes:

    Hugs to you and I hope you feel better! :hug:
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  3. funkychunkymonkey

    funkychunkymonkey DIS Veteran

    May 28, 2009
    Heres to a virtual shower!! We love you here! Im very excited to hear about your baby! you better post lots of pics after he/ she is born. Do you know what your having? Im such a baby lover!
  4. FlyingDumbo

    FlyingDumbo DIS Veteran

    Jan 22, 2011
    Aw thanks! We find out the gender on the 17! Really looking forward to that!
  5. Riles_and_Gabe

    Riles_and_Gabe DIS Veteran

    Nov 27, 2010
    I am so sorry. I know how difficult it must be when it is your special time and no one is acknowledging it. I probably wouldn't consider that group of people friends any longer. I think it was a great suggestion of someone else to find a mommy and me group. You may find life long friends there!!
  6. njmom47

    njmom47 <font color=blue>He's such a fiend!<br><font color

    Oct 14, 2007
    Hugs is right, because I totally know!
    My only shower (didn't have a bridal shower) was a baby shower thrown by some co-workers, held in the office of our store. I was happy about that. :)
    Never had one from my friends outside of work or family; nor did I have one for ds (my dds are from my first marriage, so when I married dh, it was his first marraige and child, I though perhaps his sisters might throw one) .:confused3
  7. Maggie Lizer

    Maggie Lizer DIS Veteran

    Feb 2, 2012
    My office gave me a gift card in the mail, but didn't have a shower for me (the gals who usually did the party planning had both left for other jobs, and no one had yet picked up the duties, so me and the woman who had her first baby just before I did were gypped).
    My DH called my best friend and asked her to plan a shower for me, but then he asked me to come up with a guest list, theme, food choices, etc, so I ended up planning my own. My family (mom, dad, sis, inlaws) just doesn't do parties for milestones/special occasions, and most of my close friends do not live nearby, so unless my DH got the ball rolling, I would have had no shower. And I am not expecting one for this baby at all - and am dropping no hints, either. We may do a "welcome home, baby boy" party a month or so after his arrival.

    OP, if you are only finding out the gender now, what are you at, 20 weeks or so? That is still very early to assume no shower. Maybe you have to drop hints with someone else (not the husband's best friend's wife, of course). Or maybe your DH can plan a small luncheon out for the two of you and some other couples. There is no reason why a shower can't be something other than a bunch of birds sitting around playing a game of "is that pudding or peanut butter in the diaper".
  8. goofyintoronto

    goofyintoronto I really wanted to like it, but I didnt.

    Mar 29, 2011
    If its a surprise, you wouldnt know about it. Thats the whole idea of a surprise. lol.

    OP, im not sure how far along you are, but its not too late. I still think that you just never know, your friends just might surprise you with a baby shower. Typically ppl dont throw a shower before the 6 month mark. its usually around 6-8 months. So you just never know.
  9. familyoffive

    familyoffive DIS Veteran

    Sep 12, 2002
    I would be hoping for a healthy baby and planning all of the moments you two will share. I've never understood the expectation for parties and gifts. While it is nice if someone sends something, better a genuine heartfelt gift than a thrown together insincere gathering.
  10. chloelovesdisney

    chloelovesdisney DIS Veteran

    Jul 19, 2007
    My showers didn't start until 32 weeks, and two were surprises, so don't count it out. I thought you were closer to your due date. I wouldn't allow anything in the house till 36 weeks.
  11. Eeyore'sthebest

    Eeyore'sthebest DIS Veteran<br><font color=darkorchid>Not So Tagle

    Mar 5, 2005
    OP I know just how you feel. I threw 2 super huge baby showers for both my sisters. They planned mine a week in advance for the Saturday before Christmas. Maybe only had about 12 people there. Thanks for nothing. :(

    Oh yeah, I wanted to add that I got wise. I tried to plan a 50th for my one sister. My niece kept shooting down all my ideas (after she ran them past my sister). So ya know what, I did nothing. Too bad, so sad!!
  12. married2mm

    married2mm DIS Veteran

    May 15, 2011
    this is a great idea.:)

    I love babies too,have you started thinking of names,or decorating your nursery? :goodvibes

    ooops,nearly forgot- congratulations,you will love this new stage in your life.
    onwards and upwards. :yay::yay:
  13. horseshowmom

    horseshowmom DIS Veteran

    Jul 21, 2000
    I wouldn't be too hard on your husband, OP. He knew you were upset and discussed it with his friend at work. Probably the friend tried to help by talking to his wife - who was the one real jerk in all of this.

    I do agree with others that you probably need to move on and find new friends who are more likely to share your interests. Try to focus on the fact that you are having a shower at work. I know it's not what you're really wanting, but it's a kind gesture on their part.

    Congratulations on the new baby!
  14. burnurcomputer

    burnurcomputer DIS Veteran

    Aug 18, 2010
    We,ll you sound like you aren't super far along, as far as a shower would go! You normally have a growth check (aka gender u/s) around 20 weeks, so you have plenty of time to be suprised!

    You never know what might happen!!! It might not hurt to quiety mention to your friends for whom you have hosted parties, that you are feeling a bit hurt and left out that they do not reciprocate the effort or love that you spent on them. Who knows, maybe they are going to have bash in your name:) They couldbe making up for the past hurts and slights.

    To be honest, I was you with giving parties to others. I was the Maid of Honor in a friends wedding, ran arouind with her every Friday for months leading up to the wedding (while pegnant!!!), threw her a party at a rented site (no other $ contributed by the other ladies in the party) as a shower and didn't even get a thank you. When I did her baby shower, all I got was complaining about how little people showed up....as if i was the one to not attend. Again, All $ on Me!!! No thanks, at all. At that point I had 4 children and wasn't going to do that much for anyone who didn't even say a simple thank you.

    But, OP I learned a hard lesson. As much as it hurts to not have a thank you for all your work, time, and love, you can't force people to be kind or loving.

    You could always throw yourself a shower, or just get the baby things you need a bit at a time and be thankful that you won't have to worry about others feelings when your babay is born and they don't get those exciting calls about labor and birth.

    Frankly, the situation sucks and must hurt your feelings deeply.:hug:
  15. Nancyg56

    Nancyg56 DIS Veteran

    Aug 17, 2005
    Sometimes I think it is not necessarily that the friends don't care, they are lazy and thoughtless. I feel so badly for you because it hurts to be the one left out simply because others do not want to take the time to extend the same graciousness that you extend.
    I was the one who always cooks or helps out when there is a death or an illness. I never ever forget. My Mom died and I found out who remembered. I did not expect much but honestly, a card after two months? Well, I let it go but after my MIL passed away and those same people who I have sent flowers, food, etc just forgot my husband (these were his friends) I decided to revisit how I respond. I would suggest that you do this as well.

    Wow, you think a shower is only for gifts? I agree that an insincere gathering is worthless but the OP is hurt because she is feeling that her friends and family are not supportive of her and they have hurt her. People need to know that their friendship and their efforts are appreciated and that the people who they have been there for also cherish them as well. One way to do that is to gather and celebrate a special occasion. I cannot think of a more appropriate celebration than the birth of a child. The time and effort a friend or family member would take to bring people together is minimal when compared to the hurt the OP has over being forgotten. She has been shown that while she values certain people her efforts are not reciprocated. I do not blame her for being hurt.

    It is okay to want people to celebrate with you and that does not negate the prayer for healthy children.
  16. lorimay

    lorimay DIS Veteran

    Dec 11, 2008

    WELL SAID!!!!

    To the OP, I wish you all the best with your new precious gift. :hug:
  17. WDSearcher

    WDSearcher DIS Veteran

    Aug 20, 2002
    Yes, it's okay to want people to celebrate with you, and it's even okay to want the gifts that come with said celebration. But to put so much energy into feeling sad and forgotten and hurt when the people OP is talking about apparently haven't EVER been there in situations like this is ... well ... what OP said. A pity party.

    Honestly -- if these "friends" had been there all along, with a wedding shower, birthday parties, etc. and then blew off the baby shower then yes ... you start wondering what's gone wrong. If it was just about being out of state, then yeah ... it sucks to be the one who's not there. But to expect people who have never stepped up in these situations in the past to suddenly pull together to plan and present a baby shower when the mother to be is out of state to start with (which makes it all the more unlikely) is just setting yourself up for more disappointment.

    OP says that her coworkers are being wonderful and are throwing her a party at work. I say, concentrate on the positive. Embrace the caring atmosphere you have at work and stop being the "party planner" for the people who aren't there for you. You can't control how other people behave. You can only control how you react to it.

  18. shortbun

    shortbun <font color=green>Peacenik<br><font color=purple><

    Aug 21, 1999
    Just tell her, "yeah, you're the last person I'd expect to have a party for us." OR....you have to be a really ballsy person to do this but she deserves it....Say, "you're the only one, when do you want to have it? I'll get you a guest list, and thanks!!!"
  19. PrincessKsMom

    PrincessKsMom <img src=http://photopost.wdwinfo.com/data/500/tlk

    Feb 9, 2008
    I have to difference in my opinion in that I don't see why DH's co-worker's wife is the "bad" one. I gather from OP that they are just acquaintances. Why would a baby shower fall to her? I'm assuming they don't have the same friends or acquaintances and co-worker's wife doesn't know OP's family, so who do you think she would invite? Why doesn't OP's DH throw the shower? While not the norm, he's the one who knows everyone? Why can't a husband do that for his wife, particularly when the supposed "family and friends" are such inconsiderate people? If my husband came home and told me a co-worker's wife wasn't getting a baby shower I certainly don't think it should fall on my shoulders. Would I call her and tell her? Probably not, but who knows.

    OP, I think you should go register at Babys R Us or some other registry and at the end of your pregnancy send a FB or email to your "family and friends" and tell them you realized having a shower wasn't going to happen since everyone has busy lives and lives far away, but give them the link and tell them you thought you'd made it easier for everyone who wanted to send a gift by registering. Passive/aggressive? Yep, and who cares. They obviously don't take your feelings into consideration, so I'd be spiteful and make them all feel horrible. But that's just me. :duck:
  20. FlyingDumbo

    FlyingDumbo DIS Veteran

    Jan 22, 2011
    I just want to point out that my husbands best friend has been a friend since childhood. His wife and I are not close. We did spend over 5K (which we are still paying off) to go to their destination wedding in Mexico, my husband was the best man, and she (the witch) mentioned several times that she would have asked me to be a bridesmaid " to even out the number of girls" if I hadn't had an ugly walking boot after my foot surgery. She is not someone I consider a friend nor would I ever want or expect a shower from her.

    You can't have a surprise shower for someone who lives out of state and works full time. I don't have weekends off and I don't have a set schedule. When we got married and I was planning all the showers and parties for everyone else, we lived in our home state. We moved about a year and a half ago to this new state. So when I got married, I lived in state and a surprise shower would have been possible, it just never happened. Thank you to those who were supportive, I appreciate it. ANd I was not wanting a shower for gifts, to the poster who mentioned that, I was just hoping to be recognized. I just feel very isolated and alone. I really have no social life outside of work since we have moved here, I just have not really had much interaction with anyone other than coworkers and neighbors.

    I really think it comes down to out of sight and out of mind. My friends were not willing to make the effort when I lived close, so I am not under any delusion that it is going to magically change now. I am actually really excited about the idea of joining a mommy an me group! I think it will be awesome to meet some other people in my area! And I do love my coworkers, they really are like a family.
  21. queenbetsey

    queenbetsey DIS Veteran

    May 31, 2010
    i like the idea of a virtual shower but take it one step further. since you are out of state maybe you could make up registries at a few places and creat a face book event. Make a cute flyer type "invite" saying that since you are all so far away and cannot get together.... you get the idea.
    Sure it would be best comming from your sister or one ofour friends.
    Maybe you should just talk to one of them and see what they think about it. Perhaps they could virtually host it?
    As far as them offering seems like you might have to be blunt with them and say "hey what about having a shower for me? please and thank you"

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