has meddling ruined this relationship?

[troubled]

I'm looking for some unbiased opinions here. I know a couple in their mid late 20s. Beautiful little daughter, and let me say I grew close to the wife and thought she was a jewel. The husband on probation for a drug charge but lands a great job with a great company good pay benefits etc. They buy a tiny starter home. They are in this house for a few months and his late 40s mom, from across the country, moves in with them and stays for almost a year before getting her own place. During this time he confides they are having marital difficulties and talks of divorce. Now a year later, there is still ******* and his mom hires an expensive divorce lawyer for him (he initiated it) and puts it on her credit card, in exchange for her moving back in his house and not paying rent (wife had moved out) Now everything has gotten ugly and extremely escalated but he confided in me the other night that he would take his wife back in a minute, but now the lawyers are at the table. I cant help feeling like things have really gone downhill for them since his mom has become such an involved part of his life, and he didnt have money for an attorney on his own and maybe if she had budded out they might have worked things out. I just was interested in some opinions on this. Thanks.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

That's what happens when the apron strings remain uncut. I blame the husband for allowing his mommy to manipulate him.

 

[CEDmom]

So, are your the husband, wife or mother ?

 

[Cool-Beans]

I'm looking for some unbiased opinions here. I know a couple in their mid late 20s. Beautiful little daughter, and let me say I grew close to the wife and thought she was a jewel. The husband on probation for a drug charge but lands a great job with a great company good pay benefits etc. They buy a tiny starter home. They are in this house for a few months and his late 40s mom, from across the country, moves in with them and stays for almost a year before getting her own place. During this time he confides they are having marital difficulties and talks of divorce. Now a year later, there is still ******* and his mom hires an expensive divorce lawyer for him (he initiated it) and puts it on her credit card, in exchange for her moving back in his house and not paying rent (wife had moved out) Now everything has gotten ugly and extremely escalated but he confided in me the other night that he would take his wife back in a minute, but now the lawyers are at the table. I cant help feeling like things have really gone downhill for them since his mom has become such an involved part of his life, and he didnt have money for an attorney on his own and maybe if she had budded out they might have worked things out. I just was interested in some opinions on this. Thanks.

Let me get this straight. He's saying his mommy is to blame for the fact that he's getting divorced?

Either he's an idiot and childish or he's a big, fat liar. Or both.

The MIL is not to blame, even if she pused for it. He's a big boy now and responsible for himself.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

So, are your the husband, wife or mother ?

I'm guessing the husband.

Help your mom find a place of her own. Put the lawyer on the back burner, and call your wife and tell her you are willing to work things out.

 

[Christine]

While I am sure that the mother's presence and, I'm sure meddling, moved this relationship to that point, I put this soley on the husband.

If he is in his late-20s, he is old enough to stand up to his mom. Also, he should not have been going to his mother to whine about the marriage. He should have been talking to his wife about it, a counselor, or maybe a NEUTRAL third party like a friend. His mother could NEVER be neutral on the situation.

His mistake was allowing/letting her get this ball rolling.

It is totally his fault and I agree with the poster who said that this is what happens when you don't cut the apron strings.

 

[troubled]

no hes not blaming his mom...but I think by making the money available to him, he rushed into something he maybe didnt really want. I guess I just feel like I've known this couple for years and things seemed so positive and everything started to go bad when his mom stayed with them so long...I love my mom and MIL but a couple days with them and I go nuts...cant imagine them staying for a year, in an 800 sq ft house.

 

[Art Vandalay]

I'm guessing there's an awful lot more to the story.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Well I really think the DH needs to decide what he wants. As a mother if my DS or DD was in a really bad situation and I could help (even monetarily) I would. I would not however tell them what I want them to do unless of course it was abusive. So just giving the gut money is not what caused the divorce. The DH should have manned up and still has time to do so. I would tell this relative that he should try everything he can to save this marriage because if he doesn't he will regret it for a lifetime. At least if you try everything and it doesn't work out then you can say you tried and it wasn't meant to be. I don't think the Mom had anything to do with it. JMHO.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I'm guessing the husband.

Help your mom find a place of her own. Put the lawyer on the back burner, and call your wife and tell her you are willing to work things out.

Husband - get a backbone and then tell your mother to MYOB and your wife you are deeply sorry, hope she can forgive you and you want her and your daughter back.

 

[Beth76]

While I can see a third party causing problems in a marriage a third party can not be held completely responsible. Sorry, but if the husband is allowing his mother to cause trouble, that's his fault, not hers.

 

[troubled]

and they all make alot of sense. It's such a heartbreak to sit back and watch something like this happen. I appreciate the vent.

 

[horseshowmom]

and they all make alot of sense. It's such a heartbreak to sit back and watch something like this happen. I appreciate the vent.

You say that he's confided in you. If it were me, I would suggest to him that he meet with his wife privately and tell her how he really feels. I'd also suggest marital counseling. If he really wants to save his marriage, it doesn't matter whether lawyers are involved or not. Until he's actually divorced, there's still time to change the situation.

 

[disneyfreakk]

While I agree that this guy needs to grow a back bone and tell him mom to butt out of his buisness, we also have to realize that his mother RAISED him to be so dependent! Its a form of abuse really.....

 

[Hannathy]

It's helicopter parenting at it's best!!!!! Expect to see a lot more of it in the next 10 years.

 

[Camicar]

The guy needs to grow up and grow a pair. He needs to tell his mom to butt out, to tell his wife he'd like the chance to prove that he can be a worthy adult husband, and make appointments for marital counseling if she agrees to try again with him.

There are some huge boundary and maturity issues here.

I am not understanding why the mom had to move into such a tiny little house if she has all this money to throw at expensive lawyers. Seems like a huge red flag to me. A better investment of all that excess money would have been in a home of her own.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The people that are to blame are the husband and wife. It is their marriage.

The husband chose TO USE the mother to hide behind and it worked. He got what he wanted.

Now he is using his mother again to pretend that "he didn't do it" because she "had money".....

Tell the husband to get some counseling because he has serious problems with taking responsibilty for his actions.

 

[hydster]

It's helicopter parenting at it's best!!!!! Expect to see a lot more of it in the next 10 years.