Grandparents who have favorites

[Christine]

I think this does happen quite often. I see it a lot in my own family. It is human nature to be that way; however, I it is all in how it is handled.

My aunt has two daughters and each of them have children. Her younger daughter and her children lived with them for awhile while the daughter was divorcing. The grandparents formed a bond with those children that they do not have with the other. But, I will say that my aunt goes out of her way to treat ALL her grandchildren equally. She does a great job of it. But, it is really hard not to notice that she is closer to one set of grandkids than the other. I don't fault her for it. How could it not happen. But, she never does anything to make the other kids feel "less" or "unwanted." But her older daughter gets an attitude about it which kind of ticks me off.

So, I do see the other side of it, but if they are treating the other children badly, then that's just not right.

 

[bballmom56]

My MIL is fine with the grandchildren, but to her own 3 sons (of which my DH is the middle child), OMG. Like deadheadbelle, DS1 is absolutely The Golden Child, even though he is 50 yo., alcoholic, unemployed, no money, living with MIL & FIL. We just dealt with this again yesterday as DH stopped to visit them (we live about an hour away and DH is the only son that has a normal family, house and job). Turns out, FIL had heart surgery last week (DH knew it was being planned, but hadn't been told when). So what a guilt trip MIL laid on DH. "You never called - your father almost died", she said. He told her our phones work both ways - she could have called to let DH know about it. But she doesn't want to hear that. She delights in having a reason to be mad. DH is the only son that graduated HS, went to college, got an MA, and then a PhD and is a college professor. The others barely finished HS. "Golden Child" got first girl pregnant at 18, they got married, had another child, got divorced, he moved in with MIL so she could raise the kids (no easy task with those two). He lost his license for drunk driving, lived with their youngest brother until the youngest brother threw him out for drinking too much, and now he lives with MIL. But he did take care of the leaves on MIL's lawn the other day, so he is the only son that cares about them .

My heart breaks for DH as this hurts him so much. They seem to resent that he has raised himself up, and they want to trample him down. Nothing he does is ever good enough. But boy, do they defend the Golden Child.

Sorry to ramble on, but it's nice to know that he's not the only one in a situation like this. I will try to get him the read this thread when he gets up. to everyone with this problem.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

Im hearing this. My sister had my nephew 8 years ago and he is the fav. I live 15 min from the house for the past 5 years they have been here 5 times. My sis has lived with them on and off for years as she is irresponeible and cant hold a job. 2 years ago she moved to NH

My rents drive up there all the time to see him and take him places buy him stuff. They never do anything with the kids. They always promise to buy shawno stuff take him places but rarely come thru

now that shawns 5 he sees it and says stuff like you said you were gonna get me this, or you said you were gonna take me to the movies, but you never did and so they will promise something else and once again not come thru

I was the good one she was the bad one
she always got more attention and stuff like that
I called my aunt one day for advice on how to handle this and she was like well you Sis plays teh game manipulation guilt and they buy into it what r u gonna do

I have had several discussions with them about this and it changes for like a week and then goes back to the same old same old
it makes me very sad
i love my dad so much but i know its wrong and it hurts my son and im sure it will be the same with my 2 nd son anthony
now im sad

 

[The Mystery Machine]

While I don't have a "favorites" thing going on I do have a sister who has cast us aside.

You know the story...the aunt that walks on water, gives the girls everything, love her death, etc...

Last year 8yodd finally spoke up and said, "she doesn't care about us." I had been trying my hardest to chase her around the "world" to include her. Once dd said that I have distanced myself now.

Like you folks with the favorites...would I have been better off if I had seperated my girls from her earlier? It really is stupid. Why are people like this?

 

[cobbler]

Gosh do I know this all to well. My younger brother is the Golden Child and my mother goes out of her way to make me feel inferior when he is around.

Little story. Just after high school I got a waitressing job while in college, I worked there for over a year and we got paid vacation. Instead of taking the vacation I took the check and bought myself 5 shares of Disney stock. I was very proud of my purchase, being a disney nut and of course I worked hard to buy it
This was 8 years ago.

Well wouldn't you know it my brother also had 5 shares of stock. Within a year and a half all of a sudden he "had" 10 shares of stock, it split - or at least according to my mom. Well no it didn't because mine didn't but she insisted he owned more than I did.

Fast forward to this year. Guess what I find on the banister at her house one day - my brothers proxy for voting his shares and guess how many he has???? 5!!!

But I guess I don't see the need for her to lie to me on things like this to make him better then me. I don't get it but I feel it all to well. He is the best and I am just second class.

I have children, she treats the grandkids ok, most of the time she is to busy to be bothered and not the typical (if there is one) grandma who would love to watch the kids anytime.

I am so curious as to what will happen when my brother - the golden child - has kids.

 

[twinmomplus2new]

My Dh's parents are like this. They are all for thier dd's kids VS there sons. And it funny because Dh is thier fave no question about that.
The kids do notice and I firmly believe the grandparents are the ones missing out on the privledge of being involved in thier lives. Because it is a gift to have a relationship with your grandkids.

This August was thier 50th anniversary, and the family made a scrapbook, each child was asked to make a page and write a letter to Nana and Grampy with thier fave memory and what they were thankful thier grandparents had done for them. It was ugly here for about 2 weeks while this project was going on. My dd 17 kept saying are they kidding I have nothing to say. not one thing and she was right not to be mean but she didn't. none of them did. In the end, I copied photos of each child throughout the years and laminated them and decopaged 50th anniversary cards admist the photos. They were beautiful, however when you opened the book. All the pages were simply notes written to them, And ours were these ultra fancy pages. So it looked weird. And it was obvious to me we had nothing to say. Not to Dh though he thought it was great and that I just went a further with the project.

2 weeks ago we went to vist my Great Grandmother and stopped at my dh's parents. i brought them and I offered to breing them. Anyway when we were leaving. They said copme give Grampy/nana a kiss goodbye. and my 4 year old twins said. No thank you. ANd no I did not force them to kiss them. And you know like I said my Grandmother lives in the same town as them. And they ran to kiss her goodbye when we left. Kids know who is worth thier time. As long as it doesn't bother you it shouldn't bother them!

 

[Sleepy]

Originally posted by bfeller
But the strange thing is when she died it was my daughter who played violin at grandma's funeral and my son that served the mass. The "favorites" did nothing. I tried to instill into my kids that they should love their grandmother no matter what and they did even though they knew she had favorites. Anyway, it was her loss. My two kids are really great.

This is exactly what happened with my fathers mother. She played favorites because she did not like my mother. My brother and I knew it from an early age. X-mas gifts to other cousins were more expensive, etc. Well, when Granny got old and the grandkids got older, the favorites were far too busy with their lives. Guess who visited Granny all the time and did things for her? yep, her *least favorites*. Was hard for my grandmother to admit that the one person she hated most was the ONLY one who took care of her when she bacame unable to care for herself. yep, my mother. Mom also raised us to be good people. I teach the same to my son.

 

[WilmaBud]

My grandmother always favored my sister. She was very obvious, to the point that it sometimes embarrassed my sister. It hurt me many times, but really, I know my grandmother loved me. She just couldn't help herself.

Now, my parents are closer to my kids than to my brother's or sister's kids. I know it bothers my brother, particularly. But you know what? My brother barely makes any effort to have his children spend time with my parents (unless he needs them to babysit ). My parents are kind and loving to my brother's kids, and they give presents equally among all the grandchildren. They just have a stronger bond with my kids because they've always spent more time with them.

My dad definitely brags about my son too much. My mom and I have both spoken to him about it. He tries to take it down a notch, but sometimes he can't help himself. My son is the first grandchild (as my sister was to my grandmother). Also, my son and my dad have adored each other since my son was a baby. My son is kind of like my dad's "Mini Me." LOL!

I don't know... it's unfortunate to have favorites, but IMO, it's also human nature. People just need to make the effort not to be obvious or unkind about it. I know my parents (esp. my mom) try really hard at that.

Oh, and BTW, my MIL couldn't care less about my son. Out of her 7 grandchildren, he's the one she ignores. I know it's because he's so much like me, and she's not a fan of mine. So, we just limit our time with her. At first, she tried sending gifts to my daughter for her birthday and ignoring my son's birthday (luckily, he was too young to notice), but I put a stop to that. I don't get angry, though. That's her problem and her loss.

I think things like this happen in most families.

 

[Kitty 34]

I was one that was favored greatly by my late Grandfather. My Mother said I was the only child out of many grandchildren that he would actually get down on the floor and play with. Not sure why.

On the flipside, I have three boys and my Mother definetly favors my middle son. They have had an intensely strong relationship from the day he was born. The only thing I can figure out is he is the ONLY grand child she was present at the birth. Maybe it was a bonding thing.....who knows?

 

[Jenn Lynn]

My biological Grandma did the same thing. Never came to our Christmas plays, our confirmations, or graduations. We did live a few hours away, BUT she had no problem driving even farther to visit others. I used to visit in the summer and one time she had my Aunt call and ask my Mom what kind of perfume/detergent I was wearing because it made Grandma break out. I felt SO bad and my Mom was MAD because it was not me, but she blamed me! I pretty much stopped liking her after that. She is close to the Grandkids that live in town. The ones whose parents (her kids) are messed up. The 2 normal cousins who live in town are not close to her either.

On the other hand you have my non-biological Grandparents (My Dad adopted us. ) They treat my sister and I so well. They always came to all of our stuff. Always made the effort. I loved staying there in the summer.

So far I cannot tell any favoritism from my Mom for DD and my Niece and Nephew. We all live far apart and are hardly together so that could be a reason. They definitely try to spend time with all of us.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Well, my one set of grandparents were like that. They favored my cousins and even my own SIBLINGS over me

I ended up hating every moment of being there and refused to go as I got older.

My parents just let me stay home and wouldn't make me go if I didn't want to go.

 

[phamton]

My mother died when I was 20 and my dad re-married. My mother died before I married and so never saw my kids. My stepmother has always been a great grandmother but she and my dad do favor my twins over my other 3 kids and also over my sister's 3 kids.

When the twins were born, my parents stayed with me for the first 6 weeks and helped me. They really bonded with the twins. Also my twins were very easy going and were happy to go anywhere with them. My oldest daughter was more shy and liked sticking close to home and on her schedule. My sister's kids were very clingy to her and didn't like to go places when they were younger with my parents.

When my twins were 3 years old, they even spent 2 weeks with my parents while we were in the process of moving. They were comfortable with my parents and my parents were comfortable with them. They would eat anything and go anywhere and just easier-going children than the other grandkids.

My parents still spent the same amount of money on presents at birthdays and Christmas, etc. and were always kind to all the grandkids but there was and still is a special bond with my twins. My other kids don't seem to notice at all but my sister's kids do. All the grandkids are grown now and all my kids love seeing my parents but my sisters kids have very little to do with them.

 

[newholiday]

DHs mother definately favors her daughters son over all other 6 grandkids

 

[princess pooh]

My grandmother once told my brother that he was her favourite even though I was standing right next to him . My brother is fiercely protective of me so he was furious with her and my dad (who usually thinks his mom could do no wrong) really blasted her. I was more disgusted than hurt. That woman sl preffered my uncle over my dad, even though my uncle was an unemployed, cheating, alcoholic. My grandmother on my mom's side had a slew of grandchildren but she never showed any favouritism. Even though she spent more time with some of my other cousins, we all felt adored by her. She had a huge impact on our lives and we still miss her

I'm quite worried about how my fmil will treat our children (if and when we have any). She really seems to favour my bf's brother, and my bf has always felt like he's second best. Now I see the same thing happening with her grandchildren. She's a really nice lady but I don't want anyone making my kids feel like they're second best.

 

[dalt01]

from an earlier post "fortunately by the time the kids really noticed it my MIL was extremely ill and died" that will teach her not to play favorites, no more of that huh? as for the "golden child" ive seen that many times even in the work place, some people are what i call "bullet proof" two people/siblings can do the same wrong thing, one gets mountains of grief for it and the other one gets nothing said to him/her. one person/sibling can do something very good and gets no credit for it the other person does nothing more than is expected and gets praise all the time. there is nothing that can ever be done to change it. if someone has made a stand on how they feel about someone they will defend that decision to the death even if the "chosen one"completely self destructs they will stay by their side and tell you that outside influence is to blame and you must support the bum because its not his/her fault

 

[peacefulgirl]

This is so NOT right!! I have two friends that go through this ! I hurt for them!

I am blessed! My mother and MIL are awesome !! My MIL makes sure she does for each of her 7 kids the exact same for bdays and xmas ... its even and she spends time with each set of kids all the time. She taught me what kind of GP I awant to be!

Breaks me heart that people can be so freaking stupid and treat their GK's differently !!

DD doesn't want to spend the night there with her cousins because of it. Says parents don't make her feel welcome

Don't make her go, if she's not comfy there, dont make her be there. I would never put mine through that.

pg

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I hate to say this, but I guess after reading some of the posts of people whe weren't the favorite, that I agree to not force your DD to have to stay there. It stinks to not feel loved or special. Perhaps I would go overnight at a hotel with a pool so your family can have some very special time and your DD can be surrounded by your love. AND I would be just as honest with your mom and tell her that your DD has noticed she is second class and since your mom admitted it, tell her that she won't be staying the night. It might be painfull, but it could potentially show your mom how their behavior has hurt your DD and they might rethink their actions. do it now before it is too late.

 

[disneyfanatic60]

This is a problem I have in my family as well. My MIL has stayed very distant from my two children now 20 and 17 their whole lifes. It's a shame and she's the one that lost out as far as I'm concerned. They would have truly enriched her life and she has no idea what she's missed out on.

MY SIL has two children younger than mine. Now they are spoiled rotten! She does everything and anything for them and their parents. They used to live overseas and she constantly paid for them to fly home at least once or twice a year. She's taken them on cruises, etc. and footed the whole bill. My kid's get $2 (which has grown to $5 in past years) for each holiday (Thanksgiving, Easter, etc.) At Xmas they usually got items they had no interest in or clothes that were way too small. Very rarely were the gifts every usable by the kids. This despite, numerous lists of what they would like (all within reason).

I guess she felt in her heart this was enough. She lives out of state and my kids really don't see her often. She's been back in Buffalo (where she lived most of her life) and not even seen the kids! The last trip--she spent an hour out of a weeklong stay with them.

As I said, she's the one that's lost out. I do feel very badly for my kids but it's outside of my control. My husband does not feel he can say anything and has kept silent for all these years. I do not agree and it's a bone of intention in our home. What's worse, my kids just lost my Mom this past May. She loved them with all her heart and spent almost everyday with them as they were growing up. They have those memories forever. However, it made her passing much more difficult for them to handle. They are having a hard time dealing with a Grandmother who wants nothing to do with them versus the one the loved dearly who they can't be with any longer.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Michele

 

[remyandhollandsmommy]

I deal with this too. My MIL takes it further though and actually tried to ruin Remy's 6th birthday this year by bringing tons of gifts for my SILs kids (they had already had their birthdays months before) and two dollar tree items for DD that broke on opening. It was horrible. We only see our family once a year due to military stationing and she couldn't be nice for the one time she saw my girls. Remy started to cry as my neices opened princess dresses, real barbies, purss, clothes, etc and I took her into my mom's house while my mom let loose on the psycho and threw her off the property. I just try not to have anything to do with the woman and my family treats both of my girls like they are their own kids so hopefully that woman can't do any damage.

On a side note: Last C'mas MIL bought Remy an outfit that was size 24mos (they sent it up to us), when I told her that Remy is 6 and wears a 6X and asked if she kept the receipt for exchanging purposes, she told me to send it back down, that my neice Austin could wear it. For Holly, she sent a blanket sleeper with the feet cut off. I sent both items back to her with a note telling her not to buy anything for my kids again as I will put return to sender on the package and send it back.

 

[buzzlady]

I've dealt with this all my life. My grandmother ALWAYS favored my sister. She was the 1st grandchild. My grandmother would take my sister on overnight trips - I would be left home (you know the "your too young to go" excuse). My sister has since passed and didn't have kids. She also favors my cousins (all six from one family). It's funny because this was just brought up the other day. I have her first 2 great grandkids. Now my cousins are having their kids. I said to my DH the other day that our 2 will be "left out". Two of my cousin just had babies about 3 weeks apart. So on Sunday my grandmother was at my mothers and saying how she has 5 great grandkids already! and going on and on. So me not being able to keep my mouth shut says Umm you happen to have 7 not 5!! She never included my 2 in the count. She only counted my cousins. She has knitted all 5 of my cousins babies a blanket - not mine. There's nothing that's going to change it at this point, so you just have to let it go.