Grandparents who don't treat GK equally

[EMom]

This just all sounds to me like you were totally primed for something that hadn't happened and looking for ways to be offended and call her out on stuff and... and I get you're sure it all *would* have happened but you're not and imagining the x, y, and z of how this will all then occur seems totally bizarre to me.

I think you're going to see favoritism and....



Think that this is what a universal reaction from a child is, because you're looking for it to be some hurtful thing. Maybe for some people it would be but clearly for others it wouldn't, and I think the perspective of anticipating some hurtful favouritism and differential treatment at every turn that you feel will be terribly offensive is a particular perspective, not a universal one.

All I can say is, I knew her for decades and you didn't. Ask anyone who knew her and they'd have told you the same thing. She was opposed to adoption in the worst way and only accepted DD because DD fit her notion of the ideal grandchild. Blonde, blue eyed, petite and outgoing. She was quite vocal about what she wanted in a grandDAUGHTER. She did not really want grandsons at all, just girls. Little blonde ones. Shirley Temple II would have been God's gift.

Her sons never heard the end of how she failed to get that daughter she wanted and instead got THEM. It took her an extra generation to get that girl and she hit a home run.

I am not imagining a blessed thing. I didn't have to. MIL told us (and everyone else) EXACTLY what she objected to, what she wanted in a grandDAUGHTER, what would not pass muster and what would disappoint her/fail to meet her expectations.

Everyone was stunned that she acccepted DD and everyone was sorely aware that she only did so because DD was her dream grandchild come to life. That includes her friends and other family members. We would have been idiots and irresponsible parents to have ignored her warnings that she would not accept the child and to have failed to consider what we would do if she treated the child poorly.

So you can believe that I am imagining things all you like, but I heard the words come out of her mouth. Since they were true to her general character, I figured I'd best believe her.

 

[lmbcdb]

We now haven't had any contact with them due to other issues combined with this, it's easier on us and DS doesn't mention them (sad but it happens).
It has everything to do with the grandparents relationship with their own children I think.

I think that has a lot to do with it, too. We work really hard in our marriage to talk to each other when things are bothering us. I have to draw it out of him, but he will tell me.

Your post could have been written by one of my stepsisters.

We travel to Disneyland every Spring Break with my mother and stepfather. My brother and his daughter (his is divorced, it was messy, he would never take her to a Disney park on his own) also go with us.

The first time we went, all were invited. (We all pay our own way.)

Nobody else chose to go. They said it was too expensive. However, they choose to spend their money on lake houses, season tickets for professional football, and deer hunting.

So now we continue every year and they still don't go.

ON THE OTHER HAND....

Your post could have been written by me.

My MIL/FIL favor, in my opinion, the other (husband's brother's) grandkids over mine.

They live out of town so when the grandparents visit it is two weeks of activities and time together - about 14 days a year. They are constantly calling and writing them as well.

We live about 15 minutes away, and they don't see my kids, including holidays, anything close to 14 days a year, much less take them out for activities.

Now that the oldest grandchild - our daughter - has graduated high school they are starting to realize that children grow up and they now spend more time with my son. On the other hand, my daughter wants very little to do with them.

AND

My mother favors my brother's daughter over my children. Due to legal issues, her home is where visitation occurs. She spends a couple of weekends a month with her, purchasing her clothes, taking her places with my brother, etc. But I know that without my mom doing these things for her, they would never happen. My brother does not have the means or desire to do so.
So, I am thankful that my mom does these things for her so that she will have a positive relationship with our side of the family.
Family relationships are so complicated. I hope that it all works out somehow for you.

Thanks for sharing your story with me. Makes me glad I am an only child! Seems like it just gets more complicated! It really floors me that grown adults act that way toward children.

Yes. My kids are apparently the favorite.

But when a grandparent has over 20 grandkids, they can't all get the same thing all the time.

TWENTY? Wow. Can you imagine if they took them ALL to DW?

When her dh died across the country my dh, ds and I flew out to help her move back here. The first words out of her mounth to my ds (who she had not seen in a while) was you are really fat. Now he had paid his own way out and had taken his vacation time to do this for his grandmum and that is what she had to say.
I screen her calls and let my dh answer them as she really doesn't want to talk to me anyway, except to call out my ds which I will not listen to anymore.
tigercat

My grandfather said the exact same thing to me one year. When the entire family was standing outside in a big circle saying good bye to everyone and there was a lull in the conversation, he said the same thing. I was only 12 and it still hurts to this day.
I think my mom married a man just like him. (2nd marriage when I was grown)

They come to visit us once or twice a year and we invite them to our kids' activities and there is always some excuse why that can't come. They would also tell dh and I that they were going to take the kids and do something together and then not follow through. We managed to protect the kids most of the time, but the day finally came when they promised to come take the kids to a movie and never showed up. I finally called them since I was concerned there was a problem. Oh no, they just got to visiting with some old friends and completely forgot about the kids. I couldn't hide that one since they asked the kids directly about going to a movie.
I too try to use these things as teaching moments. I tell my kids to be mindful of how they treat others and that they should always try to be the bigger person.

That’s one of the hardest lessons to learn. I’m sorry about your kids, I hope they have other grandparents who treated them better.

I say, call them on it. When your kids ask why the GPs took the other GKs to WDW, tell them to ask good old Grandpa. Put him on the spot. Why worry about his feelings? He isn't too concerned with your kids' feelings.
What goes around, comes around. If he keeps this up, he'd better hope his wife's grandkids are devoted to BOTH of them, because there is a good chance your kids will lose interest in Grandpa as time goes by and they realize they are "also rans." Just read the previous posts. It happens over and over. The results of favoritism are predictable. No one should be surprised when your kids, in the future, decide they have little time for a Grandpa who put his wife's grandkids first. Too bad he fails to realize that.
Sure, it's his right to show favoristism via his wife's wishes. But he may very well pay a high price for it.

I can’t even imagine how that would go. Even better, DS goes up to DFIL and asks, “J and B said you took them to DW this summer. So are going over Christmas or Spring Break?”
Interesting point about the comes around/goes around. I have a feeling these boys will grow up to be selfish, uncaring kids. Those types at 21 will just ignore the old grandparents.
I need to continue to teach my son to speak up for himself. I love DH, but he has a lot of trouble with it.

In fact, when I told my mother that we were adopting our son, her first words to me were, "well, don't expect ME to be your babysitter!" No need to worry about THAT, Mom! Grandparents can be a weird group. If I'm ever lucky enough to be a grandparent, I will move heaven and earth to let those precious children know they are loved. As a parent, that is how I have treated my child.

OH my. Grandparents are a weird group. You sound like you’ll be a great one. Hopefully with us being aware of these things, we can make sure our own GKs aren’t ever meant to feel like that!

more likely it's going to start a fight between the two spouses, it will probably alienate said inlaws worst than before and if any thing make grandpa think you've raised a smart mouth greedy brat.

Maybe we could be the better sport and ask them to go with us next year.

Same sort of scenario in our family. My husband's father's wife favors her (2) kids and (4) grandkids over my dh and our family. At Christmas my FIL called us and asked if the kids would like a trampoline for their gift. It was a more magnanimous gift than usual, which I vetoed and suggested a $150 game table instead.

DMIL always ask me to send a “list”. I send it to her with the comment that they would love anything off it. She always buys the whole list. I never know what to ask for, as I don’t want to seem greedy. I think it’s to the point where I will have the kids tell her.

Now if yakking with Grandpa did nothing and my kid asked me why he took the other kids to WDW, why not let them ask the fellow? If he blows up, then he's off my "need to visit" list for good. It is not a smart mouth question. It is an honest question from the mouths of babes and if it makes GP uncomfortable, then he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong.

He wouldn’t blow up. We’d just never hear from him again. 
I tried to inadvertently point it out to him one night when he came to DS’s gymnastics practice. He brought one of the “golden boys” with him and we were all chatting about our summers. I said my nephew, “I heard you went to DW this summer.” So we chatted about DW with DFIL sitting right there. I think it went over his head.

Essentially, I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I do not suffer in silence. In my family, we don't stew too long, we tell you when you have crossed us. No hidden agendas. I find it healthier to just spit it out and say it.

I do, too, but DH and his family are always just “surface” conversationalists. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything more than chit chat in the 15 years I’ve been with my husband.

As long as everyone gets along and the grandparents love and play with the OP's son and he doesn't feel treated shabbily, then it just seems like they see the others more and are closer and well, . He can get closer too, you have to forge relationships, even with relatives. No one hates anyone, no one is angry, why make it into that?

My DS worships the ground his grandfather walks on. Maybe I can help by doing some of the things I mentioned earlier – inviting them over, meeting them for lunch, etc.

I will bet that as time goes on, this will not be the last trip the favored GKs are taken on. And as time passes and the precious ones are blessed with more and more trips to WDW and other wonderous places and the others are not
The choice is simple. Suck it up and let it continue/escalate or say something. I'd say something, but that's me. Plenty of people will suck it up. That's their right.

I think this is the issue. The “divide” is so great. You’re right, it’s not a $20 vs. a $50 toy. It’s thousands of dollars vs. McDonald’s when they sleep over. I can see them as teenagers. Golden Boys get to go to France and get a new car. It’s not that I’m jealous, but that the preference is so obvious.
I won’t say something, but I will try to guide my DS to saying the right thing when he does find out so that he doesn’t seem like a greedy brat.

Op saw on facebook that grandpa took some cousins to wdw and now that has morphed into grandpa treats the other grandkids unequally?
I did not know grandparenting was some sort of sport where every thing had to even out nicely.
Never do I question my inlaws if they do some thing with my neices and for whatever reason don't ask my sons along. They treat my sons royally and that's enough for me.
Do people keep score cards? Well kid #1 got a ipod for christmas and alllmy kid got was a pair of jeans?

Sorry I'm not concerned with what my inlaws do with my sil's kids, I'm concerned how they treat my kids and as long as they love them and do their best by them, alls good in my world.

DFIL didn’t suddenly morph in to this. It’s been that way since DS was born, just with little things. I had made peace with it until I saw they took the kids to DW.
There’s no score card, and it’s not about the material things. It’s about spending quality time with your GKs. I have to initiate ALL the visits and sleepovers.

 

[lmbcdb]

The OP said she read on FB. Not saying it is the problem but what are you putting into the relationship. Sometimes the child (either son or daughter) are the ones that are including their parents regularly with visits and calls. Those grandchildren may be closer because their parents put in the effort. Getting info about your in laws about what they did last month off of FB says IMHO that maybe you aren't putting effort into the relationship. Maybe the other child is.


I didn't want that to come off as rude because I didn't mean it that way

No, I did know they were going to Florida. We had seen them the week before and talked about the fact they were going out of town to visit his family. The only reason I knew they boys went was because I saw the pictures on DH's cousin's FB.

And no, you didn't come off as rude. Very politely written.

 

[cm8]

.
TWENTY? Wow. Can you imagine if they took them ALL to DW?

My Mom has 23 and she is paying for all of us plus her GC to go to WDW and stay for a week. I've been the lucky one planning it all

 

[The Mystery Machine]

There’s no score card, and it’s not about the material things. It’s about spending quality time with your GKs. I have to initiate ALL the visits and sleepovers.

Well there is your issue right there. Stop doing that. You are your own worst enemy there.

Use the reciprocity way...

You initiate, then it is their turn. If their turn (they call and invite your kids without you saying ANYTHING) NEVER comes then you know where you stand.

 

[rhino78]

Life isn't fair, blah, blah, blah. Once again, grandparents are being buttmonkeys and people say it's just the way things are. I say, call them on it. When your kids ask why the GPs took the other GKs to WDW, tell them to ask good old Grandpa. Put him on the spot. Why worry about his feelings? He isn't too concerned with your kids' feelings.

What goes around, comes around. If he keeps this up, he'd better hope his wife's grandkids are devoted to BOTH of them, because there is a good chance your kids will lose interest in Grandpa as time goes by and they realize they are "also rans." Just read the previous posts. It happens over and over. The results of favoritism are predictable. No one should be surprised when your kids, in the future, decide they have little time for a Grandpa who put his wife's grandkids first. Too bad he fails to realize that.

Sure, it's his right to show favoristism via his wife's wishes. But he may very well pay a high price for it.

I can't believe you would want your kids to "call" their grandparents on something like this. I think getting a positive outcome would be like winning the lottery. Yeah, there is a tiny chance, but better prepare for disappointment. And don't forget the possiblilty that the grandparents are now are angry/annoyed at being called out on something that is a perfectly acceptable choice. I can'timagine many kids thanking their parents for throwing them to the lions like that.

I knew my grandmother favored my cousins when I was 8 or 9 years old. She would buy them expensive, personal gifts and get us little trinkets. One Christmas, a cousin got a full drum set while my brother and I got drug store calculators. It just never bothered us or my parents. In fact, if I had ever tried to embarass my grnadmother that way, my father would have come down on me like a ton of bricks. My parents knew and just accepted it as the way my grandmother was the same way my brother and I did. It was just a part of who my grandmother was.

TO me, it seems like this is almost always a lot more about the parents being angry for their kids. If, as a parent, you (general) want to confront an inlaw about how they treat your child, more power to you, but don't drag children into that. They will figure it out on their own. That's where I completely agree. The grandparents will reap what they sow. And, as a personal opinion, why would you want grandparents to pretend to like everyone equally if they don't? For me, I would rather just have honest opinions and actions, not manufactured ones out of shame or embarrassment.

 

[Andtototoo]

I can't believe you would want your kids to "call" their grandparents on something like this. I think getting a positive outcome would be like winning the lottery. Yeah, there is a tiny chance, but better prepare for disappointment. And don't forget the possiblilty that the grandparents are now are angry/annoyed at being called out on something that is a perfectly acceptable choice. I can'timagine many kids thanking their parents for throwing them to the lions like that.

I knew my grandmother favored my cousins when I was 8 or 9 years old. She would buy them expensive, personal gifts and get us little trinkets. One Christmas, a cousin got a full drum set while my brother and I got drug store calculators. It just never bothered us or my parents. In fact, if I had ever tried to embarass my grnadmother that way, my father would have come down on me like a ton of bricks. My parents knew and just accepted it as the way my grandmother was the same way my brother and I did. It was just a part of who my grandmother was.

TO me, it seems like this is almost always a lot more about the parents being angry for their kids. If, as a parent, you (general) want to confront an inlaw about how they treat your child, more power to you, but don't drag children into that. They will figure it out on their own. That's where I completely agree. The grandparents will reap what they sow. And, as a personal opinion, why would you want grandparents to pretend to like everyone equally if they don't? For me, I would rather just have honest opinions and actions, not manufactured ones out of shame or embarrassment.

I typed out something long, but forget it. I'll never agree that it's okay to treat some people like royalty and other people like crap and that we should just accept it because it's faaaaaaaaamiliy.

 

[lmbcdb]

My Mom has 23 and she is paying for all of us plus her GC to go to WDW and stay for a week. I've been the lucky one planning it all

That planning actually sounds like fun!

 

[Disney Doll]

You're not going to change it, so don't waste energy on it.

If your kids ask you why it seems like Grandpa does more with those kids than with them, answer them honestly "I have no idea. But I know he love you and that's what counts".

Its good for them to learn early that life is not going to be fair.

 

[happiestever]

This reminds me of my great granddad and his new wife taking her whole family on a cruise to wdw. I figured out pretty quickly that life isn't fair and if I ever did want something I had to get it for myself. I often tell my husband when he is asking why so and so doesn't do this or that for our family that it isn't up to others and we shouldn't expect it. It would just be more painful to keep track of all the transgressions.

 

[luvsJack]

A lot of grandparents do seem to play favorites but I think sometimes people need to look at WHY.

In my family, my kids are the favorite grandkids. But, Mom and Dad were especially close to my brother's dd and they took her places etc. that they didn't always take the other gk's. But, everyone knew why.

Amongst us 4 siblings there is a difference in financial situations sometimes.
So, if Mom and Dad wanted to go to WDW, they would take the grandchild that they felt wouldn't get to go otherwise. It didn't make sense to them to also take the one that went every year. So they took dniece a couple of times to wdw and once to the mountains.

When I divorced my sons' father, we moved in with my parents for a short time. They helped me with child care while I worked and so they were very close to my sons. When they got old enough to start playing sports, my dad helped them with that and went on to coach them because they didn't have a father that would do so.


My in-laws don't do a whole lot with dd. All of the grandchildren that are around her age live around them--within walking distance of their home. Two of them live with the in-laws. So, naturally, if dmil decides to go shopping she takes the dgd that is the same age as dd with her. Its not that she doesn't enjoy spending time with dd, its just that we live further away and its not so easy to do a "pick up and go" kind of thing.


Sometimes grandparents are just nuts and grouchy and really do have a favorite above all others. But, I think most parents need to really stop and examine why a grandparent appears to be playing favorites and you may understand them a little better.

 

[VeganCupcake]

Some Grandparents do "play favorites" for one reason or another.

I try to be understanding with MIL & FIL doing so but I do get a bit petty about it sometimes. SIL had her first when she was 17, she has 3 kids from 3 different people(her kids are 10- 15) and only the oldest one has family from the dad in her life, the other 2 never met their dad's. When DS is older he will appreciate more that he is so lucky to have such a big family(my parents got divorced when I was 10-it was a good thing, and both remarried, I have a huge happy family now instead of a miserable one).

FIL & MIL are paying for themselves, SIL, SIL's boyfriend, and SIL's 3 kids to go to Universal this weekend(hotel food, everything.) DH works for FIL (full time for about a year now, it was part time before then) running the business aspect of the auto shop, handling frivolous lawsuit attempts, and all of the customers that come in. DH asked FIL for a day off so we could take a 3 day weekend to DW and FIL told him, he could do it but he won't get paid for the day, OK, fine, business is business but SIL gets her and her BF's cars worked on anytime they need it, for 100% free, we pay for our parts and DH does the labor himself. Now, SIL isn't the brightest when it comes to common sense, but she makes more than double what DH makes. She is able to make this money because FIL & MIL bought her a house next door to theirs when she got pregnant with child #2. For 3-4 years they paid all of her bills and watched her kids whenever she needed them to(or wanted them to for that matter, b/c and I quote MIL "how is she ever going to be able to meet a nice guy if she is always at home with the kids") so she could get her GED and then she went to school to become a nurse. The deal was once she got a nursing job(which she did right away) she was going to take over the mortgage payment on the house they bought her. She moved out a month after getting a job, and left them stuck with the bill , this was last year. FIL has taken her, her boyfriend, and her kids up to Orlando and paid for everything one time already this year. Also when the youngest of her 3 turned 10 last November, FIL rented a van (Spent about $350 on it) and paid for all 7 of them to go down to Monkey Jungle for the day total came to about $700, plus all of the effort and time. FIL couldn't be bothered to come over for DS's birthday party(5) this year even though we live less than a mile away. Some people are just weirdos. 2 Christmases ago, MIL & FIL spent about $500-800 per SIL's kids when DS had just turned 4, when you are 4 you don't understand things as much. So we went over there at the time they told us to come and watched SIL's kids open present after present after present while DS had 2 little things to open. DS said "where is mine to open? Can I open one now?". Now I know Christmas isn't about getting gifts, and I know that the kid's don't have a big family like my DS but why couldn't they just invite us over once the other 3 were done opening presents? I am well aware the whole situation is petty to get upset over, but it still bothers me nonetheless. It is what it is.


- Sorry this was so long, and I wasn't trying to hijack, evidently I needed to let this out !

 

[rhino78]

I typed out something long, but forget it. I'll never agree that it's okay to treat some people like royalty and other people like crap and that we should just accept it because it's faaaaaaaaamiliy.

No offense, but you completely missed the point. I wasn't talking about being treated like "crap". I don't equate favortisim to treating people like crap. Grandparents can be kind and loving and still favor one grandchild. Spouses may prefer the company of their spouse, but that doesn't mean they treat everyone else like crap. It just means they like their spouse more.

 

[eliza61]

I think that has a lot to do with it, too. We work really hard in our marriage to talk to each other when things are bothering us)


That’s one of the hardest lessons to learn. I’m sorry about your kids, I hope they have other grandparents who treated them better.

I can’t even imagine how that would go. Even better, DS goes up to DFIL and asks, “J and B said you took them to DW this summer. So are going over Christmas or Spring Break?”
Interesting point about the comes around/goes around. I have a feeling these boys will grow up to be selfish, uncaring kids. Those types at 21 will just ignore the old grandparents.
I need to continue to teach my son to speak up for himself. I love DH, but he has a lot of trouble with it.


He wouldn’t blow up. We’d just never hear from him again. 
I tried to inadvertently point it out to him one night when he came to DS’s gymnastics practice. He brought one of the “golden boys” with him and we were all chatting about our summers. I said my nephew, “I heard you went to DW this summer.” So we chatted about DW with DFIL sitting right there. I think it went over his head.

I do, too, but DH and his family are always just “surface” conversationalists. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything more than chit chat in the 15 years I’ve been with my husband.


My DS worships the ground his grandfather walks on. Maybe I can help by doing some of the things I mentioned earlier – inviting them over, meeting them for lunch, etc.

I think this is the issue. The “divide” is so great. You’re right, it’s not a $20 vs. a $50 toy. It’s thousands of dollars vs. McDonald’s when they sleep over. I can see them as teenagers. Golden Boys get to go to France and get a new car. It’s not that I’m jealous, but that the preference is so obvious.
I won’t say something, but I will try to guide my DS to saying the right thing when he does find out so that he doesn’t seem like a greedy brat.

DFIL didn’t suddenly morph in to this. It’s been that way since DS was born, just with little things. I had made peace with it until I saw they took the kids to DW.
There’s no score card, and it’s not about the material things. It’s about spending quality time with your GKs. I have to initiate ALL the visits and sleepovers.

Then simply ask them why? first let me say I have no basis which to compare it to. I never, ever think about what my inlaws are doing with their other grandkids. Like I said I primarily worry about what they do with mine. If they never wanted to spend time with my kids, that would be fine and we would move on.
As a kid I can honestly say, I never worried or even thought about what grandma and pop pop did with my cousins either. Since my sis and I were the only girls in about 50 boys we naturally didn't do every thing together nor did it really upset us with pop pop took my brothers fishing and I didn't go. probably because usually I had some thing just as interesting to do.

One of my inlaws is from Portugal, dh was raised there, many times my sil and her kids are in Lisbon, never once have I said "how come she didn't invite us". I just don't think that way. neither does my husband.

If golden boy goes to France, so what? Does that mean that automatically everyone has to go? How about simply saying, "hey that was nice"? what are you going to say? "how come you didn't take my teen to paris"?

For now you say that your son adores his grandpa, so the guy must be doing some thing right, how about just fostering that for now. say simply how much ds loves spending time with you and see if you can expand on that.

let me say again, I just don't keep score or track of who does what with whom so it's hard for me to relate. not saying you do.

I do want to wish you good luck, I totally understand wanting to protect our kids feelings especially when they are young and if you think your son is being hurt by it, then I would simply ask your dh to speak up.

 

[Coconut36]

You're not going to change it, so don't waste energy on it.

If your kids ask you why it seems like Grandpa does more with those kids than with them, answer them honestly "I have no idea. But I know he love you and that's what counts".

Its good for them to learn early that life is not going to be fair.

Yep. My IL treat my children like after thoughts for the most part. There is a very large age gap between them and their other grandkids (the youngest older grandchild is 11 1/2 years older than my oldest child) and within 2 years of my youngest being born the oldest grandchild had a child. There are now 3 great grandchildren and at best my kids get lumped in with them. They have never been equitable in how they treat them or what they do for them. My oldest noticed it somewhat this Christmas when the greats and other grandkids were opening mounds of Christmas gifts in front of them and they only had a couple items.

I don't think there is a perfect way to explain it other than "they love you" and controlling/limiting interactions in a way that will help minimize the differences/inequitable treatment. There is no changing people like that IMO and "calling them out" is likely just going to cause more problems/further the divide. They can't be ignorant to what they are doing..they just don't care and putting them on the spot isn't going to magically change them.

 

[TaraPA]

Haven't read the whole thread so I don't even know if it's still on topic or not - but I have a MIL that took the cake (ok the cash) in playing favorites...


MIL has 4 grandkids - my 2, and SIL's 2 (one of which is being raised by MIL long, very dysfnuctional, story).

When MIL's mother died (DH's grandmother) she wrote the obit to say "in lieu of flowers please make a monetary donation to Grandchild X." Um, excuse me? There are FOUR grandchildren, not just Grandchld X. Yes Grandchild X lives with MIL but you don't single her out & actually NAME HER in the obit to get monetary donation!!!!!! It had nothing to do with the money - it was the fact that she blatantly excluded the other 3 grandkids by naming one of them to get everything. I don't care if she was requesting cards, flowers, whatever - you name them all - they were all equal great-grandchildren of the deceased.

That was the end & we have cut off all ties with her. She had been a greedy, selfish, mentally unstable person her whole life & that just took the cake.

 

[amberg@eastlink.ca]

omg it infuriates me cus it's favortisim between dd and ds!!!! bil is not married and prob never will be, so these will be the only grandkids(plus number three still cooking) they will ever have. mil blatenly prefers ds who is younger. however that being said they are the same with their two boys. dh is the older and bil is the golden boy. he can do no wrong, lives 2 streets up from us and they go there weekly but will not visit here. they drive by twice a day and do not stop in(not that i mind) but if they're there why can't they come see the grandkids???

they miss dd's parties all the time and at her fifth she asked so she's cluing in. they always make it to ds's. at dd's (actual) bday for yrs they brought ds a "jealousy" gift to her parties, but not once did she receive one at his bdays. it makes my blood boil! they took us out for ice cream after dd advanced to brownies. ds let out a huge burp and immediatley said excuse me as is expected from us. not two minutes goes by and dd does as well, and immediatley says excuse me as well. she gets ragged on!!! i of course step in and exclaim what? she used her manners and said excuse me. of course i was ignored.

i do often wonder if its cus the inlaws are that blatently stupid or if it goes back to when dd was born and in nicu for 2 weeks. not that thats any excuse at all. a friend has a theory after we announced this one was agirl as well. they didnt say congrats(after two back to back molar pregnancy losses). she thinks if it had been another boy they would act different. prob true.

i guess i have no advice, aside from asking whyon earth? just stating you're sadly not alone.

 

[coneeny4]

Today is my DD 15th birthday and my DS 11th.
They received 1 Facebook message from my DH sister.

No calls, cards or anything from my DH's mother, 2 brothers or other sister. Just venting..

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Today is my DD 15th birthday and my DS 11th.
They received 1 Facebook message from my DH sister.

No calls, cards or anything from my DH's mother, 2 brothers or other sister. Just venting..

Tell them I said happy b-day

 

[megsoro]

As one of the least "favored" grandchildren, You do notice, and you notice early on. There are five grandchildren on my dad's side. My cousin 1, my sister, cousin 2, me, and my brother. My cousin 1 and my sister are two years apart, first grandchild, and first grandchild from the only son (my dad). They are treated like princesses and always have been. Cousin 2 was the first male grandchild, even though we were born only a year apart, he is a prince. Then we have my brother, the only male grandchild to have the family name. At holidays, my grandmother and childless aunts would shower everyone else with affection and gifts. One year everyone received a crisp $100 bill from my grandmother(ages were 12, 10, 9,8, and 5), but me. I got a cheap paper back novel. My grandmother couldn't understand why my parents were upset- I liked to read, didn't I? Even at 8, I threw the book away. I knew they didn't like me, but I didn't know why. How can you explain to an 8 year old that her family doesn't like her the same as her siblings and cousins?

Another tradition, one aunt would give you $10 for every year you were born. When I turned sixteen, I expected the same my sister and cousins had gotten- I got a check for $10. (and this isn't for lack of money, as routinely shown by taking my sister and cousin to Broadway shows, but never me)

My parents flipped at that point, and cut off all ties. Kids do notice these things. Kids do understand when they're getting shafted, and I know I personally spent a lot of time crying and wondering why my own family didn't love me. (and it turned into some pretty nasty self esteem issues with my appearances- I was the only blonde, blue eyed grandchild)

Sorry for the rant. Got carried away.