Gay adoption

[beckmrk04]

So, I got my e-mail from the National Organization for Women (NOW) and in it was a link to a USA Today article about the battle over gay adoption heating up in 16 states. I live in IL, which, thankfully, is Democratic (at least for now), and as far as I know, there are no laws banning gay and lesbian couples from adopting children. I was just wondering what other people's experiences are with this? FL allows no gay couples to adopt. Utah allows no unmarried couples to adopt. So, if you are LGBT, and want to adopt or have adopted, what have been your experiences? I know it's hard enough for straight couples, I can't imagine what it must be like for the LGBT families. Care to share your stories?

P.S.- in the meantime, I am trying to look up IL laws on this issue.

 

[ChrizJen]

Thanks for bringing this up... This is becoming a very serious issue...
We have not adopted, but we have friends who adopted from Guatemala, and they are in the process of adopting again, this time from Brazil. We all live in St. Louis. As we speak, our governor is in the proccess of banning all same-sex adoptions here in Missouri. I don't know all of the laws in Illinois, but I do know that when our friends were preparing for their Guatemala adoption, they moved across the river to Illinois. I don't think that there are any laws prohibiting same sex couples from adopting in IL. They had to deal with Guatemala's laws regarding this, so only one of them was able to do the initial adoption, and then when they got their son into the states, the other had to file for second parent adoption. Evidently, Brazil has no law against same sex couples adopting. They will both be making the trip to Brazil when there is a child for them.

But here is the thing. These states (like MO) are not only moving to ban same sex adoption, but they are trying to make it so that they don't even have to recognize adoptions that are already final!!
So in my friends' case, the first adoption would be recognized, but if they continue to live here in STL, the partner who second-parent adopted would lose his rights to their son! So if anything happened to his partner, not only would he not have the right to visit him in the hospital, he would lose all rights to his son!!!
This just sickens me...that all of these people preach about "focus on the family" and that type of bologna. But what they really mean is focus on HETEROSEXUAL families...
They are OK with respecting the rights of a single, unwed mother of 6 "OOPS" children who doesn't have a job and lives on our hard-earned tax dollars. But take a loving, caring, hard-working, respectable couple who want a child more than anything in life, and if they happen to be gay or lesbian, then they MUST be filthy, vile, sub-human enough that they're not deserving of a child.
I'm sorry...This just infuriates me....
As for your main question, I think that IL is one of the most liberal states regarding same sex adoption (as of right now). My partner and I are currently trying to conceive, and when we do, we are considering moving across the river ourselves so that it will be easier for my partner to second-parent adopt our child. It's really just a shame that things have to be so difficult. We have actually thought seriously about just filing for citizenship in Canada.
Who knows...all I can say is that we need to fight for our rights before we lose them all...
-Christal

 

[beckmrk04]

ChrizJen: First, congrats on trying to concieve!!!And, I couldn't agree with you more. After doing research, I found that Florida and Mississippi are the only states that currently have laws against gay couples adopting. Not that other statesmay not try to make it harder in their own way. And Utah has a law that says no unmarried couple can adopt, which in effect eliminates gay and lesbian couples, since our govt. has deemed it unfit to offer gay and lesbian couples the same rights currently offerred to hetero couples. Argh.

We live about an hour from St. Louis- you should really jump the river and move to IL!! Until then, on the NOW website I found a bumper sticker (I used to work in ST. Charles) for my friends that said "I've got the RED state BLUES"!! How funny. I worked at a non-profit sexual assault crisis center in MO, and boy, that was a trip. I loved my job, but eventually the hour + commute and stress of the job did me in.

And I am so sorry to hear that you have actually considered moving countries because of all this, not that I blame you. It is just such a sad situation.

And I didn't know that MO was trying to reverse adoptions. Wouldn't they be subject to a grandfather clause?

Does anyone else have stories about this? Or, how they found ways around certain laws?

And everyone! LBGT or CSP! Contact your local representatives!!! Tell them how you feel about this issue! I know that Sen. Obama and Sen. Durbin are probably tired of me calling, writing, e-mailing, what have you... Gov. Blagovievich also. But, hey- that's what they are there for. And they can't know how their constituents feel about an issue if we don't let them know.

 

[Carrie772]

"I'm sorry...This just infuriates me...."

You don't have to apologize for being angry about something that is wrong.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Texas is a horrible place as far as equality goes. There was a BIG fuss about outlawing gay foster parenting, and of course we now have that shiny new law about no same sex marriage.

I don't know any gay or lesbian couples who have adopted. The gay men seem to have gotten their children by being in straight marriages first, then divorcing after the children were born. The lesbians tend to have biological children. I don't know if they have friends donate the necessary component or how that works. None of my business!

The one option lesbian couples have that might give both partners some rights is to have one partner donate the egg and the other partner carry the fetus. Obviously that will vary from state to state but it might be worth looking into.

Some friends of ours who were interested in looking into adoption said they were only able to find ONE man who was able to successfully go through the process of domestic adoption, and that was by being very closeted and presenting himself as being single. They would make terrific dads, but in addition to being gay they also have some health issues so they didn't even TRY to qualify.

I don't understand why ANY child should have to languish in foster care or an institution when there are so many loving GLBT couples that would welcome the opportunity to open their hearts and homes. Just one more sad, unfair, ugly aspect of politics in this country.

 

[nordkin]

We are a couple in Maryland who has adopted. We adopted 3 older children from Russia in 1992 and 1993. We had to lie and do a single parent adoption because the laws for international adoption specifically do not allow gay or lesbian adoptions. The first agency we went through took a couple thousand dollars of our money for the home study and then cam eback and said my partner who was doing the adoption would not be a good parent so they would not proceed. We went to an agency in Texas and she had a placement in 2 months. She traveled to Russia to pick up our daughter and selected two boys while she was there that came home 9 months later. We decided to finalize the adoption in Maryland, although we did not have to, and at the adoption proceedings the judge asked if we wanted to do the second parent adoption. At the time the issue was heavy in the press and we would have been the first gay or lesbian couple to do a second parent adoption in Maryland. We were concerned about the publicity and the effect on the children so we decided not to do it. I will tell you we did not regret that decision until the children got to their late teens and I was told quite often by the boys that I was not their parent and legally I am not. We have had some legal and mental problems with the boys and the fact that I was not a legal parent has only been an issue with one doctor who refused to even discuss the issue at hand with my partner if I was there. She and I both immediately made it clear that I was also a parent and if he had issues we would change doctors. He immediately backed off and started treating me as an equal. We had legal documents drawn up making me guardian if anything happened to Joi and thank goodness all three kids are now of age and this is no lnger a concern.

For anyone considering adoption I would highly recommend Family Pride Coalition. They do so much work in this area that goes unnoticed. The Human Rights Campaign also does work on this area, but Family Pride does so much more. Please check out their web site for a wealth of information.

Donna

 

[icebrat001]

I think it's totally unjust that people (lawmakers and what not) can make such major decisions saying who can and cannot adopt based on things such as race, religion and orientation. It's wrong and it's uncalled for. What happened to equal rights for all? We are getting the short end of the stick and it infuriates me big time and just think, I'm about to move to one of "those" states.

 

[SuperGurl]

I'm straight and I don't understand why adopting is not allowed for gays or lesbians. What is the deal with that? There are many children who deserve a wonderful home. Even if there are people who think it is "wrong" to be gay/lesbian --that is their opinion and they should not have any say in whether gays/lesbians adopt . Orientation is not what makes someone a good or bad parent.

 

[D L and K's Mom]

I just don't understand why new laws are not being written. Maybe I am very sheltered and I probably don't know what I am talking about but if the current law does not seem to work then FIX IT!!!!! If the terminology is the problem CHANGE IT!!!!! If people are having trouble with the work marriage or adoption then change the words and put in another word that will allow same sex couples the same rights that are given to hetro couples. If anything happens to me my husband has the responsibility of our children. If I am sick and in the hospital my husband has the right to make decisions and has the right to visit me etc. Because he is my husband he is my other half. I am on his insurance policy, my name is along side of his on our house, our car etc.......If people in our govenment are having trouble with the words same sex marriage then CHANGE THE DARN WORDS. I just don't understand it.
have 2 friends who have been together for years. They are the most caring, loving wonderful people in the world. If anything happens to either one of them the other has no rights.They both have great jobs but they each have theri own healt insurance costing them more than if they could be listed on each others. If one is sick the other is dependant on the others family to make sure they are in on the decision process etc. It makes me so sad, sick and angry. They are trying to adopt a child and they will make the greatest parents in the world. If I am hearing what they are explaining correctly only one of them will be listed on the adoption. I am not positive about this but I think that is how it is going to have to be. I think it is nuts. I know there are many many children out there who need a family. They need love, they need attention , they need safety. Where does it say that this only can come from a family where there is a Mom and a Dad. I think a MOM and MOM or a DAD and DAD or just a MOM or just a DAD can give just as much love as a Mom and Dad. A family can be a grandparent, an Aunt a step parent etc why not 2 same sex parents?? Forgive my rant. I am a teacher and I can tell you there are many parents out there who should not be parents....straight, gay, Catholic, Jewish,pink, purple or green they should just NOT be parents. I agree with the previous post that orientation does not make a good parent or family....love does, and love should always be unconditional.....love, hugs, safety and a happy home......that is what children need. How can a state govenment reverse a parents rights to their child? That is crazy. I can't believe it is 2006 and this is still happening in our country. Ok my rant is over. I am done.....for now.

 

[lisajl]

Here in Ohio they are trying to ban same sex adoptions, also.
I am so angry about this. I just don't understand why they are doing this.
Does anyone know why? Is it because they think they will brainwash the kids into being gay? Do they think if a homosexual man adopts a son he will sexually molest it?
I just don't get it.

Aren't the majority of child molesters middle aged, straight, white guys?

Lisa

 

[beckmrk04]

Here in Ohio they are trying to ban same sex adoptions, also.
I am so angry about this. I just don't understand why they are doing this.
Does anyone know why? Is it because they think they will brainwash the kids into being gay? Do they think if a homosexual man adopts a son he will sexually molest it?
I just don't get it.

Aren't the majority of child molesters middle aged, straight, white guys?

Lisa

98% of male sexual offenders (rapists, child molesters, etc.) identify themselves as heterosexual, even if their victims were male.

The idea that gays/lesbians are child molesters is nothing more than idiotic, completely false and disgusting propaganda

 

[lisajl]

98% of male sexual offenders (rapists, child molesters, etc.) identify themselves as heterosexual, even if their victims were male.

The idea that gays/lesbians are child molesters is nothing more than idiotic, completely false and disgusting propaganda

ITA, but there are a lot of right wing religious people...not that they are the only group, that think this is true.
This is why a lot of people don't like organized religion.


Lisa

 

[RickinNYC]

So happy to see this thread. Interestingly enough, Joe and I were out with friends at a goodbye party on Friday. A woman was there with her two year old daughter. Joe looked at me, I looked at him and we both said at the same darn time, "I want to adopt." Both of us were floored because in the 15 years that we've been together, neither of us were ready to become parents at the same time.

So, first we have to register in NYC as domestic partners. Never did it before because the rights attributed were strictly beneficial if you were a city worker. Neither of us were. But now that Joe is a public school teacher, they definitely apply.

Then we will start looking at adoption or foster parenthood. But that's a long time coming. We agreed that Joe should stick to his new career switch and focus on that in the coming year or so, then we can readdress the issue. But at least we'll start looking into the city and state laws. I do know New York is great at allowing this for same sex couples.

Who knows? Perhaps in a couple of year, I'm going to have a little calling me "Daddy."

Panic mode anyone?

 

[Accentuate+]

I live in a state where adoption by a gay couple would be difficult. Some friends of mine found their solution at:
http://www.growinggenerations.com/

They helped them with an egg donor, surrogate mother etc. This program helps lots of gay/lesbian couples and they've already thought of EVERYTHING from a legal standpoint. This child will have both their names on the birth certificate from day 1 because of the state the surrogate is in.

It's very thorough and they even put them through a baby care 101 type class. Depending on the services you choose it can require deep pockets but my friends are thrilled with the impending arrival of their child and feel it was well worth the time, effort and money.

 

[Accentuate+]

If anything happens to me my husband has the responsibility of our children. If I am sick and in the hospital my husband has the right to make decisions and has the right to visit me etc. Because he is my husband he is my other half. I am on his insurance policy, my name is along side of his on our house, our car etc.......If people in our govenment are having trouble with the words same sex marriage then CHANGE THE DARN WORDS. I just don't understand it.
have 2 friends who have been together for years. They are the most caring, loving wonderful people in the world. If anything happens to either one of them the other has no rights.They both have great jobs but they each have theri own healt insurance costing them more than if they could be listed on each others. If one is sick the other is dependant on the others family to make sure they are in on the decision process etc. .

First of all I agree with everything you said

Gay couples can get around a lot of this stuff with a good lawyer and a stack of paperwork, though. It's not right that they have to do it this way but it's better than leaving it undone. Things like being a decision maker in the case of illness, home or other property ownership etc can all be handled that way. If your friends are a long-term, committed couple and haven't been to a lawyer and worked all this out please encourage them to do so. It's generally not an issue until 'the worst' happens and then it can be a disaster. Especially if the family wasn't supportive of the relationship.

I swear it's not "leave a link" day and I'm not affiliated with any of the ones I've left but http://www.hrc.org/ has good information on ways to work for the kind of change you mention in your post.

 

[PoohnPglet]

Who knows? Perhaps in a couple of year, I'm going to have a little calling me "Daddy."

That does sound so much better than "Nahtadad"!

 

[Viki]

Great, great thread.

Although Gwen and I have raised our two adopted children from the time they both came home from the hospital (3 and 5 months of age), it took six long, hellish years for the adoptions to go through. The mixture of reasons for the delay included: biological mom would not give up her rights and the system is strongly geared to family (re)unification, we are two women, and we are two caucasian women while our children are African-American.

Because of the struggles we went through, when it came down to the adoption, we decided that although one Philadelphia judge was doing two-Mom adoptions, we just couldn't risk the kids on the luck of the draw. So, Gwen, being the younger and the healthier of the two of us (not to mention way, way cuter), is the adoptive mother.

I have to confess that this rarely ever occurs to me, but the flip side of that is that now that they are about to turn 17 and 18 we are very fortunate that nothing ever happened to Gwen.

 

[Saxton]

I have often thought about adopting a child with special needs, but since I'm solo and travel quite a bit for work it's not possible. Still, I find it frustrating to see that conservatives would rather keep those children that may be difficult to place in foster care or group settings rather that have them adopted by loving gays/lesbians. I found this on 365gay.com ... I don't know this guy but I like the way he thinks!

(Akron, Ohio) An Ohio Democrat is proposing legislation that would prevent Republicans from adopting children, a move aimed at embarrassing the GOP over moves to block gay adoptions.

State Sen. Robert Hagan (D-Youngstown) admits his bill is purely "tongue-in-cheek" but says that the message is anything but a joke.

In an email sent to fellow legislators, and obtained by Knight Ridder Newspapers, Hagan says he's looking for co-sponsors to "introduce legislation in the near future that would ban households with one or more Republican voters from adopting children or acting as foster parents."

Earlier this month a bill to ban gays, bisexuals, and transgenderds from adopting was proposed by 10 far-right Republicans. It was introduced in the House this month by state Rep. Ron Hood (R-Ashville)

"We need to see what we are doing," said Hagan, who called Hood's proposed bill blatantly discriminatory and "homophobic."

When Hood introduced his gay adoption ban he said that, "Studies have shown that the optimal setting to raise children in is a traditional setting with a mom and a dad."

Hood claims that children raised in gay households are at "increased risk" of physical and emotional problem.

In Hagan's email to fellow lawmaker's he skewers Hood's assertions, offering his own "credible research" shows that adopted children raised in Republican households are more at risk for developing "emotional problems, social stigmas, inflated egos, and alarming lack of tolerance for others they deem different than themselves and an air of overconfidence to mask their insecurities."

Hagan knows his mock bill has no chance of getting to the floor for a vote let alone passing. And, Hood's bill appears to be headed for a similar fate.

Last week 365Gay.com reported that GOP leaders in the House and Senate said they would not permit the measure to move through committee. (story)

©365Gay.com 2006

 

[beckmrk04]

I don't know this guy but I like the way he thinks!

Now there is some legislation I could get behind!!

Honestly, I know that not ALL Republicans feel this way, but seriously, this "fake" bill should be an eye opener as to the sorts of arguments that are used to keep gay and lesbian couples from adopting children.

For those of you who have responded thus far, I am sorry to hear of the struggles you have encountered or may encounter in the future. It breaks my heart that there are so many loving, caring, law-abiding couples out there longing for children who are being turned away simply because of who they love. It also breaks my heart that to some politicians, itis more important to stigmatize gay and lesbian couples than it is to find good homes for thousands of children who so desperately need them.

I can honestly say that right now I am just disgusted with the current state of affairs- be it LGBT rights, women's rights- don't EVEN get me started on South Dakota ... But, I refuse to believe that we are going to let our progress slide backwards. I, for one, will not.

Or- I'm moving to Canada.

 

[mommyceratops]

I saw this thread and had to check in and say I am outraged that same sex couples can not adopt (or marry) I just do not understand how law makers can say who would be good parents and who would make a good married couples!

It makes me so mad....Like they have not read a history book!!