Forgotten Aunt

[BearcatsFan]

I heard the same thing from my 'forgotten aunt' (actually it was my Grandmother) Here's what I would have said to her if I knew she wouldn't have flipped out. You might want to think about what I say from the neice/nephews perspective (I AM NOT SAYING THIS APPLIES TO YOU, BUT CONSIDER THAT THERE MIGHT BE A REASON THEY NEVER CALL YOU)

Dear Grandma,
I'm a college student now, and my life is extremely busy. It would be nice to hang out with you and have coffee, but if you are going to bring up that trip to the zoo when I was 10 every single time you see me, you should realize that I'm tired of hearing about how grateful I should be about it. I'm sorry that I threw up at lunch that day and ruined it for you.

Maybe you should consider that every time I see you, you spend half the time we are together comparing me to my cousin, who you seem to think is perfect. Honestly, I'm tired of hearing how perfect she is and how I should try to be more like her. I'm not her. Sorry you are so disappointed in me, but you make me feel about an inch tall and not worthy, so it's not fun to hang out with you.

When I do call you and visit, you then complain that the restaurant where we have lunch is far inferior to how it used to be 'back in the day' and you steal all the packets of sugar and stuff your rolls in your purse, and frankly, it embarasses me.

Then when I have to take you home so I can go to my afternoon class, you complain about how lonely you are and that I never stay enough. I'm sorry that I can't spend the whole day, but you should realize that I am making an effort. And please, don't call my Mom afterwards and tell her that my hair is appalling and I should have dressed up more.

Love, your granddaughter who feels like spending time with you is a huge chore.

Seriously, my Granmother used to make me feel like crap everytime I visted her. Is it possible that you are doing the same and don't realize it?

OF course it is also entirely possible that all your neices and nephews were raised with poor manners. And if that is the case, I'm sorry maybe it would be better to find some other neighbor children/young adults to get close to.

Wow.

 

[punkin]

I haven't spoken to my nephew since July. We have texted however and he does live on the other coast. I know he's 30 yo and has his own life, but an occasional phone call "just because" would be nice.

My niece is a teen and I figure I have to reach out to her...she won't call me. However, every time I do talk to her (we just skyped 2 days ago), she is very happy to hear from me.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I heard the same thing from my 'forgotten aunt' (actually it was my Grandmother) Here's what I would have said to her if I knew she wouldn't have flipped out. You might want to think about what I say from the neice/nephews perspective (I AM NOT SAYING THIS APPLIES TO YOU, BUT CONSIDER THAT THERE MIGHT BE A REASON THEY NEVER CALL YOU)

Dear Grandma,
I'm a college student now, and my life is extremely busy. It would be nice to hang out with you and have coffee, but if you are going to bring up that trip to the zoo when I was 10 every single time you see me, you should realize that I'm tired of hearing about how grateful I should be about it. I'm sorry that I threw up at lunch that day and ruined it for you.

Maybe you should consider that every time I see you, you spend half the time we are together comparing me to my cousin, who you seem to think is perfect. Honestly, I'm tired of hearing how perfect she is and how I should try to be more like her. I'm not her. Sorry you are so disappointed in me, but you make me feel about an inch tall and not worthy, so it's not fun to hang out with you.

When I do call you and visit, you then complain that the restaurant where we have lunch is far inferior to how it used to be 'back in the day' and you steal all the packets of sugar and stuff your rolls in your purse, and frankly, it embarasses me.

Then when I have to take you home so I can go to my afternoon class, you complain about how lonely you are and that I never stay enough. I'm sorry that I can't spend the whole day, but you should realize that I am making an effort. And please, don't call my Mom afterwards and tell her that my hair is appalling and I should have dressed up more.

Love, your granddaughter who feels like spending time with you is a huge chore.

Seriously, my Granmother used to make me feel like crap everytime I visted her. Is it possible that you are doing the same and don't realize it?

OF course it is also entirely possible that all your neices and nephews were raised with poor manners. And if that is the case, I'm sorry maybe it would be better to find some other neighbor children/young adults to get close to.

Why would your mom tell you she calls and criticizes your hair and clothes? Maybe you have a bad opinion of her because your mother does and taught you to focus on the negative things about her.

 

[scrapquitler]

Wow.

Yeah, it was pretty bad. I found out years later that when she was with my cousin, she spent all her time telling my cousin that she should be more like me and my cousin felt the same way I did, so now I know it wasn't just that I wasn't good enough.

 

[scrapquitler]

Why would your mom tell you she calls and criticizes your hair and clothes? Maybe you have a bad opinion of her because your mother does and taught you to focus on the negative things about her.

Yes, maybe. She used to also tell me that she was going to call my Mother so that my mother would do something about it.

 

[scrapquitler]

Dear nieces and nephews- I remembered your birthdays and gave you presents every year until you were 18. I give you a christmas present every year. I took all of you (individually) on a special outing or trip when you were 10. I've never asked anything of any of you, because I didn't do these things expecting anything--but not one of you invites me anywhere or to do anything unless it involves me giving a present. Is it to much to ask that one of you might invite me out for a lousy cup of coffee or something?

I heard the same thing from my 'forgotten aunt' (actually it was my Grandmother) Here's what I would have said to her if I knew she wouldn't have flipped out. You might want to think about what I say from the neice/nephews perspective (I AM NOT SAYING THIS APPLIES TO YOU, BUT CONSIDER THAT THERE MIGHT BE A REASON THEY NEVER CALL YOU)

Dear Grandma,
I'm a college student now, and my life is extremely busy. It would be nice to hang out with you and have coffee, but if you are going to bring up that trip to the zoo when I was 10 every single time you see me, you should realize that I'm tired of hearing about how grateful I should be about it. I'm sorry that I threw up at lunch that day and ruined it for you.

Maybe you should consider that every time I see you, you spend half the time we are together comparing me to my cousin, who you seem to think is perfect. Honestly, I'm tired of hearing how perfect she is and how I should try to be more like her. I'm not her. Sorry you are so disappointed in me, but you make me feel about an inch tall and not worthy, so it's not fun to hang out with you.

When I do call you and visit, you then complain that the restaurant where we have lunch is far inferior to how it used to be 'back in the day' and you steal all the packets of sugar and stuff your rolls in your purse, and frankly, it embarasses me.

Then when I have to take you home so I can go to my afternoon class, you complain about how lonely you are and that I never stay enough. I'm sorry that I can't spend the whole day, but you should realize that I am making an effort. And please, don't call my Mom afterwards and tell her that my hair is appalling and I should have dressed up more.

Love, your granddaughter who feels like spending time with you is a huge chore.

Seriously, my Granmother used to make me feel like crap everytime I visted her. Is it possible that you are doing the same and don't realize it?

OF course it is also entirely possible that all your neices and nephews were raised with poor manners. And if that is the case, I'm sorry maybe it would be better to find some other neighbor children/young adults to get close to.

 

[DisneyElite4]

I haven't spoken to my nephew since July. We have texted however and he does live on the other coast. I know he's 30 yo and has his own life, but an occasional phone call "just because" would be nice.

My niece is a teen and I figure I have to reach out to her...she won't call me. However, every time I do talk to her (we just skyped 2 days ago), she is very happy to hear from me.

See, IMO, July is not that long ago at all to have talked to an aunt on the phone. That was barely two months ago. Especially since he is a grown adult, possibly with a family of his own on the other side of the country. He is your nephew, not your son. And I do not mean that harshly at all - but sometimes I think aunts, particularly childless ones, may expect too much out of their grown adult nieces and nephews. I send cards to my aunts on all holidays, including Mother's Day, and I talk/visit with them 1-2 times a year. That is really all that should be expected of a grown niece or nephew, unless you are living in the same city or were exceptionally close to them growing up. (Meaning you literally raised them in your home, or something along the lines of that.)

 

[snapppyd]

See, IMO, July is not that long ago at all to have talked to an aunt on the phone. That was barely two months ago. Especially since he is a grown adult, possibly with a family of his own on the other side of the country. He is your nephew, not your son. And I do not mean that harshly at all - but sometimes I think aunts, particularly childless ones, may expect too much out of their grown adult nieces and nephews. I send cards to my aunts on all holidays, including Mother's Day, and I talk/visit with them 1-2 times a year. That is really all that should be expected of a grown niece or nephew, unless you are living in the same city or were exceptionally close to them growing up. (Meaning you literally raised them in your home, or something along the lines of that.)

That is wonderful and all the rest of us are asking for. I don't even need the visits, just a remembrance once in a while that I exist.

And to the previous poster, I get along very well with them, when we DO get together they say we are the fun aunt and uncle. I guess maybe some of us get a little more needy as we get older.

 

[punkin]

See, IMO, July is not that long ago at all to have talked to an aunt on the phone. That was barely two months ago. Especially since he is a grown adult, possibly with a family of his own on the other side of the country. He is your nephew, not your son. And I do not mean that harshly at all - but sometimes I think aunts, particularly childless ones, may expect too much out of their grown adult nieces and nephews. I send cards to my aunts on all holidays, including Mother's Day, and I talk/visit with them 1-2 times a year. That is really all that should be expected of a grown niece or nephew, unless you are living in the same city or were exceptionally close to them growing up. (Meaning you literally raised them in your home, or something along the lines of that.)

I am not childless. I have two of my own. Yes, I was a huge part of raising him (less so with my niece).

Maybe it's because my own uncle was such a huge part of my life (when he was alive), I have inflated expectations.

 

[Wishing on a star]

To me it goes both ways. You could just as easily invite them to stop by or you could call them up and ask if it would be ok to stop by and see the kids sometime. They probably figure that you have your own friends and your own life. I know my aunts do. They have their grandchildren and their friends to spend time with.

THIS!!!!

I hate it when relatives think that it is up to my son to meet their needs/expectations.

It can be a mutual two-way street... And that would be great!

But, I am not one who thinks that children 'owe' for things that adults have done for them.... I see a problem with that.
( There is one grandmother and one aunt in my family that come to my mind in particular )
Of course, a sincere 'thank you' is always in order! But, not to the extent that I am seeing described here, at all.

scrapquilter - love your example letter!

 

[BearcatsFan]

See, IMO, July is not that long ago at all to have talked to an aunt on the phone. That was barely two months ago. Especially since he is a grown adult, possibly with a family of his own on the other side of the country. He is your nephew, not your son. And I do not mean that harshly at all - but sometimes I think aunts, particularly childless ones, may expect too much out of their grown adult nieces and nephews. I send cards to my aunts on all holidays, including Mother's Day, and I talk/visit with them 1-2 times a year. That is really all that should be expected of a grown niece or nephew, unless you are living in the same city or were exceptionally close to them growing up. (Meaning you literally raised them in your home, or something along the lines of that.)

Sooo ... do you think it's expecting too much to be invited over or called once a year that doesn't involve bringing a gift? For a lot of us, that's what we're talking about - not daily interaction, just any interaction at all that doesn't involve parting with our money. I personally don't think that's expecting too much. Matter of fact, I don't think that's expecting much at all.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I think people are just too self-centered. They can't be bothered with anything that isn't about them so they just use the too busy excuse. Nobody is really so busy that they don't have 5 minutes to pick up a phone. Some people don't want to be bothered with listening to their older aunt or other relative talk about stuff they like to talk about so they make it seem like the relative's fault.

I have one aunt with no children. I try to call her once a week, even if I only have a few minutes to talk. I also make sure to invite her places even if I know she won't go. She did many thing for/with me when I was a kid and taking to time to be there for her now is important.
Yeah, sometimes she tells the same old stories over and over. It can be out the way to have to pick her up (she doesn't drive anymore). It'd be easy to make up excuses because there are time her stories are annoying but I'm sure there were times I annoyed her as a kid. Taking time for each other is important and part of being a family. It seems too many people forget that.

 

[snapppyd]

I think people are just too self-centered. They can't be bothered with anything that isn't about them so they just use the too busy excuse. Nobody is really so busy that they don't have 5 minutes to pick up a phone. Some people don't want to be bothered with listening to their older aunt or other relative talk about stuff they like to talk about so they make it seem like the relative's fault.

I have one aunt with no children. I try to call her once a week, even if I only have a few minutes to talk. I also make sure to invite her places even if I know she won't go. She did many thing for/with me when I was a kid and taking to time to be there for her now is important.
Yeah, sometimes she tells the same old stories over and over. It can be out the way to have to pick her up (she doesn't drive anymore). It'd be easy to make up excuses because there are time her stories are annoying but I'm sure there were times I annoyed her as a kid. Taking time for each other is important and part of being a family. It seems too many people forget that.

I also think everyone needs to realize that they WILL be old one day (if they are lucky) and treat people the way they will want to be treated.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sooo ... do you think it's expecting too much....

Like I kind of mentioned...
If it is a positive, mututal, two-way street, then great and wonderful!!!

It is the expectations... any preconceived expectations... especially based on 'what I did when you are a kid, that are where it gets off track.

 

[Robinrs]

I've been an aunt since I was 10. My nieces and nephews were like my children, I loved them sooooo much.

As they grew up they grew away... the first one REALLY hurt, the next one not as much, the third... heck by then I was used to it!!

Now I'm close with THEIR children. My niece's daughter moved to Georgia to go to school and she's the sweetest thing ever. My nephew's son and his wife just had a baby and he comes to visit us often.

There is always a time that they can't be bothered with the older members of the family, but if you hang in there, they will come back. They are just more into people their own age until they're through their 30s, then all of a sudden you're all the same age.

My oldest nephew and I reminisce a lot, we shared a LOT growing up. It's not that it's OVER, it's just that it had it's time, when he needed me. The memories he has are so sweet and positive, I know they had an effect on his life. And sometimes, that's the best thing we can give them.

 

[JamesMom]

I visit my Aunt every summer with my kids as I have for the past 3 years. It helps that she has a house a mile away from the Texas Gulf But it sucks that it is an 8 hour drive away as we live in North Tx and she in Corpus.

We grew very close while handling my ailing mother (her sister) during her final years. Mom past away 2 years ago and we keep in touch. However, this is after decades of neglect. I lived in NY while growing up and she in TX so we saw each other maybe every couple of years. She was a great aunt sending b-day cards and such, but as a teen and young adult I didn't appreciate her. She has no children so I am glad my kids are getting to know her since both of my parents are gone along with my other aunts and uncles (sad to think about...)

I am trying to be a good Aunt to my neice (2) and nephew (4) and fully plan on being taking for granted for a good while

 

[DisneyElite4]

Sooo ... do you think it's expecting too much to be invited over or called once a year that doesn't involve bringing a gift? For a lot of us, that's what we're talking about - not daily interaction, just any interaction at all that doesn't involve parting with our money. I personally don't think that's expecting too much. Matter of fact, I don't think that's expecting much at all.

Nope, I don't think that's too much to ask at all. At a minimum that's what I do for my aunts each year - phone calls or visits 1-2 times a year. The visits are at either of our houses and last for up to a week. All of my aunts are spread out across the country, none live within driving distance, so when we get together it has to be for an extended period of time. My aunts are welcome to come stay with me throughout the year, and I know I am welcome to do the same, and therefore we are usually able to see each other every year. If we can't get together that year, I will make an effort to call them instead.

I was specifically referring to the poster who hadn't spoken to her nephew since July and thought it was a long time. I had a long visit with one of my aunts in May and haven't spoken to her since then, except through text messaging and card sending. I think that's perfectly reasonable, as I know we will see other for an extended period of time over Christmas. Different people have different expectations.

On the other end of the spectrum is my DH - he makes no effort to stay in contact with his aunts, although I send them cards along with mine and we do see them about four times a year since we are all in the same state. But he would never call them or ask them to go do something. Maybe women are better at this than men?

 

[lovemygoofy]

Sooo ... do you think it's expecting too much to be invited over or called once a year that doesn't involve bringing a gift? For a lot of us, that's what we're talking about - not daily interaction, just any interaction at all that doesn't involve parting with our money. I personally don't think that's expecting too much. Matter of fact, I don't think that's expecting much at all.

I think you are experencing what parents also experience.You have the same expectations and disapointments that I've read over and over on here from parents that have the same struggle regarding their own children.

I have to practically sit on my husband to get him to call his parents. Our lives go a hundred miles an hour. My husband has 10 aunts and uncles..direct aunts and uncles. We(meaning I) send out a family email every few months and copy everyone on it to say hello and update everyone.

I also have a good number of aunts and uncles on my side and no I don't call them. They do call me on occasion and I stop and make the time to chat when they do call. I remember when I was young and my grandparents calling their nieces and nephews instead of waiting for them to call.

We don't have children either and I can see how people can get wrapped up in other children's lives. However I don't think it is fair to put more pressure on them to keep contact. If you want to make contact, then do it. If you don't like the birthday party invites, don't go or don't bring a present. You are the only allowing yourself to feel like a present bank.

 

[luvsJack]

THIS!!!!

I hate it when relatives think that it is up to my son to meet their needs/expectations.

It can be a mutual two-way street... And that would be great!

But, I am not one who thinks that children 'owe' for things that adults have done for them.... I see a problem with that.
( There is one grandmother and one aunt in my family that come to my mind in particular )
Of course, a sincere 'thank you' is always in order! But, not to the extent that I am seeing described here, at all.

scrapquilter - love your example letter!

I don't think the OP meant that anyone "owes" her anything. My kids have been given a lot by grandparents and by my sister and I tried to teach them not to "forget" grandma or aunt.

They probably would never think about just stopping by for a visit but they do try to do things for grandma and when my bil was in Iraq, they didn't forget that sometimes their aunt might need a little help.

Its about remembering family, and that family members are important. It is a two way street, but that street has to go both ways.

When a kid is 6, all they can do is give a big hug and thank you; but when that same kid is 13 they can mow the grass, clean out the gutters or bring grandma/aunt something she may need or even just pick her some flowers or buy her a cup of her favorite coffee (dd likes to remember grandma on our little trips to McD's for a frappe).

 

[happywanderer2]

thank you for all your replies--and believe it or not I've pretty much gone over all those reasons everyones brought up. my neices and nephews are all in their late 20's and 30's with busy lifes and families. I understand they are busy, but the times I have invited them over it has always been for dinner. they have never just called to come over to chat, and very rarely have I gotten a phone call. My one niece has texted me occasionlly, but even though that is her preferred method of communication-it's not mine.

I am childless and unmarried, but I work fulltime and have many friends and am very involved in my church. I just wish my family was closer-but I guess that isn't done very much anymore.

I was caregiver to both my parents (who've both passed now) and I'd like to address that person who doesn't see his/her parent very much-- we don't know how much time we have on this earth, don't think "I'll visit them tomorrow"--because tomorrow they might not be here. Give those people that you love a great big hug and a heartfelt "I love you", you'll both feel better.