For people with fertility issues....

[Scornelius]

....and anyone else who wants to share their opinions, I guess!

DH and I have been trying to start a family for a while, and due to my PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrom) we've been having a lot of trouble. I've has several miscarriages, and though we still have lots of medical options ahead of us, we've been looking into adoption and things like that. This has led to a disagreement about what the 'next best' option would be. So where else would I get opinions than here on the dis??

So, a poll is coming, but I'll lay it out as clearly as I can. After some people respond, I'll come back and share which one of us is taking which stance.

Say you have Girl X and Boy Y, and they want to have a baby, but Girl X cannot carry a baby to term. Which is the next best option?

1) Boy Y fathering a baby with Girl S, (a surrogate) with the idea being Girl X would adopt the baby as soon as it was born. Boy Y would be the biological father, so I assume no formal adoption would be necessary. We'll call the little bundle of joy Baby YS.

2) Boy Y and Girl X having a Girl S implanted with Girl X's egg fertalized by Boy Y. Basically invitro, but with a surrogate mother. We'll call this Baby XY+S. This option comes with more expense than the other two.

3) Boy Y and Girl X adopting a baby from Couple GH. Essentially, a 'regular' adoption where neither Y nor X will have any biological relation to the child.
We'll call this Baby GH.

Hope that makes some sense!! Let me hear those thoughts, people!

 

[AllyandJack]

Why can't you carry a baby to term? I'm just wondering since I have PCOS and I carried DD fine and I'm carrying this one fine. Yes, there is a higher rate of miscarriage with PCOS, but that risk is brought to normal levels with Metformin. PCOS is really easy to treat.

Anyway.....if I found out I couldn't carry a child, I'd probably adopt. I know a few people who used a surrogate and it went really well, but I just don't have that kind of money. My insurance covered all of my IVF, but wouldn't cover it if I used a surrogate. The expense is huge - for me and then having to pay the surrogate a fee and cover her medical expenses. I couldn't swing that.

Adoption isn't cheap or easy, but I think it's LESS pricey than doing IVF with a surrogate. Neither is a sure thing, so the financial issue would be the deciding factor.

Option 1.....that seems really complicated - egg donor, surrogate, adoption....all at once! That's a lot to manage.

Good luck with your decision. I know how hard it is to decide what to do next.

 

[Disney Ella]

Obviously there are risks with the mother/parents wanting custody before the adoption is final in any of these situations, but I would personally feel better about adoption. The surrogate thing just seems like it has the potential to get messy and I think I would be just a little jealous that my DH got to be the biological father but I was the adoptive mother. I know that's not the most rational way of looking at it, but it would be an emotional issue for me, and I would be the most comfortable with an adoption.

 

[da-winnie-pooh]

I would adopt from a foreign country so (hopefully) nobody would come wanting "their" child back a few years later.

Probably Guatemala.

Dh and I have discussed this but we haven't done it because of my health issues. I wish he'd change his mind, I'd still do it. Of course, our dc are 11 and 13 so I don't know how they'd feel about a baby in the house.

 

[Laura]

Honestly, nobody here can tell you what the next best step is. Please speak to a lawyer; surrogate mothers may or may not have certain rights with regards to a child. As for adoption, that's probably the option I would go for, but that has to do with my personality.

I would adopt from a foreign country so (hopefully) nobody would come wanting "their" child back a few years later.

This really doesn't happen in domestic adoption. In my state, the birth parents relinquish their parental rights starting at 72 hours after birth and once they sign that form, it's done. They can't change their minds. However, I do know that foreign adoptions can fall through, even after the prospective parents meet or are matched with a child. What's more, the child adopted from a foreign country might not be able to search for his or her birth parents as an adult. This could be an important thing to a person who was adopted. I don't know how things are for Canada, though. I can only speak in regards to the US.

 

[budbeerlady]

I would choose adoption (c). It doesnt matter to me who donate the goods to make the child I would love them anyway. If that couldnt be agreed upon I would use both of your "goods" with a surrogate. (I think that is option B)

 

[CEDmom]

Since DH and I adopted I'm a little biased. However when we were going through fertility treatment surogacy never crossed our minds. I think there's too much potential for problems. We were also worried about problems with a domestic adoption. We went to China and it's the best decision we ever made. I can't imagine having any other child as my DD.

 

[mjkacmom]

I didn't have issues, but I would go with B, C, and then A. From what I've heard, there are agencies that deal with a surrogate situation, with lawyers, and the child would be yours. My SIL adopted a baby girl from China - she is precious! If you were to go with A, definately use an egg donor!

 

[Scornelius]

Why can't you carry a baby to term? I'm just wondering since I have PCOS and I carried DD fine and I'm carrying this one fine. Yes, there is a higher rate of miscarriage with PCOS, but that risk is brought to normal levels with Metformin. PCOS is really easy to treat.

Firstly, congatulations on your DD and your upcomming blessing! It's always great to hear a cyster success story!

PCOS symptoms land all over the spectrum, and things that work for one person don't necessarily work for others. And I also mentioned that we have other medical options ahead of us, we're just looking into adoption and surrogacy and some of the more 'drastic' other options. I just cringe when I hear 'PCOS is really easy to treat', because there are thousands of women out there who know that's not always true!

 

[Wishing on a star]

There are personal issues involved here, so how anyone else feels is completely meaningless!

I would just be very very informed about ALL laws....

For example: it doesn't matter if the baby is biologically yours and your husbands.. The birth mother is the legal mother until she formally signs over her maternal rights... Which she could choose not to do...

For example: In ALL cases a full adoption would be necessary/advised. Again it doesn't matter who the bioliogical parents are... Even if you are the biological mother, If a surrogate gives birth, whether she is the bio mother or not... She is the mother until she signs over maternal rights.

At least, this is the way I feel the law reads in most all states.

PS: My assumption is that your DH wants to be the bio-father. While you would be happy to adopt, foregoing the risks, and expenses, of both of the mentioned methods of surrogacy.

 

[AllyandJack]

Firstly, congatulations on your DD and your upcomming blessing! It's always great to hear a cyster success story!

PCOS symptoms land all over the spectrum, and things that work for one person don't necessarily work for others. And I also mentioned that we have other medical options ahead of us, we're just looking into adoption and surrogacy and some of the more 'drastic' other options. I just cringe when I hear 'PCOS is really easy to treat', because there are thousands of women out there who know that's not always true!

That's why I was asking.....I was wondering if there was something about your PCOS that was causing the problems with carrying. I have a genetic clotting problem that causes problems carrying, but it's separate from my PCOS. We also have bad MFI.

We got hit all around.

 

[imadisneyholic]

I too am a cyster success story! Was told I would never have children and in the off chance I became pregnant I would lose the baby. I did have a miscarriage once and then became pregnant again two months later with DD#1. I'm now pregnant again but with twins this time! The only medication I end up on was metformin. Unfortunately I do know several women this does not work for and have to go different routes.

Are you a member at Soul Cysters? If not you really should check out that forum. It's dedicated to women dealing with PCOS and other fertility issues. They even have forums for women who are in the process of IVF, adoption, or other. It might give you some more insight from people actually dealing with it. http://www.soulcysters.com

I wish you the best of luck with which ever option you decide!

 

[Rella Bella]

Well, I'm always sad to hear of someone dealing with infertility.
And it sounds like you've already been through the ringer...
miscarriages are so tragic.

We did about 12 years of fertility treatments (on and off) and finally decided if we really wanted a child we had better look into a plan B. We chose adoption, and have never regreted it. We have a wonderful 12 yr old son, who has an open relationship with his bio-family. This may not work for everyone but it has been a blessing for all of us.

We weren't able to consider invitro. No ins and 15 yrs ago the odds were so poor that it was the worst sort of gamble. We figured for our 15,000 we could adopt a child or have a 3 to 5% chance of conceiving one... if we truly wanted to be parents there was only one choice. Surrogatocy was very rare... and risky back then too.

The adoption process is not always a bed of roses. We had two fall through. One bio-mom backed out at 7 months and the other changed her mind in the hospital... right before we were to take him home. We had worked on another one too... but it broke down earlier in the process.

By this time I was 40 and had just about decided it wasn't in the cards... then our son nearly fell in our laps! A very real miracle to all involved. But, all in all, I wish we had started the process sooner so we could have adopted more! We have found that even with his birth-family involved in his life the bonds of love we us are very strong, and normal. I would do it exactly the same again... I can't imagine our lives with out him.

I agree with the other posters that no one but you can say what is the best next step for you. I will say however... if you want more than one child that you might want to consider adoption - and sooner than later. If you spend all your money to attempt one conception, you may have one very wanted child but maybe not the whole family you imagine.

Check out the adoption laws in your Province. In the US every state has different laws regarding when the parents sign away rights. Some it's up to a year... others like Kansas where we adopted it's hours!! The shorter the better for the adoptive parents, because once the papers are signed they can't change their mind. And I highly recomend walking away from ANY adoption where the paterity is in question. Before you get involved financially with a specific birth mother be certain the father can be found, knows she is pregnant and is willing to sign away his rights. The adoptions that get over turned down the road are mostly attributed to one of those aspects with the father not being certain. Personally I would find a good agency and work with them... we never did, all our attemps were private, and we paid a very high emotional price for the ones that fell apart. Most of that could have been prevented by a good agency.

It takes a while to give up the dream of having a bio-child. But ever since we did, we have always wondered why it was so important. Belive me once the child is in your arms you will love them. Don't doubt it.

Good luck!

 

[Camicar]

This really doesn't happen in domestic adoption. In my state, the birth parents relinquish their parental rights starting at 72 hours after birth and once they sign that form, it's done.

Yes, this does happen. Don't assume that the way it is in your state is universal. My cousin recently adopted a child. The adoption was not final until 1 year after they received the baby. In fact, the lawyer told them not to 'get too attached' to the baby until the year had passed. I remember it very specifically bec we sent them a cookie bouquet on the 1 year anniversary of the adoption.

 

[Nennie]

I am in a similar situation! I have done 4 rounds of IVF, and have also had 4 losses, including a child born still at birth.

Do you have a known surrogate in mind??? If you have an angel that is willing to do this for you, I would choose your embryo (your egg, DH's sperm) with the known Gestational Carrier. (I am actually planning on doing this option this summer, if you'd like to chat about it further via PM!).

If you don't have known surrogate, and would need to pay a surrogate through an agency, this is still a viable option (albiet a bit more expensive than adoption). The pros are that you don't have to wait to be matched, don't have to worry about birthmother changing her mind, etc. The cons are that it isn't a "sure thing" (but then again, I've learned quickly that nothing is a sure thing anymore)!

I think if I didn't have a known surrogate in mind (and yes, I know how lucky I am that this angel has made such a generous offer), then I would lean towards adoption.

I hope this analysis helps a little!! Best of luck to you and lots of HUGS!!!!!!

 

[Snoopymom]

Endometriosis....chose adoption.

 

[ZPT1022]

Why can't you carry a baby to term? I'm just wondering since I have PCOS and I carried DD fine and I'm carrying this one fine. Yes, there is a higher rate of miscarriage with PCOS, but that risk is brought to normal levels with Metformin. PCOS is really easy to treat.

PCOS hits everyone differently. For me, I don't ovulate and have a very hard time getting pregnant. I had one scare with bleeding while pregnant, and another with pre-term labor with my twins (turned out to be dehydration & kidney infection and was easily stopped) but otherwise I stay pregnant. Heck, both times they had to evict the kids at the end

My friend on the other hand, also has PCOS. She conceives easily but has had, I think, four miscarriages so far.

That's the tricky thing with PCOS, it's not a set in stone thing

I would adopt from a foreign country so (hopefully) nobody would come wanting "their" child back a few years later.

Probably Guatemala.

This is what I've come down to for future children, although for some reason my heart is in China.

I just cringe when I hear 'PCOS is really easy to treat', because there are thousands of women out there who know that's not always true!

Thank you for saying this. PCOS has ruined my life. I have so many problems as a result of PCOS. I'm waiting for an appointment with a new endocrinologist to try to get things under control because right now things are just so out of whack it's ridiculous. For me, metformin is awful- the GI side effects are intolerable to say the least. I just want to wake up one day and be normal. I want to eat and exercise like I do and actually see results. I want to stop having issues with blood sugar. I want to not have breakouts anymore. I want my skin to return to normal. I want my hair to stop falling out, and so on and so forth.

I am really happy for the poster who found that her PCOS was easy to treat, really, I am. It's nice to hear a success story, but it's not always so easy.


For the OP, no one can decide what's right for you but you. I'm happy to share my journey if you ever want to talk about it- feel free to PM me and I can give you my phone number and/or email address. I've been through lots of treatments. Lucky for us our last go round of OI with IUI was successful, because next we were on to IVF. I wouldn't change having my twins for anything but I don't think that I would be willing to go through all the shots and whatnot again. I think my heart is leading me towards adoption for future children. Again, that may be the perspective from having been there and done that. I may not have been receptive to hearing that while we were going through treatments.

FWIW, in regards to the question you posed- I would consider further treatments like you seem to be doing now. I would also consider a gestational surrogate- a woman carrying a pregnancy consisting of embryos made from your eggs and DH's sperm. Adoption would definitely be high on my list, but like I mentioned before, it sometimes takes a while to get to that point. It may just be me but I think that if I had to go the egg donor route, that I would rather have a separate egg donor and gestational surrogate. Yes, it is logistically more complicated, and definitely more expensive, but I think I would just be more comfortable with it.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do, and please, feel free to contact me if you need to talk or vent or have questions.

 

[poohandwendy]

I would probably adopt. I think surrogacy has too many issues that are not worth the hassle. I don't feel the child needs to share DNA with either of the parents to be family, so adoption would be the desirable choice for me. (considering the choices you mentioned)

 

[Jen_in_NH]

My husband and I were discussing this 2 years ago, when I couldn't get pregnant. We decided to go with adoption.

I also have PCOS, and did actually get pregnant after 15 months of trying. I know it isn't easy, and I would love to figure out how to get it under really good control.

 

[Laura]

Yes, this does happen. Don't assume that the way it is in your state is universal. My cousin recently adopted a child. The adoption was not final until 1 year after they received the baby. In fact, the lawyer told them not to 'get too attached' to the baby until the year had passed. I remember it very specifically bec we sent them a cookie bouquet on the 1 year anniversary of the adoption.

Adoptions aren't final in my state until many months after the child is placed with the prospective parents. That does not mean the birth parents could come back and change their minds in that period of time (or "a few years later"--which was the claim I was disputing). They have already given up parental rights--no going back for them. Couples looking to adopt need to know their state's laws regarding this issue. I am well aware that what goes for my state does not apply to others; I worked for an adoption agency at one time and we took applications from couples from outside the state (as well as out of the country). But I find it hard to believe that birth parents in any state have years to make up their minds after their children have been placed.