Fathers of teenage daughters

[luvmy3]

Anyway, if this happened in our home, I would not toss the kid out but we would have a CTJ meeting and it would not be pretty.

This. I wouldn't just throw my child out for slapping my dh, or me. That punishment doesn't fit the crime IHMO.

 

[jrmasm]

The OP posted that there is a lot more going on here. I am not sure tossing her out will be the answer. Both Mom and Dad have taught her how to behave in an argument, she is being treated for depression and those medications may be causing some of the outbursts.
I do not condone hitting and cursing during arguments, but what on Earth happened during the first 18 years?

That's what I was wondering.

But I stand by what I said, either of my children hit my husband or I and they are out.

 

[StephMK]

I can't imagine a time when one of my kids would dare hit DH. He is a big guy & respect is his #1 pet peeve, priority, whatever. It would NOT be pretty if one of them dared to do that.

I would not throw them out but there would be some major consequences. My parents were not yellers but we had some yelling fights when I was a teen. I was pretty awful! Still, there was never any cursing or hitting, I wouldn't have dared.

I'm sorry that they're going through that & hope they can get some help so it doesn't end badly.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I don't know.

I can't believe something like this just comes out of nowhere.

It's not like, "Oh, she has never even raised her voice before, and now she curses at me and hits me." Probably didn't happen that way.

I'm sure the history of the relationship would dictate the reaction to this event.

Nobody unfamiliar with the history could even hazard a guess as to the answer to your question.

On the Dis though, I'm sure the answers will run the gamut from:

1) It's just the way teenager act.

to

2) Her belongings were on the street in 5 minutes.

I'm a woman and I only have boys. I *think*, though, that after an initial flash of anger and shock, I'd want to help her, not kick her out. There's a reason behind every behavior. If this was a common occurrence and she's resisted help, tough love might be the way to go. If it's out of the blue and she has never exhibited this behavior before, I think I'd be more confused and worried about her than angry.

 

[Praying Colonel]

I'm assuming this is the 1st time she's done that. If it's happened before, she'd be out.

Otherwise:

1. I would separate myself from the situation so I didn't respond in kind.

2. I'd have a long talk with my DW to make sure I'm not overreacting in what I'm thinking about doing.

3. I'd sit down with DD and DW and give her her 1 and only chance to come to Jesus and show true contrition, and a willingness to change. If she was anything less than 100% contrite and willing to work on her issues, I'd cut her off financially and give her 10 days to find someplace to live and get out.

 

[TinkerBelled]

I thought the details might change my mind. Look, it still isn't okay, and we all know that, but what we have here is a kid who grew up with anger issues and who is currently on anti-depressants, which can cause serious mood swings in teenagers. (They can still be really important, but it's a side effect.) I think this is a situation that calls for empathy. That said, it should be an empathetic wake-up call. I would suggest counseling with a professional.

 

[Robinrs]

Yes, we were taught to respect our parents. I screwed up.

I would have done the same thing if I had said 'dammit' to my dad when I was a teen!! Apologize profusely while shaking in my shoes.

I couldn't even IMAGINE saying a cuss word to my parents in my lifetime... Not even THINK IT.

I'm strictly old school in that department, also. The idea of striking a parent is alien to me. Something went wrong early in this relationship. Kids do act out but the idea of crossing that line is really incredible.

 

[Poohforyou]

I cannot agree. In our home, the kids knew who was going to get teh last word in an argument. That would have been me or Buddy. If an argument seemed to be getting out of hand the kid would have been told to walk away and we would talk later. There is no way that I would allow a teen to curse her way into making me walk away in my own home.
My DH would never have this kind of argument either, he never says something when he is angry though. Me, I have a temper but since my kids were little they knew that there were some things that were never going to be tolerated and hitting was one of them. Cussing was another. My oldest is 37 and I have never heard him or his siblings cuss in front of me. When my youngest was a teen, he and two of his friends went to a girls house, and I was to pick them all up. I went in to visit with the Mom and all of the kids were looking at photos. One of the girls used a cuss word and I thought the boys were going to Dan told her they did not talk that way in front of his Mom. I think some people use those words so much in their conversation that their kids spew them out without thinking.

Anyway, if this happened in our home, I would not toss the kid out but we would have a CTJ meeting and it would not be pretty.

It has nothing to do with my allowing my teen to behave in such away as to make me walk away. It has to do with me being more mature and knowing that if my child was getting so out of control as to be cursing at me than no good was going to come of the situation until she calmed down. Walking away would be a conscience decision.

I'm not big on DH or I getting the last word in an argument simply because we're the parents. That's very authoritarian to me and not how I role.

My DD13 is a really good kid. Very respectful and responsible. We either got lucky or are doing something right. Our style works for us but wouldn't for everyone.

 

[violetrose]

I'm pretty sure that if I had hit my dad in the face at 18, I wouldn't have made it to 19.

Uhh, yeah, gotta agree with that!

 

[violetrose]

I couldn't even IMAGINE saying a cuss word to my parents in my lifetime... Not even THINK IT.

I'm strictly old school in that department, also. The idea of striking a parent is alien to me. Something went wrong early in this relationship. Kids do act out but the idea of crossing that line is really incredible.

Right there with you, I'm old school too.

 

[Nancyg56]

It has nothing to do with my allowing my teen to behave in such away as to make me walk away. It has to do with me being more mature and knowing that if my child was getting so out of control as to be cursing at me than no good was going to come of the situation until she calmed down. Walking away would be a conscience decision.

I'm not big on DH or I getting the last word in an argument simply because we're the parents. That's very authoritarian to me and not how I role.

My DD13 is a really good kid. Very respectful and responsible. We either got lucky or are doing something right. Our style works for us but wouldn't for everyone.

I was blessed with good kids as well, but that was not just an accident of birth. They learned from me how they were going to behave towards me and DH. I don't think it is ever okay for a child to yell enough that I need to walk away. I think that is how I wanted to present this. I have been so angry that I walked away, but that was because I don't like to say things I need to take back. OR that I cannot take back. When i am ready to talk I come back. I believe that is different from allowing a kid to get so worked up that they are controlling how a discussion goes. When my kids were young they knew that kind of thing was not okay.

 

[Poohforyou]

I was blessed with good kids as well, but that was not just an accident of birth. They learned from me how they were going to behave towards me and DH. I don't think it is ever okay for a child to yell enough that I need to walk away. I think that is how I wanted to present this. I have been so angry that I walked away, but that was because I don't like to say things I need to take back. OR that I cannot take back. When i am ready to talk I come back. I believe that is different from allowing a kid to get so worked up that they are controlling how a discussion goes. When my kids were young they knew that kind of thing was not okay.

I think we're saying the same thing but coming at it from different angles. Whether I'm angry and choose to walk away or see my child is getting angry and choose to walk away is really the same thing in my mind. My child has every right to get angry with me. She doesn't have a right to get so out of control that she's cursing and hitting. If I were ever to see it getting to that point I'd choose to walk away to prevent her from doing something she would regret. That to me is just a no brainer.

IMO good kids are in part the luck of the draw. I think I'm a good parent and try to set a good example, establish boundaries/expectations etc. However, my daughter is a good kid in part because she was just born easy going and wanting to follow the rules.