Family Vent....

[SEA333]

Why are you letting yourself get so worked up over this?

Take your emotions about of it...think of this as a transaction, not as a personal affront.

You asked for the object, she said name your price (basically) - give her a price! I'd pay $10 and no more. If she doesn't take it, then go with plan B. You are not "out" anything....you never had it in the first place.

IMO, used baby clothes are worthless except to the next person who's baby will be wearing them. Your child cannot fit into them anymore, and most places/garage sales/etc won't pay but little more than pennies on the dollar for them so it's hardly worth the trouble. (If they are designer and worth more than pennies on the dollar, it is still on you, and not your sister's fault, for buying designer baby clothes that your child grows out of in a few months.) Either save them for Baby #2 or give them away. You never had a "deal" with your sister that she takes clothes so you deserve whatever you want of hers, so stop looking at it that way.

In the future, set your expectations beforehand: "You can take this bag of clothes for $25.00 if you like, otherwise, I'm selling them at the local consignment shop next week."

You not covering your bases with a sister that you know takes advantage is not going to change HER....it's just going to make you mad. Don't let her own your mind like that!

Good luck!

 

[rrehman]

I have no one here to vent too because the only people we see are family members so here goes!

Like every other mom of a toddler I have multiple bins of outgrown clothes. My sister comes over and goes through the bins and takes clothes for her son. I don't mind, and even encourage it because why buy clothes when you can just take these for free. Anything my son is done with is free reign for her. That's just how it's been.

Yesterday my sister is talking about a Rock and Play Sleeper that she has. She received it as a gift, used, from a coworker. She never used it and it's still in the bag she gave it to her in. She mentions she is wanting it out of her house. I say I may be interested. (When DS was born we lived in a small 1300 square foot one floor home. He always slept in his crib whenever he slept because there was no room anywhere else for a pack and play or any type of bassinet. And let's be honest, his room was 3 steps from anywhere else in the house. Now we live in a bigger 2 story home where our first floor is bigger than our whole house was. It would be nice to have a bassinet type thing for naps for the new baby.)

So she says sure, just give me some money and you can have it. WHAT?!?! I've given you any of my son's things that you've wanted and you want to charge me for this??

This is typical and really I shouldn't be surprised. My husband calls her the most thoughtless thoughtful person he knows. In one breath she is so thoughtful and the next she is so thoughtless.

I did say something along the lines of I let you take any of DS's stuff you want, anytime you want, and you want to charge me? To which she replies, I bought 95% of his clothes anyway, so I should get them back. While it is true, she did buy him clothes, it was nowhere near 95%.

I left just thinking I watch your son 5 days a week for less than daycare charges and I provide formula, bottles, diapers and now food and I don't charge when you're off during school vacations. I keep him late when you need me to, one night until 8pm, so you and your husband can get things done. I take him on weekends when you need me to, and this summer while she and my brother in law work at the Nascar track for a weekend we'll be toting him with us to my husband's company outing. All this and she scoffs when I need her to watch my son and tells me to ask my parents, to which her husband tells her not to be so rude and of course they'll take him.

I know people say when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And I have said many times she is not someone I would associate with if she wasn't my sister, but UGH! I was just so frustrated!

Thanks for listening!

Thats family, your stuck with them. You can always change friends, but family, your stuck wiht them.

 

[ilovefh]

Thats family, your stuck with them. You can always change friends, but family, your stuck wiht them.

Very true!

 

[worm761]

DH and I have already discussed what we'll say about Fridays. We decided to handle it on a week by week basis. While I don't mind watching him all week and honestly it works out nicely and I wouldn't want to watch other kids, I don't want to have to plan my Friday's around getting him by 5 and then staying around until BIL gets home between 5:30 and 6.

SHE should be the one changing her work schedule. Her child, her responsibility. What would happen if you moved? Who would pick her child up for her? She can do it but why would she when you are so willing to do it for her?

[QUOTE="ilovefh, post: 53742682, member: 42214"I do agree with DH though, it was easier to deal with her from 1,300 miles away.[/QUOTE]

This is why your DH wants to move. He most likely doesn't like watching you get walked all over and your feelings hurt.

 

[minkydog]

My problem is that we moved back to be near family. I know what it is like to raise a child on our own with no network. So I really appreciate the family aspect because we didn't have it. She has never lived 2 miles from my parents so she takes it for granted.

We've raised both of our children with no family nearby. We made it work, just like many other families do.

She takes it for granted because you let her. If you aren't willing to stand up for yourself, there is nothing anyone here can say to fix the situation.

I agree with this last statement. We have raised our 3 kids in a completely other state 400 miles from any family. Somehow we have managed to raise our kids and establish a non-family network on our own. We have very rarely had family come help us.

There are a couple sayings that I'd like to share with you: “You teach people how to treat you.” and “No one can take advantage of you. You allow it.” It looks to me like you are bending over backward to do everything this woman wants. Have you asked yourself why? to look like the family good guy? because you don't like confrontation? because you think she will change if you are nice enough to her? You must be receiving some benefit from it or you wouldn't be allowing her behavior to dictate your choices. You have taught her very well that you can be counted upon to be be a doormat. She can treat you any way she wants because there are no consequences for her.

I think you have to decide what you want to do. If you decide not to allow her to continue taking advantage, then be ready for the fallout, and it should be spectacular. Do you have the backbone for it? It's like handling a wayward child--don't even start if you can't hold your line. If you give in, even once, she will know immediately that you don't mean any of it and her behavior will continue and will in all likelihood get worse.

Best of luck to you.

 

[NewRVLady]

So unthoughtful-siblings SHARE things like this-not CHARGE for them!!!

 

[mtemm]

what about offering the next 10-20 outfits, or x overtime babysitting hours as an exchange? Barter whatever you feel it is worth...which will also let your sister know that expectations will flow both ways?

 

[MSLRAC]

Thats family, your stuck with them. You can always change friends, but family, your stuck wiht them.

I don't agree with that. DH has a very toxic family that we have cut most ties to and our lives have been so much less dramatic ever since. Being family doesn't give you free reign to be mean or hurtful or spiteful or whatever...at least not in my book.

 

[ilovefh]

Red below is mine because I wanted to address a few things.

I agree with this last statement. We have raised our 3 kids in a completely other state 400 miles from any family. Somehow we have managed to raise our kids and establish a non-family network on our own. We have very rarely had family come help us.

Is it weird to say we miss this? We had a great network that we could count on but because they were friends and not family it wasn't overwhelming like it is here. They helped when we needed them to, we helped when they needed us, but for the most part they let us raise our son and they raised their kids.

There are a couple sayings that I'd like to share with you: “You teach people how to treat you.” and “No one can take advantage of you. You allow it.” Very true!

It looks to me like you are bending over backward to do everything this woman wants. Have you asked yourself why? to look like the family good guy? because you don't like confrontation? because you think she will change if you are nice enough to her? You must be receiving some benefit from it or you wouldn't be allowing her behavior to dictate your choices. You have taught her very well that you can be counted upon to be be a doormat. She can treat you any way she wants because there are no consequences for her.

I don't get any benefit except I have this weird idea that family should help family. While I said above that I do miss being on our own and we are definitely working on moving back for that reason and many others, it is nice to have family around. I'm able to do a lot more here than I was there.

I think you have to decide what you want to do. If you decide not to allow her to continue taking advantage, then be ready for the fallout, and it should be spectacular. Do you have the backbone for it? It's like handling a wayward child--don't even start if you can't hold your line. If you give in, even once, she will know immediately that you don't mean any of it and her behavior will continue and will in all likelihood get worse.

Nope, I know I don't! Because it means tension with not only her, but my parents as well. They recognize they created a monster but by the time they tried to rectify it she was an adult. They just let her behavior go and we're all expected to do the same. When she cries in Disney at 29 years old because we aren't eating at her chosen restaurant we are all supposed to give in and go along with her. If you just ignore her or tell her to grow up then you become the bad guy.

I will say I did do it once! When I was 9 months pregnant, and I mean 39 weeks and 5 days and scheduled to be induced in 2 days she was badgering me to go to David's Bridal and look at bridesmaid dresses for her wedding that was more than a year away. She was awful about it. I finally told her that I had more important things to do that weekend, especially considering we weren't going to order dresses for another 4 months. She got mad, and I mean really mad. So I backed out of being in her wedding. I told her if she needed a maid of honor to go that specific weekend that she'd have to find a new one. To me, at that moment, getting last minute things done and enjoying our last two days as a couple was more important than looking at a dress I wouldn't order for another 4 months. She did eventually come crawling back and apologized.
Best of luck to you.

 

[ilovefh]

SHE should be the one changing her work schedule. Her child, her responsibility. What would happen if you moved? Who would pick her child up for her? She can do it but why would she when you are so willing to do it for her?

[QUOTE="ilovefh, post: 53742682, member: 42214"I do agree with DH though, it was easier to deal with her from 1,300 miles away.

This is why your DH wants to move. He most likely doesn't like watching you get walked all over and your feelings hurt.[/QUOTE]

That is a tricky question. My parents would probably do most of it, like my grandparents did for them. The problem lies in that their retirement is vastly different than my grandparents. They've rented a place in FL for the year and will be there for at least 2 weeks in the fall and 2-3 months in the winter. And any other little trips they want to take. Plus Fridays are their movie/dinner nights where they see a matinee and then go out for dinner.

BIL's father could help, but my sister is dead set against them watching my nephew. Why? No idea. Mostly because she like the control she has by saying no. I think they're great people. They're even great with my 4 year old! At nephews birthday dinner BIL's mom sat and played cars with my son. Oh yeah, and they raised two boys so they know what the're doing. But this is another issue all together.

 

[TaylorEar]

Thats family, your stuck with them. You can always change friends, but family, your stuck wiht them.

You are "stuck" with your family in terms of being related to them, but when you are an adult you definitely aren't stuck with having them in your life. That is a choice.

 

[bethy]

I've been there, done that with a lot of this. I am a lot like you, OP. My advice is that if you value your relationship with your sister then NOW is the time to start deciding what your personal boundaries are and owning them and abiding by them. Don't announce them to anyone, just consistently abide by them. You only have control over your own choices and you will never have control over hers. If you address these issues now then your longterm outcome in your relationship with her will be much better. If you don't address these issues now then chance are your resentment will continue to build and you will risk becoming estranged someday.

I disagree with previous posters that say to treat her like she treats you. That will just make things worse. And more importantly it would be harmful to you because it would not be authentic to who you are as a person.

Just decide what does and doesn't work for you and your family and stick by it. Firmly and with kindness.

 

[bethy]

Also, I have learned in life that you just cannot force someone to be "grateful". And that is quite possibly for the best. Don't be a martyr if you value your sanity.

 

[lovemygoofy]

OP, can I ask why are you so bent trying to have this Leave it to Beaver family life? You don't have it and that's okay. You make your family where you plant your feet.

You've written several times about moving not moving back to Florida. You obviously want to move. Sometimes families function better apart. That's certainly true for me. You can't force something that isn't there for your child. Focus on what is best for your core family and everything else will figure itself out.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I've been there, done that with a lot of this. I am a lot like you, OP. My advice is that if you value your relationship with your sister then NOW is the time to start deciding what your personal boundaries are and owning them and abiding by them. Don't announce them to anyone, just consistently abide by them. You only have control over your own choices and you will never have control over hers. If you address these issues now then your longterm outcome in your relationship with her will be much better. If you don't address these issues now then chance are your resentment will continue to build and you will risk becoming estranged someday.

I disagree with previous posters that say to treat her like she treats you. That will just make things worse. And more importantly it would be harmful to you because it would not be authentic to who you are as a person.

Just decide what does and doesn't work for you and your family and stick by it. Firmly and with kindness.

By treat her like she treats you, I meant stop feeling like you have to do things for her. Don't feel bad about saying no when she doesn't feel bad about saying no to you.

 

[aaarcher86]

Thats family, your stuck with them. You can always change friends, but family, your stuck wiht them.

Disagree.

Being blood related doesn't give people the right to treat me poorly or stay in my life.

 

[aaarcher86]

.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

That is a tricky question. My parents would probably do most of it, like my grandparents did for them. The problem lies in that their retirement is vastly different than my grandparents. They've rented a place in FL for the year and will be there for at least 2 weeks in the fall and 2-3 months in the winter. And any other little trips they want to take. Plus Fridays are their movie/dinner nights where they see a matinee and then go out for dinner.

BIL's father could help, but my sister is dead set against them watching my nephew. Why? No idea. Mostly because she like the control she has by saying no. I think they're great people. They're even great with my 4 year old! At nephews birthday dinner BIL's mom sat and played cars with my son. Oh yeah, and they raised two boys so they know what the're doing. But this is another issue all together.

Most daycare facilities are actually open until 6:00, with late fees applying after that, so the Fridays thing is kind of a moot point.

As for everything else, I'd honestly just start backing away from doing things for her. When she asks, if it's a little bit inconvenient for you, say no, you don't have to rearrange your life to suit her.

 

[tcufrog]

It's her problem if she doesn't want BIL's father to watch her problem not your's.

 

[ilovefh]

OP, can I ask why are you so bent trying to have this Leave it to Beaver family life? You don't have it and that's okay. You make your family where you plant your feet.

You've written several times about moving not moving back to Florida. You obviously want to move. Sometimes families function better apart. That's certainly true for me. You can't force something that isn't there for your child. Focus on what is best for your core family and everything else will figure itself out.

That's a great question. I guess it is just easier that way? The thing is, for me, this issue is all about me and reigning my feelings in. I still appreciate the relationship she has with my son, even if her stepping in all the time annoys me. The bottom line is that right now, to my nephew and my son, my sister and I are almost interchangeable. My problem is I really need to put my feelings aside because my son has a fantastic network right now. It's the same thing with my dad. He and my sister are virtually the same person. He doesn't listen at all! I told him I didn't want my son to have soda but at 10 months he gave him a soda cap of sprite. Did it annoy me? Of course, but it doesn't happen regularly and I need to overlook it because I'm not willing to ruin a relationship over food.

Most daycare facilities are actually open until 6:00, with late fees applying after that, so the Fridays thing is kind of a moot point.

As for everything else, I'd honestly just start backing away from doing things for her. When she asks, if it's a little bit inconvenient for you, say no, you don't have to rearrange your life to suit her.

Like I said above, I'm not worried about it because we already decided what we'll say about it. And you'd think that as someone who needs care until after 5:30 she would find some place that offers that, but she didn't. The place she chose is only open 7:30-5:00.