family feud- feel caught in the middle

[LuLuO]

Their relationship with your sister is their responsibility. Tell them, and her, to leave you out of it.

 

[MariDisney]

Tell them they are calling the wrong person. Sis's number is xxx-xxxx and that's who they should try and apologize to. And then I'd call Sis and let her know that you expect that she will take their call so they stop calling you. If she doesn't want any further contact, she needs to tell them that.

I would do exactly this and then thank them both in advance for no longer putting you in the middle. Then I would refuse to discuss either one with the other.

 

[Wishing on a star]

They should not be calling you like this and putting you in this position.

The fact that they are doing so would not be going over very well with me.

It would def. affect my views on them and their role in these situations.

What would I do...
"You need to be speaking to her, not to me..."
"I am not going to get involved in this and solve it for you.."

And, if they failed to respect that, and said one further word, that would definitely affect my relationship with them.

 

[Pixie Dust for Me!]

So here is my advice. Call both, inform them that you are officially Switzerland...completely neutral and will not tell one or the other anything about each other...NOR will you discuss it further.

You could do this by getting both on the phone at the same time....or by telling each individually.

Then, and this is the most important part of all, IF either should ask say precisely nothing! You may have to repeat the mantra, I am Switzerland (or my fav....Sgt. Shultz from Hogan's Hero's....I know nothing....absolutely nothing!)

Good luck OP!

Karen

 

[dmdelight]

there definitely is a theme here from all your words of wisdom.

I need to stick to the broken record approach, and hopefully manage to remove myself from the middle.
fingers crossed,not had any further calls today, so happy right now.
it was really getting to me earlier.

 

[dmdelight]

just a little update- spoke to my dad, sis not mentioned nor were their endless calls!

told ds,aunty has had falling out with grandparents and won't be joining in holiday celebrations.
after a little while,he said we're the calm ones aren't we,we are like free from drama and they're like volcanoes waiting to erupt!
so that's a 15 year olds perspective.

 

[manning]

As Sgt Schultz used to say

"I see nothing, I hear nothing, I know nothing"

 

[dmdelight]

As Sgt Schultz used to say

"I see nothing, I hear nothing, I know nothing"

I like it.

 

[Disney Doll]

Mystery Machine is wise...listen to her.

Your response to either party who tries to put you in the middle is "If you have a question or something to discuss, you need to discuss it with Mom/Dad or Sis" (depending on who you are speaking to at the time).

About the only other thing I might say to my sister would be "Be quite sure that you are comfortable with your decision to cut them out of your life because if something happens to one of them, you will have to live with that decision". That is not manipulative, that is advice.

It may be that she has considered it & determined that the risk of post-mortem guilt is worth the benefit of no aggravation now.

Or it may be that she has never considered that, in which case I would be giving her food for thought.

And then I would say no more.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for the boost of confidence. We had to get this down to a science with my mom.

Basically what you are doing is picking a fight with your mom/dad. However instead of arguing about "the situation" instead you change the argument to "YOU NEED TO PICK UP THE PHONE NOW". Works everytime for me.

You know what will happen? They will start arguing with you or defending themselves against you.

Frankly I find it hilarious that it works that way.

My mom will complain my dad is XYZ, well now I just go straight for the juglar. I say...."I don't know how you stay married to him. I could never do that".

Guess what happens? She starts defending him. Then I say OK and the "complain fest" is done.

As a result of my broken record, she does not complain as much, because she knows what I am going to say.

I hate to say you have to "train them" but it is pretty much how it is.

My sister does about the same thing but she does not have the stomach for what I say.

Of course that does not mean I do not help her with legitimate stuff. And believe me they have money issues so we are always in their business. However you have to make a line in the sand for yourself. AKA, put your boundary in place where you need it. That is really the bottom line.

Create your boundary line and stick to it. It may take a very long while for it to work but it makes your life happier. I mean, I really do not need to hear how my father is spending your life away for the 7000th time. We know it and it ticks us off to say the least.

 

[dmdelight]

Thanks for the boost of confidence. We had to get this down to a science with my mom.

Basically what you are doing is picking a fight with your mom/dad. However instead of arguing about "the situation" instead you change the argument to "YOU NEED TO PICK UP THE PHONE NOW". Works everytime for me.

You know what will happen? They will start arguing with you or defending themselves against you.

Frankly I find it hilarious that it works that way.

My mom will complain my dad is XYZ, well now I just go straight for the juglar. I say...."I don't know how you stay married to him. I could never do that".

Guess what happens? She starts defending him. Then I say OK and the "complain fest" is done.

As a result of my broken record, she does not complain as much, because she knows what I am going to say.

I hate to say you have to "train them" but it is pretty much how it is.

My sister does about the same thing but she does not have the stomach for what I say.

Of course that does not mean I do not help her with legitimate stuff. And believe me they have money issues so we are always in their business. However you have to make a line in the sand for yourself. AKA, put your boundary in place where you need it. That is really the bottom line.

Create your boundary line and stick to it. It may take a very long while for it to work but it makes your life happier. I mean, I really do not need to hear how my father is spending your life away for the 7000th time. We know it and it ticks us off to say the least.

had a very brief conversation with parents earlier,dad told me mom was upset, but then she apparently felt ok to go to the mall?!
asked sis to our house to swap presents,as she doesn't want to come tomorrow in case she sees parents.however, she said she's busy during the Times it's convenient for us,so don't know what's happening there.

I truly appreciate all the advice,I've never asked "strangers" for help before, but I was feeling really low.
and as one pp said, they were all sucking the life out of me,but feeling stronger and sticking to my guns.

got dinner tonight,then lunch tomorrow to get through,hopefully no fireworks. .