Ever heard of an "UN-Hitching Party"?

[disykat]

Where are you getting your information from? Are you a child psychologist? So every kid that is from a divorced family is now damanged goods?

You really think that staying together for the sake of the kids is a good idea? Your right it didn't hurt us psychologically at all. Maybe you need to talk to the multitude of therapists that all three of us went to from the time we were 16 until present day. I would have liked to have had you live in our home for a week and see if it would change your mind.

You quoted the post, yet you didn't read it? Where are you getting "every" from "many" and "most?"

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

Believe it or not many studies of divorced children vs children from homes where parents fight/cheat/treat each other poorly (as long as it isn't abuse) show that a broken home is far worse for children than when the parents stay together and are not happy. I did research on this in college.

Not a popular answer, but it is true. Just because it didn't happen for you, doesn't mean that it isn't true. So yes, staying together for the kids is better. You would be completely shocked with how much a child can go through when parents split. It's even better for children who lose a parent to death than it is for divorce.

So you think a child who has to bury their head in a pillow every night just so that they don't hear their parents fight is better than the parents divorcing, the parents then get along better and be alot happier around the children? I think that you should have done ALOT more research!!! My life was much better when my parents divorced. What kind of role model are you for your child letting them think your spouse can yell, and treat you like dirt? Do you know what kind of damage it causes when you listen to your mother call your father names like "useless" "stupid". Children are products of their parents and it does tremendous damage to a child's self esteem. My life was so much better when my parents divorced. I wish that they would have done it alot sooner. I saw both parents everyday, it was wonderful because my dad wanted to be with me because HE wanted to, not because my mother made him. They ended up becoming friends. Both are remarried and we celebrate all family functions together. I cant imagine what kind of life i would have now if i had that for all my years at home.

I would NEVER want my children to stay in a marriage just because they have children. It really doesn't benefit anyone. Your children know what is going on. Do you want to be that kind of role model. Do you always want to be unhappy around your children and they can tell. They can see the circles under your eyes. They are not dumb.
Unfortunatley some families have bad custody fights and that is the part that is much worse, but pretending to be happy, what kind of life is that for everyone including your children. Doesn't everyone just want therir children to be happy when they grow up. Staying in an unhappy marriage doesn't set a good example. A son seeing their father beat up their mother. Well children learn their behavior from their parents. Staying only teaches a person that they should stay and take the abuse. It also teaches a son that its ok to treat women like that. Same for girls. Do you really think that's the right message?

Unless you have been through it either as a child or have been divorced yourself, no research can tell you what it's real affect is.

 

[DisneyWorldOct08]

Who wants to celebrate a divorce?

I sure did when I had my horrendous joke of a marriage annulled after 3 months (which lead to over a year of fighting with his lawyer and losing a ton of my money). Also, people whose spouses cheated or hit them should celebrate regaining their dignity and freedom from a complete loser who did not respect them.

You aren't celebrating the divorce. You are celebrating that you had the strength to leave or to get through a horrible ordeal.

I don't have or particularly want kids, but you better believe if I had a little girl and my husband cheated on me or abused me in any way, I'd leave him and I'd want my daughter to see that that sort of thing is not something any strong woman with self respect tolerates from a man.

 

[mickeyfan2]

So you think a child who has to bury their head in a pillow every night just so that they don't hear their parents fight is better than the parents divorcing, the parents then get along better and be alot happier around the children? I think that you should have done ALOT more research!!! My life was much better when my parents divorced. What kind of role model are you for your child letting them think your spouse can yell, and treat you like dirt? Do you know what kind of damage it causes when you listen to your mother call your father names like "useless" "stupid". Children are products of their parents and it does tremendous damage to a child's self esteem. My life was so much better when my parents divorced. I wish that they would have done it alot sooner. I saw both parents everyday, it was wonderful because my dad wanted to be with me because HE wanted to, not because my mother made him. They ended up becoming friends. Both are remarried and we celebrate all family functions together. I cant imagine what kind of life i would have now if i had that for all my years at home.

I would NEVER want my children to stay in a marriage just because they have children. It really doesn't benefit anyone. Your children know what is going on. Do you want to be that kind of role model. Do you always want to be unhappy around your children and they can tell. They can see the circles under your eyes. They are not dumb.
Unfortunatley some families have bad custody fights and that is the part that is much worse, but pretending to be happy, what kind of life is that for everyone including your children. Doesn't everyone just want therir children to be happy when they grow up. Staying in an unhappy marriage doesn't set a good example. A son seeing their father beat up their mother. Well children learn their behavior from their parents. Staying only teaches a person that they should stay and take the abuse. It also teaches a son that its ok to treat women like that. Same for girls. Do you really think that's the right message?

Unless you have been through it either as a child or have been divorced yourself, no research can tell you what it's real affect is.

Bold - I see that far more often in children of divorce. Do you really think most marriages end with the parents becoming friends?

I know of no divorce where that happened. And yes the kids heard how useless their other parent is.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Staying in an unhappy marriage doesn't set a good example. A son seeing their father beat up their mother. Well children learn their behavior from their parents. Staying only teaches a person that they should stay and take the abuse. It also teaches a son that its ok to treat women like that. Same for girls. Do you really think that's the right message?

Unless you have been through it either as a child or have been divorced yourself, no research can tell you what it's real affect is.

Did you READ her post?

My folks divorced when I was young. (i'm assuming that QUALIFIES me to have an opinion... )I've no clue what my life would have been had they not. My dad was an alcoholic. The thing that would have been BEST for our family would have been for my parents to get treatment, and learn to deal with each other. If anyone would have cared what would have been BEST FOR THE KIDS, I suspect that would have been it.

As it was, we had a happy life with my mom. She is an awesome parent, and I am grateful for her. Because of the divorce, I barely knew my dad until I was an adult. I love him, too, but I missed out on lots of good there, too.

Far too many people don't care what is best for a family, or even best for a kid, but best for themselves. Commitment and persevering and unselfishness should also be a part of our example.

 

[helenabear]

So you think a child who has to bury their head in a pillow every night just so that they don't hear their parents fight is better than the parents divorcing, the parents then get along better and be alot happier around the children? I think that you should have done ALOT more research!!! My life was much better when my parents divorced. What kind of role model are you for your child letting them think your spouse can yell, and treat you like dirt? Do you know what kind of damage it causes when you listen to your mother call your father names like "useless" "stupid". Children are products of their parents and it does tremendous damage to a child's self esteem. My life was so much better when my parents divorced. I wish that they would have done it alot sooner. I saw both parents everyday, it was wonderful because my dad wanted to be with me because HE wanted to, not because my mother made him. They ended up becoming friends. Both are remarried and we celebrate all family functions together. I cant imagine what kind of life i would have now if i had that for all my years at home.

I would NEVER want my children to stay in a marriage just because they have children. It really doesn't benefit anyone. Your children know what is going on. Do you want to be that kind of role model. Do you always want to be unhappy around your children and they can tell. They can see the circles under your eyes. They are not dumb.
Unfortunatley some families have bad custody fights and that is the part that is much worse, but pretending to be happy, what kind of life is that for everyone including your children. Doesn't everyone just want therir children to be happy when they grow up. Staying in an unhappy marriage doesn't set a good example. A son seeing their father beat up their mother. Well children learn their behavior from their parents. Staying only teaches a person that they should stay and take the abuse. It also teaches a son that its ok to treat women like that. Same for girls. Do you really think that's the right message?

Unless you have been through it either as a child or have been divorced yourself, no research can tell you what it's real affect is.

Look, I was interested in these studies done by psychologists as I went through school. I almost became a family councelor but honestly 1) couldn't find jobs and 2) was put off by the teeny salary offered by the only firm who had a position open. So please do NOT attack me! I did not do the studies nor did I do the results. Though it is typical of people to attack me for it when I type it

I got interested in this after losing my parent when I was 16. I also came from a family where yes, I did hide my face in the pillow because they fought so much. My family life wasn't ideal, but in the end my parents truly loved each other. Believe it or not the fighting I saw and then seeing my dad's reaction after her death showed me a lot about the character of my parents. Fighting doesn't mean they didn't love. It just meant they fought. I am not traumatized by any of the major arguments I hear that I swore would leave to divorce.

That said... if you actually read my post, the TYPICAL reaction to a parental loss is actually EASIER on the child than the TYPICAL reaction to divorce.

Don't shoot the messenger If you like, I can go up to my research books and find sources to back these findings. It would take me a while since I am usually busy with my baby (he's sleeping currently)

 

[meandtheguys2]

Still thinking...A divorce is a loss for a child. Whether it is a loss of something good or the idea of something good, it doesn't really matter. It is like working with kids that are abused. Most do not want to be taken from the home, even thought the home is a skanky pit and they've been abused daily there. My clientel before the spoiled college kids.

I've wrestled a mom away from strangling her son and then had to hold the son back from running to her while we were trying to get him to safety. Children of divorce oftentimes deal with a similar reaction. They want a mom and a dad together that love them. Dream life. So, even if life isn't quite a dream, a divorce strips away the possibility. It also removes one parent from their life during any given time period. Unless the parents are gems among gems, birthday parties, vacations, etc., involve a memory of only a single parent.

To those who took such offense, my apologies. I believe firmly what I said, but I didn't mean it in a way to offend. The concept of bringing children into a situation like this get-together offends me at my depths. What adults do among themselves, and their ending of a relationship is their business. But no part of me p-sychologist or not thinks it is anything but cruel for the children.

eta: By ruination, I did not mean their lives were ruined forever...but that is how it seems when grieving as (nearly) all children do when dealing with a current divorce in the family. Perhaps this is why my statement offended, EG? At the lowest, long term studies show about 25% of kids of divorce have long lasting issues relating to. The other major study had a higher percentage.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I think it's pretty tacky to make light of marriage/divorce like that. I would almost think it's funny if there weren't children involved, but I think the message it sends to them is that the dissolution of the marriage is a great thing. While that may be so as far as the adults are concerned, it's not the vibes a children should feel. We're in the early stages of figuring out a separation and are trying very hard to make this as easy on our children as possible, with each of us in counseling and a counselor lined up for the kids if they need it. It's really nothing to joke around about in my opinion.

 

[bluesaturn]

Look, I was interested in these studies done by psychologists as I went through school. I almost became a family councelor but honestly 1) couldn't find jobs and 2) was put off by the teeny salary offered by the only firm who had a position open. So please do NOT attack me! I did not do the studies nor did I do the results. Though it is typical of people to attack me for it when I type it

I got interested in this after losing my parent when I was 16. I also came from a family where yes, I did hide my face in the pillow because they fought so much. My family life wasn't ideal, but in the end my parents truly loved each other. Believe it or not the fighting I saw and then seeing my dad's reaction after her death showed me a lot about the character of my parents. Fighting doesn't mean they didn't love. It just meant they fought. I am not traumatized by any of the major arguments I hear that I swore would leave to divorce.

That said... if you actually read my post, the TYPICAL reaction to a parental loss is actually EASIER on the child than the TYPICAL reaction to divorce.

Don't shoot the messenger If you like, I can go up to my research books and find sources to back these findings. It would take me a while since I am usually busy with my baby (he's sleeping currently)

You should post some studies. I've read about this in various child development/psychology classes also.

 

[bluesaturn]

To me, the comment below *is* saying that. The poster is assuming that this divorce will be disasterous for the children. As you just said yourself, every kid is affected differently. That's not what this sounds like.

I agree the "ruination of their young lives" is a pretty unnecessary way to put it.

 

[disneydreamin247]

My friend is having a divorce party. She is celebrating her freedom. If it makes her happy, I don't see a problem with it.

 

[Cool-Beans]

Will they be returning all the wedding gifts? Seems appropriate since they are making such an official to-do out of it.

It sounds like they're trying to make the best of a bad situation. I hope it works out for them.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think it's tacky. I wouldn't want my children to ever think I celebrated the end of our family, the way it was intended. Even if it is for the greater good of everyone involved, the failure of promises isn't something I would celebrate.

To each their own, but I think I would pass on an invite like that.

 

[ShesAPirate]

Then you are in the minortiy. The majority of children have tremendous issues with the divorce of their parents, and the parent's choices after divorce.

Most would prefer their families remain whole, even when they ARE miserable.

I couldn't disagree more. I think saying "most" is really an over-statement. Do you really think having two miserable parents who can't stand each other, and are only staying together for the kids is a nice environment in which to grow up? You don't think that warps their sense of how relationships should be? Kids are smart, and they sense tension - they know when their parents aren't happy. I'd rather have my parents apart than have to walk on eggshells, waiting for the next fight to start...

*Just read more posts above. Standing by what I said, but I'm aware that it's redundant, since it's all pretty much been said already.

 

[Stacerita]

Very strange. I wouldn't go. The whole thing is just too odd for me.

 

[Papa Deuce]

Beats the heck out of a Placenta Party, if you ask me....

 

[disneydreamin247]

Beats the heck out of a Placenta Party, if you ask me....

Absolutely!

 

[olena]

I've read about these parties. Black attire and black roses, etc. Tiny coffins for symbolically burying wedding rings are also gaining popularity. It's odd for sure, but many who have them often feel it is a symbolic step towards the rest of their lives. To each his own, I guess...

 

[froggygrrrl]

I have no problem with a celebration when a divorce is finalized. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be surrounded by your family and friends after a difficult decision is made/carried out. BUT, I think it is tacky to send pseudo-wedding (bizarro?) invitations and include the ex-spouse and childrens' names.

 

[Mommy2cody]

So yes, staying together for the kids is better. You would be completely shocked with how much a child can go through when parents split. It's even better for children who lose a parent to death than it is for divorce.

My husbands parents "stayed together for the kids". They were constantly fighting and arguing, totally ignoring each other. Right after my husband turned 18 (He is the baby of the family) his parents announced they were getting a divorce. My husband has had a terrible time dealing with it. He flipped and developed some issues about his parents. He felt them staying together was lying. (His mother told him they had planned to stay together until he was 18) My parents divorced when I was 2. I never knew any better. Lived with mom during the week and dad on the weekends. My whole childhood. For me it was "normal". No fighting or yelling, in fact my parents got along. To this day I couldn't even imagine in my wildest dreams my parents being together. I think it has to do with the dynamics of the family. There is no "right" answer. People should do what works best for their families. At least try to for the childrens sake.