Etiquette

[NFLDERS]

Received a Bridal Shower Invitation. However, not a Wedding Invitation. I have been told not all shower guests are invited to the Wedding. Apparently, the Wedding is small.

Is this common today. I've not heard of this before. What is proper etiquette
In this situation?

 

[MinnieForMe]

That's totally rude in my opinion. I was raised to believe that if you are invited to the shower, you are invited to the wedding. So, what they are saying is you're important enough to give us a gift but not important enough to attend our wedding. Now, I wouldn't feel this way if it was a destination wedding and they knew it would be financially impossible for guests to attend.

 

[mcbj]

Tacky...

 

[DisneyGal24]

They wouldn't be getting a gift from me then!

 

[Mama Who]

Received a Bridal Shower Invitation. However, not a Wedding Invitation. I have been told not all shower guests are invited to the Wedding. Apparently, the Wedding is small.

Is this common today. I've not heard of this before. What is proper etiquette
In this situation?

Proper etiquette is already out the window. Your hostess has failed. You can go or not, but do resist the urge to give the bride to be a book by Miss Manners as a gift.

 

[usd2bmd]

Proper etiquette is to not invite people to a shower if you have no intention of inviting them to the wedding.

I would stay home!!

 

[cheriemek]

I think the only exception to the "get invited to the shower get invited to the wedding" rule is work. Several times girls at work have gotten together to throw a small party for a co-worker getting married when none of us were going to be invited to the wedding. It's usually a much more casual affair with less expensive gifts being brought - but if you work with fun people, usually more fun!

 

[My3Princez]

It may not be classic good etiquette, but it's really up to you. If the bride-to-be is a person you care about who is having a small wedding due to financial or emotional reasons, but she still wants to celebrate with you - then enjoy the shower!
If on the other hand you really think it is just a greedy way to get more gifts, well then by all means skip it!
But then, I'm not a "give equal to what you get" kind of person. I just give what I want to - or don't - as I see fit, and can afford.

 

[writersblock42]

As said, the only exception is a work party where the general rule is that a certain amount is given for a marriage. Other than that totally rude. We actually skipped out on doing a shower for my sister and instead did massages.

 

[MaryKLady]

Is it possible you didn't receive the wedding invite by accident like it was lost in the mail or something else? I can't believe you would get one for the shower and not the wedding. Maybe the wedding invites didn't go out yet?

I would call/email the bride and ask, it can't hurt to ask. Then make a decision. But I agree with the other posters. No invite to the wedding and I'm not going to the shower.

 

[usd2bmd]

I think the only exception to the "get invited to the shower get invited to the wedding" rule is work. Several times girls at work have gotten together to throw a small party for a co-worker getting married when none of us were going to be invited to the wedding. It's usually a much more casual affair with less expensive gifts being brought - but if you work with fun people, usually more fun!

But I think the difference here is you are choosing to throw the little party... I think inviting someone to a shower knowing you won't invite them to the wedding is similar to saying, "hey I'm getting married, can you buy me a present?"

Who does that?

 

[okeydokey]

I would not be able to attend that shower. I maybe would send a card, no gift.

Very tacky.

 

[ilovemk76]

I always heard that rule was only for the "official" bridal shower.

 

[LovesTimone]

In todays times and economic issues, maybe a small wedding is all they could afford or wanted, which means a limited number of guest, maybe only immediate family. A shower is normally given by the maid or matron of honor, or a close family member, Maybe the hostess is trying to give her all the trimming, so she is not missing out on any of the wedding traditions.

There are all types of showers, casual, teas, family, friends, co-worker, girl-friends along the lines of a bachelorette party.

How close are you to the Bride and Groom? I have been invited to a shower and not the wedding, I knew there were some money issue and health issue with one of the parents of the bride and groom. I went and had a good time, I was there to support my friend the Bride, and wish her well.

 

[Burnedout]

If they are really just having a small wedding I'd most definitely go to the shower to have a chance to celebrate. I don't see how one is connected to the other. I don't see my gift as a buy in for the wedding.

There could be a lot of reasons for a small wedding. Finances, Family issues, or a health problem.

Lol, people are all too eager to connect their gift to other invites. And too eager to look for a reason to cheap out. That is far tackier in my book.

 

[burnurcomputer]

Another reason for being excluded could be religious. Some denominations and religions do not allow non participants of the faith to attend religious ceremonies.

If I cared about the couple I would go, but it is not okay to invite to a person to a shower and not the wedding, unless there are other circumstances that you hopefully would be aware of.

 

[descovy]

I guess the real question is who is hosting the party? Who sent the invitation?

The bride isn't (or shouldn't be) hosting the shower. I would take cues from the shower hostess before getting offended.

Is the hostess a family member, co-worker, bunco friend, etc? I have attended many bridal/baby showers simply by being in the same "circle" as the hostess and bride. For example, I wouldn't expect to be invited to a co-worker's wedding, but yes, sometimes it is fun to have a shower for your co-worker.

When I got married, dh and I chose to be married in our hometown, 350 mi from where we were currently living. I had no say in the matter, but a lady I worked with (McDonalds) put together a simple bridal shower for me. Do you really think I was going to invite my McDonalds co workers to a wedding 350 miles away? No, but it was fun for us ladies to get together.

The shower invite is just an invite to a celebration, not a summons. You are not required to go or send a gift. Choose to be offended or not. But the only etiquette in question in this situation is to RSVP or send your regrets. It is not tasteful to question the etiquette of the bride.

 

[LockShockBarrel]

I can't really look at this as an proper etiquette question because it seems that there's no such thing anymore. What I would say is it just depends on the couple.

A ex friend of mine had a big shower and a decent sized wedding. Certain friends were invited to the shower that weren't invited to the wedding and vice versa. The shower was "hosted" by her in laws but they really had no say in what went on, it was just held at their house. Knowing this friend I can tell you it absolutely just a way to get more loot and frankly she complained the people bought her gifts rather than giving cash.

In another instance when my cousin got married, we got an invitation to the shower but we live in NY and they are in NC so they knew we wouldn't come, it was just a courtesy invitation. We did go to the wedding and we gave them their gifts at what served as a half rehearsal dinner/half family reunion as so many of us came from out of state.

Like someone else said, if it was a group that was throwing a shower like work friends or something like that where they aren't close friends that would generally be invited to a wedding, I can understand being invited to the shower but not the wedding.

If it's a small wedding, I'd think the classier way to go would be to forgo the shower and have the small wedding then have a casual reception where the larger group of people are invited. Shower implies "I expect something" where I don't think a casual reception does. Another cousin had a small wedding in another state with only very close family invited, but as most of the family was up here in NY, a few months later they came up here and had a large casual reception so we could all celebrate together.

So really, there's any number of ways people go about it now but you know the couple. You should do what you feel comfortable with and you would know better than any of us if you thought they were just scamming for gifts or not.

 

[LockShockBarrel]

Sorry for the double post but I forgot to mention that the ex friend was angry those who were invited to the shower AND wedding didn't bring shower gifts then also give a wedding gift.

 

[powellrj]

I wouldn't worry about the etiquette and go if you want to or stay home if you don't. I have been invited to showers that I wasn't invited to the wedding, in fact, just last month I was invited to a shower for a friend whose DS was getting married and most of us weren't invited to the wedding because it was several hours away. I already had plans, but I did send a gift.