Do you get upset when your kid doesn't get invited to a birthday party?

[emma'smom]

We're having dd5's party tomorrow and the guest list was really hard... We've got 18 kids coming and we had to pick a venue to accommodate this. The thing is, the list could have been longer, but we had to cut it off somewhere.

She's invited about half of her class (invites sent in U.S. mail and she was instructed not to talk about the party at school)---but not everyone (not even all the girls). She picked the ones she spends the most time with. Now one of child has an older sibling in the same class (multiage). So we invited both of them since they are both in her class.

Then their are "neighborhood" friends and for these, we also invited the older sibling since they all play together......

Then there are the "after-school care" friends....

I felt bad "cutting" the list---but the venue had its limited (and so does my budget).

Also, think about whether or not you have invited the birthday child to your child's parties. If so, I guess I might be a little offended (but still, there are no laws that require a quid quo pro invite).

Also, sometimes we reciprocate invites with a different party (not a birthday party) at a different time during the year (like a kid's holiday party).

 

[brymolmom]

I have been upset - but know I shouldn't be and that it's best for my kids.

First of all ds7 has some social issues...and I'm just hopeful that he will be invited to ONE birthday party. He hasn't been except for neighbors. So I will be very happy and grateful if he gets one.

I know, though, that it is OK if he doesn't. No way do I expect people to invite all 23 kids in his class. And, honestly, no way do I want my kids wanting/expecting a 23 kid birthday party every year (or every other). That many gifts alone would be ridiculous. A child does not need more than a 2 - 5 gifts for a birthday so I would never want to do this for this reason alone. Talk about teaching kids to expect a LOT for their birthdays.

So, yes, I do get sad...But, truly - like other posters have said teaching my kids that they are not the center of the universe...that they won't get invited to everything...and that they are OK in spite of it is a good thing. So it is a double edged sword.

 

[taximomfor4]

I have been upset - but know I shouldn't be and that it's best for my kids.

First of all ds7 has some social issues...and I'm just hopeful that he will be invited to ONE birthday party. He hasn't been except for neighbors. So I will be very happy and grateful if he gets one.

I know, though, that it is OK if he doesn't. No way do I expect people to invite all 23 kids in his class. And, honestly, no way do I want my kids wanting/expecting a 23 kid birthday party every year (or every other). That many gifts alone would be ridiculous. A child does not need more than a 2 - 5 gifts for a birthday so I would never want to do this for this reason alone. Talk about teaching kids to expect a LOT for their birthdays.

So, yes, I do get sad...But, truly - like other posters have said teaching my kids that they are not the center of the universe...that they won't get invited to everything...and that they are OK in spite of it is a good thing. So it is a double edged sword.

Awwww, try not to feel bad. My youngest and oldest were both not terribly social. Both only got invited to about 1-2 parties per year, and those were the kids they were closest to. DD7 has 1 girl she talks on the phone with almost every day, and they sit together at lunch most of the time. She always gets invited to THAT party. It isn't reciprocated, however, because dd chooses a gift from us instead of a party (although she says maybe NEXT year she will choose a party). My ds is very different, and gets invited to lots of parties. We ask him to pick and choose, not necessarily attend every single one but to say thanks for the invitations.

 

[stuffedw/fluff]

We are having a joint birthday party tomorrow for DSs 6 and (turning) 5. Their birthdays are in January and March and they both wanted a bowling party so we split the difference and are having one party in Feb. I let each of them invite 4 friends from their classes and then they invited 6 more mutual friends from the neighborhood/family. There is no way we could afford to invite all of the children (or even all of the boys) from their classes. So they picked the boys they are closest to.

So my advice to you would be to not worry about it. I'm sure there is a similar reason why your daughter wasn't invited and it is not a big deal.

 

[luvsJack]

To get around the inviting everyone thing we just call the friends that dd wants to invite; but if she was to take invitations to school it would be all of her class (not her grade, but her homeroom class).

I don't get upset if she doesn't get invited to a party, I never have but I don't like the idea of leaving someone out. There are a few kids in her class that never get invitied to parties and I just couldn't stand the thought of the look on their faces if she handed out invitations and they didn't get one, even though she is not friends with these kids. (she can't either so we always ended up inviting everyone anyway)

 

[Camno's Mama]

OP...you are not an idiot at all.

We can't help how we feel, only how we act. I feel that gut wrenching feeling every time I can tell my sons are disappointed by something in school, friends, extended family, whatever. I don't let him know it because I know that it's part of life to be disappointed. If I let them know how I felt inside, they would probably be pretty neurotic!

I felt the same way whenever my brothers had really big disappointments growing up.

It's part of loving someone, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

[TheRatPack]

Yea, I hate to read on FB or Twitter about a birthday party or other gathering that we weren't invited to....makes you feel kind of left out. But what can ya do.....we try to treat people the way we want to be treated and we invite them to our parties....that's all we can do.

 

[MissyDVC]

I would feel the same way, not because I think my kids should get it all but because I would wonder about the reason. Yes, we would all get over it and it isn't the end of the world (which the OP obviously knows), but I would definitely be disappointed and left wondering why.

 

[KirstenB]

Of course I do!! Know just how you feel OP.

 

[princessmom29]

We always invite the whole class, and just about everyone does the same. There are 16 in DD's class at a mid sized private school. Typical parties are a jump place CEC, bowling, skating. The girls like libby lu type parties, and we have been to several farm parties with pony rides ect. Most parents spend about $200-$300. I would be hurt if everyone were invited except my child, but not if it was a limited # of children. It would only bother me then if DD was very close with the child in question, like a best friend.

 

[lecach]

DS is in daycare. Last year I was picking him up and several kids were opening up invitations to a party that were in their cubbies. DS didnt get one. He knew that they were party invites and that he didnt get one. He looked pitiful. I told him that not everyone gets invited to every party and he seemed okay about it. But it really really made me feel bad. If they were not inviting every child then they shouldnt have given out the invites that way. We all receive the class directory with parents email and mailing addresses.

So when DS asked to have a party at home for his 5th birthday in December, we invited the entire class of 11. I figured they wouldnt all come since we live in a different city than everyone else. But darn if almost all of them came - and three brought siblings too. The child who had not invited DS to his party didnt come to ours either - but a few weeks later the Mom emailed and said she had just found the invite in her car and wanted to appologize for not RSVP'ing.

I know what you're saying. Rationally we know that not every child will get invited to every party. But when it's your child that is left out it really hurts.

 

[kim_o]

If it was a party DS wanted to go to but wasn't invited, I would feel upset/hurt for him. If it was a big party that everyone in his class was invited, except him, then I'd also have negative feelings. Or if it was someone he considered a close friend and played with a bunch, either at school or out of school, then I'd also feel badly. However, just a normal sized party of a kid he goes to school with, it wouldn't bother me.

That being said, when DS has parties, I specifically ask who he wants to invite. I haven't ever put a limit on it, but DS tends to request around 10-12 specific kids (and I always include siblings). Since I only invite the people he requests, I've never invited the whole class. I didn't mean to be offensive, but it was just the way my mother didn't parties when I was younger. I didn't have whole class parties, just who I wanted there. Now I feel badly if I unintentionally hurt someone's feelings in his class, especially since we don't have school directories, and invitations are always put in the cubbies.

 

[tink&stitchsmom]

I think that stuff bugs me more that it bothers DD. I think I worry about her fitting in and having friends. Even though she has friends. I don't like the thought of her feeling left out.

 

[~Kristina~]

I don't, but it really makes me mad when the invitations are passed out at school and she sees the kids getting the invites, but doesn't get invited. If you're only inviting some of the kids at school, try to mail them, or pass them out more descretely.

 

[pacrosby]

wow....this thread is killin' me LOL

Obviously to each their own but.........................

I would never consider inviting the entire class. And quite frankly, it bugs me to death when I have to buy a present for a child that is really no more than an acquaintenance of my child (never mind the quandry 'what do you get a child you don't even know'). I'm sorry but I really do have a problem with birthday parties for 20. What little child really needs 20 more presents Even the so-called 'experts' recommend a guest list that is equal to the child's age. Allows for a more intimate experience with true friends rather than a free for all.................recess/P.E. (aka chaos) with cake.

My kids are 9, 8, 7 and 4. Up until they are in school parties consist of immediate family only. Once they are in school they invite 6 or 7 "FRIENDS" and we plan old-fashioned parties with crafts and games and a home-made cake. I don't care where other people have their parties...................in fact if everyone else is having theirs at the inflatable place down the street that's all the more reason to do something different; to do something special. Who wants their party to be like everyone elses????

It's become a crazy world. I know parents mean well but I think they are missing the big picture.

Party on people

 

[luvsJack]

DS is in daycare. Last year I was picking him up and several kids were opening up invitations to a party that were in their cubbies. DS didnt get one. He knew that they were party invites and that he didnt get one. He looked pitiful. .

The above quote is EXACTLY why classrooms, schools and/or daycares have the "all or none" rule. Imagine at least one child with that look on their face 15 or more times per year.

If someone doesn't want to invite everyone, they don't have to; but they shouldn't send the invitations to school either.

When we have invited an entire class (which we have stopped doing, we just don't send the invitations to school) we have not done so for dd to get more gifts, but so that she could celebrate with her classmates. It wasn't about gifts but about including everyone.

 

[ShannonMB]

I have pretty much had it with the whole kid birthday party situation. We've done it all different ways, including inviting the whole class because we didn't want anyone to feel left out. And honestly, I was only doing it to keep up with the Joneses. I didn't grow up with these extravagant parties (FAR from it), and I honestly wonder when and why 'everyone' decided that a kid's 6th birthday should include all the pomp and circumstance of a sweet 16, graduation, or wedding, for crying out loud.

A couple years ago, I stopped talking to a lady who I actually considered a really good friend. Our kids had known each other since they were babies, we got together regularly, and I actually scheduled Lily's bday parties in part around what her schedule looked like so that the little friends (some of Lily's best) could be there. Then I found out that she had her daughter's bday party without inviting Lily. I was very insulted (I didn't tell Lily), and though we have talked and seen each other since, I do not consider her the friend I once did. Lily has also been disappointed more than once by not being invited to a party the kids at school are talking about.

I'm to the point where not only will I not throw any more of these parties, but I don't intend to allow Lily to even go to them unless that person truly is a friend and not an elementary school aquaintance. This year we took our Disney trip a few weeks before Lily's bday, and I told her THAT was going to be her party this year. I think it's our new tradition!

 

[luvsJack]

I don't think I am understanding why a party that includes an entire class has to be extravagant?

We used to rent a room for an hour at the skating rink and pay less than $150 for the room and all the kids to skate. I would bring the cake and some drinks and chips. At the most $200

Other parties have been bowling and it was even less. Less than $100 for the lanes and then cake, chips and drinks. Maybe $150 and that is stretching it.

When she was too young for those we had swimming parties (my mom's pool), free place and again cake, chips and drinks (and many years I have made the cake so that was only the cost of a couple of cake mixes).

I know several kids that have parents that go whole hog. Have a good friend that rents at least one jumper for each party (sometimes two) and for most parties has had someone in costume to match the theme. (Barney, Little Mermaid, Mickey Mouse, a clown, etc.) She goes all out and its as much a social gathering for adults and a networking event for her job as it is a kids party. I don't see the need in all that, but I guess it is important to her.