do you charge your young adults to live with you?

[NeverlandClub23]

I've lived with my parents 7 of the 9 years since I graduated high school. I don't pay anything (although they've never asked and honestly we've never had any problems as I've never come home late or had parties, etc.). I work a full time job (now a well paying full time job ) and have gone to college in the past and taken many certification courses. I would pay them if asked but I don't think it will come to that before I move out. I buy my own groceries, pay my cell phone bill, pay insurance, car payment, do my own laundry, buy my own necessities, etc. If I'm out at the store I'll pick up things I know they'll use. My parents travel a lot so I do a lot for them while they're gone. Once I repainted the whole downstairs with paint my Mom had bought months before but never had the time to paint while they were gone. If I was being a financial burden on my parents or creating problems with their relationship I would leave in a heartbeat. By providing a roof over my head I have been able to get out of previous debt, save money, and make some wonderful memories with them that I will never forget.

I used to work with a lady who was well off (financially). Her and her husband let their son live with them and charged him $150 a month in rent. Unbeknown to him (but known to me as she told me ) she was putting the rent money in a savings account for him to give to him at a later date. I thought that was a really generous, nice idea.

 

[C.Ann]

I don't think it's "ridiculous" to charge him rent as the PP stated. Yes we are supposed to support them until they can support themselves, but there's no reason he shouldn't be able to contribute to his support by 18. There are millions of 18-year olds that completely support themselves. At 18 I moved out, was a single mom, got a job, and supported us both while working my way through nursing school without help from anyone else. If I can do it, an able-bodied single boy can survive paying a little rent.

With that being said, my DH and I have already discussed this and made the decision that when our children graduate,if they stay at home, they have 2 choices - either go to school full time, help out with a few chores, keep your grades up, and get a weekend or very part-time job for any extras they want (cell phone, movies, shopping, etc) OR get a full-time job, help out with a few chores, pay rent (like $100/month) and their extras, and put 1/2 your check into savings. After that I don't care what you blow your money on.

I don't think that is unreasonable by any stretch of the imagination. To me the sign of a good parent is raising your children to be able to survive as adults if God forbid something ever happened to me, and the world takes their kid gloves off the minute you turn 18 (if not before). I want to raise my girls so that they can hit the ground running when they become adults. It's much easier to teach them while they are younger than trying to make up for lost time when they are older and struggling.

I agree with this 100%.. Once you give them the notion that they can freeload forever, they lose all incentive to do anything at all..

I assume at 18 most kids want the "rights" of being 18 and being treated "like an adult".. Guess what? Wanting to be treated as an adult also means taking on adult responsibilities - and that includes financial responsibilities..

 

[averysmom]

I had a p-t job all through HS and I paid for all of my personal items - my car, my gas, my insurance, my clothes, make-up, hair stuff, etc.
Everything else, my parents paid for -as long as I was in school. If I had chosen not to go to university, then I would have had to pay rent.

My brother dropped out of university and my parents charged him 200/month rent. They saved it though, and when he moved out they gave it back to him so he could buy furniture, household items, etc.

Maybe you could do that? If he doesn't end up going to school, charge him a rent and then save it for him to help him get started when he moves out???

TBH, I think it is a little unfair to get angry at him for drinking OJ and then expecting him to buy more when he goes out. OJ is something that I think is for the whole family - family that he belongs too, IMO.

 

[wshupnastar]

I don't think it is wrong to expect ALL of the kids to help out around the house. Not just the older ones. Even a 3 year old can pick up after themselves and help with minor chores (my niece always wants to help me fold laundry when she is here...does she do it the way I would...no, but she feels great because she helped, and that's a good thing!)

I may be in the minority here, but I think you may be a bit too tough as of now...you said he graduated in May? It's not like it's been 10 years and he's been freeloading ever since. That being said, I would certainly push college as best as I could. I am sure you are worried for his future, and that could also be behind the frustrations.

I am a step-child myself, and as one, I have to say, my "step-dad" never once referred to me as his "step-daughter". You have no idea what that means to me now. I was always just his daughter. The choice of words leads me to believe maybe you are a little different with him because he isn't your biological child. (No flames, please, just putting this out there!) When I was younger, I really didn't notice the difference...I mean, I called him by his first name and referred to him as my "step-dad", but I really do feel we have a great relationship now (and I call him Dad...my kids call him Pappaw) simply because he never showed any difference between me and my brother (technically, half-brother, I guess!) He married my mom when I was 7, he had relatives who don't even realize I am not his biological daughter!

I think since the idea that you are treating him different because he is your step child entered your head, you kind of already have your answer.

My daughter is 15 and we have been discussing her options for after high school. Me and DH have told her as long as she goes to college, she will not have to contribute the household bills. Should she get a job, she will help out financially. Honestly, it's more of a ploy on our part to get her to go to college, it's not so much about the money! We wouldn't have her pay much, but I think it would show how to handle things if she were responsible for one bill a month (something like the water bill, which usually doesn't run much) plus her cell phone and optional expenses (eating out, new clothes)

I think as long as your son helps out when asked, you are already ahead of lots of parents! I also agree with a previous poster that maybe a chore chart would help your frustrations. Also, completely agree with another poster who mentioned how men sometimes don't get the idea to help on their own. (Yes, I know there are plenty who do!) The joke around my house on that is "Why would I WANT to do the dishes?" (Vince Vaughn - The Break Up) DH helps me all of the time, but it's taken 15 years for him to "think" of it all on his own!

 

[mistysue]

You have to judge by his attitude. At first you said he has been living with you for three years... you have to remember he has been living there as a high school student. He graduated, but college hasn't even started yet and you haven't even given him a chance to be a college student yet. If you want him to do something - tell him exactly what you want him to do before you get upset that he isn't doing it. If you need to charge him rent than do so, but I think it's silly to do it just to prove a point.

I strongly disagree with the idea that if he lives there free he will lose all incentive. I come from a family of 5. Our parents paid for all of us through college. Did not require us to get jobs, paid for everything and gave us spending cash. Some of us stayed home, some moved out and they paid our rent. All five of us are now in our own homes and the last to move out and support himself moved out at 23.

I like the idea that if you want to charge rent, you could put it in a savings for him and then one day (like if he buys a home or gets married, surprise him with it at the last minute. My dad gave a large cash gift to one sister a couple weeks before her home closing and it was really great for her.

 

[Colleen27]

I don't anticipate charging my kids to live at home as young adults unless I feel they're using living at home as a way to avoid moving on to adulthood, but there is somethign I've learned from my mom and her problems with my brother - chores for teenage boys, most especially "adult" teen boys, need to be explicitly defined. No amount of saying "It would be nice if you..." would get through to my brother. I don't know if it was laziness or that teen self-centeredness or just obliviousness to what needed done, but when my mom started saying "If you want to live here you have to...", things got done that never did when she was just hinting/being polite. I'd set up some clearly defined responsibilities, both in terms of chores and of contributing to his own upkeep (not rent necessarily, but paying his own cell bill, car insurance, things like that) and see how that works out before taking the more potentially contentious step of charging rent.

 

[square pond]

We currently have my 23yr old daughter, her boyfirend and thier 10month old baby living with us. I was not charging my daughter any rent but once her boyfriend moved in we started. He pays 150 a week for all three of them to live here. They have a washer and dryer, heat, hotwater etc. Not to mention an inground pool. I don't really ask for much in the way of housework and the only food they buy is the main part of thier meals. Everything else like salt, pepper, oil, spices condiments etc. is in the cabinets for thier use including toilet paper, napkins, abd bathroom products. Does everyone think that is too high??

 

[amez]

OP here.

Thanks for all the feedback. I'm just curious on what people do. Just to clear up a few things-I don't get "angry" about the OJ it's just an observation. He is my step-son--he has a "mom" and I am his step-mom. He has told me and anyone who will listen that I'm a better mother to him then her if that makes any difference at all. That is all unimportant in the grand scheme of things except just to realize that we have a good relationship. Part of his personality is to procrasitnate and at this point the only reason he is signed up for college is because I told him that he should do it. I'm just concerned that he won't go. Recently part of each of his paycheck is given to me to put it up for him for school-again he is okay with that - we had talked about it and he recognized that he wouldn't be able to save it on his own. We gave him a car-he pays his own insurance on it (I shopped around to find him the best deal I showed him websites where he could find his college books used for much cheaper then the school and he hasn't acted on it.

He is treated like an adult-because he is over 18 and we do trust him. He has given us no reason not too. We are hoping he will go to college and we will continue supporting him. I had actually thought as other posters had said is to charge a small amount and put it up for savings (if he does't go to school) It would help him when he decides to go or set up his own house. I want to stress financially we are fine this is really more about what he needs to take the next step to adult hood.
My husband is also in agreement that I should just tell him straight out each day what needs done, I guess I struggle with that because I feel he is at an age where he knows what needs done Guess I should get over it. Other points people have made--yes everyone in the house is expected to help out (not just him) my five year old can vaccum, my nine year old cleans the kids bathroom etc. etc.

School starts for him in 2 1/2 weeks so I'm really hoping he just gets things together and goes!!

thanks for everyones input!

 

[patsal]

My DS will graduate in June 2010. He has two choices school full time or work full time. If he chooses school he will not have to contribute to the household $$. If he chooses work I will expect $$ and his fair share of chores. If he cannot make it on his own after college graduation he is welcome back home, but contributing to the household still stands. I plan on giving back all the $$ I take from him, but without responsibility he will take advantage. It is not my responsibility to take care of him for the rest of his life and my job as a parent is not complete until he can stand on his own two feet. If it is too easy he will never learn. I know he will take advatage if I do not set rules. Just last month he emptied his car savings to buy another guitar. He is in for a rude awakening when he asks for school clothes and/or supplies!

The same rules will apply to DD when she graduates in 2013.

I paid rent to my parents, couldn't get my DL until I had the $$ to pay the difference on their car insurance, couldn't buy a car until I had 2x what one would cost in case I needed repairs and to have insurance $$ ahead. I also put myself through private high school (laid off steel worker when I was in HS and my employer didn't observe child labor laws, my parents didn't care since I could take care of myself)--and college with no help, paid for my own wedding, etc.

If it is too comfortable they will never leave home and your not doing kids any favors by letting them stay indefinately with no responsibility.

 

[2binak]

My parents' rule was, if you graduated high school and didn't want to go to college, you could live at home, but you had to get a job and pay some room & board to help with groceries & other bills. If you went to college, you got a work-study or part-time job to pay your own credit card & phone bills, but my parents paid for tuition and room & board at school. Either way, we were learning how to responsible for bills and getting ready to live on our own. It worked really well for everyone involved.

 

[robinb]

We currently have my 23yr old daughter, her boyfirend and thier 10month old baby living with us. I was not charging my daughter any rent but once her boyfriend moved in we started. He pays 150 a week for all three of them to live here. They have a washer and dryer, heat, hotwater etc. Not to mention an inground pool. I don't really ask for much in the way of housework and the only food they buy is the main part of thier meals. Everything else like salt, pepper, oil, spices condiments etc. is in the cabinets for thier use including toilet paper, napkins, abd bathroom products. Does everyone think that is too high??

Since you asked, yes I think $600 a month is too much for a young family to be paying to stay in a parent's home. Especially since they are paying for their own food and (I assume) diapers. Of course, $600 is probably quite a bit less than they would pay for an apartment with utilities but if you ever want them to move out the have to also be given the opportunity to save for security deposits/etc.

Back OT: It seems that the consensus is that a young adult staying at home past high school should pay for their "extras" like cell phone, car insurance, clothing, etc. They should also be given specific chores like own laundry. If they are not in school, then they should be working and paying some rent.

 

[LKHomemail]

We currently have my 23yr old daughter, her boyfirend and thier 10month old baby living with us. I was not charging my daughter any rent but once her boyfriend moved in we started. He pays 150 a week for all three of them to live here. They have a washer and dryer, heat, hotwater etc. Not to mention an inground pool. I don't really ask for much in the way of housework and the only food they buy is the main part of thier meals. Everything else like salt, pepper, oil, spices condiments etc. is in the cabinets for thier use including toilet paper, napkins, abd bathroom products. Does everyone think that is too high??

Honestly, please do not be offended but I think that is way too high. They are members of the working poor with that price. How will they ever get ahead ? Is living at home REALLY helping them or you ? How can they save to get married / take a honeymoon / get a home of their own / begin saving for the babys college fund ? I would give them some refund.

 

[patsal]

We currently have my 23yr old daughter, her boyfirend and thier 10month old baby living with us. I was not charging my daughter any rent but once her boyfriend moved in we started. He pays 150 a week for all three of them to live here. They have a washer and dryer, heat, hotwater etc. Not to mention an inground pool. I don't really ask for much in the way of housework and the only food they buy is the main part of thier meals. Everything else like salt, pepper, oil, spices condiments etc. is in the cabinets for thier use including toilet paper, napkins, abd bathroom products. Does everyone think that is too high??

I do not necessarily think that is too high, but I would consider what percentage of the pay that is. If he makes $500-600 per week that is fair if much lower than that is a bit high. My only experience is what I had at home, in 1989 I brought in $400 every two weeks (teaching Catholic school) and paid my parents $150 of that--so $300 per month. I had just enough left over to pay my student loan, gas and car insurance. I had a part time job of an additonal $75.00 (17.5 hours at the then $3.35 minimum wage) at Wegmans Supermarket and that was for entertainment, food and towards my wedding savings.

 

[square pond]

I do not necessarily think that is too high, but I would consider what percentage of the pay that is. If he makes $500-600 per week that is fair if much lower than that is a bit high. My only experience is what I had at home, in 1989 I brought in $400 every two weeks (teaching Catholic school) and paid my parents $150 of that--so $300 per month. I had just enough left over to pay my student loan, gas and car insurance. I had a part time job of an additonal $75.00 (17.5 hours at the then $3.35 minimum wage) at Wegmans Supermarket and that was for entertainment, food and towards my wedding savings.

He gets unlimited overtime and a lot of weeks he is bringing home anywhere from 650.00 to 800.00 a week. They have no car payment. I just wanted to get a feel for what people thought was a fair amount to charge. Not that it matters but that is the amount he offered when he asked to move in. But it is negotiable...especially if people really think it too much. Sorry I didn't mean to highjack the thread I just saw it was about kids paying rent and decided to ask some people who have young adults still at home. Thanks for your insight.

 

[MAH4546]

The one thing my kids will always have is a free place to stay. I could never imagine charging my children for rent, utilities or to contribute to the grocery bill. I guess I'm in the minority - it really bothers me to think that people would actually do that to their own child.

 

[mtomlin66]

He gets unlimited overtime and a lot of weeks he is bringing home anywhere from 650.00 to 800.00 a week. They have no car payment. I just wanted to get a feel for what people thought was a fair amount to charge. Not that it matters but that is the amount he offered when he asked to move in. But it is negotiable...especially if people really think it too much. Sorry I didn't mean to highjack the thread I just saw it was about kids paying rent and decided to ask some people who have young adults still at home. Thanks for your insight.

I don't think that is too much at all, especially since you said that is the amount he offered when he moved in. It is not as if they are young kids just starting out - your DD and boyfriend have obviously been out in the world and know that even at this price it is a bargain. In my area, a decent 2 bedroom apartment would run a minimum of $1300, plus utilities. As others have mentioned in the thread, if it is not money that is needed for household expenses, perhaps you can put it in a special account for future use ... a wedding, down payment on a house or even start a college fund for the baby

 

[square pond]

The one thing my kids will always have is a free place to stay. I could never imagine charging my children for rent, utilities or to contribute to the grocery bill. I guess I'm in the minority - it really bothers me to think that people would actually do that to their own child.

I really think for some people it is a matter of "have to" not "want to" charge rent. If I was a millionare I would buy them thier own home but I am not. I have two younger children and a mortgage. Not to mention my husband was laid off two months ago. Although they were paying rent before that happened. In todays world we all need to pull together and contribute just to keep a roof over all of our heads. If I win the lottery they'll be set for life!

 

[patsal]

He gets unlimited overtime and a lot of weeks he is bringing home anywhere from 650.00 to 800.00 a week. They have no car payment. I just wanted to get a feel for what people thought was a fair amount to charge. Not that it matters but that is the amount he offered when he asked to move in. But it is negotiable...especially if people really think it too much. Sorry I didn't mean to highjack the thread I just saw it was about kids paying rent and decided to ask some people who have young adults still at home. Thanks for your insight.

Absolutely not too much. In addition it is what he agreed to. If you wanted to you could put that money aside, or a portion of it and give it to them when they move out for the unexpected expenses they might have.

 

[mtomlin66]

The one thing my kids will always have is a free place to stay. I could never imagine charging my children for rent, utilities or to contribute to the grocery bill. I guess I'm in the minority - it really bothers me to think that people would actually do that to their own child.

What exactly are they "doing" to their child, besides teaching them responsibility? I haven't seen anyone who has suggested that the 18 year old adult child who is working full time and bringing home a salary contribute more than a token amount to the household expenses and be responsible for their own personal expenses, such as cell phone and cc. Why would that bother you?

 

[patsal]

The one thing my kids will always have is a free place to stay. I could never imagine charging my children for rent, utilities or to contribute to the grocery bill. I guess I'm in the minority - it really bothers me to think that people would actually do that to their own child.

But we are not talking about children, we are talking about adults that want to have to have all the rights of adults with none of the responsibilities. I have and will continue to take care of my children, but I will not forever be responsible for the welfare of my adult children when they must stand on their own two feet to be really considered adults.