Do I have a right to be upset?

[Summer-Caitlin]

As most of you know I originally intended to have a DFTW with just my fiance and I, things changed and my mom is now coming for the first week to see us get married. Due to this change, I invited my brother and his new wife along (they got married last year) They declined saying firstly they couldn't afford it, secondly it was too hot at the time of year I'm going and thirdly the queues would be too long for the rides. I was slightly disappointed but fine.
I found out yesterday, through my mom that he and his new wife are going to Orlando, but in May! 3 months before our wedding. Now normally I wouldn't have a problem with this, but my brother has always had a competitive streak with me and has already said that we are trying to outdo his wedding (we are not) I have always wanted a Disney Wedding, this is my dream coming true
My question is I do I have the right to be upset? I am feeling really let down by him and sort of like he's trying to step on our toes. He wants my mom to be excited for him yet he has shown no interest in our wedding and is not excited for us. My mom agrees and feels it is cruel. Out of all the places in all the world, I don't understand why he picked the same destination we have. She has been to Orlando a few times before and I know my brother really wanted to go to Australia as we both grew up there and have loads of family there.
I just feel like he wants to go before I do, he has always said that because he is the older brother it is only right that he does things first (marriage, children, career etc) He even went to study Law and Management, when i had always expressed an interest to study Law when I graduated. I am now studying Law and I bet he'll feel like I'm copying him!
I'm sorry, I'm venting but I feel so mad. I know I have no control over where they spend their vacations, but I feel he copies me all the time. I mean this is my Wedding, and it feels like he's trying to show me up. I know him and he'll come back with opinions and say to my mom and I "Oh, don't go here, it's not worth it" "Oh, you wouldn't like that" We ate here, but it's really expensive and you can't afford that"
AAAAHHHHHH!
So tell me, am I being unreasonable?

 

[ForKeeps]

Hey SC,

Well...having a brother myself I've always felt that I have a right to get upset over anything he does

The whole brother-sister relationship can be a horse of a different colour.

The first thing that my brother said to me when we were alone post wedding was "Great...now how am I going to outdo that." He didn't mean it in a "serious, unhappy" way...but it just shows that there's always a bit of competition there. There's only the 2 of us and when we were younger it could get bad. It didn't help that we competed against each other in sports.

Unfortunately the only advice I have is the same my parents gave me growing up: just ignore him.

It's his problem, not yours. He's going to have to come to terms with opting for May and missing your wedding one day.

 

[janine]

I would agree with forkeeps. Just ignore him. Boy he hasn't a clue what HE is missing out on. My guests were over the moon to experience our wedding. It is still talked about now. It's his loss.
I am sure it will be a regret for him once he sees how beautiful your wedding pictures/video is.
Neither of my brothers came to my Disney wedding out of their choice, but went elsewhere for their holidays.
We get along 'fine' but I didn't even get a wedding card from one.
I wrestle with it, but it's ok. We all know where we stand.

Trust me your day will be just fine, even without them there! XX

 

[Skylarr29]

I don't have too much advice but I can completely relate to what you are going through. I am about to turn 23 in 3 weeks and my younger sister just turned 18 a few months ago. Her boyfriend just proposed to her and now they have been talking weddings. She mentioned having a Disney wedding and I about had a heart attack (or beat her to a bloody pulp lol). She has NEVER shown an interest in a Disney wedding and has made those typical stupid comments about a Disney wedding.... and now she wants one!!! &%$#@ How convenient! (In the end she decided not to.. at least for now - poor thing can't afford it at 18! )

Your wedding will be wonderful. I would feel extremely hurt too because he is going right before you... he could just as easily have attended your wedding. I am not as subtle as you and I would call him on it. I would tell him that you feel very hurt because he said he couldn't afford to go and attend your wedding but he can afford to go earlier??? In the end it will be his loss when he sees the photos and everything and sees how much fun you had. I know this is easier said than done but try not to make it into a competition and try to have as much fun as you can! This is experience will be magical and one you will never forget. What is most important is that you are marrying the love of your life and your dreams are coming true!

 

[ChocolateMouse]

It would be nice to have a perfect wedding with a perfect guest list, but that's not usually possible. I'm struggling with that right now too. My best advice is to worry about the people who are attending, not those who don't want to be there. In the latter case, you might lose a sibling or a favourite relative from your guest list, but those are things you don't have direct control.

When you plan a wedding, there are details where you have reasonable control - date, location, gown, theme, etc. There are also ones you can't control - guests' decision to attend, weather, etc. - and will drive you crazy if you worry about it too much.

 

[LUV2DZNEE]

What a bummer that your brother made such a hurtful choice. Just remember, it will be his loss not to attend your fabulous DFTW. He may be vacationing at WDW, but he's not getting married there and that's two entirely different things. Just keep repeating . . . it's his loss, it's his loss!

Enjoy your dream wedding.

 

[Maggimus]

Summer-Caitlin, I dont have any advice to offer you. All I can say is that you have been dealt some rough cards throughout this planning experience. Keep your head up, chin raised high, and know that I am rooting you on the entire way. Once the wedding gets here-- nothing else will matter but the marriage!

 

[jasnal]

I know it's hard when siblings do things like this. If I were you I would do my best not to let this get me down. If you get worked up about this, he will get the reaction that he wanted from you. Keep your chin up!!! After all....you are getting married at the "happiest place on earth"!!!!

 

[DisneyFairy19]

I know I would be upset. Just try to keep thinking positive and look forward to your beautiful wedding in Disney with your soulmate... Thats all that matters

 

[Belle1981]

SC- All I can say is keep your head up! I am an only child HOWEVER I had a "friend" growing up who CONSTANTLY kept trying to compete. Same clothes, same hairstyle Even SAME PART TIME JOB....While I was seeing red because it DROVE ME CRAZY my mother always said to me that when someone copies you it should be considered the biggest form of flattery. I know that is easier said than done BUT just think of it this way he is doing this just to get to you...Now you need to show him that he isn't getting to you. He is doing this purely for reaction. So when he brings it up throw him off and say GREAT let me know what you think! If you have any tips let me know! Go on and on about how wonderful it is that you will now have an inside scoop! I am telling you he will be so shocked and it will DRIVE HIM CRAZY that you are not upset. I hate when people behave the way you are describing your brother...I may not have siblings BUT I have a whole lot of TOXIC cousins who made my life hell.... SC if you act like you think its the greatest thing not only will you be the bigger person BUT it will eat him up that he did not get to you!
Good luck

 

[Raspberry Bubbles]

Summer-Caitlin, ahhhh..... UK Siblings really DO know how to pull our strings. Really, they are the best. If he is anything like my sister (who married at a castle that my parents had to hire for the day and a hand made £4,000 dress) then the main reason he's doing it is to get a reaction from you, and because, like my sister and I, the competition is fierce.

However, "at the end of the day" (as we are so fond of saying lately) it WILL be his loss. I'd carry on regardless and show him that you are concentrating on YOU having a great wedding, and that YOU are going to have the best time. If he wants to go ahead with the May thing, that's pretty pathetic, and he probably knows it. If he comes back with his "opinons", well, those are his and if they're sour opinions of what we all know will be your dream come true, then that only reflects the kind of person he is. I know that sounds harsh and I'm sure you love your brother, but sometimes I think our siblings really know how to "put the boot in". I've been lucky at the moment but I don't doubt that some uncomfortable situations will arise when we get into our planning, vis-a-vis siblings.

I too had the Law thing (I was a solicitor for one of the big five before I went into teaching) and now my sister has become a parent governor and spends her time talking to me about HER role in school, advising ME on educational issues (despite my actually TEACHING every day) and it drives me nuts. But, as my DF says, "deep breah, deep breath". We all know our own siblings, they'll never change, bless them.

I'm sure everything will work out well - you'll have the time of your life, I'm positive!