Do I attend the rehearsal?

[Michelle67]

OP, I think you are very smart and very compassionate to try to understand why your step daughter would push you away and run to the absentee bio mom. It must be such a terribly hard job to be a step parent. I've never been one, but I had one---actually I've had them on both sides, but went through my teen years in the home with a step mother that I treated pretty badly. I didn't wise up until I had a child of my own at 22.

My husband is not my oldest daughter's dad, but has raised her since she was seven years old. She graduated high school this year. It was a really rough road for him, too. Her natural father often let her down. Still, whenever he strode handsomely into the picture he was the sun and the moon, and my husband was just the mean jerk that made her follow rules. He's not the kind to really show his emotions, but I know it hurt him time and again.

I have huge respect for anybody who sticks with the job of raising another man or woman's child. Parenting is never easy, and step parenting can only be that much harder. From what you've posted, you sound like a good and caring person, and I think that you've probably done a good job with this girl. One of these days I think that, like me, she will wise up and regret treating you the way she is right now. In the meantime, hang in there.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

Keep in mind in regard to the gift....if she is headed off to basic training, any gift will be in the care of your soon to be SIL. So you have to use your judgement about that. If it is a gift card it may be spent by him while she is in basic. What is her rush to get married before she goes in? She's only 18!
Robin M.

 

[aprilgail2]

What is her rush to get married before she goes in? She's only 18!
Robin M.

I agree- I would be DEVASTATED if my daughter wanted to get married at 18 years old- I really don't even want to think about that!
But as far as the rehearsal dinner goes I am sure that varies region to region as do the receptions- here everyone in the wedding plus their spouses are invited to the rehearsal dinner, both sets of parents, grandparents and everyone in from out of state- rehearsal dinners can have 50 people + at them....

 

[Barb D]

I agree- I would be DEVASTATED if my daughter wanted to get married at 18 years old- I really don't even want to think about that!
But as far as the rehearsal dinner goes I am sure that varies region to region as do the receptions- here everyone in the wedding plus their spouses are invited to the rehearsal dinner, both sets of parents, grandparents and everyone in from out of state- rehearsal dinners can have 50 people + at them....

When my niece got married recently only the wedding party was at the rehearsal dinner. Not even all of her siblings were invited, let alone grandparents, etc. from out of town!

To the OP, how about a text message to your DSD: "Do you want me to bring (name of some object she might want that night or early the next day) to the rehearsal dinner?" This will let her know that you assume you're invited, so she'll have to explicitly uninvite you if she doesn't want you there.

 

[mselly13]

They blame you for what? Unless you are the reason for the break up of the marriage I am really not following why they would be upset with you at all.

It sounds like an all around bad situation. I would not go to the rehearsal.

No I am not the reason for the break up. She blames me because her bio mom wasn't in the picture. She blames me and says it's my fault bio mom didn't come around. What child wants to admit that their mother doesn't want them?

Sorry you are having such troubles. For a wedding gift, I would probably make a scrapbook of photos of SD growing up that feature me prominently. But that's just me.

Actually, I was thinking of taking pics the night of rehearsal and during the ceremony and putting them together for her in an album within a day or two and then also getting a nice silver frame engraved with their names and wedding date and giving it to her a few days later. Does this sound okay? I don't want to get a gift card that he will get to spend because she is gone to basics. They live with his parents now and I assume he will stay there after she ships. She will be gone for at least 27 weeks. 9 weeks of basics then like 3 days off and then the rest of the time is AIT training. Who knows when they will be able to live together.

I'm not the OP but just want to chime in with some experience. I didn't meet my DH until 7 months after his divorce was finalized. I was frequently blamed by the ex for breaking her family apart. If you can figure out why then you are a smarter person then me.

To the OP, go to the rehearsal. You are your DH's wife. Unless your DH cheated with you when he was still married, then the ex has nothing to say. And if she causes a scene and disrupts the wedding, then its not your fault she can't behave like an adult.
Now, if you were the mistress (not saying you are), then stay home because she apparently hasn't gotten over it yet.

No I did not cheat with DH. DH and I did date when SD was like 6 months old. He and bio mom were not married. We dated for 2 months or so and then he left me for her. They later married. I believe they married when she was 2 years old. They were divorced almost exactly 2 years later. He then married wife #2 within 30 days. Wife #2 left him about 3 years later and he called me a few months later but we didn't actually start dating until she had been gone almost a year. He didn't actually divorce her until 13 days before our wedding 3 years later. Funny, wife#2 left him but wouldn't file for or help pay for divorce. The kids have always known or at least we thought we had been honest with them about everything. But did they pay attention. I don't think so. I'll try to make this part short. Earlier this year bio mom started a lot a trouble with me. She was telling SS that I was starting things with her because she was going to my myspace. If she saw something that she felt guilty about or thought was about her she told him I was starting trouble. SS believed her and then would go tell DFIL that I was starting trouble. I ended up deleting my myspace to end it. I was tired of the accusations. DFIL quit talking to me for awhile and when he realized he couldn't see youngest DD(3) without talking to me he decided he would talk to me. But in the mean time he did tell both SS and SD that I was the reason for the divorce. I was actually in a different state for the 4 months before and after that divorce. And why did DH marry wife #2 if I was the cause of the divorce? He needs to get his facts straight. DFIL refuses to have an actual conversation with me because of the things that bio mom has told the kids. He believes the lies just like the kids do. They all like to accuse me of stuff but none of them is willing to discuss any of it with me...just behind my back.

 

[jenrose66]

I might be in the minority here...but I would stay home. This sounds like a complicated situation. I'm a child of divorce and my dad did have an affair, I was old enough to know what was going on.

There has always been friction between me and my dad's wife. Step families are complicated and even though her mom may have treated her badly that's still her mom and I'm not saying that you did anything wrong, but there is tension in the relationship...and I get the feeling that we don't have the entire story.

Either way, just let step daughter be and if you aren't wanted at the rehearsal, why subject yourself to the torture.

For the record, my dad's wife was in some wedding pics, just her my dad and me and dh...but she wasn't welcome in any other family pics.

 

[LoveKermit]

First I was going to suggest you go. Then after reading, I wanted to say don't go. But then, since I've never been in your shoes and cannot believe the situation you are in, I just want to say I hope everything works out okay.

I like the "Do you need me to bring (blank)?" thought to get an answer though.

Otherwise, I might stay home as long as I knew DH would defend me if I came up at the rehearsal.

Weddings in non-step families can be nasty. I can only imagine this.

As far as the gift--I like the frame idea, but if you want to do something bigger, could you wait until the 27 weeks (I think that's what you said) are over? Maybe you could get them an overnight in a hotel with dinner and spending money, if they're living with his parents, but not until AFTER she gets back. Reconnection will be the number one thing they need.

DHs cousin did a similar fast wedding. They had never really dated. She's from San Francisco, he's from central IL. He left for Iraq right after the wedding in '05, I think. He came back for good (for now) last Christmas. This is the first time they've lived together (or even near each other) since they got married (I know that sounds funny, but they never dated either). They seem like a great couple, but it's still new to them (the relationship). That's how a lot of military couples work.

 

[craps7or11]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Take care and I hope it all works out.