Divorce and the effect on children

[dismom2005]

My husband of 11 years and I are going through a very rough patch - he had an emotional affair that turned physical earlier this year. I found out about it and we started going to MC and IC. Husband is very shameful of the affair but it is over - the young woman has moved on to another person.

We are struggling right now with what happens next. We are temporarily separated right now because it's just too painful to be around each other right now. He is subleting an apartment temporarily but we have an agreement that there will be no dating or other people involved while we are trying to work things out or I will file for divorce. Our marriage is not perfect, but we fought very little, in fact we were almost not passionate enough about things. We're the best of friends but he wants more from marriage than just a good friendship. I don't disagree but he is not the kind of person who shows or ever wanted romance or passion before. It's all very confusing.

My worry of course is for the children - I know lots of people divorce and the children are fine but I am so very afraid what a divorce or long term separation with two different houses would do to our children. My oldest son, 8, is very sensitive and I couldn't imagine what this would do to him He already knows that daddy isn't around much and he's been a lot more emotional and upset, as have I.

I still feel so much love for my husband and just can't imagine life without him. He loves the children more than words and I just hope it's not too late to somehow turn this around. Any advice or comments are appreciated.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

First, decide whether or not you can really forgive him. If you can, find out what attracted him to the other woman. That will give you a clue as to what is missing in your marriage (in both of you, not just him or you). If possible without changing who you are, become what he needs and ask him to become what you need. Not want, but NEED. (FYI, for young men, sex is a need).

We each give of ourselves in marriage. If he is really willing to come back to the table, so must you - but that means that both of you have to fill the void in the other. You can't make the mistake that I have seen too many people make - deciding that it was he who cheated, so he who must make all concessions. That will do nothing to address whatever had him looking the first time and will end in failure.

Finally, divorce only hurts children as much as the parents allow it to hurt them. Good luck in your decision.

 

[hiwaygal]

First of all, sorry you are going through this. It hurts and it's difficult, but not impossible to overcome!

I would encourage you to check out Surviving Infidelity. There are folks there who have been through what you are going through and can advise and help you get through these rough times.

As for your kids, they are going to be more emotional and stressed because YOU and your DH are more emotional and stressed...they see it and feel it. While you and your DH are going to MC and IC, have you considered any kind of counseling for your kids? It could help them realize that they are not to blame and also give them another outlet for their fears and emotions.

My parents divorced when I was 10...and yes, it was hard. But it was more how they interacted with one another that had more of an impact than the living apart stuff, if that makes sense. If you and your DH can work together to make 'family time' or time with mom or dad as stress free as possible it will help.

Good luck to your family!

 

[smfritz03]

If you love each other, work it out.

Children do bounce back from a divorce, but they aren't fully the same. Life takes different turns for them, they may end up w/ step parents, or step siblings---it gets complicated. Yes, it can be worked through, and many kids lead normal lives, but---ultimately---I'd work it out IF you can have a happy marriage and remain in love and trust each other.

 

[Disney Doll]

DisneyBamaFan makes a good point. Clearly your husband was able to show something to the other woman in terms of passion or romance, so he has the ability. Perhaps you two need to stop thinking you are each other's "best friend" and think of each other as spouses, lovers...think of each other in more passionate terms, if you know what I mean. As hard as it may be to hear, perhaps listen to what it was he "got" from the other woman (besides the physical component, which we all know can be quite compelling for men), what did she say or do, how did she make him feel? That sort of thing. It could give you insight into what you need to change in order to make your marriage work. Please don't think I am blaming you for his indiscretion...that is not the case. At the end of the day, he chose to involve himself with another woman.

It's easy to lose the spark, I would imagine, when the kids are little and you are slogging through those years of diapers, babysitters, Little League and so forth.

The fact that you both seem to want to save the marriage is good. You do need to decide if you can forgive him...truly forgive him. I think if he is able to "stay the course" of not dating during your separation, when the temptation would be great to do so based on the loneliness, guilt and all the other emotions that are roiling around right now, that could be a pretty good indicator that he is serious about trying to fix this.

As a PP has said...how does divorce affect children? Well, of course it will affect the children...life as they know it will be foever changed. But, how you two handle it as parents will set the "tone" for how they will handle it.

 

[mickeyboat]

Please go to the Surviving Infidelity site. (Although from your abbreviations, it sounds like you might already have been there). The people there know what they are talking about.

 

[sbell111]

First, decide whether or not you can really forgive him. If you can, find out what attracted him to the other woman. That will give you a clue as to what is missing in your marriage (in both of you, not just him or you). If possible without changing who you are, become what he needs and ask him to become what you need. Not want, but NEED. (FYI, for young men, sex is a need).

We each give of ourselves in marriage. If he is really willing to come back to the table, so must you - but that means that both of you have to fill the void in the other. You can't make the mistake that I have seen too many people make - deciding that it was he who cheated, so he who must make all concessions. That will do nothing to address whatever had him looking the first time and will end in failure.

Finally, divorce only hurts children as much as the parents allow it to hurt them. Good luck in your decision.

If you love each other, work it out.

Children do bounce back from a divorce, but they aren't fully the same. Life takes different turns for them, they may end up w/ step parents, or step siblings---it gets complicated. Yes, it can be worked through, and many kids lead normal lives, but---ultimately---I'd work it out IF you can have a happy marriage and remain in love and trust each other.

Two great posts.

 

[LuvOrlando]

If you are asking me how I see it. Good men are very hard to find. I married a good man. I have always said out loud that I would never forgive such a transgression but considering what is out there and my need for companionship, I would rather mash out a tolerable situation with someone I genuinely care for than risk bringing a stranger anywhere near my kids. So if this happened to me and the situation is really just the way you describe (no long term abusive behavior or problems) I would be heartbroken but force myself through it, not only for my kids' sakes but my own. But that's just me, everyone is different and only you know what you can or can't live with.

PS, this whole idea is based upon the idea that this man makes you happy and improves your life.

 

[Shmily1]

I divorced my ex when DD was 2 and DS was 3. DS was awful when we were together. He would pitch a fit and scream. Once I told ex-H to go, DS asked when his daddy was coming home. I told him he lived at Granny's now. DS said "oh, ok." That was the last day that DS had a fit and screamed. He was a happy boy from then on.

The are 19 and 18 now and are great people. They will both tell you that they are so much better off for me being strong enough to get the divorce.

I always made a point of never bad-mouthing their dad. He did some awful stuff when I told him I wanted a divorce, like burning my house down, trying to kill me, etc, but I stood my ground and didn't say anything bad about him. He was their dad and they needed to make up their own mind how they feel about him. He, on the other hand, chose to not take the high road and tried to bad-mouth me which has only made it harder on him because they see who he really is.

Good luck in whatever you do and know that your children will be alright as long as you give them as much attention, hugs, and love as they can stand.

 

[paintnolish]

It sounds as if you are not quite ready to let go and the marriage might be salvageable. Your post, however, asked about kids, so I will comment on that...in my case, I know my children are much happier and better off. I am remarried and they love their step dad and have a good relationship with their biological dad. In my case, it was much better for them to be away from our volatile relationship than suffer through it. There was a lot of fighting and yelling and my dd (4) would ask me why I cried all the time...not good. That is not to say it was not difficult, but my children are friendly, happy, well adjusted kids. Good luck to you and your family. I know how emotionally draining this must be for you.

 

[Darcy03231]

I divorced when my children were 2 and 4. As a PP did, I never said anything negative about their Dad to the kids, nor did I allow anyone else in my family to do it. I also let him see them whenever he wanted to, regardless of the Court schedule. The kids are now 18 & 16 and are very well adjusted. I made myself always take the high road for their sake and it paid off.

 

[mumom95]

My husband of 11 years and I are going through a very rough patch - he had an emotional affair that turned physical earlier this year. I found out about it and we started going to MC and IC. Husband is very shameful of the affair but it is over - the young woman has moved on to another person.

We are struggling right now with what happens next. We are temporarily separated right now because it's just too painful to be around each other right now. He is subleting an apartment temporarily but we have an agreement that there will be no dating or other people involved while we are trying to work things out or I will file for divorce. Our marriage is not perfect, but we fought very little, in fact we were almost not passionate enough about things. We're the best of friends but he wants more from marriage than just a good friendship. I don't disagree but he is not the kind of person who shows or ever wanted romance or passion before. It's all very confusing.

My worry of course is for the children - I know lots of people divorce and the children are fine but I am so very afraid what a divorce or long term separation with two different houses would do to our children. My oldest son, 8, is very sensitive and I couldn't imagine what this would do to him He already knows that daddy isn't around much and he's been a lot more emotional and upset, as have I.

I still feel so much love for my husband and just can't imagine life without him. He loves the children more than words and I just hope it's not too late to somehow turn this around. Any advice or comments are appreciated.

I have no words of advice, I'm not divorced and my parents weren't divorced.

But I just wanted to send you a and say I'm very impressed. You've been dealt a difficult situation, but you (and your dh at this point) seem to be handling it like two mature adults who are thinking things through and taking everyone involved into consideration. I've seen too many couples who rush to divorce without trying to work it out, or just stay together without ever trying to fix what's wrong.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I have one word of advice for you if DH officially moves out and you divorce. Whatever you do, be up front with the children. DH should tell them that he is moving out but still loves them and will still see them. My parents divorced when I was 7. The worst part of it all was they tried to keep it a secret from me. One day I came home from school and all my dad's things were suddenly gone. That is a mighty blow to a young child. I wish to this day that I was told about it before it happened. Best of luck to you and your family .

 

[Bren's Mom]

Here's what I think:

Divorce will affect your children, no matter what. So before you both go any further I'd do everything in your power to try to make the marriage work. You both owe that to your children. Do everything, leave no stone unturned. Really, really try.

If you've exhausted every avenue for reconciliation and you still feel that divorce is necessary you will at least be able to look your kids in the eye (as will your dh assuming he tried to) and tell them you did everything you could.

And then the BEST thing you can do for your kids is to let go and move on. No anger, no fighting, no custody battles...compromise to find the best solution for you both to spend time with your kids, for you both to have enough money to live on, etc. Don't badmouth the other spouse.

I hope you both can heal your hearts and learn to love again.

 

[FireDancer]

My parents separated when I was 10, got back together, and then finally divorced when I was 22. It would have been much better on all of us had they stayed seperated and divorced back in 1988. Divorce may not be easy but living in a home that is unhappy is worse in my opinion.

If you are just staying together for the kids do your children a favor and divorce. If you can genuinely work it out for yourselves then give it a go. I assure you, kids are wise enough to pick up on it and it is not a good situation. The emotional scars from their time together are much deeper than those from when my dad was out of the house.

 

[kellyg403]

OP many hugs to you. I am no stranger to your situation and have to agree with others. Divorce will change your children, but change is not always a bad thing. Right now they are changed because of things already.

If the parents are willing to forget the 'divorce' part and be parents when they are with their children, I think children can move forward and be just as happy, if not more than they would have been in a 'broken' home with everyone living in it.

Turning divorce into a life lesson is healthy..things dont always turn out like we plan them, sometimes we have to learn to pick ourselves up and dust off and start over, sometimes it is hard too. The most important part is no matter what, the children are not being divorced, they must feel at home at either parents house, have the ability to feel secure at either house and the parents, even though they don't live together still have to show a united in front in raising the kids. One thing I can say about my ex is if I call him with a problem with one of the children he always says to them we may be divorced but we are your parents and your mom knows best on this one.

Good Luck..it is very difficult but so well worth it in the end to concentrate on the kids. You will find yourself many times taking the high road and adjusting your life...but someday you will know it was the best you could do for them.

Kelly

 

[a paper star]

Divorce is hard on both the children and the parents. I do agree though never stay together for the children things could only get worse. My parents divorced when I was 5. It was and is still hard. I have very hard feelings about my father and the divorce. I'm not saying every child will turn out like this, this was just my situation. I wish you and your family well and hope that everything turns out okay.

 

[clh2]

My parents separated when I was 10, got back together, and then finally divorced when I was 22. It would have been much better on all of us had they stayed seperated and divorced back in 1988. Divorce may not be easy but living in a home that is unhappy is worse in my opinion.

If you are just staying together for the kids do your children a favor and divorce. If you can genuinely work it out for yourselves then give it a go. I assure you, kids are wise enough to pick up on it and it is not a good situation. The emotional scars from their time together are much deeper than those from when my dad was out of the house.

I totally agree with this...my Dsis and DBIL probably should have gotten divorced 10 years or so ago. The split up for 9 months or so 5 years ago, and have been together---very unhappily----ever since.

 

[MrsPete]

If you love each other, work it out.

Children do bounce back from a divorce, but they aren't fully the same. Life takes different turns for them, they may end up w/ step parents, or step siblings---it gets complicated. Yes, it can be worked through, and many kids lead normal lives, but---ultimately---I'd work it out IF you can have a happy marriage and remain in love and trust each other.

Yep, the question isn't whether kids are hurt in a divorce . . . the question is how much are they hurt. Parents can do things to minimize the damage, but it'll be there in some form.

If you have any chance of pulling your marriage together, take it. Don't just walk away from it.

 

[bumbershoot]

If you have any chance of pulling your marriage together, take it. Don't just walk away from it.

Agreed.

If you are just staying together for the kids do your children a favor and divorce. If you can genuinely work it out for yourselves then give it a go. I assure you, kids are wise enough to pick up on it and it is not a good situation. The emotional scars from their time together are much deeper than those from when my dad was out of the house.

Good way to put it. I agree.



I was a sad sap as a kid, and it took me until I was about 15 to finally realize that my mom and dad could never been a happy family, and to stop fantasizing that the stepparents (whom I liked and even loved) would disappear so I could have my family "back". Then I realized I never had one...my dad wasn't even living with us when my brother was conceived; their relationship had become abusive before I was conceived. It was for the best.

And in many ways, I'm much less messed up than my husband, who had a mom who REFUSED to leave the dad, and a dad who held his wife's ability to stay in the country without him over her head, to keep her there with the kids. Actually told her flat out to come say goodbye to her children (with the kids right there) b/c it was the last time they'd see each other, if she tried to leave...hubby still remembers that....yucko.


So if things truly cannot be salvaged, then that's it. I think kids are a good reason to work towards reconciliation, but don't torture them by letting the marriage limp along if it's just not possible to fix it.