Disney with split family?

[Allison]

What about your boyfriend's other daughter?

I don't even know what to say about this post except it sounds like a disaster.

 

[Skywalker]

Well, now we are trying to remind the ex that this is OUR family vacation and she is just invited to spend the time with us while her daughter is vacationing with her dad. The child will be in our room as we made the reservations for her and are paying for her tickets. She will be flying down with us and spending 90% of the time with us. We told her we have no problem with her (the ex) being with us as much as she wants to be, but this trip was made by us FOR the child; she will be with us on the vacation. We are sitting down soon to go over details of the trip (ex and her family have never gone to disney while my family has gone over 8 times over the years). For example, ex doesn't want to buy park hoppers, but my family uses them religiously (I'm going to try to explain to her the pros to it, like if she doesn't get them, and we want to hop parks, she's stuck while we take the kid somewhere else without her. Her choice, but not my fault for not explaining it to her.). Does anyone have any suggestions of things we should discuss to make sure everyone is on the same page here? We are obviously willing to work with her some (we already have a character meal planned for the kid with just mommy and her hubby and daddy and me), but for the most part, this trip is being run by us and we want to make sure all ground is covered now so things don't get messy later.

Woah! (especially to the bolded). Who are you again? Dad's new girlfriend? And you think you are running the show with regard to this lady and her child?

I think you'd better step back a bit because you have no say in anything she does or how much time she spends with her child. Wow.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Since the deed is done, I would tell you to just "go with the flow".

You have been to WDW many times and this will be their first time. Try to relax and just enjoy yourself.

You know there is just no way to really explain the ins and outs of WDW to a newb.

You are very generous to be doing this for them. Consider it an act of valor.

And yes, you really need to put yourself "in check" as other posters are pointing out. The way you are thinking is very negative and not helpful to the situation.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

Sorry but are you always this controlling in things that do not concern you? This is not your child, you are not related to her...you are not even related to her father other than him being your boyfriend. You have no say in how this mother wants HER CHILD to vacation. That is between her and the father. You say this is YOUR family vacation but the child is not your family! It seems to me that this little girl has a very loving mother who takes her vacations every year even though her father never has.

Step back, you are too involved in someone else's child and family. FWIW, I think it is wrong for the father to bring his child to vacation with your family and to be in the same room with you. That would never be happening with my 5 year old daughter! It is a disaster waiting to happen and do you really want this little girls' memories of Disney to be of her mom and dad fighting with you in the middle? I hope the mom has better sense and does not allow the trip!

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

Woah! (especially to the bolded). Who are you again? Dad's new girlfriend? And you think you are running the show with regard to this lady and her child?

I think you'd better step back a bit because you have no say in anything she does or how much time she spends with her child. Wow.

A hundred times WOW!

 

[usnuzuloose]

OP, please reread your own post and think about this. Divorce is devastating, this child is in the middle. But think about if some other woman were doing this to you. I am not trying to be mean or judging you. But this is between the father and the mother.

 

[luvsJack]

If you are truly about making this trip about THE CHILD, then do so. And that means including her mom in those plans.

You may have invited her along, but remember she was also planning a trip. She can just continue on with planning her own trip. She doesn't owe you anything and she certainly does not have to bow down to your plans.

She may be his ex, but she is this child's mother forever and always. You need to remember that. And she will always be an important part of her life. And that includes Disney trips if you decide to invite her along.

I would suggest starting the trip with both parents with the girl. Then maybe splitting some time so that each parent has her alone some. Let mom make an ADR for just her and her child and then have the day together. Same with dad.

If you are planning a long term relationship with this man, you have to learn to work WITH the child's mom. This vacation might give you some insight as to what that means.

 

[aaarcher86]

This sounds like a terrible idea.

Most custody agreements have specific things... Who gets precedent each year, etc. I'd be banking on this not working out and possibly not taking your boyfriends daughter. There is no way in hell this is going to work, and frankly, the mother sounds like kind of a saint if you actually act this way about something that has nothing to do with you in your real world life.

Is he taking his younger child as well? Who I assume is with another woman since you only talked to the mother about 1 child...

 

[brockash]

This is kind of a weird situation, so bare with me.

My boyfriend is in the beginning stages of a custody battle with his ex over their 5 year old daughter. I am planning my boyfriend and his daughter's very first trip to Disney for November 2014. We have already made the reservations and began paying for the trip. When my boyfriend told his ex which days he would need their daughter for the trip, she said "no we're planning on going down the week before that so you can't have her, you and your gf are just trying to ruin my plans." He made it very clear to her that we already made our reservations, we had no idea she was "planning" to take a trip, and my mother made the plans because there are 14 people in my family going; it was in no way an attempt to "ruin her plans." He pointed out that we had made reservations already (she knew we were planning a trip just didn't know for sure when) and that he has never gotten to take their daughter on a family vacation before because he could never afford it and she has taken the child on vacations every single year since she was born. To try to make things easier and please everyone, my mother suggested we invite the ex and her family to come down the same time as we are so both parents can enjoy the child's first time at Disney.

Well, now we are trying to remind the ex that this is OUR family vacation and she is just invited to spend the time with us while her daughter is vacationing with her dad. The child will be in our room as we made the reservations for her and are paying for her tickets. She will be flying down with us and spending 90% of the time with us. We told her we have no problem with her (the ex) being with us as much as she wants to be, but this trip was made by us FOR the child; she will be with us on the vacation. We are sitting down soon to go over details of the trip (ex and her family have never gone to disney while my family has gone over 8 times over the years). For example, ex doesn't want to buy park hoppers, but my family uses them religiously (I'm going to try to explain to her the pros to it, like if she doesn't get them, and we want to hop parks, she's stuck while we take the kid somewhere else without her. Her choice, but not my fault for not explaining it to her.). Does anyone have any suggestions of things we should discuss to make sure everyone is on the same page here? We are obviously willing to work with her some (we already have a character meal planned for the kid with just mommy and her hubby and daddy and me), but for the most part, this trip is being run by us and we want to make sure all ground is covered now so things don't get messy later.

I think this "plan" is completely insane. Really if I were ur boyfriend I'd tell him to wait to do this vacation with his dd until the custody stuff is done with a court order...then plan the vacation around when he'll 100% have dd and then it won't matter what ex says although I'd certainly still inform her etc. I just don't see this working at all...how do you guys even know if his dd will want to stay in your room as opposed to her moms or what if the dd wants to hang out with mom instead of you guys? This whole thing just seems unrealistic and if it's your family vacation that's fine, but then you guys shouldn't have just assumed that the dd could go with you and booked it before you spoke to the other parent who it sounds like has the dd more time (therefore being the primary caregivers) than your boyfriend. Good luck

 

[redrosesix]

Sorry but are you always this controlling in things that do not concern you? This is not your child, you are not related to her...you are not even related to her father other than him being your boyfriend. You have no say in how this mother wants HER CHILD to vacation. That is between her and the father. You say this is YOUR family vacation but the child is not your family! It seems to me that this little girl has a very loving mother who takes her vacations every year even though her father never has.

Step back, you are too involved in someone else's child and family. FWIW, I think it is wrong for the father to bring his child to vacation with your family and to be in the same room with you. That would never be happening with my 5 year old daughter! It is a disaster waiting to happen and do you really want this little girls' memories of Disney to be of her mom and dad fighting with you in the middle? I hope the mom has better sense and does not allow the trip!

haha I didn't go this far but this is what I was thinking

Just re-read the OP and the trip isn't until Nov 2014 -- they've only started making payments on it, and they're well outside the 45 day window.

To the OP, this was just a taste of what you'll get from her mom, because I'm betting that most of the people who responded are moms. Chalk it up to "you'll understand this when you're a mother yourself". If you continue on this path, I'd be surprised if that kid still likes you by the time the trip starts because she's going to hear all about the chaos in the planning stages. You're not going to let her have a trip with her mother? You're going to park hop and take the kid with you and take her away from her mother in DisneyWorld? Be forewarned -- unless a mom seriously abuses a child (and sometimes even then), the child will always love her mother. You're not going to be her fairy godmother because of this trip -- You're going to become the wicked stepmother

FWIW, many parents find that park hopping with young kids isn't worth it -- many parents don't get park hoppers and it works better for them. Maybe mom knows the child better from traveling "every year with her since she was born."

 

[joviroxx]

Um...run while you still can. Seriously.

Uh, yeah!! This has disaster written all over it.

And really, as the girlfriend, I suggest you back off. I can't picture any mother wanting to be dictated to by the GIRLFRIEND and her family.....

 

[Disney Doll]

If I were the ex, and my ex's new squeeze started to dictate to me where I'd be going, what I'd be doing and how much time I'd be spending with MY child, we'd all be having a "Come Back to Jesus" talk and it wouldn't be pretty.

My guess is that it would wind up with me saying "I'll be taking MY daughter to Disney when I want to, thank you very much".

 

[Janepod]

Not your kid = not your business. Stay out of it. And if a "custody battle" is brewing, how on earth do you think people can vacation together?

 

[Luv Bunnies]

Not your kid = not your business. Stay out of it. And if a "custody battle" is brewing, how on earth do you think people can vacation together?

Agreed. You have no idea how the "custody battle" will be resolved. You have no idea how all of parties will feel about each other a year from now, and what other issues may arise between now and then. You don't even know if you and your BF will be together by then.

Before even considering a vacation that includes the child, wait for the custody agreement to be resolved. Then your BF will know exactly when the child will be with him and he can plan when to take her on vacation.

Why even consider planning a vacation that includes a woman your BF is currently "battling?"

 

[Lynne M]

OP, just some words of advice from someone who's dated a guy with an ex-wife and kids.

You're not going to 'win' here by treating his ex-wife like the enemy. There's just no advantage for you that way. I don't care what she does, I don't care how angry your boyfriend is with her right now.

Because now matter how she's behaving now, no matter how bitter the custody battle is, she's still the mother of that little girl, and the little girl loves her. You treat the mother the way you're planning on treating her, you're hurting your boyfriend's daughter. She'll see it, and it will cause her pain. I don't think you've thought this through. What if the little one wants her mommy there with her while you're all touring together. What are you going to do, rip her out of her mother's arms and force the mother to leave? How will that work, exactly? What if she refuses to go? How is the trip 'for the child', as you insist, when you seem focused on punishing her mother for being there in every possible way?

You know how the little girl is going to think of you after this trip? As 'that mean lady who was so horrible to mommy'. For her, right now, there's mommy and there's daddy, and you're just some lady who stays with daddy. I don't have to tell you which two people are the most important ones to her.

If you honestly don't think you can be, not just civil, but polite and pleasant to the mother, then you don't take this trip together, because the inevitable result is the little girl having horrible memories of Disney, and not so nice memories of you. If your boyfriend is going to be fighting with the ex throughout the vacation, you don't take this trip together. Because that's going to be painful for the little girl, too, seeing them be so angry with each other. Not if it's really about the child, and not about the two of you competing to out-do the ex-wife.

I think you should do separate trips. Hey, that's the best thing for the kid, right? Happy times with mommy, happy times with daddy, and two trips to Disney World. Save the group trip for sometime in the future, maybe, when the outright hostility is over with.

You can't compete with her. You can't exclude her. Hating her is pointless. Your only option is to coexist with her, as peacefully as possible, because she's the mother of his child, and she is going to be a big part of your boyfriend's life for the rest of his days. Even if you and he marry and spend the rest of your lives together, she will always be there. Learn to deal with it now. It will make everything else much easier.

 

[lizabu]

I agree with everyone else here. This has to be the worst idea ever. You should either let her keep her plans and the little girl goes to Disney twice or if there is absolutely no other way around it and you must all go at the same time divvy up your days. Mom gets a day, dad gets the next day, mom gets a day, dad gets the next day. What you are suggesting in your OP is a train wreck in the making.

 

[aaarcher86]

I have a feeling mom will hear all the details and stipulations and end up telling The GF to shove off.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I have a feeling mom will hear all the details and stipulations and end up telling The GF to shove off.

I am sure we will never know how it turns out. But I do know we know how it will be. This is so sad.

 

[Ruthiesmama]

When your Mom made the suggestion of bringing the child's mom and family along, is this plan you have outlined really what she envisioned?

I think this could work in theory, if you have adults who are mature and put the child first. What you have described is neither.

You're putting too much weight into y'all paying and that making the child your property for the trip. Honestly why would the mom even be interested in going hearing that basically you want to play mommy for the trip and allow her access to the child when you feel like it? And how do you think the child will feel about you after that? From what it sounds like Mom is primary caretaker or has primary custody. Which means if anyone should be controlling how the child spends her time this trip- it's the mom.

From the implied tone of your post though, I feel like anything anyone has said to you really won't be taken into consideration, and that makes me sad for the little one. Her first Disney trip should be magical and nothing about what you've described is magical

 

[Miskey]

For example, ex doesn't want to buy park hoppers, but my family uses them religiously (I'm going to try to explain to her the pros to it, like if she doesn't get them, and we want to hop parks, she's stuck while we take the kid somewhere else without her. We are obviously willing to work with her some (we already have a character meal planned for the kid with just mommy and her hubby and daddy and me), but for the most part, this trip is being run by us and we want to make sure all ground is covered now so things don't get messy later.

The love you are displaying towards this 5 year old child is just overwhelming I think your questions and concerns are moot because by the time your wonderful trip rolls around, the custody battle will be resolved mom will be "running things"